Dionysus

I'm Dionysus, I like things that are awesome or tasteless. Oh, also goats are pretty cool and I believe in raptors.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Six Years

Six years to get a diagnosis, and now six weeks longer to try a new medication that could work, and likely six weeks more if that doesn't fit, and so forth.

I've been told so many things but so many people, only to have them turn out not to be the case, and I'm so damn fucking tired of struggling to lose what few things I have left while watching the people I know go on to form lives, families, live life.

Won't stop unless something kills me, but I feel so damn robbed of six years of life's best. All things considered the new doctor means an upward direction. With a breakup and no job and diagnosis hitting in a two week chain combo, it makes sense to be down. Sleep specialist should be changing things though, even if six weeks each time.

I just wish that all the people I've lost touch with or dropped the ball on could understand it's not something I'm just doing, or even have full cognition when awake discussing it. Doesn't change what has happened or resulting consequences, but in the rare look back by the numerous people I was once quite social with, I'd like them to know it wasn't from disinterest or apathy – I'm thankful for everyone I've met, and blessed by whoever I have yet to meet in my future.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Hedgehog's Dilemma

I like myself a bit more every day. It takes effort, but self-esteem and a sense of self worth is just as important as a support network. Friends are fantastic, wonderful, and essential but should not be necessary to make it through most days. That's what separates friendship from co-dependence. Today was one such rough day, the roughest in a while, and seeing and talking to people who care about me made a bitter day palatable. However it is worth noting that at the end of the day, without a sense of value it is easy to let people treat you poorly. No one deserves to be treated poorly, everyone deserves their emotions and feelings to be considered. This got me thinking about the Hedgehog's Dilemma, one of the most tragically beautiful analogies for human intimacy and relationships. From Wikipedia: The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is a metaphor about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to move close to one another to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur, for reasons they cannot avoid. Now my interpretation is a little more positive than what I just posted. My focus is on the need for warmth, and the fact that the hedgehogs still come together for warmth even with the risk of pain. The beauty and joys of the people we meet and let into our lives is worth the risk and near garuntee that we eventually get hurt. Human intimacy at its core is about letting people close to you, and those we let close to us can hurt us more than anyone. We all have regrets, and even with the best intentions we can really hurt those we love. It's painful, an ugly element of life, but the potential beauty resting in each person you meet is worth the occasional pain. I don't want to go to sleep because I know I'm going to wake up to a difficult time, but sometimes you got to do what's best for yourself. I'm sad, a bit guilty and a bit angry, carrying a lot of hurt, and need to sleep - but all that will pass. It sucks feeling like your emotions are secondary considerations for the people you hold dear, but we're all human. A thousand awful conversations or difficult talks are better than feeling like you're not worth giving a response.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

I’m stupid and sentimental, but when knocked down I get up and try again.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

When Carey cries I cry, threw a bottle of wine still filled into a trash bag

[dionysusdoesdallas]

She cries cute but not pretty, Saudi Diplomat is some of the best acting I’ve seen eith Carey all BRUTAL about his daughter

[dionysusdoesdallas]

“Quadrant report.” is the best line and my new band name

[dionysusdoesdallas]

You know she goes manic from the bomb blast but has little ptsd from it referenced in later episodes

It’s this video called YouTube

[dionysusdoesdallas]

This guy is a surprisingly important for a vice president, like he’s definately a take on Dick Cheney.

The Gettysburg scene is so over the top, it’s only saved by being one of the better plot lines that is set up. The end where Brody finished with the lines on doing what it takes for a cause you believe in.

Saul is great how he lies about Carey, at least for now.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

The next scene is so good, with him and his daughter linking back to the Saudi Diplomat who was worries about his kid after being revealed as a terrorist

"You wait, you lie low, then you come to life.:

His exscuse for meeting with the tailor (who comes up often is lame.

The tailor fits him for the suicide vest, is a well fitting one important or making sure it is tight enough to not show the point of that scene? I suppose it not showing is important for filming and the scene to make sense.

I never realized it the first time but Brody wants to die, it makes sense then but I think him wanting to die is a part beyond just believing in the cause. Do you think that he would be fine with Mike going for his wife after?

Does the sister dye her hair between scenes?

That diner scene guy definately voted for Trump.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

When Carey cries I cry, threw a bottle of wine still filled into a trash bag

[dionysusdoesdallas]

She cries cute but not pretty, Saudi Diplomat is some of the best acting I’ve seen eith Carey all BRUTAL about his daughter

[dionysusdoesdallas]

“Quadrant report.” is the best line and my new band name

[dionysusdoesdallas]

You know she goes manic from the bomb blast but has little ptsd from it referenced in later episodes

It’s this video called YouTube

[dionysusdoesdallas]

This guy is a surprisingly important for a vice president, like he's definately a take on Dick Cheney.

The Gettysburg scene is so over the top, it's only saved by being one of the better plot lines that is set up. The end where Brody finished with the lines on doing what it takes for a cause you believe in.

Saul is great how he lies about Carey, at least for now.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

When Carey cries I cry, threw a bottle of wine still filled into a trash bag

[dionysusdoesdallas]

She cries cute but not pretty, Saudi Diplomat is some of the best acting I’ve seen eith Carey all BRUTAL about his daughter

[dionysusdoesdallas]

“Quadrant report.” is the best line and my new band name

[dionysusdoesdallas]

You know she goes manic from the bomb blast but has little ptsd from it referenced in later episodes

It’s this video called YouTube

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Brody is definately a Republican, right? Carey also shows very liberal views, so she may be a liberal warhark

Carey's episode is triggering me, something I never thought I would say

I never want to be without my hits

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

When Carey cries I cry, threw a bottle of wine still filled into a trash bag

[dionysusdoesdallas]

She cries cute but not pretty, Saudi Diplomat is some of the best acting I’ve seen eith Carey all BRUTAL about his daughter

[dionysusdoesdallas]

“Quadrant report.” is the best line and my new band name

[dionysusdoesdallas]

You know she goes manic from the bomb blast but has little ptsd from it referenced in later episodes

It's this video called YouTube

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

When Carey cries I cry, threw a bottle of wine still filled into a trash bag

[dionysusdoesdallas]

She cries cute but not pretty, Saudi Diplomat is some of the best acting I’ve seen eith Carey all BRUTAL about his daughter

[dionysusdoesdallas]

"Quadrant report." is the best line and my new band name

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

When Carey cries I cry, threw a bottle of wine still filled into a trash bag

[dionysusdoesdallas]

She cries cute but not pretty, Saudi Diplomat is some of the best acting I've seen eith Carey all BRUTAL about his daughter

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

When Carey cries I cry, threw a bottle of wine still filled into a trash bag

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television.

It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Oh man Carey just played hard ball with the Iman instead of leaking the FBI admitting to two deaths because they are sloppy.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Homeland, on which the red hijab should be ignored, is still the best portrayal of mental illness and specifically bipolar disorder on television. It just is amazing how it captures the struggle, from the drinking and risk seeking behavior to the message that you should always take your pills.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Traveling and Goodbyes

I've never been good with saying goodbye. Literally I've always found myself struggling to leave a place, and figuratively the idea of never seeing someone again is strange. To never see or hear from them again is bothersome, and I can't really think of a person out there who I wouldn't at least want the occasional Facebook update from once a year. The shock of someone getting married, a long term power couple separated, seeing a once dead end person clean - it's a continuation of their story. Curiosity is what mostly drives this, but at the same time I also think it's important to bare witness to the different lives we all live. Of course the world does not operate like this, and we can choose to cut people out. It's healthy to sever from some people, just like it can be healthy to reach out to an old friend and reconnect. Sad are the 'Seen' messages and attempts to reach back out to no avail, but in the end this is just a reminder to be a person that's worth keeping in touch with. Since letting my life spiral out of control I've had a fascination with traveling - one that has stayed with me even through the reconstruction process. The fantasy of leaving everything behind, moving somewhere new, and having a new start has obvious appeal for someone who messed up the first time. These escapist fantasies have gotten more and more complicated lately, mostly because I now have things worth keeping to keep me around. While this is awesome and scary, having things to care about and actually being a person responsible with those things, I can't help but feel tethered. This is just an adjustment though, as I've learned that actually running away from everything and everyone has disastrous consequences. The support network I've built up indeed tethers me to my area, but it also tethers me to sobriety and stability. The fantasy isn't running away, the real dream is to be capable of running away - to not be bound by the issues I've convinced myself are only a few years old. Hoping to restore things to a golden time that never was can be a nice idea, but in the end it's a distraction from what needs to be done right here and now.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Thoughts on Tinder & Skills

To say I used Tinder a lot is not exactly true. It would be better stated that I fiddled with it through the day as a bored or nervous habit, and have occasionally gone forth on some dates from it.

It was suggested to me by a friend if mine after I experienced a breakup after six years with my first girlfriend. This is important to mention because this breakup set me up to be:

Without a lot of confidence, friends, or much going for me. Scared and lonely, because everyone’s first breakup is like that, but more so due to have alienated or ghosted my friend circle. As much as I love the term friend divorce by the time the relationship was over I had sucked so hard that they were all more her friends than mine - which is totally understandable.  

Without any real dating skills or with a real world concept of how dating is done. I ended up with pretty much the first girl I asked out, which was rad, but obviously that left me without time to practice dating skills. I could not have even begun to name skills associated with dating.

Without a wide understanding of relationships outside of my own, how different people function in different ways. My history was one girlfriend, so outside of the dynamics of that relationship I had little insight into the ways relationships form.

I was kind of fucked, and we installed it in a bar where we took  casual man photos to upload to my profile. Most people don’t realize this, but single men without a shutter bug friend are seldom photographed. I don’t think I had a photograph of myself not taken by family or my ex in years.

I used it a lot, because newly single without any other idea of what to do, and I went on a few dates with a cute girl it did not work out with. That and the first Tinder date is another story, but those stories illustrate being stuck in our ways well.

Partially because of a manic episode brought on by a medication by new psychiatrist was trying, and became a little obsessive eventually - it is safe to say that I have read enough Reddit posts, scientific studies, blog posts, and stomached enough Pick Up Artist bullshit to be an expert in Tinder strategy.

I met a nice girl, we dated, we became a couple for an incredibly brief 20 days before I broke it off - another good story about relationships for another time.

The point of all that is, Tinder is how I first started learning about dating and relationships after my breakup and it was incredibly helpful for my situation - but not for meeting people I wanted to date.

A friend of mine recently installed Tinder because they’re newly single and am looking for a relationship. I instantly found myself shit talking Tinder for a number of reasons, but it dawned on me I was angry at Tinder.

Tinder did not really work. It taught me dating, but my friend wanted the same thing I wanted - a relationship. Tinder never really provided me with that. The next day I went through my chats and was just kind of done with the no response matches, the boring empty bios, the meaningless small talk, uninspired people, or people I asked out and were set to go on a date with but never followed through with (another reason I’ve stopped using it is because that may have led on some women which is a dick move).

I’ve stopped using it for now, but it really made me realize how far I’ve come in my ability to meet people, form new friendships, and attempt to maybe work toward a relationship. Tinder worked great when I was desperate to feel like I wouldn’t die alone, when I had few friends to meet people through, and before I realized I don’t have to settle.

I just simply out grew it, and like many toys we leave behind - all in all it’s pretty poorly designed.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Nothing like realizing the sudden work induced spike of stress is because you now have things, friends, and a decent life to care about and things have mattered again these past three months.

In the early stages of re-learning to be a person again, I made a lot of promises to other people about changing - to no one more than myself. Sacred covenants and social contracts, bold displays of ambition and perfection.

They would be beautiful, attempt to make up for all my wrongs. Unsustainable of course, they would come falling down and ultimately were not what I needed or what people wanted.

“A hero is just someone who shows up. Just be an everyday hero.”

This was the best advice my friend could have given me, and ultimately is a rewarding process. It sucks, you have to over a long time (it’s been a year) just make baby steps and do the best you can until following through is natural.

People don’t trust you at first, some never trust you again, and others never stop making snide comments. It takes time to build back trust with those who give you another chance, but in the end you realize you’re not that sucky individual you used to be.

You’re a person again.

It feels great.

Of course all the contrition, change for the better, and repentance in the world doesn't change what you did. That's something to live with, a kindof silent retribution one has to respect but not relent under.

All and all I'm banking this as a win.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

Okay, lets look at three of the ever so popular twelve steps. I get sentimental around the holidays, and they really bring me back to hard times - and while I’m feeling pretty good (aside from my friend’s death) due to finally having my medication in order, I do still struggle with guilt.

Even once you stop being shitty, the damage done cannot be undone.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Here’s the problem with these things - someone is an asshole to you (they suck), you cut them out of your life (understandable), they go through personal growth (good for them, stay out of my life), and then this asshole shows up or contacts you talking about oh how they’ve changed.

Who cares if they’ve changed, does it really repair the damage done? Sure if you crash someone’s car, you can buy a new one, but you can’t undo things like neglect.

That sucks, not having a solution for the guilt... but it sucked way harder on the people you hurt.

You just have to live with it, and double down on self-improvement and not being stuck on those ways. It’s hard, there are days of progress and (hopefully fewer) days of regression, but the journey goes on.

It’s not about wanting things back the way they used to be, it’s not about looking for forgiveness, for me it’s just the need to tell the truth to people I lied to or acknowledge the damage done and take some damn responsibility.

Life is looking up, but aside from an apology to my dear mother I think I’m holding off on a list for now - reaching out to people so far has probably caused more harm than good.

[dionysusdoesdallas]

That first step is the hardest.