STATEMENT 20100420
Alt: " Tenderizing"
((CW: Mentions of ED; objectification; sexism; body dysmorphia; creepy behavior; implied cannibalism; ))
Statement of Jan Evants, regarding his..obsession
I know how this is going to sound like. But no matter what I'm going to tell you here today I need you to know that I am NOT that kind of man you might think I am. I have a WIFE and and I have a DOTHER I would NEVER even think to do something like-
You're right. You're right , I'm getting ahead of myself. I apologize.
This all started after I aquired a new job position at a perfume boutique LA PUR Délice on *** ***. It's not a typical job for a man , I certainly felt much less comfortable there than I did at my last position as a security guard in a small corner store near my apartment at the time. But I soon found that it's not that different after all . Most of our clients where more keen to take advice from my female colleagues so my job boiled down to it's most basic form of service : watch over every customer that goes through the door of our boutique. I don't think I need to mention that most of these costumers were women.
Through the months that I worked there I probably seen more women then any man will in their entire life. Old ones , young ones ,fat ones , skinny ones. You could always tell by the way they carry themselves if today we'll get more sales then yesterday. Or on the opposite, who will come in to get few sprays on herself and then hurry away as soon as you lay your eyes on her. Those were my favorite ones , especially if they were young. There is just something about a woman feeling your eyes on her and trying her best to behave. That's were the real power is , I'm telling you.
When I saw her for the first time from a far there was honestly nothing extraordinary. We got our fair share of chirping teenage girls from time to time and a stag of bleached blonde hair would definitely not impress me in the slightest. I did however, note her almost see through top , which immediately lighten my mood : not only did I get to to scold her justly, but I'll maybe even get to see sights worth seeings.
It all stopped the moment I started to approach her. Not even two steps in I felt numbing feeling travel down from my spine to my legs. Not the usual type of pain but the feeling you get after saying something you know you should've never said. I felt my hands began to sweat, my ears drumming with pulse , I felt...scared. I couldn't walk to her , I couldn't even talk to her. Noticing my steps the girl half turned to look at me , her green eyes disregarding me with no interest. And I could clearly feel why. My body became uncomfortably aware of it's existence , each movement of the legs felt slobbish , each brush of arms against my torso unnecessary. How come I never noticed that dubble chin ? That patch of hair left from shaving which was now tagging on my shirt's collar like bunch of needles. I was a disgrace, a bump, a joke. No one should've seen me like this , especially not her.
I don't remember how I resolved that situation at work. Maybe I asked for early leave with sickness , maybe I just tried hiding in the deeper corners of the store. I can't bare to think of what kind of man I was at that moment. A worse man, that's for sure .
Then only thing I knew back then is that I should become better. My first thought was hitting up a gym on my way home , but as soon as I imagined other people seeing me , seeing my arms flailing around as fat on them flopped like repulsive wings I knew that I couldn't come anywhere near it. I should've been a man. Should've had discipline damn it! And that was exactly what I was planning to do
I started eating half the food I used to before. My breakfast, lunch and dinner consisted of eggs, rice , salad with the vegetables that I never learned how to properly cook. I knew that I should've added at least some kind of meat to this "feast" , but the moment I put even a small bite of it into my mouth I'd get that feeling again. Feeling of failure. Feeling of those slobbish balloons of fat coming back. Fuck yes I was hungry. But i knew how to dull this hunger. I knew that I needed her.
In the next several weeks I learned verything I could about that girl...well..a woman , I should say. No one would blame me from not catching up to that fact earlier, after all the outfits she wore on her daily strolls were always far too short and left very little to the imagination. But I was a starved man and I appreciated fantasies her choices gave me.
I spend hours studying those curves, the way they dripped over tight rubber of a skirt, moved even after a sudden stop , floated into soft lines possible to replicate only by most delicate pastries. The best part was , every time I got near her all that noise of senses would just dissapear. No hunger,no longing, no suffocating hive of smells that scrach at the back of your throat. Only a pleasant smell of sweetness and ammonia, that stay with you even after she's gone.
I was called out numerus times for this. Being "upset minded" as they put it, but I couldn't give two shits. I needed something to look forward to.
And with every shirt which became looser by day , with every painful growl of a stomach I felt vibrating through my thinning flesh, I knew I was getting better. I was getting perfect for her
I can't tell you what made that day special. I was in the same loose shirt , same baggy jeans I wore to that dumb job every day. I think I even forgot to shave that day , but it ultimately didn't matter. It was the day she looked at me.
I can't begin to describe to you how good it felt to finally see her smile. My body piercing with thousands of needless, my heart drumming in the back of my throat as I careful stepped closer to her , feeling every step reverberate through my body, my lightheadedness becoming worse and better at the same time.
As I approached she started talking almost immediately. Her voice chattering something childishly, hands with perfect soft fingers falling around to point something out on the shelf. Her lips flopping,her tongue moving with wet clicks.
My hand moved almost on it's own , I only noticed that it did after I felt her soft , warm skin underneath my cold boney fingers. She smiled again. She knew exactly what I needed.
....
........
I'm sorry , I'm just trying to think on how to describe this part. Have you ever been in love ? Not that cheesy romance bullshit, but the one that feels like a parasite in your brain. I wagley remember reading once that the reason we like cats so much is because they have some kind of bug that makes us attracted.
I guess it's something like that..When every movement, every breath the other person makes, makes you want to crawl under their skin. Bring them as close as possible, kiss them like you want to taste the back of their throat ,dig your nails into their soft flesh, start tearing it to strands . Each one coming off like well cooked meat , slipping past your lips into your throat with moisture of their body being the only lubricant, feel your tears mix up with your own saliva as you realize that this is the only time in your life you felt truly whole. While they look at you. While they smile. And laugh. Laugh. Laugh . Laugh untill you get to their throat.
...
I'm not that kind of man. I feel like I am a better one, but I don't want to be . I want forget what I saw when I finally got my mind back . I want to stop my mouth fill up with saliva when I go past dumpsters of butchery shops. Weird to say ,but I wish the most that I could get my vomit reflux back. But I know I won't. No matter how hard I tried
And I tried.
Especially after passing next to my old work place and smelling that warm scent again. Hearing that laugh. Seeing those hair....
....
Is it okay if I use your bathroom on the way out ?
Statement ends
