My Sorrow... My Pain...
It’s been a while since I have posted something on tumblr... and a lot had happened since then...
Hearts were broken... Friends disappear... Betrayal... and among all other events, the loss of my father.
I am writing about my grief, about the lost of the number one man in my life, the man that I love so very much, the one who I can always lean on, the one whose shoulder I cry on when life was too hard.
You see, I lived away from my family since I was 10 years old and I got back living back with them when I was 24, I didn't spend a lot of time with my father but he was always there for me, he would always checked on me everyday without fail. He will call me a few times in a day, text me, update me of anything new or interesting happened to him, although there was ofcourse a few times when I ignored his calls and texts, and I regretted the things I did that had hurt him. I wished I can spend a longer time with him.
I made a lot of mistakes, I hurt my dad a lot, I made his heart broken plenty of times, and yet till the end he forgave me he loved me endlessly. But I, I couldn't forgive myself for doing all those things to him. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and take back the all hurtful things I’ve said and done. I wished I haven’t gone overseas to further my studies so I can be with my dad longer. I wished I've never hurt him.
I knew one day God will take him away, but I wasn’t ready when He did. I thought at least my father could walked me down the aisle one day, but he didn’t make it. Little did I know that my birthday dinner was the last dinner I could have with him.
Today, I have accepted his death but I seems to be afraid of letting go of my grief. He was the only person who can made me truly happy, who made me secure about life, he was the one who gave me advises on life either it’s business or love. I didn’t see it coming that after a few days of his surgeries that he would be gone. I thought I still have a few years down the road with him.
I am so angry at God why do He have to take him away when I need him the most, I tried my best to make him stay healthier. I spent the last year of his life with him, I cooked for 95% of his meals, I stay with him day and night, I fast for his recoveries, but God didn’t make it happened. Was my prayers wasn’t heartfelt enough that God didn’t grant it or did I made too many sins that He wants to give me a lesson?
During these time, I have isolated my life from my friends. I keep avoiding them and declining their invitation to hang out. Most of the time, I just want to be alone with my grief so I can cry as much and as loud as I want. I do however still hang out with my boyfriend, well I don’t know if he still is after the texts I sent last night, we got into a big fit.
I feel I am not being love right now. I didn’t tell my boyfriend that I am still grieving because I am afraid, he will scold me and tell me to move on that my father is up there in heaven happy with no sorrow and pain and that I should not dwell in my grief anymore. I know he had been very patience with me at the very beginning, but he seems to be losing his patience for the last couple of months. Whenever he found out I’m still crying for my dad he would be angry. Now, I have the habit of keeping things to myself to avoid fighting with him. Maybe he love me and he wants me to be happy again that’s why he told me to move on don’t grieve anymore, but I feel those words made me feel unloved and it just pushed me away from him. It’s not that I cry everyday and I didn’t do anything. I still work I get my stuff done but my heart isn’t ready to let go of the grief. I still want to cry once in a while, not everyday, not every week, just once in a while for the loss of a man who loved me till his last breath.
I wish someone out there could understand me.
