Do you love me now?

[do-youlovemenow]

I think i could safely be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I have such all consuming panic sometimes and then a general constant anxiety. 

what I'm realising about it though is that how ever rational my fears feel and how ever serious the threat feels to me it is 95% in my own head.

but also I'm not alone, I'm to on some crazy little island all by myself with everyone looking at me like what her problem? why can't you get your shit together? 

there is a ton of other people, people who i really admire and are doing amazing things with their lives who are dealing with similar fears. 

Its a crazy relief to not feel alone. 

Bu also to realise that i need to keep moving forward and i don't want to let anxiety win.

[do-youlovemenow]

day 1 big fear putting things in perspective

I am terrified of AI. Like actually fighting paid attacks all day because my brother decided to tell my grandmothers about drones over lunch. But this huge consuming fear is putting things in perspective for me. If we only have something like 5-10 more years on this earth before we have o start fighting a war on robots and everything goes to hell why i am i wasting that time worrying about my weight? There is nothing I can do about people building smarter and smarter robots or building robots that can learn and build themselves. the way we are going we are going to be replaced as the dominate species on this planet in my lifetime and goddamn does that terrify me.

My fears are not only giving me perspective on how i am living my life but also of other people who live in fear. People who hate america cause it has so uch power and they don't know what we will do, preppers who are afraid of different end of the world scenarios, religious types of all kinds who hate and damn everyone who believes something different and people who fear and hate the government for its power. For what feels like the first time in my life I have understanding and compassion for these people. I have no proof that robots will turn on us and replace us but I fear them anyway, I fear there future power and how unknown and limitless they seem to be and i can diffidently feel how this level of fear could drive people to do crazy things if they believed it would stop the things they fear or destroy the unknown.

But I realize I am powerless to stop progress, this is the way the future is going and prepping for it or trying to fight it is just going to cause my fears to consume me even more. so this leads me to my the other bit of perspective i have gained on myself.

My time is limited and i better get the most out of it before everything goes to hell. Fuck worrying about how good of a writer I am, if I want to write i'm gong to write, fuck worrying about how well i draw, if I want to draw i should draw. fuck worrying about something bad happening when i travel, or people thinking i look silly when i dance or being to fat to do the active things i want to do or wear the clothes i want to.

I am 25 years old and if I only have till I'm 30 to do what i want then i better start doing and stop being afraid of the little things. If the robots are coming being afraid of looking stupid is a waste of time.    

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 1 take 3 and so much fear

So day 1 again,

I am terrified today. Terrified about the future and robots, about all the racist craziness and cops getting shot, about the issues going on for my family right now, that i'll wake up broke tomorrow due to more craziness, that i'll never get my room unpacked, dying on a roller coaster, dying before i do something worthwhile, dying, getting eaten by bears/sharks/cannibals, getting shot, more dying. Just lots and lots of fear. 

Not sure what to do with any of that but proud that i am admitting it. Like thats a big step forward. 

So trying to feel my fear even though i just want to run and hide from it and get angry at everything else. Instead I'm trying to accept it. I can see so much more clearly now how being scared makes you angry cause i have been so snappy and angry at everyone and I'm just trying to cover up how scared I am. What an amazing experience to really get to feel all of that.

so still scared and feeling kinda shitty cause oof it but kinda keep trying not to take action from this place of fear and instead work towards accepting the fears. 

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 2 Thanks universe

Today I had a great opportunity to forgive myself. I wanted to go out and explore the city right after i had a massage. I ended up reading and watching youtube the fucking around with my makeup and dint make it out till much later. I was pretty annoyed at myself. Me and a friend were talking about forgiving ourselves and he pointed out to me that this was an opportunity to do just that. Thanks universe! He also told me that if i had come out earlier i would have found Prague crazy crowded and probably wouldn't have had much fun. 

Also had a chance to make a deeper better connection with a new friend. we chatted i was honest and vulnerable and I listened. I learned so much from him and really enjoyed our conversation so again thanks universe. 

While exploring i realised i was feeling super tense and stressed out. I wanted to see certain things and experience certain things and thats not what was happening. I looked around and realised how amazing this situation was. I was standing in the middle of a christmas market in the old city in Prague drinking mead. I reminded myself I had no control over what was going to happen but It was much choice to enjoy whatever was coming my way. After that i met up with my friend and ended up having a really really good night. 

Thanks universe!

also realised how bad a sister i have been and that i can forgive myself for that. 

and 

that i really admire how capable normal people are. people are amazing, the way they get jobs and pay bills and go places on buses. I want to be just like that when i grow up. 

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 1 Begin Again

Doing this posts and being in the awareness is hard. Maybe intense is a better word. It just takes lots of effort and honesty and I guess it kind of got away from me. But thats okay! I learned something from this (as I always do ) That working on myself is surprise work! and like with any work out routine I have to expect some soreness and resistance. But also like with working out I need to do in consistently for longterm results. Little bits here and there are better then nothing but to see real change I need to be consistent. I also need to respect the work I am doing and give myself extra compassion and support when i am struggling. Like taking a hot bath or gutting a massage after a workout to relax sore muscles, i need to do similar things for my mind/soul/spirit (actually a hot bath or massage would be great for my spirit :) ) it's all about being kind and compassionate to myself in everything i do.  

So I am starting this again and every time I completely miss a day I will start over.  

It's going to be a great journey!

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 14

two thoughts 

one, things happen when we are ready for them. Im currently reading a love story. Two people that have been friends for a long time and pining after each other and are now finally starting to get there shit together. I love and hate these kinds of stories, I'm always frustrated by the characters not getting there shit together sooner and want to get to the "good" part where they are in love and everyone is happy. But i had a realisation. It's not just about the good part. These characters like real people have struggled and are still processing those struggles, they weren't ready to be in a relationship. It takes time and growth to want to share your life with someone and it shows talent and insight on the writers part to recognise and portray that in her characters.  SO no jumping ahead to the "good" part , I need to give myself the time to process through things and maybe even learn how to enjoy that time too. which leads me to my second thought 

I need to give up on what i think my life should be like. It's the whole good part idea. my idea of the good part is where i want to be and every second i am not there is failure which makes me angry and sad and defeated feeling. Then i punish myself for being a failure and then I'm failing even more cause while I'm in punishment I'm obviously not in the good part. 

So this is a good realisation and all but i still feel shitty today. I'm trying to just be in touch with that. There may even be some tears. Today i just feel hopeless like okay i recognize this but what can i do about it? Cause i haven't done anything about it yet so there for i never will cause thats how my crazy brain works. I'm trying not to obsess over the fixing but for right now to just feel it. It feels shitty. I feel like a failure and today i feel defeated and like this won't get better and why am i even here. I'm closer to my depression then i have been in a long time and that scares me. I feel useless and shitty and hopeless and scared! like really fucking scared! like this is it this is how i am going to be for life! and I don't want to accept it. 

but thinking about accepting it, just being okay with me, even like this. that actually feels better, its kind of amazing. Loving me even when I'm like this at my most pathetic? thats a revolutionary idea, Liking myself when i want to binge on food and hide in my room and avoid school and life and everything? wow. wow. 

So i guess thats what i'll hold onto tonight. letting myself feel shitty and fucking terrified and maybe hiding in my room and eating a pint of ice cream. Then telling myself its okay, i still love you and whatever you want to  do to make yourself feel better i'll love you, no forgiveness needed cause i'm doing anything wrong, it's all okay. I love you. Even when you feel the most unlovable I love you unconditionally. 

[papishanpoo-deactivated20150504]

As a college student you’re either struggling academically, financially, or emotionally. Or all three.

[do-youlovemenow]

I'll take 1 and 3 for the win 

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 13

I think something to ficus on is accepting and being thankful for all my emotions. I have a hard time accepting and feeling my feelings. I only want to feel the way I think I should feel which generally mean happy. But by not accepting and allowing my other emotions to happen in cutting myself off from really experiencing huge chunks of my life. It's so important to learn to feel and even enjoy all the emotions that's what adds color and depth to experiences. So that's what I'm working on being aware of. Feeling all the feels good bad and other. Not trying to change any of them but just accepting and being thankful for whatever I feel and the lessons it has to teach me.

[do-youlovemenow]

today i feel broken and trapped. I want someone to fix me and i want to be better tomorrow.

[do-youlovemenow]

day 12 resurfacing

Sooooooooo 

I have been in punishment mode all week. Just complete shut down, hibernation, do nothing mode. Day where all i can say is well at least I showered.

it feels so massively shity. These are the days where I ask myself why do I even exist? could i be a more of a waste of space?

ugh this is going to be hard to write and i want to go do somethings... to be continued   

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 11

A thought for today was looking at myself and the way i look and not being disgusted but it. I will get there. I'm closer today then i was yesterday. 

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 10 acceptance

I'm not sure what to write today. I know what I've had on my mind.

Acceptance, Punishment, Connection

so I guess some thoughts on each.

Acceptance means accepting how i am right now. Loving myself just the way I am with no caveat that I will love myself more later. I was going to say this is fucking difficult but as I have found that supremely unhelpful in the past I am going to instead rephrase it as an ongoing process. Everyday I can learn to love and accept myself a little more. Wether thats focusing on taking care of myself instead of punishing myself or paying attention when people piss me off (like the couple next to me at dinner tonight) and figure out what about them annoys me and why? The why is always something I dislike about myself that i see in them. So then i take a moment to acknowledge that thing and accept it as part of me and thank the people for showing me what I am having trouble accepting right now. But i guess with all this I can really look at acceptance not so much as something to improve at but as something I can give more of to myself everyday. 

Punishment is the enemy of self love. I do it a lot. Right now my biggest punishments are starving myself and then binging. Isolating myself and not going to school. I think fear falls under this a lot took. or at least i think it is also something i use as a weapon against myself.

Connection is super important! not just with other people but even more importantly with myself! but again an ongoing process something i can find new ways to do with myself everyday.

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 9 is quick

Quick thoughts for today cause tired. 

forgiveness for myself is super important 

I need to keep reminding myself that the struggle is NOT real. It's something i can create.

Things are as easy as I make them. Like meeting people, if i believe it to be easy then it will be.

letting go of my first beliefs of who i am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be with is gonna be super important for me to move forward.

going to thailand is gonna be the next step to help me expand out of my comfort zone and into the person i am meant to be. 

Need to love and support myself in all my endeavours 

Most still put effort into my life, things aren't just going to fall into my lap but that does't mean things have to be terrible and hard. effort can be easy and natural and enjoyable. 

[do-youlovemenow]

Day 8 is very late

Went out last night blacked out at the end of my night. Feeling very upset right now.

[abominablesnowpig]

Starting

So I discover Headspace several months ago. It’s a really well designed website/app of guided mediations. The idea it to help get you into a daily meditation practice. I really liked it and did the first one that pretty much forgot about it. 

I started it up again two days ago and am really enjoying the experience. I highly recommend checking it out even if its just for the design and aesthetics which are worth a look. But if you’ve ever been interested in meditation or just taking ten minutes to yourself this is a great simple way to start.

[do-youlovemenow]

Doing things well

I made a dress today. It turned out really well and I like it and everyone I think that this voice that sounds like my mom tells me to stop being conceited. It points out everything wrong with it and how even if I made one dress that's the only thing I will ever design and how far I even contemplate being a fashion designer. I'd need to learn so much and it's such a hard industry and who am I kidding that I could ever be that creative. That voice can go fuck it self. I made a dress today and I like it and I'm proud of it and I'm going to make more.

[thegameswelove]

[do-youlovemenow]

P.K. Subban is a BAD MAN!.. coming out of the penalty box Subban gets the puck and loses (Daniel) Briere, and then goes after Avs goaltender Calvin Pickard with a filthy deke for the goal. Then celebrates the only way we know P.K. can.