Lauren's thought diary

Basically this is just a place where I can put all of my thoughts together in one place. Think of it as a sort of public diary, where you'll learn about everything about me. Not a sub-blog, I was too late to think of that. I'll probably not follow you back, but instead I'll follow you on my main if our interests are similar. Feel free to ask questions, however hate will be deleted immediately. I do not own the gifs, icon or sidebar. The thoughts are mine though. --fireoftherebellion

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Okay since I'm ready to snap I really need to put this here. Lately I've just been so stressed that I can't even think, and it's driving me insane. To some people they might understand me, others might think I already am insane. Rachel just said if I were a sim I would have the stress moodlet, which I'm pretty sure I would too. Work has been constant these past few days, I've been going to school and afterwards having to do homework straight away, and the homework lasts until late at night. I also have to RP because it just feels like a chore yet at a same time good for me in a way. My dad is telling me I have to clean my room by saturday. Things have just been deadlines deadlines deadlines and I'm not used to it. I've got so much homework to do such as essays and biology and maths and history and theory pe and latin, which is basically over half of the subjects I'm doing. I need to revise because another set of prelims are coming up, and I've even already done some of them. This is the part where even the teachers are stressing, and I've been working to my maximum each day. I need a break, but I don't even know when or if I can get one. I just want to breathe, but each time I try to go for a walk it's too dark or too early. 

My dad is driving me insane and I hate him showing up all the time, teachers are bugging me about prelims and homework which can't be done on the deadline because I've been busy doing other homework, my sleeping pattern is so messed up. When will the problems end? I'll be so glad for 5th year because we can get rid of some of the subjects I'm not that interested in and it also means less to stress about, plus it'll be an entirely new year. 

It's weird, but I actually want to snap. I've been keeping this bottled up for so long and it's driving me insane. I want to let everybody know that this is too much for me to handle, even if they all say I'm smart. I know they want us to pass, but how can I pass when I've got 50 things on my mind at once because of them? I don't know how much more I can take, but I keep smiling like it's okay when it's not and maybe if I finally snap they'll realise that I can't do this all at once.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Even though I was feeling pretty bad earlier on, I'm feeling pretty awesome now. I've figured out something that I can do for my solo talk, and it's going to be just as awesome as how I feel right now. And I'm going to manage to get all four essays done by monday, plus buy some makeup so I can start wearing it. I dunno, it's been one of my fears to wear makeup, and if I get rid of fears one by one I feel more awesome. And I'm going to ace my exams too. It's maybe too late to go for a shower like I want to, but I'll wake up at least before 11 to set out to buy some makeup, then return and get started on essays. I'll even ask my mum if she can take me to the same place as the place where I got my eyebrows waxed and get them done again...plus get this annoying mustache that isn't supposed to be there waxed too. I'll also be more active, meaning that I'll be able to lose weight quicker. I just...I want to make a change, hence why I made this diary and rebooted my tumblr in the first place. It kinda backfired, but I got the motivation back and I'm ready to change things!

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The more I go on, the more I just want to give up. Lately I keep getting pressured to do this and do that and study for exams and go out with my friends and eat healthier and do more exercise and fix the fact that I can't do a forward roll on a box purely because I can't stand up after one and I'm just constantly exhausted because of it. Today I've probably walked around my entire town three times already, and I just want to sleep forever. But then I'm reminded of essays and studying and other things and it is actually making me more tired. I'm sick of doing the same things over and over, I just want to be in 5th year already so I can do drama and feel like what I'm doing is actually getting somewhere.

And I've got a solo talk to do next tuesday on either room 101 or an argumentative solo talk, but I have no idea what to talk about for either or them.

I just...I want to feel like what I'm doing is going to benefit me, but when you're told you're failing the majority of your subjects, it's kind of hard to see the silver lining.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Tomorrow (tuesday because it's already monday, 2 am) is going to be a long day. I need to be up and ready by 8 in the morning and get to the bus station by half past 8. That's when I meet Rachel and we have to mess around for about an hour ish until the bus comes at 9:45. We then waste more time while on the bus until half past 10. Then we get food and stuff for the cinema and buy tickets and stuff, which hopefully will last long enough until noon when we go see wreck it ralph. Then we watch that and once we get out maybe buy more food because we need to wait until 3:45 pm to watch warm bodies. Once we're out of that we waste more time by going to mcdonalds and just...somewhere until we need to get to the bus stop by 6 pm. Then idk if Rachel's staying at mine but if she is then we'll be heading to my house and idk maybe bake a cake or something. We'll probably pass out soon, but we're definitely shoving a third film in and that is Hunger Games on my TV in my room on DVD. Lots of food will be digested that day for energy, and maybe the things we do will also maybe level out the food since we'll be doing a lot of walking. But yeah....going to be a long day.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Monday is when I might be watching Wreck it Ralph and Warm Bodies in cinema with my friend! I don’t know why we watch two movies in one day but I guess it’s like killing two birds with one stone. It’s really exhausting though, and I think she might be staying at mine afterwards. We’re either going to blog about it afterwards or probably pass out from the exhaustion. We only know about this because we’ve did it before when we watched the latest Ice Age movie and The Amazing Spider Man in one day. And it included lots of walking around and eating food and I mean it when I said it was exhausting. Because we had to walk to the bus station, then get on the bus and sit around until we get to the nearest place with a vue cinema, then we needed to get off the bus and walk to the actual cinema, then we had to buy tickets (standing in a line) and derp about for a while getting food for the cinema in Asda (because no way were we paying for the rip off food from there, although we did buy some food from there), then we actually watched the first film, then we had to derp about for a while (meaning walking around) until the second film started, then we went back to the cinema to watch the second film then we went to mcdonalds because no cinema trip is complete without mcdonalds. And last time we were lucky for my friend’s mother to pick us up while at mcdonalds, but this time we’ll need to muck about for a while after mcdonalds until just before six then we head to the bus station and wait for the bus then get on the bus and go home then we need to walk back to my house.

So in summary what we need to do on monday is meet up at bus station, get on the bus to bus station in destination, go from bus station in destination to cinema, buy tickets and food, go see first movie (wreck it ralph), quickly buy more supplies because we’ve got like 5 minutes to haul our asses out of the cinema and buy more food for the second film in those five minutes, go watch warm bodies after five minutes are up, get mcdonalds, derp about until just before 6, go to bus station in destination, bus takes us to bus station at my town (because my friend lives in another town but goes to the same school), we go to my house and probably blog for the rest of the night, maybe I’ll spam her with watching Hunger Games or something idk she won’t mind.

EVEN THE ENTIRE DAY IN BRIEF SUMMARY IS A BIG ASS PARAGRAPH

I like to plan things okay? It helps me feel like I can do something right, even if things normally don't go to plan basically almost always.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

So I just watched the fourth episode of The Carrie Diaries tonight, and this one was probably my favourite, purely because she used metaphors of islands and continents. She spoke about how she was a part of the continent, and that she helped her friends out all the time, and because that's who she was she was happy. But Larissa (who is an island) explained that being an island means that you're all on your own, with nobody to help you, and you're able to look at the other islands but that makes you think you're not up to date with these other islands, making you constantly miserable.

I'm not exactly sure what I am yet, but I do help my friends and they help me, so I think I might be a part of the continent, but I could also be an island purely because I distance myself and try to keep up to date with things. So I'm not quite sure about what I am at the moment.

But there's another part that really speaks to me, and it's at the end where she talks about how halloween helps you be a different version of yourself, or what you've really wanted to be. Like Carrie was a princess because she takes on a lot of responsibilities and Larissa dressed up as a bird because she wanted to be free from the city life. Because I've never went out for halloween, I don't really know anything about it, but now I think maybe this halloween I'll really think about going out since my friends seem to always go out.

I guess I've still not figured out who I am yet, but I'm getting there. I've realised a few things like that I can be determined when I want to be and that I don't really care about what others think of my weight. I like feeling glamorous, but I also don't like wearing makeup because I feel like it's pushing me to be like others and that it hides my true identity. Then I also know that right now I'm hiding my true identity, so I keep thinking that if I put it on then maybe the true me will come out.

Truly, the only real time I show the real me is on here, when I'm spilling out everything about me and all my thoughts. This is probably the only way I'l achieve my want to be me.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

I think my excitement for acting is returning. It's not like it left, but it's been calm for a while. I just really really really want to start drama soon and do it long enough to be able to get an agent then go to auditions and then actually get my first proper movie or whatever and it'll just be so amazing. I've never actually been this excited about anything ever, and I'm just so happy. I'm definitely taking Higher Drama, which means it'll be the hardest I'll be able to do so far, but it also means I'll get something challenging that I really like and it'll get me farther in a quicker time. And I think I know where I want to go after 5th year (maybe sixth year, it depends) but I'm slightly confused about it. I'll figure it out sooner or later. BUT YES I'M SO HYPER AND EXCITED ABOUT GETTING THE CHANCE TO BECOME AN ACTRESS

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

I think I've managed to get the flu...or something like that. My body temperature is way higher than what it's supposed to be, my throat feels like I swallowed hell, and my body just aches all over. I keep coughing and doing the movement when you're about to vomit, but it's like the vomit just gets stuck before it can get anywhere near my throat. I'm just really ill at the moment, and I had to go home from school because of the vomiting thing.

I feel terrible.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

I am just so hungry right now, purely because I haven't had dinner. But I wasn't hungry then so I can't have a late dinner at like half past eight because my dad will kill me for lying about not having dinner. I've been having biscuits to just give me a little bit of food, but it's not much.

On another note my hair is still really really soft. I think I might go for another shower though. So I'll leave and probably not return, but I've decided that I'm staying up all night because I need to do a little bit more night dancing. Basically that is just moving my arms around while I sit up in bed.

And I'm pretty sure I've got crumbs on my bed, so it'll be an uncomfortable night. I need to write up more script for Runaway anyway, and by that I mean just practice it in my head because no way am I putting on my laptop in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I'm off for a shower!

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

I think I might have gotten a bug or something, because my throat really hurts. I don't even know what's wrong with it, but I do know it started last night. I just want to get rid of this, because things like this happen all the time to me, and it just gets to the point where it is annoying.

And I've been gritting my teeth too, and they feel like they're going to fall out at any moment. I don't like this, I just want to feel better already.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Pretty sure I just gained a bit of confidence about the way I look. I've just realised that I'm not as fat as I look. And I'm actually really pretty when I look at myself this way! Sure, there's some imperfections like I've got annoying unwanted facial hair (a stupid mustache) and kinda chubby legs, but that's about it. I've always thought my arms are too fat, but then I'm reminded of others and they have just about the same arms as I do. And my stomach isn't as bad as I think. All I need to really sort out is the mustache and my legs and I'm pretty sure then I'm average. I'm pretty sure I'm average right now, just my legs are holding just a tiny bit too much fat for my liking (because I'm short so the fat goes to there). Then after that I'm sure I'll be just how I like myself. And my hair is really pretty too, but I've always loved that.

This is definitely something to smile about!

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Okay I'm just going to go ahead and say that today wasn't as amazing as I thought it would be. But I know I'm definitely taking Higher Drama and I now know that I'm going to need to work on my talking skills and memory, even if I've actually already been working on that. I'm good at memorizing scripts, but I can be an absolute idiot and not see things that are right in front of me. That's the only time when my memory is bad. And my people skills are good too, it's only I don't show them much. Purely because I don't like my voice, but I'm sure in Drama we can train our voices to use different accents.

Also, yesterday Rachel (the anon spamming me) and I have started up a thing that we're going to turn into an actual sort of half-assed movie I guess. Right now we're working on the script of Runaway, and I'm going to be Erin and we'll be casting others since we can't exactly get Jennifer Lawrence, Annasophia Robb, Alexander Ludwig and Josh Hutcherson to come to our school to make a film. So we'll improvise. 

I'm the one who's created the movie in my mind, so scenes are there which haven't been written on paper (or typed up) yet. But we'll work with the ones that are written so far and then we'll get some scenes written which haven't actually been written yet. Currently right now there's a scene in my mind playing at the part where Chris has separated Cristina and Oliver so they can't see each other, but this scene is cute because they walk on separate sides of the road and smile at each other and it's just so adorable!

But yes, we are doing this, and right now we only have the basics. And by basics I mean very basics. We have character's names (which have already been made previously), the plot (that's also been made previously), the three main settings (which are very vague: house; school; and the streets) and that's about it. With the plot I wrote down the very basics of what I picture is going to happen, but we just wanted the very basics since we only had about 15 minutes to write everything down. 

Hopefully tomorrow Rachel will be able to stay at my house and we'll get more things done. Considering that I work fast when it comes to things like this, we'll get much more work done in an entire day than work where we have to be in school to do so. There might be a gap since she has a date at some point but at least we'll get quite a few things done.

So far what we have isn't much, but I'm going to write a little more on the entire thing as a whole, as in add on from the scenes that I already have. One day of the book is nowhere near finished yet because it's the morning of day one in the book that I'm writing, so I'm pretty sure I can write much more. Plus it's a weekend so I'll even be able to work on it Sunday, plus Rachel will be around for a little while on Sunday too.

And that's me just realized that I've wrote an essay in this post and I'm not even finished yet. I had my interview today, but that wasn't as exciting as I expected it to be. It was funny, but not amazing. We just picked the subjects and it was quick because I already knew what I wanted to do. All I'm glad is that I'll be doing Higher Drama, possibly Higher English if I work hard and actually hand in my two essays that I haven't redrafted yet. oops.

Anyway, I'll stop now because the size of what I've wrote is the same as an eight mark essay question for History. Also I decided whether I was going for Maths or History, and I've decided with Maths. Int 2 because I suck at it, but I don't really want to do Higher Maths anyway.... 

But yes, I think this should suffice for now.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

If yes to the previous question, is there any specific genre or plot you wish to act out?

Okay again I'm answering to give more information for my followers and we're both collaborating to write a script for Runaway~

I'll make a post soon on today and what happened and stuff it'll come soon I promise and my followers will understand better.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Do you think it would be wise for me to write a script and then you could act it out this improving both of our skills in areas of which we wish to succeed and make a living off of even though my own is based upon more fiction than screen-play?

Well, I answered this to you on facebook last night, but since there's a few followers here I'll explain that yes we are doing this.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

SO I'LL JUST SPAM YOU FOR YOUR RETURN

Even though there's only two more messages in my inbox.

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

The CCSM isn't working this evening. I apologize.

Aaaand that's me only just replying to this. BECAUSE MY PARENTS FORCED ME TO GO TO SLEEP EARLY /SOB

[diaryoftherebellion-blog]

Because you totally don't know who I am

I MEANT ACTUAL QUESTIONS NOT THIS SDFGHUJGFDSGHD