noren / dnyl (alternatively: fuck you and jaennifer)
renjun suspects jeno is cheating on him with his childhood friend.
cross-posted to ao3 / rating: teen and up / word count: 12134
hello children. this fic is very obviously inspired by the dreamies newest station dnyl which you should 100% stream cuz *kisses fingers* molto bene!!!!!!! big big thanks to my friend @henderson_wong (on ao3) for betaing and putting fire under my ass whenever needed the alternative title is from bülows song titled 'fuck you and jennifer' please enjoy
Everything about Renjun’s demeanor as he stormed through the courtyard of his school was the prime dictionary definition of explosive. It was the angry tears oozing at the corners of his eyes, it was the stomping, apace stride, the balled fists which so fervently attempted to wipe at the wetness on his cheeks every few seconds despite the very blatancy thereof, and it was the overall aura that shrouded his alarming presence, that made people automatically turn their heads and break out into hushed murmurs.
It was the aura of someone who has just broken up with someone.
And it so happened to be Renjun’s boyfriend of ten months, school basketball team leader and commonly known high school sweetheart, Lee Jeno. Whose yellow basketball jersey was now permanently graced with a big irremovable stain of pink Kool-Aid, courtesy of his now-ex-boyfriend.
It really was a call of fate, Renjun reasoned. Not even five minutes before the beginning of classes that day, Renjun received a text from Chenle, saying his friend Jisung, Jeno’s neighbor, had spotted Jeno and Jaemin leave his boyfriend’s house together earlier with what looked like a bag of toiletries and immediately Renjun got the unrelenting urge to vomit all over the chemistry homework he was copying for third block, as it suddenly occurred to him why he hadn’t received his daily Good Morning text for the first time since they started dating. Renjun found himself in the male washroom of the gym, the one place where he knew no one to be at this hour because it was furthest from the cafeteria, furthest from him, and lunch break still lasted for another seven minutes which he could spend having his irate heaving echo against the devoid walls freely before he’d have to suck it all up and move on to the next class looking like nothing affected him.
As if nothing affected him.
Renjun laughed bitterly. His phone was going off with all sorts of notification sounds, some from Line indicating them being from his older brother, others from iMessage which indicated Chenle, or their group chat, or perhaps – Renjun bit down on his bottom lip. Removing his phone from his pocket, avoiding explicitly reading anything on the screen before holding down the shutdown button and panic-strickenly swiping for it to turn off as if it was a ticking time bomb. Once the sounds were cut off, he pushed open the door of the last stall to slump against the closed toilet seat, fresh sobs raking their way through his tied up throat as he pressed the heels of his palms against his drenched orbits.
Fuck Lee Jeno.
Fuck Lee Jeno and fuck Na Jaemin. May they fuck each other and let everyone else live in peace.
“Renjun?”
He startled, instinctively pulling his knees to his chest, yet he knew that he had given himself away when a rueful sniffle broke the dead silence upon Mark’s entering. A pair of feet stopped before his stall.
“Renjun, I know you’re in here.”
“Go away,” He hissed.
Mark sighed.
“How are you doing?”
“Just about fucking brilliant, thank you very much.”
He knew he was being harsh on his friend, but he wasn’t in a mood to talk. He wanted to go home, curl up in his bed, soak his panda plush with tears until he was completely devoid of emotion and then fall asleep watching some cheap new Netflix original. All simple requests he supposed, and yet all so far from tangible at this moment. Renjun shed another tear at the thought.
Mark still wasn’t moving, and Renjun assumed he was looking for something to say. Good old Mark was never a man of words, and usually Renjun found it in him to applaud the effort but not today. The silence lingered for a bit, and Renjun hated every second of it considering he spent the entirety of it actively attempting to suppress audibly sobbing so Mark wouldn’t get even more concerned, and god forbid, suggest for Renjun to go home. He had to know that Renjun would nevertheless insist he had to maintain a strong stance in front of the school, especially after the embarrassment he underwent in the cafeteria, this kind-of-obsession with image consistently having earned him That Look from Mark that he really wasn’t all too keen on having today.
Renjun had to look strong. He had to look certain.
As much as he couldn’t deny that getting over someone wasn’t a matter of hours, or days even, he wasn’t going to let people speculate on the validity of their breakup – Renjun was sure, and Renjun didn’t hand out chances like free candy. People had to learn that. Renjun had to learn that.
“Let me know if you want to talk,” Was all that Renjun heard before the sneakers beneath the stall door set in motion, seemingly heading towards the exit.
God bless Mark. God bless Mark and friends like Chenle, and Jisung even, for having his back. Love was for suckers, Renjun concluded, and unlike Jeno he knew his friends to be loyal to him even if he acted like an impulsive bullheaded crybaby. His blurry vision zoomed into a spot on the mud brown stall wall to his left, nausea rising in him again.
A heart-framed ‘J+R’ written with black permanent marker which seemed to subsist for the sole purpose of twisting the knife in Renjun’s gut, as if it predicted all of this was going to happen, and Renjun was seriously going to vomit.
But first he had to sit through two more blocks.
Renjun had done his fair share of angry moping the following weekend, his older brother popping his head into Renjun’s room every few hours or so to find the younger wrapped up in his blanket pretending to sleep, as if he hadn’t just bawled his eyes out for what seemed like the five hundredth time since school ended that particular day, and when Monday rolled around he almost found himself jumping into some shallow guise of the routine he had before the incident.
But just almost.
Leaving out the two thirds of his day that used to revolve solely around Jeno it seemed. But luckily he had friends who seemed to have nothing better to concern themselves with than spending their afternoons hanging out at Chenle’s place, their usual hangout spot because the boy’s father was some rich corporate business bloke with three sticks up his ass while his mom was a pilot – an odd couple, as the people who knew liked to point out every so often, and while it meant that Chenle was often alone, it also meant they had a bat cave, a bat mansion rather, that they could unwind in after school hours and play Wii to their hearts’ content.
They were sprawled out in Chenle’s living room, the youngest on the floor in front of Mark and Renjun who had plopped down onto the vast cream couch that would most definitely fit all of them if only Chenle didn’t insist that sitting on the floor felt more organic. It was around the third round of Mario Kart that Renjun was practically itching to talk about it, but he kept seal, at least until Mark exasperatedly slammed the controller onto the cushion next to him effectively declaring defeat until his spirits would be magically lifted again.
“How are you dealing, Renjun?”
Renjun deflated backwards into the cushions with a huff. “Dealing.”
“Have you seen him today?”
He had.
And it was as aggravating of an ordeal as Renjun had anticipated, the lack of having properly dealt with his feelings seeping past the stone cold guise that he had deliberately plastered onto his face before entering school premises in apprehension of said scenario. It was before Renjun’s second block, when he knew Jeno to be having basketball, that he snuck to his locker in hopes of avoiding the latter when by ill luck he found the very devil himself leaning against it, eyes catching onto Renjun quickly and striding towards him with urgency.
“Renjun I–”
“Swallow it.”
He turned on his heel to skate down the other direction, not even bothering to pick a swift pace knowing that Jeno would chase him down regardless. Feeling fingers grasp at his wrist, Renjun promptly snapped his head towards the other to shoot him a murderous glare, one that made Jeno loosen his grip instantaneously without Renjun having to utter a single word.
“Renjun, I beg you, please let me explain to you,” Jeno’s eyes were genuinely pleading, Renjun could tell, and yet it only made him grate his teeth even further.
“I don’t want your dumbass explanation,” Venom seeped through his tone and he noted how it made Jeno almost reflexively take a step back. “I don’t want to see you or your new boytoy ever again. Stay the fuck away from me.”
It shocked Renjun how much satisfaction he got from seeing everything from Jeno’s expression to his body visibly deflate, twist with hurt and in some indistinct nook of Renjun’s mind he thought himself to be a sadist for enjoying what felt like kicking a puppy in its guts. But he took that feeling over the overawing feel of remorse that overcame him by the time he sat in class later on any day, and he was resolute that if Jeno tried to show up in front of his locker again he’d start storing his stuff in Chenle’s to make the message all the clearer. Mark looked considerably awed at Renjun’s retelling of the incident, the latter having left out the part about kicking puppies for obvious reasons.
“Damn, Injoon, you served it to the fucker cold,” Chenle quipped from below, Renjun feeling pride disseminate in his chest.
“Wasn’t that a bit harsh?”
Renjun rolled his eyes. “Whose side are you on?”
“Yours, yours,” Mark’s hands shot up defensively. “But did you actually hear anything about what happened apart from what Jisung said he saw? For all we know it could literally just be a misunder–”
“Hey, are you questioning my friend’s integrity?” Chenle barked in offense, and Renjun was quick to follow up, getting more irritated with every second of Mark’s tentativeness.
“I know because this isn’t the first time Jaemin caused problems between us. Mind you, you were the one telling me to dump Jeno’s ass when he and Jaemin got all cozy at your party that one summer.”
“That was eight months ago! You guys have made progress since then,” Mark argued, Renjun all the more tense.
“Have we though!? Because he was the one who promised there was nothing going on when there was, very evidently, something going on the whole time, right in front of my fucking face mind you and now I look like Boo-Boo the fucking Fool because I haven’t seen this coming from a mile away like I should have!”
Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to talk about it. Renjun realized his mistake now. A frown was settled deeply into the crease between his eyebrows, and he didn’t look at his friends, a certain sense telling him that the two were exchanging telling glances at this very moment. The wound was still raw, and while he immediately felt a prick of conscience upon yelling at Mark for asking questions that weren’t in the slightest short of validity, he also felt a pang of hurt at their lack of faith in his decision. He knew it wasn’t realistic to expect unconditional support in whatever Renjun decided, but he couldn’t deny he was stubbornly expecting it nonetheless.
“You know what, fuck the guy,” Mark suddenly spoke up again, and Renjun finally glanced up again to see the tension his friends’ faces having worn down, to his relief.
“Yeah, fuck the guy!” Chenle mimicked, sounding almost excited at the prospect of going back to bashing Renjun’s ex. “Jisung says he sucks at basketball anyway, if his dad wasn’t friends with his coach he wouldn’t even have made it as captain!”
“Enough Lele,” Mark warned, and sometimes Renjun was grateful for Mark’s insistency to always do the mature thing.
“By the way, I tried to talk to him today.”
For a second Renjun’s brain jumped to Jeno? once more, but he immediately came to his senses. He seriously had to get over his Jeno tunnel vision.
“How did it go?”
“I wasn’t even going to talk about it,” Mark picked at the hem of a hole in his ripped jeans. “That’s how bad.”
Renjun was sort of relieved that Mark was changing the subject to his distant crush, a change from the charged up earlier topic more than welcome.
“I asked him if he still needed backing for his number at the talent show and he asked how I knew he’s participating this year,” His lips pressed into a tight line. “I got nervous as hell and then his friends came around and I just. I said Don’t worry about it and turned around and left.”
Chenle started cackling, earning himself an eyeroll from Renjun’s end followed by a slap to the back of his head.
“You could’ve just told him that you assumed because he participated last year,” Renjun said almost scoldingly. “Baffling how your braincells exit the second he breathes in your direction.”
“Implying Mark has any to begin with.”
This time the smack was considerably harder, as was the Ow! that Chenle huffed out in response.
“I let you into the sanctuary of my home and this is how you repay me!”
“Stop being a dick, this is our crisis circle and you’re putting it to shame,” Renjun snapped back, returning his regard to his best friend.
When suddenly, he was hit by a brain wave.
“Guys,” Renjun pondered. Both friends fixed their gaze on him. “What if we created a club?”
Mark grimaced slightly.
“A club? It concerns me that this comes right after you called our hangouts crisis circles.”
Renjun didn’t annotate to that. “A club like. You know, like Anonymous Alcoholics just for people who,” He beat about for the right words. He didn’t particularly want to use the term heartbroken, as his heart was whole and anything but, thank you very much. “People who don’t need love?”
“People who don’t need love? Sounds very dramatic,” Chenle sneered. “I like it.”
“I need love though. Lee Donghyuck’s love preferably.”
Renjun gave Mark’s thigh a light push. “Come on, Mark. It’s not just for people who resent love. Just for people who have been let down by it.”
“This is so high school slice-of-life movie-esque, people would eat it up,” Chenle tapped his finger against the solid cushions. “Besides, this school lives for the gossip, and this screams drama.”
Renjun had a feeling his eyes would eventually get stuck at the back of his head, because for one, point at the obvious, and secondly, how was he supposed to convince Mark with the agenda blatantly displayed like that. “Not really the point. But yes,” He turned his regard back to the older. “Imagine how much motivation could come from hearing everyone else struggle with the same shit you do. How much raw, balled up emotion we could gather in one room, and we don’t even need to call anyone by their names. Just a bunch of kids letting out their frustrations, to help them cope with all this shit and we could even do some rebellious teen activities to let off some steam. It’d give us strength, a fortress within the school, people supporting each other, outsiders wanting to be a part. We’d be untouchable. Like an actual support group, but just, cool you know?” He elbowed his friend lightly. “And who knows, maybe Donghyuck shows up to join one day.”
Mark’s brows settled into a light frown at that. “Sounds like you’re just saying that to convince me.”
Renjun grinned. “Is it working?”
Mark zoned in on the table top in front of them. “Maybe.”
“Cool,” Renjun’s head whipped to Chenle, his creative impulsivity having reached new peaks at that very moment. “Chenle, we need posters.”
“Aye aye, captain.”
“And a classroom. Preferably far from the cafeteria, somewhere quiet and secluded. No science classrooms – they always smell of phosphor,” Chenle avidly typed away on the note app on his phone. “We also need a good name. Something that people will remember and want to tell their friends about. Something like–”
“DNYL?” Mark cut in, expression still featuring hints of hesitancy. Renjun and Chenle turned to look at him. “It’s like. Don’t need your love, but with letters in short.”
Wow. Mark really was a man of speech.
“DNYL,” Renjun tried on his tongue. “It works.”
“It works!” Chenle piped up.
“It screams chaos,” Mark mumbled.
Renjun half smiled at his friends, newfound confidence making his chest rise solemnly. “Which is exactly what I’m after.”
Renjun was impressed.
Chenle really didn’t disappoint, and neither did Jisung, Chenle’s creative mastermind and designated partner in crime, as they liked to call it. God knows when they had found the time to do all of this, but the next morning when Renjun walked into school he was awed to find posters plastered all over the hallways, on lockers, pillars, classroom doors and water fountains. Renjun was kind of sad at the notion that all of that hard work may eventually prove futile, latest when the school decided to put all of them down as soon as the principal got whiff of the situation, but he also considered that a fair amount of people was bound to see the uproar before that’d happen, particularly taking the sheer quantity of them into account. Chenle was smart enough to merely reference a vague meeting spot and not a specific classroom, from which he’d escort students to the club location so they may remain shielded from teachers’ prying eyes – merely students were to speak of DNYL and its location or circumstances, and snitches, as Renjun smilingly referred later at lunch that day, got stitches. Chenle and Jisung were a force to be reckoned with.
Renjun did spot Jeno in the cafeteria again, but to his relief the latter made no attempt to chase him upon sight again, merely shooting Renjun a longing gaze (Chenle’s words, not Renjun’s) before joining a table primarily assembled of his basketball team mates.
“I know exactly what the topic of our first DNYL meeting should be!”
“Chenle, there is no specific topic for meetings, we’re just supposed to ramble.”
“Hear me out, won’t you,” He said, offended, threateningly charging his spoon with sticky rice in Renjun’s direction. “My parents won’t be home until Sunday this week, how about we hold an initiation party at my place? You know, to get the people hyped and bonding and drunk!”
Renjun mused, nodding along. Mark hummed. Almost as if on cue, Jisung emerged from what seemed to be the jock table to slide into the seat next to Chenle, tossing his bag to his feet.
“Hey everybody,” The others regarded him with a nod respectively. “How do you like the posters?”
“They’re insane, how the fuck did you make them so fast? When did you guys put them up?” Mark asked half weary half impressed.
Chenle and Jisung shared a glance.
“I have an uncle who owns a print shop who lent the keys and the design makes itself when you listen to heartbreak-legends like Marina and Ari during the process. As for hanging them up,” A half-grin unfurled on his lips. “Let’s say the school’s night guard still owes me a couple favors.”
“Isn’t he the kid that dropped out the year he was supposed to graduate?”
“Yeah, who do you think got him the job.”
Mark stared at the younger in disbelief, shaking his head as he placed his regard back to picking on his mediocre sandwich. The fact that a mere spark of an idea seemed to just fall into place so seamlessly made Renjun feel the closest to joy he had in days, the sweet thrill of high school spirit effectively sticking a band aid to his bruised, aching heart. He shot an inconspicuous glance towards Jeno’s table, immediately averting it again when he saw Na Jaemin’s face directed right back at him. So much for inconspicuous. He unceremoniously rejoined the chatter of his friends, which had bizarrely swayed to the topic of genetically conditioned tongue shapes.
When Chenle arrived to their chosen headquarters with what looked like a small crowd, even Renjun wasn’t short of a smug and prideful grin.
“Delivery!” Chenle piped, and the people started sprawling out amongst the classroom, some clustering, others off by themselves, but each somewhat assembled into a circular shape and murmuring away.
Renjun asserted his position with a hem. “Welcome students, to DNYL. Be aware this isn’t just a place to talk shit about exes,” A student got up from one of the tables, leaving the classroom, Renjun continuing without a beat. “But a place to unwind and forget about them. Here we go by a few simple rules,” He theatrically whipped out a piece of paper with a pointed list on it. “Point one, do not glorify love. We’re here because love can suck it, frankly, so this one should go without saying. Second point – no crying. No one’s worth that shit, no exes, no current boy or girlfriends, no crush, just, suck it up. We don’t mourn these sorts of disappointments. Point three, good vibes. Pretty self-explanatory, basically don’t be fucking dicks, alright. No one’s a bully here, no one shames the other, no one picks fights. As long as you follow these,” His eyes sternly scanned the crowd. “DNYL welcomes you with open arms.”
“Then what do we do here,” A female student cut in, Renjun recognizing her from Calculus last year. “What’s the point of this club? How is this not a big waste of my time, I have a GPA to uphold. Why should I, or anyone be here?”
Fending off irritation with smugness, Renjun replied. “Glad you asked,” He raised his voice a notch. “In celebration of the founding of this club, we are going to host an initiation party this Friday, 7 p.m., address will be passed along members throughout the week, drinks will be provided. Which brings me to another rule,” Renjun’s gaze hardened again. “Snitches, my loves, get stitches. This is a club for the students, and I expect everyone to return the courtesy. Clear?”
The room had broken out into murmurs once more, Renjun throwing an inquiring glance Mark’s way who gave him the quiet thumbs up. Renjun felt over the moon. No, he felt powerful, in control, and he couldn’t suppress the smile on his face when calculus gave him the nod of approval after having counselled with her friends. Renjun knew exactly what they were out for, and really, he wouldn’t want it any different – students were like attracted to the exclusivity like moths were to light, and the prospect of parties was precisely what it took to sway them. Since the seniors who used to throw the parties around school had graduated, there had been dead silence in the outer school activity department, apart from the occasional stoner party that the general school body rarely liked to frequent. Parties meant things happening, chaos, drama, sex, alcohol. All the socially acceptable forbidden, and Renjun felt like he held the bucket of treats in his very hands.
“Uh, Renjun,” Mark pointed at the door, unease suddenly washing over his features. For a moment Renjun was absolutely convinced the spell was about to be broken by them being busted by a teacher on their very first assembly, when he turned his head to ascertain it something almost worse.
“You.”
Renjun stomped to the door in fast strides, promptly aiming for the color as to drag Jeno outside into the hallway – merely to discover that it only got worse from there. He forced out an incredulous laugh.
“This has to be the joke of the fucking century. You show up here, and then you have the fucking audacity to bring your new boytoy along!?” He swore he could’ve strangled Jeno when he saw whose mien flash with hurt, he would’ve. He really would’ve.
“I didn’t know you would be behind this.”
“Well, surprise, I fucking am, now get the fuck out of here because you two aren’t welcome.”
Jeno’s eyes narrowed, but he said no more apart from a subdued “Let’s go Jaemin.” before he turned down the hallway with one last look, one that Renjun would gladly refuse to decipher, ever. A rage boiled at the pit of his gut, a rage that he knew to be not solely rage, but mixed with something else, something he wouldn’t own up to, something far less badass – sadness.
When Renjun finally turned to return to the classroom, he startled when he found Mark standing there, arms folded in front of his chest giving him an odd once over.
“What!?” Renjun’s arms flew up momentarily, and for a moment he contemplated simply pushing past Mark without giving him the courtesy of saying what he so evidently had lying on the tip of his tongue, but Mark didn’t say anything. And while part of Renjun was eternally relieved at Mark turning around to walk ahead into the classroom, another was devastated at his friend having witnessed what he was perhaps struggling to admit to himself, being that he was wounded, terribly so, and now Mark knew.
And Renjun was aware that if Mark knew about something, he would hear of it time and time again.
By the time Friday rolled around, word was out at the entire school about the most anticipated event of the year, possibly in school’s history. Tainted were the whispers during lessons, were the notes that they passed, were the lunch chatter and locker room hollers with the topic of DNYL’s official initiation party, and Renjun was living in the midst of it all.
Renjun arrived at Chenle’s house two hours early to help with preparations, which he was surprised to find out were already taken care of for the most part – Jisung having waggled his magic wand and gotten them discount on a catering service, compliments of a distant cousin, or perhaps a friend of a cousin, Renjun wouldn’t keep track. He left little time to dazzle himself up, resorting to a hint of brown liner and some gel to style his hair up nicely along with a white wide-cut shirt that he loosely tucked into his regular jeans. Soon enough the house was swamped with students, and Renjun made his way through the crowd to find his friends lounging on the stairs, Mark looking like his soul had left his body and Renjun had a suspicious inkling of the cause, additionally judging by the way Chenle and Jisung were dramatically fake fanning whose deadpan guise.
“He’s here, isn’t he,” Renjun pressed his lips into a line, patting his friend’s shoulder sympathetically.
Chenle leaned in. “He’s wearing leather pants. And lipgloss,” He shot a brief, pitiful glance towards Mark. “This one asked him if he’d like a drink although he was already holding one in his hand.”
“Awk,” Jisung supplied, Mark finally moving to run his palms over his face.
“I need to get a drink.”
“I need to get a drink,” Renjun mimicked, trailing the older when he lastly jumped up from his seat to maneuver through the masses towards the kitchen.
He was waiting for Mark to fix himself a rum and coke, when he noticed a pair of eyes unabashedly giving him a once-over, this particular pair of eyes belonging to someone that Renjun had never spotted at school, nor elsewhere. He was handsome, a cocky vibe about him with a few strands of blonde hair lazily hanging into his vision and the rest effortlessly styled up, coyly sitting on the edge of the spacious kitchen counter whilst sipping on a red solo cup. Right in front of him was Renjun’s plan to forget about Jeno for the night.
“Hey,” The stranger nodded in Renjun’s direction. “What’s your poison?”
“Tequila,” Renjun replied. He wasn’t keen on having to wait to be drunk.
The guy jumped from the counter, rounding its corner to fetch a bottle from one of the cabinets. “Spicy,” He said while pouring a shot that Renjun assumed to be his. “I like it.”
“Thanks,” Renjun accepted the glass and promptly downed it, a familiar tingling warmth unfurling in his stomach. “I haven’t seen your face before.”
“Is it a nice one?” Oh, this one oozed smugness out of every nook of his bearing. “Just kidding, I don’t go to your school. Friend brought me along.”
“Where is your friend now?”
“Somewhere. Why? Am I not enough?”
On normal occasion Renjun would’ve been at his nth eyeroll, but he was trying to accomplish something here, whatever that may be, whereas it certainly wasn’t Renjun aggressively shoving any lingering notions of his ex out of his mind with some stereotypical hot white boy rebound. Never.
“Very funny,” Renjun deadpanned, instead.
“I sometimes like to think that I am. My friends also tend to say I’m quite honest, so let me be frank to you,” He took a step towards Renjun, the latter suppressing the urge to mirror and instinctively move back. “You’re very nice to look at.”
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
The boy chuckled, a hand rising to cup at Renjun’s face and Renjun was rather certain that it wasn’t early enough to accredit the sudden nausea rising from the pit of his gut to the one shot he had so far, but he damn sure was going to do it anyway. Practically watching the guy lean in with what appeared to be some newly acquired slow motion vision, Renjun lastly took a small step backwards, prompting the boy’s brows to perk up and give him a look that wasn’t short of puzzlement.
“Did I…?”
“No, no,” Renjun waved his hands apologetically. “It’s not your fault, I’m just. I’m not feeling too well.”
“I mean, to be fair, I was pretty forward,” The other smiled. “But it would be a shame if this is the last impression you have of me, because you’re really cute.”
A faint blush fanned over the highs of Renjun’s cheeks at that and he mustered a smile back. “I’m Renjun.”
“Harvey.” He held out a hand for good measure, Renjun shaking it carefully, yet amicably. “Since I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, how would you feel about giving me your number so we could discuss your terms without any hurry?”
Renjun appreciated the sentiment, he really did, and because he appreciated it so much he promptly whipped out his phone to hand it to the no-longer stranger so he could enter his number, entirely forcing aside the comfortlessness swimming within him that was nonetheless making him inconceivably tense and apologetic. The guy probably just wanted to hook up and now Renjun was forcing him to put up with his prudish moodiness. Great.
Renjun accepted his phone back with a slightly forced, grateful smile, turning towards the exit of the kitchen to find Mark standing there, seemingly having monitored the exchange whilst inconspicuously sipping on his drink, and Renjun thought about how much he was starting to hate his friend being attester to his rapidly accumulating recent moments of weakness. What he almost hated even more was the way that Mark simply spun around to disappear into the buzzing of the crowd wordlessly, which Renjun knew to be saying something considering Mark never just didn’t comment on things. Particularly things of such scandalous nature. Renjun poured himself another shot before heading towards the other room.
It was well past 10 p.m., the party still going at its full peak when shit started going down, so to speak. Renjun was at the very least five more shots deep, his surroundings gradually drifting into a delightful spin. It was in the midst of a game of Kings Cup on Chenle’s living room carpet and of Renjun jovially slumping against some guy next to him, that his gaze wandered to the doorframe, to remain there, locked onto the timid guise entering the premises and a dizzying wrath took over Renjun, so much that it initially had him frozen until he leapt up brusquely to approach the figure with fitful footfalls.
Jeno saw him coming.
“What the fuck is your problem!?”
People turned towards them, even drunk off his ass Renjun could tell that all the attention was on him within an instant, and yet, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Now that might’ve been a side effect of intoxication.
“Renjun, calm down, I don’t–”
“Don’t you fucking dare tell me to calm down when you got the fucking, the fucking nerve to show up here when I told you I don’t want to ever fucking see your cheating ass again! Which, speaking of,” Renjun’s eyes narrowed, arms linking in front of his chest in a defying stance. “Did you not bring your new boyfriend with you today? Seems like this would be the perfect date location, a fun party where you can sneak off into one of the bedrooms and–”
“Renjun!” Jeno cut in at the reference of a shared memory, tone having turned alarmingly hard and brows tugged into a deep, glowering frown. Never had Renjun been on the receiving end of a look like that, especially not from patient angel Lee Jeno, yet his gears were continuously turning by virtue of the fuel pumping through his veins and there didn’t seem to be a stopping his mouth from running on.
“You said he’s a childhood friend, a fucking childhood friend who everyone knows has been dying to suck your dick for fucking ever and you had the audacity to tell me I’m delusional! Me! Delusional! Even after I catch you guys practically cuddling up to each other at Mark’s party, because I trusted you. I trusted you, Jeno!”
Renjun hated it. Hated that he could feel the hot tears starting to gather up at the corners of his eyes again, hated that he couldn’t even perceive the crowd around them anymore, hated that he could faintly hear his best friends mumbling frantic apologies as they hurriedly made their way through it, and he hated that even after all things considered, Renjun couldn’t hate Jeno.
So apparently it had come to the point where the only rational solution appeared to be that he had to make Jeno despise him.
“If you’d only stop and not yell at me every time you see me to calmly let me explain what happened, we wouldn’t be having to carry our conflict out into the open like this. I told myself to give you space, heck, Jaemin was the one who told me to try and keep pushing and to come here tonight to see if I could catch you alone while you’re in a better mood, but–”
“Well boo-fucking-hoo, sorry to disappoint.” Renjun glared at him, wetness blurring his vision as he suddenly started perceiving a light tug on his right arm, then a more forceful tug, and then Renjun was brusquely faced with Mark’s concerned face.
“Renjun, enough.”
“It’s enough when this bumbling buffoon gets into his head that I don’t want him looking for me ever again.”
“That won’t be a problem anymore.”
Renjun turned to look at Jeno, something unreadable playing on the younger’s features as his gaze lingered some place on the marble flooring before it reverted back to Renjun with a grave mien.
“I won’t be chasing you anymore,” He headed towards the door, with one last look back mumbling an inexpressive “Have a good life.” that made Renjun’s gut seethe with all sorts of unresolved emotion, and next thing he knew he was sprinting through the masses to rid the bile that was rising in his pharynx – Mark and Chenle in tow.
“You know you’ll have to talk about it at some point, right?” Mark said, sitting on the edge of the bathtub that they had just chased a straight couple out of while Renjun was puking out the entirety of his body’s contents. Feelings included.
At least that’s what it felt like.
Renjun saw Jeno at school the following week. As much clumsy conviction as Renjun had gathered by the time his train wreck of a weekend was over, that he was fine, just really drunk, and possibly a little bit pressed, still, his heart wouldn’t keep itself from jerking in his chest when he saw Jeno waiting in front of one of his classes, keen to make up for the scene he had caused at the party. Despite his being riddled with bitterness, he knew his behavior to have been out of line, and if not for Jeno’s then for his conscience’s sake he was convinced he had to set the record straight.
Yet when he approached Jeno, pride reluctantly set aside with what was a mere hint of a frown, the younger immediately deadpanned, expression rigid.
“Don’t you worry, I’m done bothering you.”
Renjun was about to retort, when Jaemin skipped out of the classroom behind Renjun, notorious thousand-watt smile plastered onto whose facies.
“Jeno!” Renjun wanted to melt into thin air. “And– Renjun.”
Not wanting to subject himself to the situation for even a second longer, Renjun turned on his heel and skated down the hallway, an ugly, scorching feeling gnawing its way up towards his throat and suddenly he felt like crying all over again but this time he was sober and managed to fight the urge with all his might, the threat of tears spilling gone by the time he reached his next class, yet the feeling ever persistent. He hated Lee Jeno. He hated Jeno, and he hated Jaemin’s dumb, brilliant smile and what it made Jeno do, what it made Jeno do to him. No, this was all Jeno’s fault. It was Jeno’s fault for lying to him about there not being anything between him and Jaemin, about their sleepover, about many more things, probably, and Renjun cursed the day he agreed to be his boyfriend in the first place. Fuck Lee Jeno.
“We need to talk.”
Renjun was sitting at their usual lunch table, waiting for his friends to join him from their classes when a voice which ring was all too familiar to him startled him into one of his earplugs falling out.
“What?”
“We need to talk,” Jaemin repeated, mien earnest and stance uncomfortably intrusive in that typical Na Jaemin manner that made Renjun lean backwards in his seat.
“I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“Well, I have a few things to say to you and you’re going to listen.”
Jaemin slid down into the seat in front of him, Renjun’s expression nothing short of appalled at the action yet nonetheless not finding it in him to protest other than with a menacing glare that the other appeared to effectively discount.
“You need to talk to Jeno.”
“What do you care?”
“Jeno is my friend, I care.”
“Your friend, yeah. I know that much,” Renjun theatrically rolled his eyes sideways, making no attempt to hide his irritation.
“No, not like that. You can’t be acting like this forever. You need to listen to me and you need to fucking start listening to him. You two have been in a relationship for ten months and this is how you treat him? The guy would probably die for you and you wouldn’t even talk to him when he’s been nothing but trying his best to reach through to you because that’s what you do when there’s tension.”
“I’d like to say that this could barely just be considered tension,” Renjun hissed, nonetheless quieting after to let Jaemin continue.
“You’re right. It’s not just tension, it’s madness. Jeno let me stay over that day because my parents are going through some tough times and I needed a friend, someone familiar, who knows how much this would affect me. Next thing I know you’re telling the whole cafeteria that your boyfriend cheated on you, toss a drink at him and walk off to never let anyone explain shit to you. Do you consider that fair?”
The furrow in between Renjun’s brows remained tense and deeply seated, however, he couldn’t keep himself from weighing Jaemin’s words, gaze drifting off, pondering, almost shamefully.
“Ever since that day Jeno has been beating himself up like crazy, he was going to go to your house but I told him the drive isn’t worth getting the door slammed in his face so he should wait till the next day to go after you, but God did I underestimate what a fucking diehard you are. I know I haven’t always been a fair player when it came to your relationship,” Renjun’s eyes returned to Jaemin to shoot him a glare that was the physical manifestation of an incredulous oh really? “But this isn’t about me. Frankly, I’m over playing these childish games and you need to grow the fuck up. The reason I’m not going after him this very moment is because the dude loves you, God knows why, and I know there’d be no point in chasing a man who’s got eyes for another person. Dude, he’s got your whole future planned out! God’s sake, you need to fucking step up.”
Renjun muted for a few, heavy-weighing moments before raising his voice in a mere rueful mumble. “I can’t.”
Jaemin grimaced. “What do you mean you can’t? Do you not love him?”
Renjun kept silent. How was he supposed to tell Jaemin out of all people that what he was being eaten up by was the profound, retching feeling of shame, that the desperate feeling of wanting nothing more than to cling onto his pride was conflicting with the inexorable reality that Jeno had a grasp on him, on his heart, his emotions, it was a daunting thought to Renjun that the minutest of hunches regarding his boyfriend could evoke such explosive behavior on his end. Frankly, Renjun had never stopped being scared. Paranoid that he might be too attached, too emotionally invested that it’d eventually end up getting him so hurt that he’d simply stop subsisting, the apprehension and constant reminders whenever he witnessed his boyfriend being flirted with gnawing at his insides uncomfortably, like a time bomb threatening to go off any day and it just so happened that his fears have yielded fruit in the form of Jaemin.
He didn’t know how to tell Jaemin all that. He couldn’t bear to speak it out loud to begin with. “You don’t understand.”
Jaemin momentarily rolled back his head to heave out a bitter laugh. “Oh, I do understand now.”
With that Jaemin promptly pushed himself up with the table top, abandoning Renjun with a vacant expression on his face and subjected to his deafeningly disquiet thoughts.
Two DNYL club meetings go by before Renjun decided to speak to Mark.
What had initially felt so empowering and liberating, had turned into a painstakingly languid process of attempting to have the next event accommodate every person in the room since Chenle’s parents were to stay in the city for a little while, queries on when the next party was to happen flooding Renjun’s ears on almost a daily basis at that point, little consideration for the fact that he himself was yet to recover from the fiasco of the first one. DNYL was what he initially wanted it to be – a monster that sprouted with vitality and refused to cave and let him sit out and breathe, but he supposed that he had chosen this himself and he once more cursed his impulsivity for putting him in situations like these.
“…and then I told him to go fuck himself, because my body is not for him to take whenever its convenient for him and it certainly isn’t doesn’t serve as his revenge rebound.”
The girl finished off the last confession of the day, the round animatedly hollering and Chenle clapping along excitedly before raising his voice above them with ease. “Ok guys, the next event is in planning so keep your ears and eyes out for the notice! I’ll see you next time!”
He flashed everyone who passed him in exit a jubilant grin. Renjun appreciated Chenle. He really did, Chenle and his relentless enthusiasm for high school politics and social gatherings and his never-depleting radiant smiles. Renjun had been sitting on the sidelines for the entirety of the gathering, slumped forward against the backing of a chair with his arms folded atop to rest his head in, his energy levels dull in comparison to Chenle’s persisting sprouting nature. Yeah, thank God for Chenle.
“Renjun.”
Renjun startled out of his train of thought, swiftly scanning the room to discern that it had become entirely devoid of people save Mark and Chenle, who was waiting by the door.
This seemed to be happening a lot lately. Him not being able to stay grounded in his surroundings, adrift in thoughts. Mark gave him a concerned look.
“Chenle, you go ahead,” He said, turning towards the younger who countered with a brief nod before exiting into the hallway, trailing the echo of the moving crowd.
Usually, even if merely out of reflex, Renjun would shoot his friend a glare at the prospect of what he was about to do, but frankly, Renjun was tired. Tired and perhaps waiting for a chance to catch Mark alone and through some weird best friend telepathy, Mark had heard him and he pulled out a chair to sit down facing the younger, expression wearing something warm, something familiar and trustworthy which almost sufficed already in making Renjun tear up, but only almost. Maybe this was what Jaemin meant.
“What is it?”
Renjun didn’t realize that he had been staring at his friend the whole time, not uttering a single word since the latter had sat down. Time was a weird concept, he thought, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to keep track of how much of it was passing as they sat there in silence.
“Mark,” Renjun rasped out, immediately feeling the tears prick at his eyes. “I think I fucked up.”
Mark was quick to reach forward to grasp Renjun’s hand, eyebrows tugging into a careworn frown as he squeezed it lightly, his silence prompting Renjun to continue.
“I was so scared he would do this to me one day that when Jisung told me I didn’t even question it. I didn’t question it, almost as if I anticipated it would happen. I didn’t know how, I just, I started seeing red, I felt so hurt, and then, just like that everything was over and it shocked me how fast it happened. As if it was always meant to happen anyway. Even being with Jeno, I just can’t help but feel like he deserves so much better? Like, look how I’ve been treating him now, I’m such a shit boyfriend, I can’t even look at him.”
Renjun buried his face in his arms momentarily to subdue a sob threatening to jolt out of his body. Never had he felt so pathetic, and while he knew Mark wouldn’t ever find it in him to judge Renjun, or anyone, simply because of the kind of person he was, Renjun couldn’t help but feel such a profound feeling of shame bubbling in the pit of his stomach. It made him feel sick. He made himself feel sick.
“Renjun, listen to me,” Renjun couldn’t bear to look at his friend full on, so he kept half his face hidden in the crook of his arm. “I’m not going to lie to you, I kind of had a feeling there was a bit more to it the whole time, but I didn’t bring it up because I trusted that you would eventually figure it out yourself. Because you’re smart like that. Your emotions are so strong that it frankly scares me sometimes, but that also means you deal with them, in your own way. You don’t keep things inside, that’s just not you. And maybe trying so hard to keep things inside, being something that you aren’t, is exactly what has brought this upon your relationship. You need to start telling him what’s bothering you, Renjun. Shutting him out is not going to make you happy, nor is it going to help Jeno try to keep up with you. He’s not a bad guy, you know. At least not from what I’ve seen.”
Mark stilled, and Renjun could feel his friend’s eyes on him so he finally decided to look up.
“You cursed him too.”
“Because you’re my friend and also I fear the wrath of your tiny fists,” Mark chuckled, and Renjun couldn’t help but go along. “Besides, I knew you’d figure it out. As suspicious as I was of Jeno since that day at my party, I also need to respect how diligently he cleaned up after himself. He even came to me after to ask for advice.”
Renjun’s ears perked up at that. “He did?”
“Yeah. He asked what he should do to make it up to you, and told me how scared he was of losing you. I might not be the best judge of character here, but he seemed very sincere to me at the time.” Mark smiled and Renjun’s gaze wandered off again, contemplating. “I made sure to give him hell though, everyone knew Jaemin was out to destroy you two so I wasn’t going to just give him a free pass for being oblivious. Not cool.”
“Not cool,” Renjun mimicked, the hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Thank you, Mark,” He rubbed his eyes with the hem of his longsleeve. “For being my friend.”
Mark snorted. “Nothing to thank me for. But to repay me you could maybe help me figure out what my first text to Donghyuck should be.”
Renjun’s mouth flew slightly open in awe. “You mean you got…?”
“At the party, yeah. He gave it to me,” A wide grin spread over his features, the highs of his already pronounced cheeks pulling up all the more. “Alcohol really does wonders.”
“Oh my God. Our baby is growing up.”
Mark gave his elbow a light push. “Hey!”
They spent the next hour or so formulating what would be Mark’s ultimate wooing strategy.
Renjun didn’t know what came over him when he found himself at Jeno’s front door on a lukewarm Sunday evening, but it probably had to do with him lying in his bed and staring at the ceiling of his room for what felt like hours without being able to rid the insistent urge to just do something to make him stop feeling the way he did. His impulsivity evidently served many purposes. He had vaguely prepared what might be a good apology speech on the bus ride there, passionate speeches always sort of having been a strong forte of his when yet he couldn’t help but feel completely stranded going into this regardless.
Jeno wasn’t a crowd of impressionable, rowdy youths who were keen on the persuasion that Renjun had so triumphantly supplied. Jeno was Jeno.
Renjun almost swallowed his tongue upon watching Jeno’s expression flash from a mien of surprise to one of visible aggravation, then to one of not nearly as concerning tired annoyance.
“What do you want?”
Renjun swallowed, gaze dropping onto the tips of his feet, however, forcing himself to look the other in the face before he spoke. “I need– I need to apologize to you.”
He didn’t miss the action of Jeno’s eyes narrowing just the slightest. “You need to or you want to?”
“Both.” He bit his lip, briefly weighing his words before sending them out. “I shouldn’t have acted the way I did, at the party. Or at the cafeteria that day. I was so– You didn’t deserve to be treated that way,” His fists balled tightly and his stomach churned, struggling to keep his eyes ahead as he pushed on. “I was always so…scared you’d just walk out on me one day, I couldn’t think when I heard. My mind went blank and all I could see was what I had already painted out for myself for the past few months and I just. I hurt you,” He looked at Jeno, really looked at him and his dark eyes that were so unusually hard, but still so warm and familiar. He thought he definitely knew what Jaemin meant. “I’m sorry, Jeno.”
A silence hung upon them for the next few moments, Renjun looking at Jeno, and Jeno looking back with an unreadable gaze that frankly made Renjun feel like there was a trap door in the floor beneath his feet that was going to open up and swallow him next thing he knew. It was weird being on the other side like this. Usually when Renjun came over, he didn’t perceive what now felt like a physical threshold, a barrier to keep him out of the house that had become like a second home to him. He wished he had calculated the losses beforehand, the many tokens of familiarity and comfort that had been an essential part of his everyday life that were now pushed onto the other side of a wall that he had built himself, all by virtue of his irrational fear of losing them in the first place. Yet despite the memories of Jeno’s mom bringing them lemonade while they studied together, of climbing on the roof at night to test what it would feel like to be a romantic movie cliché, of drawing random objects in Jeno’s room while Jeno was still fast asleep to pass the time, of Jeno kissing the top of Renjun’s head when he could tell Renjun was trying to seem like he wasn’t upset about something – on top of all, Renjun missed Jeno. Whether or not those memories could be salvaged or not wasn’t a priority, not really, so he kept his eyes locked on the other, watching his features move in all the ways that were familiar and reminded Renjun that he knew Jeno and reminded him that he didn’t have to know Jaemin to ascertain what Jeno would do.
“You need to learn to fucking listen, Injoon,” Was what Jeno finally said, Renjun’s eyes faintly flickering with newfound hope. “You especially need to listen when I tell you to talk to me about what’s going through your head. You always seem to wage a war inside and whenever something happens I have to be scared it’ll just,” He gestured with his hands. “Hit everything around you and then no one can get through to you anymore. I should’ve told you that Jaemin is staying over the night before, I realize that, but you were already asleep and I would’ve explained to you when I saw you at school the next day before you’d even have to say a thing and that would’ve been the end of it! It’s so baffling to me how you can blow up without the slightest warning I just. I wish you would’ve told me, Injoon.”
Renjun watched the exasperation on Jeno’s face, glassy eyed and at a lack of a response that’d feel appropriate. So he just said “Sorry,” once more, taken aback by how it came out as a mere whisper.
Jeno took a step back. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”
A panic took over Renjun at the prospect of Jeno disappearing through the door again, and it incipiently urged him to follow in step, however, he checked himself the instant after and ascertained that he had to give Jeno space, so he remained put.
“I’m really sorry, Jeno.” He reiterated once more, the sound of it akin to a goodbye this time and Jeno nodded, tight-lipped, lastly stepping inside and closing the door behind him. Despite him having received what felt like the worst telling-off of his life, Renjun felt an odd sense of calm wash over him as he stood on Jeno’s doorstep. The notion of actually losing him was a bitter sting, but less bitter than doing so by his initial assumption which would’ve permanently tarnished Jeno’s image in his mind along with it all the happy memories they had shared before this fiasco went down. Jeno was still Jeno, with or without him, and the reassurance that it would forever remain that way made a warmth bloom within the very midst of his core.
But while that contentedness in itself was a pleasant surprise, he was also sad. Incredibly and seemingly irremediably sad, as he ultimately turned around to find his way back to the bus stop.
Word about the next DNYL party traveled double the velocity than the first time around, their reputation having received a significant boost after their initial success and Chenle and Jisung extended their notorious party planning services to found an entire committee that took charge of various aspects of the preparation process, Renjun watching from the sidelines as the two sternly ordered around a small crowd of underlings as if they were born to do so. He was only half paying attention, frequently zoning out and shifting his focus from the street outside Chenle’s window to the many objects being hauled into the house. Chenle had pretty much taken charge of DNYL at that point, but Renjun liked to at least provide the courtesy of being present and somewhat showing his support in light of the fact that it was initially his idea and Chenle was helping him take the rap without so much as a complaint, let alone that it was either this or spending the afternoon in his room all by himself feeling void, when yet healing. But void nonetheless.
Part of healing involved making himself feel good, and with that spirit Renjun had decided to indulge in some minor preparation for tonight as well. He had borrowed a black blouse from his older brother, who was happy to assist Renjun if it forced the younger abandon his room for a little while and in addition, he also offered to do Renjun’s make-up which he was initially going to skip on because temperatures were starting to raise to inhumane levels of heat, but Sicheng insisted that he at least take the highlight to Chenle’s place so he could apply it himself when the threat of it melting off his face upon applying was effectively gone.
Renjun kept his promise and dabbed some of it onto his nose and the highs of his cheeks when the time for finishing touches came, already having applied a hint of lip tint and dark red liner ahead and he checked himself out in the body mirror situated in Chenle’s spacious top story bedroom, a fleeting boost of confidence conjuring a weak smile onto his facies before he perceived a faint knock on the door.
“Renjun, Chenle asking for you.”
Renjun brusquely swung the door open, startling his friend into jolting backwards, Mark’s eyes promptly widening upon getting a proper glimpse of his face and stilling for a moment before gradually raising both his thumbs in approval, a broad smile tugging at his equally handsome features that automatically compelled Renjun to mirror, when yet not without a blatant hint of bashfulness.
“Thanks,” Was all he managed to mutter before he scooted past Mark and into the hallway to the stairs, eyes scanning the vast entrance area for a platinum head of hair. Some people had already started to befall the premises with their uproarious chatter, Renjun spotting Chenle amidst a round of his committee members holding what appeared to be an attempt at spirit uplifting hazing, and suddenly Renjun wasn’t sure if he was so keen on complying with Chenle’s calling upon his presence, promptly settling on taking a quick roundabout detour to the kitchen to make himself a drink.
The buzz within the house grew rowdier by the minute it seemed, Renjun sipping on his second Malibu sunrise mixture by the second hour and occasionally pushing himself to interact with the one or other familiar face if just for the sake of not holing himself up in some corner out of what may look like self-pity from the outside, but really manifested in the sudden realization that he wasn’t particularly in a party mood. He wasn’t mourning anymore, by no means, while Jeno still occupied a prominent fraction of his mind Renjun had started to find significant benefits in the solitude his being single provided, particularly in terms of addressing his emotions that used to be so overwhelming he found there was no healthy outlet to effectively translate and study them, until it became gradually more perspicuous to him how it was impossible to rush these sorts of matters. Spending grand amounts of quality time with his friends was also a major contributor to his process of acquiring insightfulness, and he periodically attempted to express his gratitude, if not explicitly then with the act of further opening himself up to their advice, so much that at moments he almost found himself grateful for how things had turned out, yet only almost, and only scarcely.
He still really missed Jeno.
“Hey Renjun,” Renjun startled at the sound of the familiar voice, and he shocked himself once more by not countering the greeting with a vitriolic remark.
“Hi Jaemin.” He mustered the hint of a smile, which the younger returned. He suppressed the urge to question whether the boy had come alone.
“Heard what you did,” Renjun bit his lip at the notion who from, but his demeanor towards the younger didn’t budge, at least not visibly. “Glad you did it. T’was really mature.”
“Thank you, Jaemin.”
“I also have something to tell you,” Jaemin’s head whipped around to look behind him briefly, face pulled into what Renjun interpreted as a bewildered grimace when he faced towards him again. “Well, not me. There’s some guy waiting on the terrace asking for you. Looks greasy.”
Renjun froze momentarily, an almost forgotten face with green eyes and blonde hair whose messages he had been actively ignoring popping back into his mind.
Oh boy.
“Ah, not sure if I should–”
“He sounded like it was urgent.”
Renjun’s brow perked up in confusion at that, struggling for a plausible basis for this guy to inquire his attention so suddenly. If his memory didn’t delude him, he had a somewhat clear image of giving away his number. Perhaps he had lost it, or been too drunk to remember receiving it in the first place.
“Alright, I guess,” He bid Jaemin goodbye with a brief nod and an amicable “See you around.”
Renjun smoothly maneuvered his way through the sea of people, preliminarily crafting a careful string of excuses before ultimately setting on simply telling the truth, if not for the sake of respecting the guy’s pride considering he had been nothing short of courteous towards him, then at the very least in celebration of the steady path of self-growth Renjun had recently embarked on in light of recent events. He climbed the stairs to the second floor, finding it to be considerably more quiet which initially struck him with a rapidly growing sense of anxiety, because what if it turned out the dude wasn’t as friendly as he initially anticipated, involuntarily taking into account that he was literally about to deliver news of practically having intended to use him to get over his ex-boyfriend, but he attempted to shove that notion away, finding a bit of relief in the spotting of a group of people playing truth or dare in one of the upstairs guest rooms.
Renjun’s heart pounded heavily in his ears for some reason, breath reaching abrupt deadlock in his throat when he finally slid open the glass door and slipped outside at the very last, a brisk breeze sending a chill down his spine and he halted.
On the empty terrace of Chenle’s million dollar mansion sat Jeno, propped against the railing in a sort of boyish manner and Renjun’s first thought was of course, and obviously Jaemin’s acting skills were nothing short of disgustingly brilliant. But that didn’t linger.
What lingered was the look that Jeno shot him upon his registering Renjun’s presence, a permeating, yet soothing sentiment swimming in those brown orbs and for a while it effectively eliminated any remnant feelings of unease.
“Hey,” Jeno started, voice light.
“Hi,” Renjun responded, taking a cautious step forward as if to test whether Jeno would budge. He didn’t. “Why did you ask to see me?”
Jeno patted the spot next to him, and Renjun felt relief, having to remind himself that he couldn’t just ease himself into that spring of emotion. He slid onto the floor next to the other. Moments passed, then minutes, and Renjun weighted the possibility of them sitting there, eyes lost in the barely visible sprinkle of stars in utter silence being all that was to transpire, and somehow he found contentment in that. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about his mouth running in all sorts of uncharted directions, and luckily once the time came around, Jeno took the courtesy of setting the direction for him like ever so often.
“You really pulled something off here, huh.”
“What?” Renjun’s head turned towards the younger.
“DNYL. A lot of people seem to speak very highly of your club.”
Renjun wanted to snort. “It’s not really…my club.”
Jeno looked at him quizzically. “Not? But–”
“I founded it, yes. But I didn’t make it what it is, that’s all Chenle’s doing. They have him to thank. My motivations for making it were…”
He stilled.
“Were what?” Jeno appeared genuinely curious.
“I was trying to spite you.”
Renjun’s eyes dropped to the flooring and he pulled his knees towards his chest, arms laxly resting atop. He didn’t want to see the expression on Jeno’s face, not if he wanted to clear the slate and get it all out there before he’d cave at what a horrible person he had been.
“I thought that if I made a successful club with the sole purpose of spiting love and relationships, you’d somehow find out about it and get. I don’t know. Agitated? Annoyed? Not that that’s something you’d actually do. I just needed something to shove into your face for what you did, or, what I thought you did, as if that’d magically fill the hole inside of me. As much as Chenle spoke in favor of making this some dumb big cliché vigilante high school club, I think he was the one who really turned it into something that people look forward to attending. He somehow flipped my negative intentions around and created something uplifting. I could never be leader – not after what I pulled at the last party. Not after what I did to you. I humiliated you and myself and I didn’t even care because I was so blinded with hate. And Jaemin,” His bottom lip caught in between his teeth for a brief instant. “Without him it would’ve taken me forever to snap out of it.”
Renjun turned to Jeno finally, momentarily startled when he discovered the younger was looking at him for what appeared to be the entire duration of him talking. Another moment of silence passed between them, Renjun struggling to decrypt whatever was running through Jeno’s head as his expression was captured by a steady sense of serenity that made Renjun all the more perplexed. Was he to get up and leave? Was he to wait until Jeno would tell him to? Did the younger actually have anything to say to him at all?
Jeno exhaled, Renjun catching the movement in the peripheral of his eyes as they remained glued to the flooring.
“I appreciate the explanation,” Jeno said, calmly. “I kind of assumed after what happened that first time.” Something in Renjun’s chest twisted at the memory. “But I should probably tell you that the only reason I went in the first place is because I thought I’d get some advice on how to deal with heartbreak.”
Renjun turned to look at him, puzzled at that statement. “You what?”
“I told you I didn’t know the club was your idea. None of the posters said, and Jaemin convinced me it was a good idea after I– Well. Yeah.” He hemmed lightly, the look on his face flashing with hints of abashment that Renjun was extremely glad he caught. “Jaemin was a really good friend these past weeks. You should give him a chance.”
“Figured,” Renjun quipped, and Jeno smiled a beautiful smile, the first one Renjun had seen in what felt like forever.
“As much as I wanted to be mad at you for not letting me speak to you I was just so. So desperate? I knew that once you’d hear the full story it’d all be water under the bridge but it just, I just couldn’t reach you at all and really, that was the thing that made me so incredibly frustrated in the end. I missed you, Injoon.”
“I’m sorry, Jeno.” Renjun looked at him, earnestly. Jeno’s gaze locked with his.
“I’m sorry too.”
The next instant Renjun found Jeno’s lips slotted onto his, and he immediately sighed into the kiss. They heavily made out for a desperate few minutes, blissfully carefree of whoever saw them and after a while Jeno leaned back to cup Renjun’s face, head limply slumping against Renjun’s shoulder, out of breath and with a smile on his face and instantaneously Renjun’s insides bloomed with the overwhelming feeling of affection.
“You’ll be the death of me.”
Renjun found it to be almost funny how quickly everything was over.
“DNYL – a place where people find love within themselves to potentially find it with someone else on the way!”
Chenle plopped his backpack on the seat next to Renjun, the older practically hearing the grin in whose blustering tone.
“Keep it down, won’t you?”
“Wow, you sound uptight for someone who has gotten laid for the first time in weeks.” Renjun shot a lethal glare at his younger friend, Chenle stopping his motion of slipping into the nearby seat and instead scooting towards the one further away from the other. He theatrically mimicked karate motions which Renjun countered with a roll of his eyes.
“But sounds cheery, no? DNYL but with a positive twist. Hate to break it to you, but the whole heartbroken crybaby cliché is starting to become kind of outdated and who knows better what the teens really want besides moí,” He pointed both thumbs at himself, Renjun having settled on entirely dismissing Chenle’s subsistence for the rest of lunch break. Mark snickered.
“At least there will finally be an end to the daily earful about Mark not being able to talk to his crush without getting soaked in sweat,” The amused expression on Mark’s face immediately twisted to one of indignation. “What! Did you in all seriousness think you’d be spared, my eyes and ears cover every ground, Mr. Lee!”
Renjun’s ears perked up at that, eyes shooting towards his other best friend. “Excuse me what?”
“Our Markington scored himself a date yesterday,” Chenle followed up his statement with a diabolical chuckle, Mark’s cheeks tinting. “Another case to back up the new brand. I’m telling you guys, you’ll make me rich!”
“But you don’t get any money…?”
“Rich in votes when I run for student president. Think big, boys.”
With that Jisung appeared at their table, and with him two others. Renjun smiled.
Jeno slipped into the seat in between Renjun and Chenle, Jaemin next to Mark and Jisung opposite of Chenle. Jeno brushed his lips against Renjun’s cheek in a brief, yet affectionate peck in greeting and the two youngest grimaced.
“Actually let me go back to the time when Renjun permanently swore off love.” Renjun’s eyes shot daggers at Chenle for what seemed like the millionth time that day. “Too soon?”
Jeno chuckled and Renjun could feel the younger sneak his hand towards his under the table, Renjun taking the liberty of intertwining their fingers.
Maybe he could stand Chenle’s relentless quips and devious smiles, and perhaps he even found delight in their existence. At least it seemed all too effortless to do so when Jeno squeezed his hand like that.
Like it was the most natural thing in the world.