I don’t know if I’ll ever get to say this to you so I need to put it somewhere outside of my mind...
So you and I talked for months... we had sex, we had deep conversations, shared moments, shared secrets with each other... I told you things I’ve been scared to tell anyone else. I was completely open with you, I let you in. Into my life and into my heart. I trusted you more than I’ve trusted anyone in so long. We talked every single day, sometimes all day. The thought of you made me happy, seeing your name pop up made me smile. I was falling in love with you. I care so deeply for you. I knew your past and the things you’ve done but I was okay with it all because I knew that you were a different person now.
You were so believable. Everytime you told me you cared for me. Everytime you said you had feelings for me. Everytime you said you’d be there for me. Everytime you promised you wouldn’t hurt me. I believed you every fucking time.
I ignored the red flags I saw and made excuses for you because I didn’t understand how you could lie to me and play me when all I did was show you love and be there for you. I showed how much I cared about you, I made it clear that all I wanted was the best for you and nothing but success and happiness. I told you multiple times that if it wasn’t with me it was okay, I just wanted to know so I could save myself the hurt. I gave you so many chances to end it but you talked your way around it. You reassured me time and time again that I was who you wanted. Only me.
And I believed you. And that was my biggest mistake... you promised you wouldn’t hurt me. After everything I had just went through and everything I’ve been through in the past. You lied to me. You used me. And for what? What did you gain? What did you get out of using and breaking a girl who only wanted to give you the best she could. I would’ve given you my all. Fuck sometimes I think I still would...
But you disappeared for a month.. and I let my mind wander and tried to distract myself thinking you were gone from my life simply with no explanation. I cried over you. I was hurt over you. I worried about you. I thought about you every fucking day. Did you think of me? Did you worry about how I was feeling? Because I wasn’t okay, I was in a very dark place and I had no one. And all I could think was after everything I did for you and all the times I was there for you, why wasn’t I good enough for you? Why didn’t you choose me?
Then you reappear now and you act like everything is the same and you didn’t do anything wrong. You apologize and try to explain it away with a bullshit excuse but I know the real reason. You don’t have to lie anymore... Because you reappeared with a new girl in your life. You chose her. You hurt me so badly after everything we’ve been through and you lie to me instead of just telling me that you wanted her. All you had to do was tell me the truth and I wouldn’t be hurt. But you left me hurting for a month thinking I wasn’t enough, not even worth an explanation. So again why wasn’t I good enough? What’s wrong with me? Those two questions that I kept asking myself and could never find the answers to.
But there’s nothing wrong with me and if I’m being honest, I was too fucking good for you. You lead me on for all that time and you promised me things that you knew would never come. You lied and used me but honestly I forgive you. You don’t deserve me. I hope she makes you happy and I want only good things for you. But I know that some day you’ll realize what you missed because no one will care for you the way I care for you. I asked for nothing in return for the love that I gave you. Even after everything you put me through, I’d drop everything to be there for you if you needed someone. Because I still care and I will always care. That’s the kind of person I am and that’s the kind of friend I am. I will always have nothing but love for you.
pixelskylines
romaincrisis
