Bleeding Heart
As the knot harden its grip around my guts.
I can’t help but wonder what could’ve been.
Would I be happier?
Would my sorrows and regrets be gone?
Would the days look brighter?
But there isn’t a way to change the past.
All I can do now is accept my decision.
Enduring the painful grasp you have.
The straining stabs that won’t heal.
My lingering emptiness that makes the void even deeper.
“Why didn’t I realize it sooner?”
That sentence whispers ever so quietly and yet so overbearingly heavy.
The sun shine beams joy and hope.
So why do I only see gloom and dread?
“I always overthink. I will get over it at some point.”
I know I will as long as I can force myself to keep on moving.
However, there will always be the thought of what it could’ve been like.
To feel happy.
To feel connected.
To feel wanted.
To feel loved.
Even if it didn’t work out, I would have at least known you were happier than before.
You see, I would’ve given up all these feelings and destroyed myself.
I would have clung onto sadness.
Drowned myself into loneliness.
Get beaten by agony and hatred.
Bathed in the tears of sorrow.
Just so I can see you smile.
I would have given up my entire future and lived a life of being hated and judged.
I only wanted to make sure you got the life you truly deserve.
But, I was too weak and cowardly.
I couldn’t see it because I gouged out my own eyes.
I was afraid to feel rejected and unwanted.
I didn’t want to take the chance of being there just because I was afraid of not being wanted by you.
Now I bleed out my heart alone with no purpose.
A meaningless effort.
But yet, I can’t help it.
I wasn’t brave enough.
So my bleeding heart slowly drains itself with no smile.