[nightcorp-archive]

[escuerzoresucitado]

[charl0ttan]

today im thinking about my many many desires. no i wont be communicating them you stupud fuckinggggg idiot

[disjournal]

may 29

(copied from a deleted post on my main)

every time one thing gets better (usually through tremendous effort on my end), there's like ten things that get worse. i truly don't know where to take the energy from. my very basic needs aren't being addressed because i'm being denied healthcare or forced to jump through hoops for months or my providers keep forgetting who i even am and i have to start from scratch with them every single time. there's things around the flat that need fixing and the anxiety i have about approaching my landlord mixes with the obsessive terror that not fixing the thing will basically mean literal heat death and also it'll make my cat sick and die (that's how my brain works now i guess) and it paralyzes me. i feel so so fucking abandoned by almost my entire social circle and i feel really betrayed for investing so much in them over such a long time and inviting them to basically be my family, only to experience this rejection. i am filled to the brim with wanting familial closeness, and seeing loved ones and relatives build that for themselves, and not getting to have that with my partner for whatever fucking reason, even though i keep trying, it's like for him just the two of us can't be a family unit, and i just can't get over the thought that it would be different if i could have children, and that's yet another rejection and feeling of perpetual incompleteness. and not like it isn't already incredibly painful for me to watch people close to me have family and children while i don't get to make that choice. like it's all just reminder upon reminder that i am lacking, i am lacking in what i can offer and provide, i lack lovableness and value, i am faulty and wrong and too much work and that's all i'll ever be. all i ever was and all i'll ever be. how incredibly naïve of me to think that i could grow up and this would change. i'm so desperate and needy and prickly and hollow, and i'm just grabbing at people begging them to fill me up, but i don't think they could even if they wanted to. i think i am fundamentally impossible to satisfy. i want too much and too intensely. it turns people off. they're probably right to abandon me, but it still feels like shit. it still feels like i tried to give everything i had, but my fruits were rotten. what do i have to give when i'm barely even a person. when i don't exist

[disjournal]

grieving the child i never had and probably never will. grieving not being able to make that choice. grieving how easy and natural it is for others, and how heavy it makes me feel. grieving the bodymind that could support parenthood that i never got the chance to have. grieving all the love i have with nowhere to put it.

[circusheart]

AHHHHHH OH MY GOD JESUS CHRIST OAHH HHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK ok nevermind. i got over it

[disjournal]

is it too much to ask to be taken care of by someone you love?

[lostfunzones]

David Lynch // My Head is Disconnected, 1994.

[cutthroatkawaii]

[heavensghost]

words from we hug now by sydney rose

[seaprincess-selkie]

Finally found this gem on LM a few months ago. I’m a huge fan of Beatrix Potter’s art style and books.

[finalset]

bite the hand

[lovestereo]

Visit Original Link

[heateron]

lou reed of the velvet underground, 1974.

[png-heaven]

Ace of Hearts ceramic ashtray 

[zegalba]

Undercover: ‘Anatomicouture’ Ribcage Leather Jacket (2013)

[disjournal]

nsfw post (k!nk & trauma)

ever since testosterone started really giving me a sex drive, i've been fantasizing and masturbating about much more out-there stuff again, and like the problem is this is what used to get me off when i was a lot younger, but it became very evident for me that this was an unhealthy conflation of sex with abuse because i never got the chance to develop a normal sexuality, and those thoughts became very unwelcome and triggering when i stopped wanting sex, and now i don't feel like i can approach my partner about this, not only because i feel ashamed in general, but also because i don't know if this is actually what i want or just an expression of my desire to self-harm and self-annihilate, if it's just a bodily reaction in the same way that my body reacted to assault in the past, and i don't want to associate my partner with any actions that might feel really bad and triggering a few years from now

ok long run-on sentence, bottom line is i need to talk to a therapist about sex like yesterday, but i am also horrifically hormonally horny and unfortunately mostly responding to pain stimuli (as in, normal stuff doesn't really get me there)