Beyond Blessed

22 | Filipino | Catholic | Philippians 4:13

[diedchasingherdreams]

All I can do is hope. Hope that things will get better. I need to believe that I am enough and that what I am doing is good enough. 

[diedchasingherdreams]

I pray that one day I won’t believe your words. I pray that one day I’ll learn to forgive myself even though you guys haven’t. I pray that one day I won’t continue to hold these faults against myself. I pray one day I’ll have the strength to overcome all of your harsh words and negative comments. I pray that one day I’ll learn to be happy with myself even though you guys aren’t. I pray that one day I’ll be able to live my life for myself and not for you. I pray that I’ll be able to prove you wrong and be the person I dream to be. I pray that I’ll never be as harsh to my own my children and push them to their edge. I pray that I’ll be ohkay, that everything will be ohkay.

[diedchasingherdreams]

My parents have such a way with words. 

“Useless ...”

“Going no where ... ”

How inspiring, truly. How inspiring it is to hear your parents give up on you, defeat you. I hope I learn one day to stop believing the words you say, to have the strength and the courage to not let your words weigh me down. That one day I will allow myself to be happy and content. I want to choose a happier life. 

[diedchasingherdreams]

Happiness is a choice. Life is a choice. I choose happiness. I choose life.

[diedchasingherdreams]

Pathetically crying. I am a pathetic person. I wish I could be strong enough to not care so much, to not hurt so easily, to not be so hard on myself. I’m sorry that I just don’t have the self-esteem to carrry myself, to be happy, to take criticism easier. I’m not strong enough. I’m just sad. I just want to be able to take a hit and not mope about it later on. I want to be able to have the confidence to move on. I want to be able to not cry about it and dwell on it after the fact. It’s so hard though. I know people question why I’m sad all the time, and I don’t know, this is just the way I am, the way I feel. I’m just really hard on myself. If I can’t get over something, I beat myself up about it. If I didn’t achieve something, I feel defeated. If I disappoint others, I lose hope. The end result is that I just feel so sad. I just want to be a stronger person, and I’m sorry that I’m not there yet.

[diedchasingherdreams]

I wish I could be genuinely happy for people. When I see someone succeed, I become jealous, I compare myself to them, and just end up feeling so awful about myself. I wish I could just be genuinely happy for others and accept that their path isn't meant to be the same as mine. I'm going at my own pace, I am running my own race, and I will get to the finish line in my own time. Just because others are succeeding doesn't make me a failure right? I will make it one day, and I will succeed, too. "It is very hard to understand in the beginning that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. The whole point is to realize that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants to quit."

[diedchasingherdreams]

Must continue to learn to not speak poorly of others. It doesn't help the situation.

[diedchasingherdreams]

Today I was telling a friend how I felt like I didn’t have a right to be so messed up. It’s not like my life is that bad. I live in a house, I am able to eat food and clean water everyday, and I have clothes on my back. I felt like I didn’t have a right to feel depressed. I haven’t gone through any traumatic experience, no one significant in my family had died, and it’s not like I have cancer or anything. So why do I feel like my life is so ... worthless. Everyday .. feeling worthless. I’m so stupid. I feel like being this sad  is a slap in the face to those who are going through more difficult struggles than me. Do I really have the right to be so depressed? I know that everyone goes through life differently, and I know that it’s not fair for me to compare my problems to others. However, in the greater scheme of things, my problems just feel so insignificant. 

I don’t know.

 I just want to challenge myself to stop comparing myself to others, to stop wishing that life could be different, and to stop always wanting to be someone else. The reality of it all is that these are the cards that I was dealt, this is the life I have been given, and this is the person that I am. Comparing myself to others isn’t going to help me feel better about my problems, always wishing for a different life isn’t going to change the one I have now, and always wanting to be someone else is only going to distract me from the conflicts I have to deal with myself now, today, in this moment. I just want to stop running away. I want to stop feeling so depressed. I just want to be content. No life is worth losing. 

Did I forget why I started writing in the first place? There was a girl who lost her life on Mt. Everest during an avalance during the earthquake that happened in Nepal. She was living her life to the fullest and she died chasing her dreams. I hope someone can say that about me one day, “she died chasing her dreams. 

Moping around and wallowing in my sadness is never going to get me to my dreams. I need to grow up, and I need to challenge myself. There is a person I want to be, there is a life I want to live, and it is me, it is mine. 

[diedchasingherdreams]

I wish I could be content. I wish I didn’t want so bad to be another person, I wish I didn’t compare myself so much to other people, I wish I didn’t want other people’s lives, and I wish I didn’t wish things were different. I wish I could just be content with the person I am and understand that there is always room for improvement, and that’s ohkay. No one is perfect, no one has a perfect life, and as much as I may wish to be someone else, who’s to say their life is perfect. I just wish I wasn’t so hard on myself and that I could be happier just the way I am. I’m always comparing myself to others, and I’m always wanting what others have. I wish I could just be happy with what I already have. Things aren’t as bad as they may seem all the time. I wish I could just see the brighter side of things more often. 

[diedchasingherdreams]

I just want to make a promise to myself now. A promise to myself that I will start to grow up. That I will stop seeing people poorly, and start seeing others more positively. That I will stop opening my mouth when it’s unnecessary, and that I will only focus on saying things that are meaningful, worth it, and that refelct me in a positive way. That I will stop putting people down, and that I will only uplift others, and give people the honor and respect they deserve. This is my promise.

[diedchasingherdreams]

You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

Price and Prejudice (2005)

[diedchasingherdreams]

Because no one wants to feel like they have more to lose. No one wants to feel like they have more on the line. No one wants to feel like they are the more vulnerable one. The reality of it all is that I do feel like I have a lot to lose, that there is a lot on the line, and that I am very vulnerable, but what’s wrong with that? There’s nothing wrong with that. At least I can say I’m alive, that I’ve been graced with the opportunity and the chance to even be able to feel this way. To feel such insecurities, to feel such fear, and to feel so much love. To be able to feel so strongly about something, about someone ... that being able to feel this strongly, this passionately, just means that I’m alive. And that at the end of the day, is still worth it to me. That is still worth all the fear, all the insecurities, all the vulnerability, and all the love. 

“I love you. Most ardently.” - Pride and Prejudice (2005)

[diedchasingherdreams]

I don’t know if you’ll ever understand. I don’t expect you guys to understand either, but it would be nice if you did. I understand that you love us, and I understand that you care, but I just don’t think that some of the things you do are right. Yeah, there’s a lot of wrong that we do, and we’re constantly reminded about it everyday, by you guys. However, I don’t know if you guys have realized how much hurts us or how much it affects us. I know you guys think you’re “parenting” that tough love is the way to go, but I don’t think it’s necessarily right or the best thing to do. I know there’s no way of changing you guys, but I wish there was. I wish you could understand how your words cut like knives. How they stay with us forever like tattoos on our skin, there to always remind us when we look in the mirror of all of the mistakes we have made. How your words are attached to our souls. How sometimes I can’t even see myself as a full person anymore because I can’t even tell what’s left of me. How your “reminders” feel more like threats or attacks destroying me from within. I know you want us to be obedient, and I’m sorry if we’re not, I guess we just like the feeling of being free, instead of feeling like we’re in this cage you call a home. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be good enough, I don’t know if I’m ever going to meet your expectations, and there’s a part of me that hopes that I never will. I’ve forgotten all too well what it means to just be good enough for me, for myself alone. To feel like this life I have belongs to me and is dictated by me. I have forgotten that feeling, just as I’ve forgotten a lot of feelings. I know I need to forgive, but you guys make it hard to forgive, because you never forget. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I have no place in this world, that my life is pointless. I know you guys care, and I know you guys love us, but I just wish you showed it in a better way. In a better way that would help us, not harm us, in a way that would fill our souls with love and belonging. In a way that would make us feel accepted. I love you guys with all my heart, but sometimes it’s just difficult to bare.

[diedchasingherdreams]

Today wasn’t that bad of a day. I want to keep this going. Must stay positive. Must set goals. Must look forward to things. The only person who is going to save me is myself.

[diedchasingherdreams]

If I could just have the chance to take it all back, I would. There’s a person I want to be, and the person I am today, is not it. I want to be better than I am today, I want to be strong in body, mind, and soul, I want to be able to see my self worth, and to know that I am worthy. I want more for my life. I would rather fail than knowing that I didn’t even try. I can do this.  #diedchasingherdreams

[diedchasingherdreams]

“died chasing her dreams.”

I hope one day someone can say this about me.

Here’s to the girl that inspired it all, may you rest in peace.

[diedchasingherdreams]

I'm sad and I can't even tell those closest to me how I really feel. I'm really not looking forward to this week. I feel like I have nothing to celebrate and nothing to be proud of. I feel worthless. There's just no use ..