Cess Joy

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How Good is Our God?

From our disobedience, He lets us face our consequences and turn them from negative to positive.

Lets look at the beginning of everything. When Adam and Eve started of with being naked together and not minding seeing each other as they are.

Then a serpent told her what she’d be capable of doing if she ate the apple.

One of those truths, was that she’d multiply. And as we know, there came Cain and Abel.

( a symbolic show that can explain this in the simplest way is His Dark Materials)

So when she ate the apple, story tells us, that she became ashamed. Her knowledge sparked.

One that made her realize she had different body parts as Adam.

So she covered herself.

Let’s fast forward to now. We’ve neglected our wisdom, the word of God and replaced them with knowledge.

Science that once was made to study for proof of God’s existence and His maps of how the universe was created, now is used to over power Him.

Creating and experimenting on His creations.

Have we thought we’d make things better than He can?

Famine happened in Egypt multiples of times. Ever wonder why?

Let’s see, Egypt was known to have high intelligence, according to history books, explained in their Art history might I say.

Now let’s see what’s happening today..

Round Up. Dearest farmers, how many new EVOLVED insects have you seen?

How have the grasshoppers change? Have they gone more aggressive? Have they become more poisonous? 

Ever thought they’ve been removing the toxins from the fertilizers you’ve been feeding your produce?

Grasshoppers were once edible... But now, no longer.

We, like all creations, are made to revolve, not evolve.

Though, I could imagine that God LOVES His creations to just let them go instinct.

So what is He left to do, but use His super natural power to evolve His creatures to keep them.

Remember friends, we are all made with purpose.

From the dirt, to rock, to the insects you call pests.

Even a roach has their purpose. They feed on mold. So when they appear in your door step, it’s them serving your home and giving you a warning that they have detected scents of mold in the place you call home.

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You're the reason why we came, to encounter Your love.

-Elevation Worship

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Dearest Father,

I pray You direct my paths. 

I pray You use me and help me tell of my truth.

No matter how harsh, no matter how marvelous.

That I may not fear of receiving any kind of attention.

But only fear that I have not given my best.

Remind me of Your promises.

To keep me. To protect my family and loved ones. To break every walls of every heart I encounter, that they may be able to remember how to love rather than fear it (including myself). To never drift too far from you. To know the kind of freedom that comes from your love. To finally accept all our differences and unite through our agreements and commonalities. To answer all the questions I dare ask.

Better yet, help me keep MY promises to you. To always submit and obey Your commands. To feed myself with Your word everyday. I do ask, that I may be reminded of all Your doings. That I may heed to your signs and guide me to where you want me to go and do. To tell of the world about Your love and grace, not of the fear that people have installed in You.

You Father, are the King. The highest, my only, authority. My God, they’ve cursed Your plans of unity. Of bringing all religions in one congregation. From Jewish, Catholic, and Muslim. The conspiracy theorists have clouded minds that Your coming is near and we must force our love upon you and REPENT for our sins.. Some have spoken of declaring love with You, and I pray You keep them. A “rapture” they say, is on it’s way.. As if Aliens above us, the angels, are coming down to cause destruction, rather than glean us from our hateful ways. 

Tell them of Your truth Father, that You’ve come to equalize our power over each other. That You’ve come to express the love that Paul, who once was Saul, have written of You. The love that corrects when one is wrong. The love that is zealous, not jealous. The love that denies what is wanted, but give something better on the way. The love that is stern for a command, only to protect. The love that cries for attention. The love that screams out to boast. The love You’ve instilled in me, dearest God.  The one I keep coming back for. The one I always seek in others. The one many lack. The one that inspires. The one that we NEED.

Lastly, I ask that You remove our religions. By religion, I mean things that we order ourselves to do, what ever fills our void and help us face what it is we’re running from, the religion that hinders us from pursuing our dreams because of fear, most of all the religion that tells us we MUST be holy. Because only You, the HOLY TRINITY, are holy. So please Father God, tell us of Your love.

Amen.

Your servant,

Princess Joy Sabrina Baguyo Decano

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05.20.2020

The best form of healing from grieving is by feeling it and letting time do it’s job by passing. When I lost my great chung Ben, I was in deep pain. I thought that it was tragic, I now realize what blessing it was for him to pass and for it to land on my birthday. It was hard in the beginning, but as time went by, it certainly got better. An article called “Understanding Grief, and Living Through It” by Jane E. Brody also mentions other individuals who have lost their loved ones. Jane E. Brody also brought up a good point when she mentioned that losing someone one truly care about can be very painful, but the good news is that it isn’t a goodbye forever. It has also occurred to me that as Erik Erikson had explained it in his 8 Staged Theory, my late great uncle has fulfilled his life and made a great mark in many people’s lives. And though I felt like I was the only one truly touched by his passing, After reading the article “There’s No Right Way to Mourn” by Sian Beilock, I now also understand that mourning is different for everyone.

About a year ago, on my way upstate to celebrate my birthday by camping, my mother got a call from my grandmother saying that chung Ben had passed away. I cried all through the day and spent my night in the tent looking up the stars thinking of him and all the good times I’ve had with him. We even spent a warm discussion of all the memories we have had with him around the campfire and poured a drink for his existence. He was a good man. He was a bit special and many would take advantage of him for that. I, myself, and my brother had even pulled tricks on him when we were just kids. Though he called us mischievous children, at the end of the day he still loved us and played with us. I will always remember the way he played his harmonica every night and fed our pets. So the news of him passing not only broke my heart, but it also gave my birthday a more meaningful reason to celebrate. It was a bitter-sweet feeling that he’d past.

        While I believed it was tragic a year ago, since it had happened on my birthday, I now feel that it could not have been a better timing. I now feel that it gives me more of a reason to celebrate my birthday, because I plan on spending all my birthdays camping. And I can honor his life every year being in the woods and looking up in the stars in remembrance of the good life he had spent. I can tell my friends and future family about why I pour a drink every time I reach a year older. Before my birthday last year, I wasn’t so appreciative of my birthdays. Though now, I feel it’s become something I look forward to. Something I treasure. Just like what was mentioned in the article “Understanding Grief, and Living Through It” by Jane E. Brody when she said, “But 60 years later, I still treasure her most important legacy: To live each day as if it could be my last but with an eye on the future in case it’s not.” I do my best live every day of my life letting the people whom I love know that I love them. And forgive those who have wronged me before it’s too late. It has definitely changed my views on life. It has granted me wisdom and more awareness that tomorrow isn’t promised.

        Though it might have happened only about a year ago, tears still roll down my face every time I talk about him or remember him. I know it isn’t goodbye forever, but I just thought I’d see him now that I’m all grown up and tell him that I loved him, despite all the troubles I’ve caused him. I was also grieving more about how badly I thought I treated him and was angry at my brother for not feeling the way I felt. But when I read the article “There’s No Right Way to Mourn” by Sian Beilock saying “Everyone responds to death differently, and it’s psychologically healthy to focus on parts of our identity that are not touched by tragedy,” I then realized how I’ve been inconsiderate of my brother’s process of thinking about the whole situation. I also was told by my parents to “take it easy,” which also angered me due to the fact that he meant a lot to me and they were now telling me not to mourn so much. I was furious when they told me that. I knew they meant well, to try and soothe my pain, but at the time I just wanted to let it all out. To heal by feeling, because I knew if I bottled it up, it would only do me worst. And so I cried in my sleep where no one could see. It was also a difficult time to mourn and celebrate at the same time. It was my birthday, and it was supposed to be a heart-lifting and enjoyable moment with the family. It was a great deal of stress for me to celebrate. But it happened anyhow. I celebrated during the day and had some moments in between looking up in the sky and the lake’s small waves and ducks, mostly being grateful of the life I was given, but also for the gift of being able to share a life with him.  

My late great uncle’s passing wasn’t tragic, because he had lived a good life. He died in his sleep, peacefully. Chung Ben left this world with integrity. Though, I wanted to see what it would be like to have a conversation with him as an adult. My only regret was that I took this life for granted, thinking that I’d see him when I come back home in the Philippines and have him there waiting for me as I arrive. It has definitely changed my views on life. It has granted me wisdom and more awareness that tomorrow isn’t promised. I thought much about missing out on having true, deep, heart-to-heart conversations with him. I regret not even coming back to the Philippines for his funeral. Most of all I regret not giving him a proper goodbye. If I could see him one last time, I would tell him how much I loved him, that I appreciate him, that he has been a huge part of my childhood, and that without him I believe my childhood would have been so boring and lifeless. These things I never told him, not because I didn’t have the chance to, but because I simply took life for granted. And now I can only wait to see him in heaven, if I even make it up there.

        Death is a natural thing that everyone has, and will, experience in their life. Though it is unavoidable, truly we must find a way to cope with them. The best way to heal from the ache, based on my experience, is by feeling and learning to appreciate life itself. Appreciate life to honor those who has left theirs before us. I’ve also learned that there are no right way or wrong way to mourn. We simply need to take our time and be patient with ourselves in times where the uncontrollable happens to us. Holding on to the memory of their existence is not a crime, but it is what keeps them alive. Sometimes I cry because of the happiness and joy they’ve brought in my life, and sometimes I cry because I simply miss their touch. I think it’s okay to cry from time to time, it just means they’ve made a great impact in my life.

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Friends Come And Go.

Developmental Psychology (SSY 240)

Date: October 2, 2019

Friendships

Growing up, I have gained, lost, and kept many friendships. Through all the toughest times, I’ve learned that friends are family we create. I have learned that as Allan Shroufe mentioned, we truly do negotiate our trust with our friends. I was once told by a wise soul, that we cannot choose who our family is, but we can surely choose our friends who will become them. So with that said, I have been very selective with my friends. So over time, I have made, kept, and lost many friends along the way of my pursuing success. By success, I mean in my life in general and my goals for the future. I have friends that I go way back up since elementary school, and I surely have more friends from high school. Although, my past friends and I aren’t as close as we were then, I know I can always count on them. They have been such a blessing to have and I am very grateful for each one of them who stayed, even when the roads were as rocky as they can get. Though I haven’t seen them in years, I still remember our time together as if it were yesterday.

When I was in elementary school, I had a group of friends I called my best friends. We named our group as TAPAT, T for Tamara, A for Anastasiya, P for Princess, A for Anthoulla, and T for Tiffany. We were inseparable then. We goofed around, we played, we had endless conversations about everything, shared our secrets, fought about the smallest things and made up soon after the day had ended. We did everything together. We celebrated each other’s birthdays and had slumber parties. Of course, with our age at the time we also did some rebellious things like trespass and take a day off from school just to watch TV and spend time with our boyfriends all together. Sadly, my relationships with them didn’t last. Except for one, Anthoulla and I remain friends until this day.

Everything changed once we entered high school. I lost a great deal of our relationship then. First it was Anastasiya. I lost her friendship when she found out that I had slept with her friend’s ex boyfriend, which I was not aware of. His name was Carlos. Carlos told me that he and Anastasiya’s friend were already broken up completely. And I wasn’t aware that it would hurt her if I dated him. Anastasiya was furious when she found out, and asked me if it were true. Once I told her the truth because she was my best friend and I wouldn’t have lied to her, she lost her trust with me. And our friendship never recovered after it.

Tamara flocked along side with her since Tamara was closer with her than she was with me. Tamara never fought or argued with me, though she was the most feisty of all of us. She once told me “I can never get mad at you, you’re too kind.” And that was the end of it. But Tiffany and I remained friends. Up until she had forgotten my birthday during the summer. Though that wasn’t the only reason why I was upset with her, it did hurt me with a great amount and couldn’t see her as my best friend after all we’ve been through together. This, though, was something I had regretted I’d done. She was dear to me, and I was too selfish to understand that she might have been going through something and had forgotten to tell me, or was influenced by Anastasiya’s malice thinking. The question remains unanswered till this day. But I miss her now, as I see her grow into this beautiful mother she has become.

Anthoulla and I also lost our friendship for a friendship of another. Just like all three of my close friends, she and I also lost our relationship during high school. For many years we didn’t speak to each other, and 10 years later, today, we’re now on good terms with each other. She’s found her best friends and I also have myself. Our friendship was broken because I told her something that her friend was hiding from her, and her friend denied it and so she took her anger out on me. And since I knew I was right, I paid her no mind. So when she found out the truth, she came back and called me crying on the phone. But it was too late, I had lost my empathy for her because she questioned my loyalty and trust. Fast forward 10 years, and here we are, friends again. Though we haven’t had the time to grab lunch together and catch up, we have surely kept in touch through social media and send messages here and there.

Though I have lost my elementary school best friends during highschool, I still gained some more friends over my time in Flushing High School. Friends that I’ve also had a rough patch with over the course of my five year toxic relationship with my ex boyfriend who was very controlling. Today, though, I can say that we are still good friends and have been able to look past our differences and let go of our grudges from then. I keep in touch with three of my good friends from High School. The fight we had from five years ago, to think of it now, was such a very insignificant miscommunication. I was involved with a start-up company that sold coffee, and I invited my very close friend to one of our events. He took it upon himself that I had invited him to test it out on him and see how well the coffee worked on him. Which was a false accusation, because that was not at all my intention. My intentions were that he’d fall in love with the coffee himself that he would end up wanting to do the business of selling them with me and start a business together. I imagined that it would be a perfect opportunity to work with one of my best friends and become successful together. Though that wasn’t what happened, I still apologized for how wrong it went down.

Although the situation was very minimal and was almost insignificant, it meant a great deal for my friend, and I apologized to him, even contacted him from time to time all through those five years I spent completely apart from him. Until just very recently, we finally had a good long conversation over the phone and he gave me a chance to right my wrongs by apologizing. We haven’t found the right time to spend some quality time in person to catch up on what we’ve missed out on with each other, but as soon as we find the time, I’m hoping it would be like as it was when we used to be close. I don’t expect us to do the same things we did back in High School, but I do hope to present ourselves with no boundaries and have a swell time together and be as if we never separated.

Back in High School, I’ve also wronged many of my other good friends. I was a straight A student from my freshman year up until junior year. But as I’ve had my issues with troubles at home and with my love life, I began to drift into another path way. I stopped hanging out with my school oriented friends and began to skip my classes to go out in the park and take substances my parents would not have approved of. Instead of participating in school activities and volunteering to do work for our community, I missed them and hung out with a friend who influenced me to be the worst version of myself. But even with all of that my close friend, Mensur, one whom I invited to taste coffee with me and took it the wrong way, still accepted me as I was. Which is why I consider myself very lucky and blessed to have such a great friend like him to be around with.

Not only did I regain my friendship with him, I also met my best friend this year. She's the one I can call my best friend because even with the short amount of time we’ve known each other, we go together like bread and butter. Our friendship is built on trust, care, and love. When we’ve decided to call each other best friends over a lunch date, we set up some rules for each other. We had rules like, if we ever fought we would give each other space to think and make sure to forgive each other and make up the day of or the next day. We also set a rule that we’d never date each other’s ex boyfriends, and that we would always do our best to keep each other as friends for as long as we can live.

Andrea, my best friend, and I have yet to fight over anything. But we do have some issues about trying to be nice to each other, and I think that is our weakness. We both are too kind to each other, but that is our blessing. We understand each other and want the best for our friendship.

Allan Shroufe sure was right about our friends. Along the course of my 25 years of life, one thing I truly believe, and agree with Shroufe, is that our friends demand trust. The start of a relationship with a future husband or wife is friendship, and then the two become a family, and the cycle goes on. Friendship goes very well hand in hand with family, which is why it is important for us to choose our friends very wisely. And if there was one thing that I’d take away from my past experiences with losing friends, is that forgiveness is key. Forgiveness and admitting one’s wrongs are the key to successful friendships and relationships.

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Princess Joy Decano May 11, 2023

Title of Painting: “A Moment Passing Us By” Artist: Micheala Yearwood-Dan Gallery: Marianne Boesky Gallery Medium: Oil, Oil Pastel, and Ceramic on Canvas

I’ve seen plenty of meaningful abstract paintings throughout all the years I’ve had with taking an interest in art, but one that resonates with me the most is with me. Her paintings are painted with peaceful innocent colors, but it seems her mind is still in the chaos of her past. Just like how I keep my memories in the back of my heart, guarded with white picket fences. To create an image that my house isn't haunted by my traumas. She, like myself, looks and tries to focus her mind on her future, but her past seems to still haunt her and it’s tearing her mind apart so she paints these serene paintings with soft colored feelings to maybe ease her pain. To fill her void, with the beauty God's created for everyone to marvel.

One work by Michaela that I really connected with was this, called “A Moment Passing Us By.” It really connected with me because I loved the color contrasts she used. She had midnight blue, teal, and almost like a sunflower-colored yellow that really gave a sparkle in my eyes. Though, there was a part of it that brought sadness and grief. They were the black, glossy rose petals that looked like they were pieced apart, as if they withered or were withering. Then there were the words she hid in the darkest, unnoticeable part of the canvas, saying “I pray you remember me.” This one really spoke to me because it’s always been something I’ve bottled up inside. Passing and being remembered, or what memories and feelings will I leave behind? Did I make people laugh enough, or did I lighten up their darkest days? Maybe even made them feel and know that they were loved by someone. What kinds of values did I influence them with? What legacy did I leave with my fame? Many people know my name and my face, but do they really know me?

The choice of colors she used were so serene, yet they still gave me a feeling of grief. It reminded me of how I can be. On the surface, everything seems calm and cool, but if one looks closely enough and carefully studies every detail of my canvas, they’d see some fine printed sorrow in between the lines and shades. I met a heroin addict on a corner of Trader Joe's one time, and I was lucky enough to have a full on conversation with him and my mom in the background. She gave us cigarettes to smoke while we waited for my pops to pick us up. She said something like "God is good, and you have angels up in heaven," sadly, he replied "yeah, I've got friends and relatives waiting for me up there." I felt his grief. It wasn't towards them, but towards himself. I can resonate.

Michaela’s expressive and conceptual abstract paintings inspire me to think of painting as if writing a poem. They’re personal, descriptive, and also a bit secretive. Her technique of adding the ceramic petals was also very creative. She used different materials and combined them to express her message significantly stronger and unique from others. I think that seeing her work really inspired me to think outside the box and use all the tools I feel a connection with so that I can personalize my paintings. Not only make them mine, but also make them so meticulously meaningful to me, in that way when someone sees it and connects with it, they would become inspired just as I am with Michaela’s work.

Michaela

Yearwood-Dan’s way of expressing her thoughts and creating her pieces according to her own

feelings. Michaela’s paintings seemed very personal to her, and every stroke of her brush, every

color she used, every image she was trying to portray were deeply thought out.

This is the full picture of the painting Michaela Yearwood-Dan created, called “A Moment Passing Us By.”

This is the fine print she left behind, I believe it’s meant for someone specific.

These are the ceramic petal pieces she tainted with black glossy finish.

[dogthorcesschet]

Bubble Gum

I am a bubble.

Burst me like Cain did to Abel

I’ll give you everything I’m able

I’m not just a candle, I’m flammable..

Light up my gasoline, if you want to gamble

Then again, when I’m angry I sit down, just idle

I’ve already died being dunked in the water

Hurt me again, this time, even harder.

Credits:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cain_and_Abel#:~:text=In%20the%20biblical%20Book%20of,Abel%27s%20sacrifice%20instead%20of%20Cain%27s.

Genesis 4:2-15

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05.01.2023

I had a panic attack in Painting class today..

It started off with just really heavy breathing, I was trying to grasp for air but it seemed like nothing was coming in. And so then I went to the bathroom to try and calm down in private. I gagged and vomitted air.. Then I went back to class and tried painting again.. But the feeling was still there.. So I went to my professor and asked to be excused. Thank God he was really lenient and he even walked me to the nurse’s office. He asked if it’s something that often reoccurs and I confessed saying “yes, I forgot my medications at home today. I didn’t think I’d have it in the morning. I usually get it at night”

I was painting a picture of my version of Vanitas from the still life decorated by Prof Michael.

First of all, I chose to take the class to enjoy my last year in LagCC. The stress that this PAINTING class was not how I pictured my rejoicing. I never cared for the grade, I just wanted to relax and finally breathe in my last semester.. And there I was, painting a damn skull, dying candle, fucking books I was running away from, and a clock representing that time is limited.

Like sir, I’m already stressed as is, is this really the kind of feeling you get when you paint, because your wife might be the one needing a therapist and not her giving her ears towards others. This is not at all therapeutic. Also, I think you ought to find your style, because the kid who dropped your class last minute had GREAT style. It upsets me that you discouraged him because you had your own way of things. Art. Is. Life. It, has, it’s, own, IDENTITY.

BTW: I chose to leave the clock empty, no numbers, no arrows. I’m in GOD’s time, as we all are. Time is not the enemy, but it is if you make it.

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05.22.2023

I used to be so hopeless romantic.

likable.

Energetic and enthusiastic.

Nowadays I just want to be alone.

Be with less people.

Less interactions.

Seeing less people over all… Mostly, it’s probably because I don’t like myself very much anymore.

Rather than confidence, it’s more avoidance.

And I know I don’t really wanna be alone. Because I feel so lonely all the time.. And there’s this void that I don’t know how to fill. I just don’t have the appetite to show any other expression rather than this blunt blank face. Faceless rather, you may say.

And if I were to even try, I wouldn’t know where to begin.

So here I am.. Communicating my deepest feelings. No hope of it being read by anyone other than myself. I just feel comfort in knowing, I have my own secret hiding space that I can talk about anything I please and no one can judge me or give me any advice I haven’t already told myself a billion times. And after all, there’s no one else I can trust to give me the right answer but myself.

My story isn’t meant to be a sad one.

I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

But right now, all I see is darkness.

Yet, I breathe.

And keep on taking a step forward.

Forward to the unknown.

Where ever that may lead me, I know God is watching over me.

I know this to be true, because he’s been revealing plenty of things to be true. Showing me every kindness from the most random people. Giving me hope through spontaneous events and making them memorable.

I envy people who can call other’s their family.

People who talk to them on the daily and ask about their days and make each other laugh about jokes no matter how corny and corky.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one trying to make something out of nothing with the people around me, I guess you can call them my family. But their definition of family is different from mine. We’re related by blood, but that doesn’t make us family. I mean, I confess, we once were a family. Now we’re all just strangers to each other. Knowing only our names about each other. Secrets kept from each other. Lives lived away from one another. Distance slowly separating us. Creating new families with friends who’s never met each other. Slowly deteriorating what once was abundant in love, care, shared laughters and moments. Things we now can’t get back. It saddens me to think about how all this was stripped away ever since my Tito Rigo passed. Frankly, ever since Mark came into my life. Actually, even way before that. It has been ever since I finally got to see my Poppa in Canada after all those 9 years we’ve spent so far apart. Surely, I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for being able to see him on my 18th birthday along with reuniting with his side of the family out in the west coast. All I’m simply saying, is that ever since I came back from that trip, I’ve never been the same. I came from this really bright, astonishing chandelier, to this exhausting, dull light bulb that lies on a lamp no one dares pick up from being too afraid to touch because of the curse I might leave them with. Highly likely because it’s located in an abandoned house, haunted by simultaneously traumatic events, each one comes worst after the other.

So, how do I deal with it? Well, just as any cursed thing, I deceit them into thinking I’m alright. That life’s nothing but a dark humor I’ve managed to take an account for myself over those years of piled scars, mentally and emotionally. Somehow, telling them these pitiful jokes about myself has left me, only to laugh right back with them. Though, I’m not sure whether we’re laughing about the same things. They might laugh at my pain, but I laugh at the sound of their cheer and to think I’ve given them something to be happy about.

But see, I’m not asking for pity or comfort. I think I’m way past that safe zone. Consider me a lost lone wolf, who went too far astray from its pack. Announced dead perhaps. Long forgotten.

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04.29.2023

4:35 AM

I just got home from the club with my college friends.. And well.. It was a good time. Frankly, I went because I wanted to get my mind off ***at***. It’s just another pattern that hasn’t been broken. I’m slowly losing interest.. I really do love him. I just can’t waste my time on someone who doesn’t love me back. As much as I want to give him everything and for him to be happy, I deserve to be happy too. And I have to put myself before him. Last night I told him about how anxious I am about going to the OBGYN doctor to find out about my worsening uterus condition. He replied with something I already know and told me to calm down about it. I fell asleep and replied to him in the morning as soon as I woke up saying “yeah. Have a good day. I just woke up” and I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know what’s on his mind. And I’m not going to assume that he doesn’t care. But if he actually did, he would have asked what happened. Maybe he’s moved on and found someone who he actually takes seriously. Who knows. Either way, it doesn’t really bother me anymore. What we had was great. I learned a lot. I learned to love. I learned to get to know people before giving it my all. I learned how to take it slow. I learned how to put myself first. I learned to be patient most of all. To be understanding, and wait for the moment. He didn’t actually teach it to me, but being with him made me realize a lot about life and relationships through self reflections and taking the time out to think about what’s happened. I mean I haven’t gotten around to knowing what’s happening in the actual moment because I live for the moments and express what I feel in the moment, but I’ve learned to give it time to see how things go and then reflect. Then find the solution. Again, he’s not obligated to love me, and I with him. But it’s about choosing. I did my part, I chose to want to be with him. I chose to voice my feelings. And I got some really short answers back. I know there’s a lot more going on in his mind that isn’t being said. But that alone shows that actions speaks too. And quite frankly, he’s not showing any actions. So I don’t know what’s really going on.. I’m on a blind spot. And this isn’t how teams work. 

So what did I do?

I went out. Divert my attention to releasing my energy and focus on other things by dancing. Meeting new potential friends. And I succeeded. I’ve met some really incredible people today. New friends who attended La Guardia. And a really nice gentle man who drove me home. Marcus. 

The first thing I noticed about him was his beard. My friends and I were in the line and he was a few people in front of us. My friends were talking to him and my attention was with some of my new friends’ friends. One particular person quite honestly whom I took an interest in dancing. But I wasn’t quite satisfied. After a few hours of being on the floor with my new friends, I decided to leave. I went to the bathroom. I found a phone and gave it to the bartender. Got lost looking for the way out. And waited for a miracle to go home. My card was declining and there was no way of transferring from one account to another for some reason. I’m really starting to hate TD bank for all their “We’re sorry for the inconvenience but the network is currently in construction” But I guess that was a blessing in disguise. Because I met this really chill gentle man who didn’t have malice intentions but to have a good time. Not in a sexual way, at least I’m sure he wasn’t going to make any hasty decisions on just a night of meeting. Because if he tried making one slight movement, Sabrina would have woken from her medication and give the dude a nice smokey eye shadow. But we talked. Like a lot. Within about half an hour of time together. I’ll look out for his call. But I’m not crazed about it. It would really be nice though. 

As for why I actually went out?

It’s been a stressful year. A year of heart ache and chaotic thoughts and emotions. ***at*** mostly. And the fact that I found out that I have polycystic ovary syndrome. Not worried about dying or anything, but the pain is really becoming the issue. If only ***at*** cared enough to know it’s not just about missing my periods but also about the physical pain it comes with. Pain that obviously affects my head space. Again not worrying about dying, but just thinking about my over all pain and the possible outcomes it may bring. Things I won’t be mentioning because I really don’t want to think about them. Like having children in the future. Or even having the pleasure of having a loving partner’s magic stick inside me. Because when that doctor inserted the thing to take pictures of my insides, it was reallllllyyyy painful. As in, my abdominal area felt really sore like someone had beaten the shit out of me. I know that feeling because I have been beaten there before. But this feeling there, was worse.

[dogthorcesschet]

04.25.2023

It’s just a few minutes past 12 am, and I meant to write about this on the 24th, which I think is “today” so I’ll be talking as if it is still the 24th.

Yesterday, on the 23rd, just after I wrote my last journal about healing from my heart ache with ******an, I had this HUGE urge to communicate with him. And it reaaalllly was unbearable and I just couldn’t hold myself from not talking to him. So I wrote this message to him and before pressing send on the text I was so nervous about whether he blocked me or if he kept me in his contacts. And so when I pressed send, it didn’t show delivered or anything at all. And it made me assume that he had already blocked me. It obviously disappointed me.. And another thought came and it really pressured me to contact him on Facebook so after going back and forth with myself I finally hit send. Again. And I was so nervous, still crying from while I was writing it.. And here’s what I wrote:

Hey.. umm.. I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for what I said to you last. I was just hurt. And I didn’t know how to express my hurt. I really don’t have any other words to explain myself. But I just wanted to let you know that I’ve finally decided to be mature and tell you that I still love you. And I know it’s probably stupid that I am since we’ve only known each other for such a short time. But there was so much to love about you Jonathan. It’s kind of hard to be so observant and yet be so dumb at the same time.. I love that you’re doing the best you can at everything.. being a father separated from your child’s mother, being a good son even after all the trauma both your parents left you, being there for your sister and supporting her with all of her decisions, a good friend to your friends even after all their unnecessary pressure on you.. and not only that you even go out of your way to serve the people you’re committing yourself to be loyal to with your life to a point that you’re risking it, from the security job you had to being an infantry man… I hope you can see why it’s so hard not to love you. I know I sound like a super head over heels weirdo, I just felt like I needed to tell you… and I’m really hoping you hate me enough so you won’t have to see this or yet be so happy you won’t reply to this. But I just can’t keep avoiding this pain of not being with you and beating myself up for have having a wishful thinking that we could be together. It’s okay that you don’t love me back. I’m finally okay with letting you go. Because you deserve to be happy and I can’t say I love you if I was holding you back from being that. You’ll always have that mark in my heart. After dating all kinds of guys, even with the unraveled mystery I had with Jaime, you were the one who showed me I can love again. And I can only thank you for that. No matter the pain it caused me after. I hope you’re happy. With love, Joy

Only a few minutes later, as I was sitting in the dark thinking where and if I still had any photos of us and of him left anywhere in my accounts, I received a message from him. 

He said he missed me. And I cried even more because even though I told him that I its okay if he doesn’t reply, I still sincerely wanted to hear from him again and come back. But I really wasn’t expecting for him to come back. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I think I’ve come in terms to just let him drive and I, sit and watch him as he does. Not worrying about where the road will lead us, but enjoying the fact that I had these moments with him and that watching him go do his thing is enough for me to say I’m proud of myself for loving him. I finally felt like whatever everyone else in my surroundings used to tell me about he and I not being good for each other doesn’t matter to me anymore. That it’s what I want and what I feel and what I see. And I guess that’s what love is all about. Not caring about what others say, because in the end loving someone is the reflection of what YOU’VE wanted for YOURSELF all your life. I’ve felt this way once before. And I took it lightly. I didn’t know what love was or what it meant, but I was in it. I felt it all. The pain, the going back and forth and I always ran when it came to the hardships. But this time, since we talked it out and decided to communicate our love for each other, I don’t think I’ll be running anymore. I’ll be here. Hurt may come, and I’m pretty sure there will be times when they will, but I know I’m more assured of myself and what my feelings are to know I’ll be sticking around. And well, I hope it’s the same for him. 

So when we spoke, we finally told each other the things that we’ve never really told each other before. He said that he was afraid to “hit me [back] up” because of the things I’ve said to him. And I don’t blame him. I can be really hurtful. My words can become sharp. Because they’re said with passion. I can be a bit extreme. And just like my moods, they’re extremely high and extremely low. Because it literally takes 4 fouls and I’m out. So my words can be really loving, or they can be really hurtful. But I don’t think I’ve ever hated him. No matter how much I tried. I couldn’t. I know I didn’t hate him because it hurt me when I’d sing my hurt and low songs that are meant for him because of how they remind me of him. But I apologized to him. And told him that I only said those things because I was hurt and I didn’t know how to express myself better. He told me he was sorry for the pain he’s caused me and I told him that it was okay because I don’t think that they were intentional. And right now I wanna keep talking about what had happened in that conversation, but I can’t help but think about our past memories together. And I can’t say this enough, but they were beautiful. He isn’t as bad as I’ve told my friends he was. And I don’t think I even started telling them anything bad! I literally showed them our beautiful messages and how I’m so deeply in love and they gave me these really bizarre ideas and thoughts like “oh he sounds so dry” when in actuality, he’s a busy fucking guy. Or maybe he just doesn’t communicate well through text. Some people are THE worst communicators through writing out their thoughts and ideas, but when they speak, GOOD HEAVENS, their knowledge is so high and their IQ level, is much higher than those who actually took the damn test. And I see that in him. It’s not because I’m delusional, or I’m having these fantasies about who he is. It’s because it’s who he ACTUALLY is. It’s only the future that I’ve fantasized. I know him because I pay attention to the small details. There is a lot more going on than what a person is saying. And I’ve seen it all with him. I don’t make assumptions about people, I never did. That’s why it’s so easy to get along with me. Because I actually take my time to get to know everyone. I know that they’ve all got their stories to be told. And I’m just open to hear them. And I can tell you, I know him. I know that he’s still got a lot to unload. At first, his ring. And you know what, it’ll only hurt him more if he won’t tell me the truth. So yeah, I’ll give him that space to think about his actions. But it won’t change my feelings for him. It does anger me, but it’s something I’ll have to patiently wait for him to be ready and tell me what it’s really about. I’ve learned this way of showing my love for someone because of him. Once, I found out that he was snorting coke and I was upset about it and I didn’t realize how hurt it made him feel. I asked him why he had to hide it from me, and it was because he was ashamed about it. So now, I’ll just have to wait for him to be ready and tell me. And be prepared of how I’ll react to it. I’m telling you now though, I’ll love him no matter what. And I’ll show him exactly that. My love, care, and feelings for him won’t change. 

Anyways, he called me through a video chat on Facebook and I was so ashamed of him seeing me cry. I hid and cracked a laugh. It was more like a giggle, I sounded like a hyena. lol. But really, I couldn’t even get myself to cry in front of him. I was so shy. And that right there shows that I still don’t show my all to him, as he doesn’t as well. YET. But see, we’re learning to know each other’s language/lingo. 

Then I fell asleep, and missed my class for painting. Like I overslept so bad, I was like two hours late to class. Class was at 9, I woke up at 11. There was no point of me heading there just to be there for just an hour. But now that I think of it, I think it would have been worth showing up anyways. Another lesson learned. When I woke up I texted him good morning, and didn’t get a response until the end of the day but it’s okay. It’s Monday, and he’s in the military. Hello,?. But I had a good day. I took Stanley to the park, and he was so happy. It made me happy. We took pictures because I wanted to record every moment I had with him and see his beautiful smile, enjoying his day at the park with nature and all the socializing he’s doing with other dogs. And when I got home, my brother had a story time with me and my mom about his job and all the dumb calls he got. He was telling them as a joke. And though at the time he really must have had a tough time about doing them, he was finally venting about them. And as I laughed about his stories, since I have such a dark humor, it made him feel lighter. I know because he was comfortable enough to grab a beer and talk some more about them at 11 in the morning. I’m sure there was some pain hidden in some of those stories, but I laughed at them. He was venting. And it wasn’t like I was laughing at the pain, but about how stupid life was that it causes pain. I’m laughing because the pain that the dark forces are trying to inject in us doesn’t work, because God’s perfect love is much greater that we laugh about these little things called pain. It may sound crazy, but it makes perfect sense to me. And if my laughter can boost my brother’s confidence to share his depressing stories, and let it become a humor we can just have for a brief second, then I’ll freely express my cray cray. 

Tito Rigo:: ULOL ka nga talaga inchet.

Me:: only fools rush in, right Tito?

[dogthorcesschet]

04.23.2023

I’ve been on a slump, for Good Lord knows how long. Yes, it’s about ****th**. I’ve been avoiding my pain about h** and I not working out by getting myself busy with school work and partying and movies and shows. I haven’t even finished a painting since h* and I have been off the radar up until classes for painting and drawing started. And it’s been hard. Like really hard. I told myself I’ll hate h** to get over h**. And then I’d say I know I’ll never lose my love for h**, which is the actual truth. And to be frank, I really can’t get over h**. No matter how many people show up in my life, its like no one really matches the way I look at h**. It could be my fantasies about the future we could have had. But the one I fell in love, is worth loving. I just don’t think I expressed it enough or wasn’t matured enough to handle our worst situations. Like getting hurt about the little things. And even the big things, such as him maybe not even loving me back. But really? It’s all okay now. I’ve finally decided to accept that I love h**. And that h* might not feel the same. But it won’t really change the fact that I’ll have to let h** go. And move on with my life. Focus on the family I have now. And not worry about the family I want to have in the future. After all, it’s only this second we have in our lives that isn’t even guaranteed to be continued. So I’ll appreciate the family and friends I have close to me today. 

Those I have NOW. The ones that has been beside me and care about me, even though sometimes it might not be visible. They’re all I have. And nothing means more than what I have now than what I HAD have and WILL have. I know my love for h** was worth it and the time we had was great and that’s what makes it painful to let go. So I’ll just keep him in my memory, where I can’t physically hold. But will mentally won’t hold onto. I love h** enough to pray for his happiness and for God to fill his life with love and joy. So I’ll take the high way and go off onto another road where I can take a drive to where I’m meant to go. The road unknown. Where God will lead me and carry me in my troubles. Such as what he’s done for the past year and a half. 

And can I just say, after today, with all the great things that’s happened to me? I know I can go on. I know I have so many things to look forward to. Going to Queens College to continue my education to pursue psychology, and meeting new people like J####, and also planning ahead to get involved in the student organizations, I’m definitely making moves. And WILL shift things around. I’ll be this social butterfly I’ve always been and I will no longer try to run away from my heartache that Jonathan left me with. When I feel it, I’ll feel it. But I won’t let that stop me from putting my make up on and dressing my cutest outfits together and posting my thoughts and poems on any platform.

This is my life to live, and God was gracious and generous enough to let me borrow it.

[dogthorcesschet]

04.19.2023

I know it’s really unhealthy, but the easiest way to take away my emotional pain is physical pain. To be honest, I don’t really want to talk to anyone.. I don’t want any conversation. I don’t want any judgement. I don’t want it to come back to me again later. I don’t want it to be used against me. I feel alone. But I don’t want to be around anyone right now. I’m a mess. These grades don’t mean a thing. These accomplishments mean nothing. I know I’m supposed to talk to someone about this. I know I shouldn’t hold it in. But I just don’t know where it’s even coming from. I’ve forgiven my past. I just can’t seem to let go of the things it left me. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who to let in. Because no one really gave me the chance to give in. I’m just a sad little thing. Walking about this earth alone. I post all these positive things about not being alone, that there’s always someone there, but really there’s no one. I don’t wanna say I wish to die, because that’s the easy way out. And I know that God will show up. He always does. It’s just difficult to see the good things right now because they’re clouded by my sadness. But it’s also hard to not think about getting high and letting it all go even just for a little while. And I can’t even do that, because I don’t like the feeling anymore. Nothing is tasteful, nothing is delightful. It’s all so bland. I don’t even have the appetite to eat, but I’m so hungry for something all the time. I want something, but I don’t know what it is. 

[dogthorcesschet]

04.04.2023

Am I really boastful?

Have I really come off that way?

Or is it a lie I’m being targeted to trigger and ponder over as I am right now. 

I never really thought of myself as someone to brag about my standards for myself and for others..

I only mean to show my work to verify value in it other than my own.. Perhaps even give me the validation..

And maybe that’s where I’m wrong.

I don’t know, maybe I just don’t get enough recognition..

Maybe I’m just looking for attention for everything I do because I don’t give myself enough attention and credit…

This may be the answer to my prayer: to love myself and recognize my own value and be happy about and for myself; to be enough for myself without anyone else’s opinion.

This tough time could just be the lesson I’m needing.

My papa gave me my breakfast, it was palabok. And he said “here, palabs” and I said “ aww papa loves?”

And then as he walked away he said “Palastog” which in translation to English means “to be boastful”

So have I been boastful?

This hasn’t been the first time I got that comment, that I consider an insult -due to the fact that I don’t believe (or at least know) about myself. 

Andrea has also called me boastful once. I asked her my red flag and she said that was it.

And many more others has said it about me behind my back, while being in front of them. 

I just want to be good enough…

And maybe my enough is just never enough.

So when will I ever be good enough?

I’ll tell you this though, I will no longer be telling others what I’ve done and what I’m capable of doing..

I’ll just let my work speak for everything I do..

Because it’s clearly not in anyone else’s interest but my own.