The Distant Snow and Cold Frost

Song Lan, thrown into the past to fix his wrongs || Mixed canon rp || Human again || Follows back from @roamingjaguar || pfp by coffinseas

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

Song Lan, thrown into the past to fix his wrongs...

Non-selective, mixed canon, human again rp blog.

Follows back from @roamingjaguar

pfp by @coffinseas

(now with tags lol)

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

littleblindmaidenz​:

She’s truly ecstatic to see him; she’s been looking for him and the others for a good time now, so seeing him here—whole, hopefully, and alive—is the best thing in the world, to her. She stops just in front of him, looking up at him with a big smile; while she’d like to hug him, she doesn’t know if he’d allow her to. 

“I am,” she replies, almost breathless from her rushing over. “And it’s good to see you too, Song-Daozhang! I was so worried I was the only one, I didn’t know you’d also—”

She stops herself, suddenly, as she remembers that the two of them are out in public, so she can’t just go talking about how they’d both been brought back to life just yet. She’d like to keep odd looks thrown her way down to none, if she can help it! So, instead, she shakes her head, and continues another way.

“I’ve been looking for you,” she admits, face flushing slightly; she feels a bit shy, saying that, though she’s not even sure why. “But I’m also looking for Daozhang and Xue Yang, too, don’t worry! Is that what you’re doing, too?”

She’s almost sure that it’s likely he won’t be looking for Xue Yang, and she’ll understand why if it’s the case, given everything that happened, but there is a part of her that hopes she may be surprised somehow. He may as well be aware that it’s her goal, though, even if it isn’t shared.

.

Song Lan blinks when he hears that she’s looking for Xue Yang. “I have been looking for Xiao Xingchen,” he replies. “But I am very glad to have found you also. I...” Should he tell her? Maybe she’s looking for her tormentor so she knows where not to go?

“I have already seen Xue Yang,” he decides to admit. “It’s strange. He remembers... What happened.” His grip longs for Fuxue still. It is more difficult than he expected, to speak of Xue Yang. “And seems to feel... Something. He is living... Back where you used to. The whole city is empty, so I don’t think he will be able to do anyone harm,” he tries to reassure her. “I would not have left him there otherwise.”

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

coffinseas​:

Guniang? 

Xue Yang hasn’t been addressed as such in a very long time. The word makes him flinch, and his eye twitches as he scoffs in disbelief, but before he can get too offended over the title, he notices that Song Lan is very much not alright (as if the bush-talking weren’t enough of a giveaway). 

His pupils have grown so much, he has no iris left. He’s shaking slightly and clearly hallucinating. This is no yao, this is a bad trip! But —

Ohhh.

He sees the red-capped mushrooms gathered at the base of a tree and immediately knows what happened. Song Lan left without eating, didn’t he? And that was quite a few days ago now. 

Admittedly, he struggles not to laugh as he approaches. Not because anything Song Lan is experiencing is funny, but more because the scenario itself is so absurd. Still, laughing now won’t help anything, and the little bird on his head is already trying to make a nest out of his hair.

He drops down into a crouch after moving a little closer, and stares at the man’s face. The good thing about this situation is that he doesn’t have to worry about his own feelings, as Song Lan has no idea who he is.

“You need real food and rest. You shouldn’t stay in the woods.”

.

“I- I need to tell him, guniang! I need- But he’s gone, he left, he doesn’t want to see me, not afterwhatIsaidtohimIwassocruelwhydidIsaythat-”

Song Lan can’t seem to keep his thoughts from spilling out. He puts his hands over his mouth, trying to keep the words in, his eyes starting to sting as he hyperventilates. It’s futile of course, even the trees know what he’s thinking by now. They loom shaking their branches in A-Qing’s direction. He turns to her again.

“Guniang, you were with himdoyouknowwherehemighthavegone?”

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

Looking for Hermit Hu- Gao Qi

I pass over water, and pass over water again,

I look at the flowers, and look at the flowers again.

Travelling the river, there's a spring breeze,

Before I am aware, I reach your home.

Source

Transliteration: Cross water again cross water See flower again see flower Spring wind river on go Not aware arrive your home

@littleblindmaidenz​

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

littleblindmaidenz​:

A-Qing hasn’t been in this town long, but she’s been walking around in hopes that she’ll find someone who can tell her anything; in this case, anything means any sort of info on the people from her past. Thankfully, so far, the people of the town seem lively, so she’d been sure that she’d be able to get at least one person to talk to her. The problem she finds she’s running into, however, is that she’s nervous. It’s been far too long since she’s had to go up to people on her own, so now, she feels just like she did when she was a child new to pickpocketing—unsure of herself, unsure she’ll actually come away with anything, and scared she’ll be caught. What she’ll get caught for in this case, she isn’t sure, but the feeling is there anyway.

Still, she knows she has to keep pushing on despite her feelings; the only way she can gain information is if she does, and her want to know if she’s truly alone or just alone for now overrides everything else. It’s enough to make her square her shoulders and walk around the center of town, asking a few vendors any questions she can. She’s gotten nothing so far, but at least she’s being spoken to by multiple people, which is more than she expected! She’d even managed to persuade someone to give her some food earlier (which she’s already eaten by now), so even if nothing comes out of the day information-wise, at least the whole day wouldn’t be a loss!

She bows in thanks to the vendor she’s currently in front of and goes to turn on her heel, once again not gaining much, when she hears a familiar voice call out to her. It’s enough to make whirl around immediately, her eyes wide first in disbelief and then only growing wider in shock when she sees who, exactly, has called her out—of all her luck, it’s one of the very people she’s looking for: A cultivator named Song Lan!

“Song-Daozhang!” She cries, with almost more excitement than she expects—almost quite literally, as well, as she begins to tear up the moment she sees him—as she begins to make her way to him. He’s here, Song-Daozhang is here!

“Song-Daozhang, it’s me, it’s A-Qing, I—I’m so happy to see you!”

A subtle smile graces Song Lan’s face, lighting up his eyes. While she wasn’t the one he was looking for, seeing a familiar face makes his chest feel lighter. He strides forward, meeting her halfway.

“Guniang, it is good to see you,” he says quietly, taking in her appearance. Her living appearance. Though he doesn’t know exactly when he is, the fact she remembers him, yet lives, means she must have been thrown here too.

“Are you well?”

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

coffinseas​:

Xue Yang has tried to put his encounter with Song Lan out of his mind, multiple times. He’s told himself over and over and over again that this is for the best, that nothing good could ever come of the two of them being in the same room, but somehow he always circles back to the hole in his chest, dark and gaping and left behind by the smallest flicker of hope being snuffed out.

No good deed goes unpunished, or whatever, right? This is a fitting punishment; solitude, and the reminder not to mess with things he himself chose to ruin, no matter how long ago and how unstable he may have been.

Truth is, he can’t exactly trust himself not to snap again anyhow, the way things are going. Maybe he shouldn’t isolate so much, get over himself and visit Granny more often. He always feels better when he’s around her, even if it’s only a little bit. If he truly wants to get better, he has to do things to help himself. 

That is why today, he’s going to the market, he’s going to get those damn carrots, he’s going to talk to at least one vendor, and then he’s going to go to Granny’s house. See if that helps clear his mind once and for all. Maybe he can even look for some new, exciting tea blend…

His little bird is keeping him company today, too, and it’s the small animal chirping and flying off that alerts him to the presence of someone else within the forest. The fog doesn’t reach this far out, so he has no trouble following the sparrow through the woods, making out indistinguishable murmurs as he goes, right up until he’s standing a few feet behind —

No. Seriously?

He immediately ducks behind a tree, little sparrow once again on his head, as he clutches his chest and grits his teeth. Why is he here? Why does just seeing him make Xue Yang want to hide away like some sort of coward? And who the fuck is he talking to?

He hears Song Lan say ‘Xingchen’, but can’t make out a response, and it’s this that makes him peek out from behind his hiding spot. If Xiao Xingchen is there, he’ll bolt; they reunited, Song Lan is safe, everyone goes home happy. If he isn’t, though…

And he isn’t. Song Lan, as far as he can tell, is talking to a shrub. Is he bewitched? Is there some kind of creature nearby he can’t make out?

“Song Daozhang?” He calls out tentatively. 

What’s he going to do even if there is something lurking out here? Run to the rescue?

Song Lan falls to his knees in front of Xingchen. He’s late, but not too late, he can still beg forgiveness for his actions. “Xiao Xingchen, I... I’m-”

He’s interrupted by a voice. Daozhang? The last person who called him that... He twists on his knees to find a girl standing behind him, white eyes open but crying blood.

“Guniang...” His own eyes widen, irises hidden by pupils blown wide. “Y-You’re here too?” He looks back at Xingchen to smile at him only-

“Xingchen!” There’s nobody there. He’s gone, again. A bush stands in his place, shaking as if to mock him. “No, no, no, Xingchen, where, why did you go, I still haven’t, I need to...”

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

@chopperpirate liked for a starter!

It's habit to keep to the woods, but Song Lan knows that he's not likely to find Xingchen there. No, if he was alright- even if he wasn't alright- he'd be where people are, trying to help.

He stops at the edge of the treeline and looks out over the lake, filled with lotus. His journey had led him to Yunmeng, in the middle of summer, and he was starting to miss the way corpses didn't sweat.

Still, perhaps he can find a nighthunt in the next town in exchange for a room and a meal. A bath, hopefully. Otherwise, he'd just have to dunk himself in the lake.

He steps out onto the path, towards the nearby town, and catches something out of the corner of his eye. Song Lan turns, slowly. That is... an awfully small yao... He stares, waiting to see if the creature has noticed him, wishing pointlessly for Fuxue.

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

@littleblindmaidenz liked for a starter!

Song Lan stared at the entrance to the small town. Was he ready to be near people? He wasn't going to find Xingchen if he didn't look. It takes him a moment more, but he does walk through the gate of the short wall, following the road into the middle of what seemed to be a small town square. A well stood in the center, and vendors smiled and cried out to him and other people who actually might take a look at their wares. Song Lan gazes around at all of the people, looking for a certain set of beautiful features. He catches a glimpse of something else that seems familiar though, and blinks. He waits for her to turn in his direction to confirm it.

She's alive? And here? He steps towards her.

"Guniang?"

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

Past the fog of Xue Yang’s home, Song Lan finds himself following a road through a forest. His head and heart pound from their confrontation, his mind a mess of spiraling thoughts. Part of him is convinced that he should turn around and demand Xue Yang explain his past actions, but a larger part is focused on ‘what if’s’. What if he really has changed? What if he hasn’t? What if Xiao Xingchen finds his way to Xue Yang? What if Song Lan never finds him? What if he does? What if he remembers what happened? What is Song Lan supposed to say if he doesn’t? What if? What if? What if?

He’s interrupted by his stomach complaining. Ah. He didn’t end up eating the noodles, did he? Song Lan takes a deep breath. Fine. This is fine. He can do this. He can stray off the path a little ways to look for something to forage. He’s always carried his own rations, but it shouldn’t be too hard to find something to quiet his stomach. He searches. And searches. For a forest full of life, not much of it seems edible. The only thing he really finds is a handful of small brown mushrooms.

These are edible, right? They look like the ones Xue Yang picked. Ugh.

Song Lan’s lips thin in distaste. With nothing to cook them with, he’s going to have to eat them raw. He brushes the dirt from them as much as he can, and decides to just eat them all at once and get it over with.

They taste like dirt, despite his attempts at cleaning them. He wishes he had some water to wash the taste away, and sets off parallel to the road to find a stream.

Except the more that he walks, the more difficult it gets. His legs feel rubbery, not moving quite right, and the trees seem to call to him, wanting him to lie down among their roots.

His normally blank face frowns. Was there some kind of array here? Has a yao found him and trapped him in the forest? He turns, and cannot see the road. He turns again and the trees sway towards him. He doesn’t have his sword. He has practically no defenses. How is he going to defeat the yao?

“Zichen.” Song Lan spins. That voice. It couldn’t be. But… “Zichen,” he sees Xiao Xingchen, standing between the trees. His eyes are covered by a white cloth, but he’s smiling. “I was waiting for you.” Song Lan stumbles towards him, eyes wide. He’s here! He’s here in the forest with no eyes, but he’s here! Song Lan found him! His heart races faster than it’s ever done.

“X-Xingchen?” He reaches out, but can’t bring himself to touch. “Is it really you?”

@coffinseas

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

I've got the night shift again tomorrow so like or reblog for a starter! Also feel free to dm me to plot if that's more your jam!

[coffinseas]

distantsnowandcoldfrost​:

A touch of incredulity bubbles up inside Song Lan. Of all Xue Yang’s strange behaviour since they met here, kicking him out instead of trying to kill him was the icing on the cake. Of course, incredulity can’t outweigh the anger. Song Lan follows the slow steps, still managing to resist grabbing the man by clenching his fists. Oh, how he misses Fuxue.

“How can I leave you be when you won’t answer the question?” His voice is tight, like he has to force the words past gritted teeth.

Xue Yang is getting angry, sure, but he’s going to be infinitely angrier if Song Lan manages to push him into lashing out. He doubts he’ll be able to spin things a second time. 

“It wasn’t a question, it was a setup. No matter what I say, you won’t believe me,” he laughs. “Yes, how can you know I won’t just go out and find him before you do? How can you know I won’t somehow coax him into living with me for another two years, while we’re at it? Do you fucking hear yourself?”

He pinches his nose and exhales sharply. 

“You fumbled your way into my territory, where I’ve been living undisturbed, and I took the time to help your sorry ass, and somehow you think you just caught me on the one day I wasn’t out killing people and hunting down Xiao Xingchen.” He barely takes a breath before insisting, “I really want you to leave.” 

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

He's right. Anger condenses into a bitterness that carves into his heart. Nothing he says can make me believe him. Not after everything.

Song Lan shakes his head and steps back, suddenly drained. Even if he could speak now, there's nothing more to say. He takes one last look at his tormentor. There's definitely something different about him, but it doesn't matter now. Slowly, he turns to the door and steps into the street. He picks a direction without thinking, trying to ignore the small part of his mind that cries out for him to stay, to ask Xue Yang why, to find some kind of closure.

There's no point.

Xue Yang admits the things he's done, but heaven forbid he truly face it...

He's not sure why he expected anything else.

[coffinseas]

distantsnowandcoldfrost​:

Song lan resists the urge to grab Xue Yang and shake answers out of him.

“You know he’s out there. Given your past obsession, why should I believe you won’t go after him the second my back is turned?” Song Lan turns as he speaks, stepping up into Xue Yang’s space.

“What, exactly, should I know better, than your delight in turning black into white, white into black,” he asks roughly.

The laugh sounds again in the back of his mind, but with it, a voice screams Xiao Xingchen’s name.

Could he feel remorse? No. Surely the regret is his failure to return Xingchen as a puppet.

If Song Lan had touched Xue Yang in that moment, he would’ve snapped. As it is, he can feel himself hanging on by a thread.

He knew this was a bad idea! He knew his sanity was fragile and debatable at best, and yet he just had to crawl into the belly of the beast and hope to die again. 

“You know, you disappearing in the fog, never to be heard from again, is starting to sound very appealing,” he speaks with a practiced smile, taking slow steps towards the entrance to the home to put distance between himself and Song Lan. “So go ahead and leave.”

He pushes the doors open and steps aside, keeping his hands behind his back. His insides feel thick and murky, like he wants to purge himself and rip out his innards for good measure. 

He doesn’t want to see Xiao Xingchen. Not now, and probably not ever. He’s not going to bother bickering about it, though. He knows when talking is pointless, and besides, after that little display just a moment ago, he’d rather not have another human being in his space. 

They got way too close. 

“Out.”

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

A touch of incredulity bubbles up inside Song Lan. Of all Xue Yang's strange behaviour since they met here, kicking him out instead of trying to kill him was the icing on the cake. Of course, incredulity can't outweigh the anger. Song Lan follows the slow steps, still managing to resist grabbing the man by clenching his fists. Oh, how he misses Fuxue.

"How can I leave you be when you won't answer the question?" His voice is tight, like he has to force the words past gritted teeth.

[coffinseas]

distantsnowandcoldfrost​: 

“No interest…” Song Lan shakes his head, glaring at the table. “I know dying doesn’t change people that much, so what is it? What happened to make you lose interest in killing?”

Would be able to even answer that question? If it was true, there must be something.

And what will he even do if Xue Yang can answer?

“What, do you think killing was just a hobby? Do you think I killed for the sake of it?” Xue Yang winces as he stands back up to place the pieces of bowl on the counter. He doesn’t want to deal with the spoiled food, but he has no choice but to clean it up. “I guess I can see why someone else would get that impression, but you?”

He grabs a plate and a fresh pair of chopsticks to pick the noodles up with. 

“I thought you at least would know better.”

He’s dodging the question, that much is obvious. Maybe he’s hoping Song Lan can reach a conclusion on his own, so he’ll be spared having to speak. It’s unlikely, though; the man is stubborn. 

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

Song lan resists the urge to grab Xue Yang and shake answers out of him.

"You know he's out there. Given your past obsession, why should I believe you won't go after him the second my back is turned?" Song Lan turns as he speaks, stepping up into Xue Yang's space.

"What, exactly, should I know better, than your delight in turning black into white, white into black," he asks roughly.

The laugh sounds again in the back of his mind, but with it, a voice screams Xiao Xingchen's name.

Could he feel remorse? No. Surely the regret is his failure to return Xingchen as a puppet.

[coffinseas]

distantsnowandcoldfrost​:

Song Lan lets out an unamused huff. “You. Want to talk.”

With his grip loosened, he knows it’s too late- some part of him has already decided not to kill him. He steps back quickly, frowning at the sense of loss as he draws away, and stares down at the hand Xue Yang had held. Why…

Fists clenched, Song Lan turns away from Xue Yang.

“What could you possibly have to say?” He asks, voice low and shaking.

It takes some effort to stay standing upright, so Xue Yang bends over slightly as soon as he’s released. With one arm over his ribs — he definitely heard a creak at least!  — he catches his breath with slow puffs of air.

He can’t say that he hasn’t thought that far, because he’d never be believed. It would be more accurate to say he doesn’t know where to begin.

He has the sudden urge to shuffle off to his coffin bed and take a nap. Song Lan might be gone when he wakes, though.

“That you don’t have to worry about me,” he murmurs, placing a hand on the counter as he crouches down to pick up the shattered remains of his bowl. “I have no interest in killing people. I have no interest in hurting Xiao Xingchen.”

Or you, but that part was obvious enough, he supposes. Also, it’s too cringeworthy to say out loud. He needs to have some face left, after all. 

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

"No interest..." Song Lan shakes his head, glaring at the table. "I know dying doesn't change people that much, so what is it? What happened to make you lose interest in killing?"

Would be able to even answer that question? If it was true, there must be something.

And what will he even do if Xue Yang can answer?

[coffinseas]

distantsnowandcoldfrost​:

Song Lan’s heart thunders in his chest. This is the man that ruined his life. Made his unlife hell.

“I should,” his voice almost wavers as he whispers. The strange caress on his hand around Xue Yang’s throat feels… Strange. Intimate. “The things you’ve done, the harm you caused, I-” He breaks off, feeling strangled himself.

Who am I to judge?

The victim! One he harmed!

You’re in the past. It hasn’t happened.

But it could, there’s nothing stopping him!

Isn’t there?

Song Lan loosens his hand a little, enough to just hold Xue Yang in place. The longer he holds him there, the stranger it feels. Xue Yang isn’t even resisting. Why?

Good, Xue Yang thinks as he takes as deep a breath as the loosened hold will allow, I haven’t lost my touch.

But that isn’t the full truth, and he knows it. Yes, once upon a time he would have done anything just to stay alive another day. Now? Not so much. 

But he is alive, and he’s just going to have to deal with that. Living, in a sense, is more painful than death proved to be, and isn’t that a fitting end?

He can feel Song Lan’s heartbeat as if it were his own, and Hell, maybe it is — this is the most exciting thing to happen to him in a long time. There’s a sweet pain that comes with the feeling of his frame being rhythmically jolted, one that says you failed to stop his heart for good. 

How cruel of fate to make it feel like a comfort. 

“Can we talk?” He ventures, and before he can stop himself, he echoes the sentiment of his past self, on the day when everything ended. “You can still kill me after if you want.”

He doesn’t move his hand away. 

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

Song Lan lets out an unamused huff. "You. Want to talk."

With his grip loosened, he knows it's too late- some part of him has already decided not to kill him. He steps back quickly, frowning at the sense of loss as he draws away, and stares down at the hand Xue Yang had held. Why...

Fists clenched, Song Lan turns away from Xue Yang.

"What could you possibly have to say?" He asks, voice low and shaking.

[coffinseas]

distantsnowandcoldfrost​:

I can’t.

I won’t-

He feels Xue Yang come near and stops holding himself back.

One arm sweeps Xue Yang back against the nearest wall. Song Lan’s other hand flashes up. He grips Xue Yang’s neck. His fingers dig into flesh as he squeezes. He holds the murderer against the wall with the rest of his body, ignoring the creeping, sick feeling touching another gives him.

“I can’t let it happen again,” he whispers. His eyes sting, the way they used to when he was on the verge of crying.

The bowl slips out of Xue Yang’s grasp and smashes against the ground, yet the shattering sound is drowned out by the ringing in his ears. He swears the very foundation of the house shook when his back hit the wall, and maybe something inside him cracked, too. 

Doesn’t really matter, though. He can’t believe he didn’t factor this possibility into the equation. He let his guard down; who the fuck is he now, getting choked out and having no one but himself to blame? The Xue Yang of the past would’ve seen this coming a mile away.

He’s torn between feeling frustration at his kindness being spit on, and something far worse, far more unwelcome — which unfortunately weighs heavier in his chest by a small margin. 

He can feel his vision start to blur as his ribs are crushed against his lungs, but he doesn’t mind it. He used to dream of this feeling, back before the collapse of everything — something so constricting, so inescapable that he’d be forced to gasp for air.

He slowly raises a hand to place it over Song Lan’s, and his grip is far from desperate. It almost seems calculated in its lightness, the brief glide of his thumb across the man’s knuckles only serving to add dissonance to the scene.

“So,” he manages to rasp out around the hand to his throat, “are you going to kill me?”

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

Song Lan's heart thunders in his chest. This is the man that ruined his life. Made his unlife hell.

"I should," his voice almost wavers as he whispers. The strange caress on his hand around Xue Yang's throat feels... Strange. Intimate. "The things you've done, the harm you caused, I-" He breaks off, feeling strangled himself.

Who am I to judge?

The victim! One he harmed!

You're in the past. It hasn't happened.

But it could, there's nothing stopping him!

Isn't there?

Song Lan loosens his hand a little, enough to just hold Xue Yang in place. The longer he holds him there, the stranger it feels. Xue Yang isn't even resisting. Why?

[coffinseas]

distantsnowandcoldfrost​:

Alright? Am I alright?! Song Lan’s eyes focus on Xue Yang in front of him, sitting calm as anything. Alive. Whole. As whole as he ever was at least.

Song Lan stands abruptly, staring down at the bowl of food with his hands flat on the table. There’s a ringing in his ears that won’t go away, beneath it, an insidious laugh and an anguished cry.

It hasn’t happened.

But it did, for this Xue Yang.

It won’t happen again.

But what if it does?

If I can’t find him, if he finds his way here-

No! No I can’t let it happen again.

Song Lan’s stomach twists, his chest feels hollow with the thought of the two meeting again.

Unsurprisingly, Xue Yang does not flinch at the sudden movement across from him. All the same, he is curious, and is finding it difficult to keep his brain from conjuring up imaginary scenarios. 

Is Song Lan going to bolt out the door? Did he think twice about his predicament and decide that having Xue Yang help him is a fate worse than death? Is he maybe paranoid that every second they spend together is one he wastes not finding Xiao Xingchen?

What good does caring do? Why should I give a shit if he stays or goes? Let him leave if he wants. Better for me anyway.

Despite what his brain is telling him, he stands up and makes his way over to the other side of the table, reaching out for Song Lan’s bowl.

“If you don’t like the food, just say so,” he sighs. “As if I’d waste poison on the last of my noodles…”

[distantsnowandcoldfrost]

I can't.

I won't-

He feels Xue Yang come near and stops holding himself back.

One arm sweeps Xue Yang back against the nearest wall. Song Lan's other hand flashes up. He grips Xue Yang's neck. His fingers dig into flesh as he squeezes. He holds the murderer against the wall with the rest of his body, ignoring the creeping, sick feeling touching another gives him.

"I can't let it happen again," he whispers. His eyes sting, the way they used to when he was on the verge of crying.