The Pretty Lies, The Ugly Truth

Miss Dixie Rutherford 25 - Diagnosed OCD Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions). Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provided temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety. A person's level of OCD ca be anywhere from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, it can destroy a person's capacity to function at work, at school, or even to lead a comfortable existence in the home.

[crownyourhatred-deactivated2017]

“I am that shallow” he replied, unaffected by what she had said about him. Petty or not he liked being around people he thought were normal and beautiful. He could like with quirks but when quirks like hers turned someone who should have been beautiful into something ugly and annoying, he was tired of the delusion she had brought around herself. If she thought it was normal and she could just deal with it, she was in for a rude awakening. “And I am not the only one around here that is. How many people do you think stared at you while you cleaned the booth? How many people stare at your hands in the summer as you insist that it is not a problem. Wake up. No one is going to like you if they have adjust drastically to make sure you are not upset about something minut about something they cannot even see. So you may call me shallow all you wish but I am not the only one. I happen to fall along the normal lines. You are the one that want to push that line to accept you but it will not” he spat. “You will not. If you are going to not do something get why you will not do it correct. You will not take them off. It has nothing to do with something you cannot. They are not super glues or sewed onto your hands. You put them on and you can take them off” Lucas said, rolling his eyes and looking away from her and towards the wall.

[dixierutherford]

"I never said it wasn't a problem," Dixie whispered, her voice turning into something quiet and twisted with sadness and bitterness. She turned to look at him again, her expression hurt like looking at his face was comparable to looking directly at the sun. "I've lost a lot of things because of this. I wish I could live without it because believe me it-" she cut off, swallowing hard. She bit the inside of her cheek hard as she tried to recompose herself. "I know it doesn't make any sense." She set her jaw when he told her no one would like her. A fear welled up in her chest, he'd struck the nerve directly. Perhaps she could get on not being well liked, but feeling like she couldn't make anyone happy or that she was useless made even the idea of getting through the next moment seem impossibly bleak. Her hands, still gloved, shook beneath the table and her chest constricted. He needed to stop talking, and he wouldn't. If she could open her mouth, tell him that she'd heard every word of it before, almost ver batum, along with the fact that there simply wasn't enough time for her in the day, from a former fiance she would have. She would have screamed at him that he had little right, no right, to tell her she wasn't worth the same because she was damaged, but even if she had it wouldn't be Lucas she wanted to hear the message. He looked away and Dixie felt light headed but she somehow made her way to her feet without disturbing anything. "I don't know what or who happened to make you so bitter," Dixie said in a stressed voice, wincing at the sight of his face turned away from her, "but just because you can't beat them doesn't mean you should join them." 

[crownyourhatred-deactivated2017]

There was nothing that Lucas disliked about the woman in front of him more than the fact she always seemed to be happy. He knew she was not. He could see it in her eyes the way she looked when she thought no one was looking.  Yet here she was, sitting across from him with that perfect smile on her face that he wanted nothing more slap it off. He wanted the real Dixie, not this sugar coated girl who pretended that the world was okay. He had nothing of any worth to say to her but the only thing he wanted to do was snap at her, make her realize how little she truly meant to him.

“What I do is really no concern to you now is it?” he replied sharply. “And if I am okay or not is another thing that does not concern you” His eyes narrowed as he took her in. She was the same. The same frightened girl afraid of everything. “Take off those ridiculous gloves” he added. “It’s embarrassing to be seen in public with you like that. Did you wipe the seats down and are you giving yourself the mental peptalk.” Lucas rolled his eyes as he let his fingers trance part of the table as he looked at the blonde. “So, take off the gloves and keep them off.”  

[dixierutherford]

"You're the one who asked me along the other day if you've forgotten that," Dixie answered, her face pulling into a slight frown. She tried to keep her voice level since yelling at Lucas wasn't going to help nor was it something she wanted to do. "And I guess I just got a little concerned about you. I may not know you that well but that don't mean I can't or don't care about how you're doing." She was upset, and bit of her Southern twang had made its way to the surface again. Mark had teased her mercilessly for it, ridiculed her even, until it was altogether unrecognizable in her speech. It only came back when she was distressed or angry. Her eyes dropped down to the surface of the table as she spoke again, and she wasn't which of the two she felt more. "No," she told him, a little gumption and defiance behind her voice. She looked back at him and she knew she looked wounded but he wasn't going to shame her into hanging her head through the duration of their exchange. "If you're shallow enough to be embarrassed by them that's a little petty," Dixie told him, but the hurt carried into her voice. She knew she was an embarrassment, that she was marked with the telltale red letter of a crazy person, and that most people out with her had gotten looks like they were newly canonized for putting up with her irrational practices. "So what if I did?" she asked weakly, almost cringing at the venom in his words. She glanced away from him, trying to ignore the way her eyes felt wet and the tip of her nose prickled like it always did when she was trying not to cry. The lump that rose in her throat nearly silenced her. She was watching another young man and woman together and normal and without removing their eyes from them she denied Lucas' command with a harshly forced whisper. "I can't."

[crownyourhatred-deactivated2017]

Call after call came from the same person. Each time Lucas ignored the call. He did not want to talk to anyone, least of all her right now. Each call ended with no voice mail and Lucas was at least grateful for that. He could continue to ignore her until he wanted to talk to her again. Which at his rate would be never. She was passive and there was little she could do to change his mind. Until she finally left a message after a phone call. His phone beeped to tell him he actually had a voice message for a change. With a sigh he listened to the message with no interest. She wanted to meet, to see him. He was hesitant to even go. He wanted to see no one and yet he felt like she did not really give him an option to say no. 

Slowly he got around and left to meet her at his cafe she had picked. He was late and he knew it but it did not bother him in the least. Church, Dixie, everything seemed to fall the wayside lately. Nothing mattered and he was not even sure why he had bothered to show up to meet her. He could have feigned ignorance about when he got the message.

"Hello" he said coolly as he sat down next to her. He had no idea what she wanted or why she kept on calling him. You would think after the first seven missed calls someone would have caught on to the fact they were being ignored.  

[dixierutherford]

Lucas wasn’t exactly a close friend of Dixie’s. In fact, she doubted very strongly he considered her a friend at all, and while most people would fight tooth and nail that friendship had to be a two-way street Dixie didn’t feel the same. She wasn’t sure what had kept the headstrong boy from answering her phone calls. It could have been his general aversion to her personality, or maybe he really was just busy, but it seemed strange to her that the snarky, headstrong young man who had been so keen to prove her wrong didn’t want to take advantage of the opportunity to do so again. She had at first wanted to ask him if she could come back to the church with him and talk to the women and visit with the children. It was an affair that had pushed her far out of her comfort zone and that had distressed her, but there was a sense of unity there and genuine appreciation for her company, even if it was just to gossip, that she craved. When Lucas hadn’t answered the first phone call Dixie wasn’t put off in the slightest, but by the fifth and sixth there was a sense of worry she couldn’t ignore.

Dixie had given him a time and place to meet her, but she knew for a person like Lucas it was no guarantee he’d show up at all. She arrived early, gloved up and skin covered to avoid contact with any of the outside contaminants. Still, she was worried. It was a relief to her when he coffee cup was pulled from a brand new plastic sleeve of cups, a sure sign of sanitation. Before she set it and the fruity little pastry she had ordered down on the booth she had chosen, she wiped the table down with a disinfectant wipe. Her face was rest, embarrassed as a few businessmen and gossiping women stared at her. She tried to ignore them and wiped down her side of the booth. She began to sit, but her better judgment told her to wipe down the seat across from her to protect Lucas from any germs that might be lingering too. It was a relief to her that Lucas was late. She sat in her booth with her eyes closed tight giving herself a mental pep talk and promising herself that the food was safe, that the café was clean, and nothing bad was going to happen if she had a few sips of coffee and the little Danish she’d picked out for herself. With a still turning stomach she took her first sip of coffee.

“Well, good morning,” Dixie greeted, smiling warmly despite his frosty greeting. “Sure is good to hear from you by now.” She wasn’t sure to say to him, or what excuse she had to make him come around. She shifted slightly, folding her gloved hands in her lap. “You know, it really isn’t nice to drop off the face of planet like that. I was worried; especially since you haven’t given me some second Herculean task to prove to you I’m worth a thing or two. I know something ain’t right.” Dixie kept her eyes focused on him and hoped he knew that she spoke out of genuine concern for his wellbeing. She shook her head and lifted her hands for a moment. “Now, I’m not going to ask you what’s wrong. It isn’t my business, especially if you don’t want to tell me right off the bat. But I’m still worried, and I do have to know if you’re okay.” She bit her bottom lip slightly, looking at him for some sort of response and fully expecting a bit of hostile backlash. 

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

She’s six inches and big, hairy, and pink and white. She’s adorable and probably the only child I’ll call my own. So she’s a spoiled little spider. And if I put other spiders in there, she might hunt them. You don’t mix spiders unless you plan on one of them to be hunted. And the spiders you see aren’t poisonous. Only two spiders in this country are poisonous and you are fine here. 

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. I absolutely cannot get enough of that movie.

What is your favorite animal?

[dixierutherford]

You have a pink spider? Is she supposed to be pink or she just is? Well, then I guess I'd just be buying her dinner in that case! Or you could have another pet but who knows if Katya would get jealous. They're not? Then why do most people have reactions to their bites? Two? What kind? They aren't in Kentucky or anything, are they? That's where I'm from.

With Jim Carrey? I've never seen the whole thing but I know a lot of people like it. 

Oh, goodness. I don't really know? I don't like animals that much--they're not very clean, so I suppose ones I don't have to touch or clean up after are preferred, so not dogs or cats. I like... well, I like otters? You know, at the zoo in their little tanks swimming around. 

Oh, let's see... What to ask you... Do you like, uh... poetry?

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

Honestly, I have stopped caring. The only people that matter love me and I am happy. I don’t need anyone else to be anything for me. Love me or hate me, it is their choice.

I can’t imagine living like that.Being afraid just to live or experience anything because of being afraid. 

My baby. For my birthday four years ago my family got me a paper spider as their joke present but then my real present was my Katya. She’s a spider.

How did it start? The fear I mean.

[dixierutherford]

It certainly isn't too easy to get much done... I used to be better but, you know, things happen. 

A spider? Really? I like that name. How big is it? I'd be so scared! I can't squish them either, I get too afraid. I usually just trap them under a bowl and someone else has to take care of it. Maybe I'll call you next time and Katya can have a new friend.

I guess it started when I was little, really. My aunt got sick, lung cancer actually, and kids are germy. So the doctor told me I had to wash my hands three times before I could see her and then I started doing it every time I washed my hands and it just kept going and going and going.

Kind of a trivial question, but what's your favorite movie?

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

Not everyone agrees what a person is. The most I can do anymore is just let it happen and smile. Maybe one day people will realize how much of an ass they are.

That is a lot of things to be afraid of. How do you even get out of bed in the morning with all those fears?

You forgot to ask a question sweetheart.

[dixierutherford]

Well, between you and me those people are wrong, and you and the people in your life are the ones with opinions that matter. Unfortunately some of the laws in this country don't support that theory, but I think only listening to the right kind of people helps. Well, we can hope, but if they aren't smart enough to see it now there may be no hope for the future. 

I know it is. It doesn't make sense. It's not easy. Getting out the door in the morning is worse. I try to find mediums, you know? So that I can feel safe if I do walk out the door.

Oh! You're right, I sure did. What's the best gift you ever got?

[dallas-landry-deactivated201401]

Y’really mean that?

[dixierutherford]

Of course I mean that. Why are you going around thinking anything otherwise, huh? 

[a4everfangirl]

Visit Original Link

[dixierutherford]

If you're going out with someone new I'm going out with someone too I won't feel sorry for me, I'm getting drunk But I'd much rather be somewhere with you

I can go out every night of the week, Can go home with anybody I meet,  But its just a temporary high,  'Cause when I close my eyes,  I'm somewhere with you If you see me out on the town And it looks like I'm burning it down You won't ask and I won't say But in my heart I'm always somewhere with you

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

The world kinda went right after that. So I cannot complain.

Keeps it interesting for me at least. I’ll know all your deepest secrets, things people take weeks to find out but I won’t even know your name.

Question number four. What is your worst fear?

[dixierutherford]

I'm glad to hear you're doing better. You seem to interesting to be wasted on the opinions of stupid people like that. A person is a person is a person, no two ways around it. Huh, I guess that's an interesting way to think about it. I guess I won't tell you my name until you ask for it then.

Oh, lordy, you sure you have all day to sit around and listen to that? I'm scared of germs. I'm scared of hurting people. I'm scared of people hurting me. I'm scared of someone hurting my family. I'm scared of touching things. I'm scared of food if I don't know how it was prepared. I'm terrified of bathrooms and city sidewalks and door knobs and city benches and public transportation and airports and waiting rooms and lobbies and people who cough and sneeze and... I guess what I'm most scared of, more than any of those things... is that i'm always going to be scared of them. 

[emmett-carr-deactivated20160617]

I suppose I oughta get a new phone

[emmett-carr-deactivated20160617]

I think my Grandma takes special interest in me because I don’t have a wife and babies. She thinks I’m lonely. Though perhaps that’s not it, because god knows she doesn’t give my dad this much attention and he socializes less than I do. Shit if it makes you feel better I don’t get a lot of “Yay, Emmett we’re proud of you,” spotlight either. Sure it’s good to be happy for other people, but you deserve to be happy for yourself now and then too.

[dixierutherford]

Well, you're plenty young! Remind her that just because she isn't you are! And I'm sure you're one of those career driven men, right? You look like a hard worker. Well, she's had your dad around a lot longer. Maybe she's sick of him? I'm plenty happy... Really, I am.

[dallas-landry-deactivated201401]

Y’at like that’s hard t’believe ‘r somethin’. Well, y’just…mentioned earlier that y’didn’t want…well, I ain’t wanna be annoyin’ and make ya get real tired’a me.

[dixierutherford]

I guess to me it is a little hard to believe. I didn't want what? What did I say? I talk a lot, if you haven't noticed. It's not the easiest thing in the world for me to keep track. I don't think that's going to happen, Dallas. 

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I-…

I thought I was worthless. A freak. No one could relate to what I was feeling and everyone just thought I was insane for trying to put words to it. I was two states over from my family who I was too scared to share anything with. You can fill in the rest of the story but I would say that was the worst thing I’ve done.

Who is your biggest hero?

[dixierutherford]

I'm very sorry your had to feel that way, or that anyone ever thought it was okay to make you feel that way, and that you were feeling so alone from your family on top of it. I think I know where you're going. But if it's any consolation I'm glad it didn't work out and you're here to play this game with me. 

That one is easy. My mom is. She built her own business from the ground up when she got out of college. I always wanted to do the same thing, but I didn't want to so the same stuff she does. But she's the smartest woman I know, and she's also my mom so she has that going for her, but she works really hard. And I'm proud I'm her daughter. I just sort of hope it's true the other way around, you know?

Well, I suppose I will ask... why you haven't asked my name yet? Just curious, of course. 

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I’m scared of rejection. Though that is just a generic fear it is something I am scared of in general.

What is the craziest thing that you have ever done in your life?

[dixierutherford]

I think at the core everyone is afraid that. Maybe not from everyone, but from at least one person you know? I guess I'd have to say, um, probably hurting myself in one way or another. Or some of the things I've thought before are pretty... pretty crazy.

What was the worst thing you ever did because how someone else made you feel?

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I am Alexei Lukin. My turn. What about yourself do you find the most pride in?

[dixierutherford]

Well, I guess I really like my hair. And I think I smell nice, but that's just my perfume, not anything I really do. And I can cook and bake!

I guess that makes it my turn again. I guess I want to know... what you're scared of? That's kind of a boring one, though. Sorry. 

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

They can be anything questions.

And no I won’t count it against you.

[dixierutherford]

Alright. Well, I guess I would settle for your name then?

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

Just a fun game of twenty questions. At least the game has an end in sight. You could even have the honors of asking the first question.

[dixierutherford]

Do they have to be yes or no questions? Oh! shoot. Does that count as my question?

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I want to play a game.

[emersondurant-deactivated201706]

I only deal with truths sweetheart. Dares are only fun when it pushes the other person and there is nothing you could ask me to do that would push me.

Truths are harder. And by your wanting of dares, I would say truths are hard for you as well.

[dixierutherford]

Most things are hard for me, so don't worry about it. So, what kind of truths is this game about?