just be the death of me

The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: was still floored by the fact that he was actually having this conversation with Eli but it felt good to finally get the words off his chest. Now that everything was out in the open he knew going forward would be much easier. He had all the reassurance in the world now that Eli wouldn't run off and also that Eli would never harm him. Jake trusted Eli entirely, but given the fact that his own father caused him harm, Jake learned long ago that those closest to you were still capable of doing damage. But he needed to believe that everything would work out for them. Eli mattered far too much for the two of them to ever break apart from one another. He nodded, knowing that Eli was being rational. But a part of Jake was still foolishly optimistic. He was wrapped in his thoughts as Eli put on his boxers, still feeling bad for the fact that they weren't able to take that step tonight because of his news. His cheeks warmed at the soft kiss Eli planted on his skin. "I honestly don't know what I'd do without you, E. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me." Jake accepted the shirt and slipped it on, feeling relieved to be covered up. He leaned in and kissed Eli's lips, cupping the boy's face before resting his forehead against his. Jake's eyes closed as he breathed Eli in. "I love you so much, Elijah."

Eli: felt that being intimate with one another could be done another day. There was no rush for it and in his eyes, what they were speaking out with one another was a greater form of intimacy than being physical ever could. Eli was getting a glimpse of Jake that he hadn't shown anyone since his ex, and with that situation, it clearly hadn't gone well. He couldn't imagine the toll that hiding such a huge secret could take on him. It made Jake's compassionate, lighthearted nature even more admirable. Eli didn't think that he'd be able to live the same way if he'd been in Jake's shoes. The abuse would have hardened him far too much to be kind. And yet Jake was perhaps the most gentle person he'd ever known. Smiling widely at all of Jake's words, Eli brushed his nose a few times against his, squeezing his boyfriend's hands firmly. This felt like having a soulmate, having a family, and having a best friend. The difficulty of their circumstances didn't make a difference. "I'll always love you, promise."

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Jake: smiled a bit wider at Eli's response. The guy had come into his life and turned everything on its side. He had tried to resist the pull, knowing that a relationship with him would probably be more than Eli bargained for. But there was no way he could shoot down what was so obvious between the two of them. Each time Eli spoke with certainty about remaining a fixture in his life, Jake's mood picked up. Nothing in his life really felt stable but it was such a relief to know that Eli saw their relationship as a reliable constant. "At first I was upset with him. I'm not going to lie. But it didn't last too long once I really thought on it. We're just kids, you know?" he reasoned. Jake nodded and looked down at his bruised torso as well, swallowing thickly. "He has these moments where the old him is present and it's incredible. But I don't see much of that guy anymore. With my mom dying and him being out of work after an injury, he's so cold. I barely recognize him."

Eli: nodded, staying quiet as he let Jake get his thoughts out. Now that the topic was out in the open, he wanted the other boy to be able to speak about it as often as he needed to. Going through that trauma alone must've isolated Jake a great deal; it would leave anyone with an innate need to withdraw. "It's not your responsibility to try and mend the things in his life that have gone wrong. Even if you feel you should and even if it lets that burden rest on your shoulders. I just want you to know that no one else would expect that of you." Reaching for his own boxers, Eli slid them on but left his pants aside, comfortable enough to forgo them. He then grabbed Jake's shirt, but before letting him take it, Eli leaned in to kiss his cheek very gently. "You're the most beautiful, courageous, and resilient person I've ever met. This situation isn't forever. It's just for now. You'll be with me far away some day and you'll look back on this. It'll hurt because you're going to remember it. But you won't be living it anymore." He handed Jake his shirt, smiling softly as his bruises were safely covered, and hopefully less susceptible to pain.

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: needed Eli to know that he wouldn't ever fault him if this became too taxing. Jake wished he could remove himself from this situation entirely and couldn't expect another person to wholly make this problem into their own. Jake had hinted in the past that his baggage had been cause for an ex to leave but now that he was faced with the prospect of discussing it, Jake felt sick to his stomach. But he knew this was a conversation that needed to be had. Jake figured he was telling all his secrets now so he may as well uncover this aspect of his history as well. "I get why he did," Jake started out. As much as it had hurt him, Jake could admit the truth of it all. "I gave him the out. I was hoping he wouldn't use it but...I can't blame him. I kinda got lost in my head a lot. I wasn't much fun to be around at times. I still tried to keep things up, the relationship and everything that went along with it. But I'd have to cancel on dates or couldn't talk much on the phone sometimes. Overall I think the whole thing just scared him, honestly." Jake shrugged lightly, trying to let it roll off his back. "I wouldn't have wanted to date me either. The more he withdrew from me, the more miserable I got on top of everything else. After things ended, that's when I decided to just stop dating until I moved from my dad," he said, his eyes flickering to Eli. "At least that was the plan anyway," he continued with a faint smile.

Eli: "And then I threw a wrench in your plans," Eli tacked on, giving him a small and playful smile. As rough as this was, he wanted Jake to see that there could be small bright spots too. "I'm sure this guy had his reasons, some of them understandable, but that won't be the case for you and I." No one could predict the future, that much Eli couldn't deny. Still, he felt so strongly on the subject. Everything in him said that Jake was meant to be a permanent fixture in his life. That wasn't going to change no matter what became more complicated. "I guess I can't fault him and you're really kind for seeing his perspective. I just need you to know that I walked into this thing realizing that it wasn't ever going to be simple. There was my crap to begin with, and now that I know about your dad, it's not scaring me off. I felt prepared, even if I didn't see it coming. I only wish I could..." he trailed off, looking down at Jake's chest. "You're the very last person on earth who deserves that. Your dad is vile."

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: had known for some time now that his feelings for Eli ran much deeper than simply liking him. He had pictured saying the words at a much better time, under better circumstances but he couldn't stop himself from uttering those words aloud now. He needed Eli to know just how much he meant to him and that was the best way to fully encapsulate that. He sighed softly to himself when Eli didn't appear freaked out or troubled by the heavy statement. A smile tugged at his lips as well at the boy's reply. He brushed his nose back against Eli's, appreciative of the tenderness he was being shown. Jake almost couldn't believe his ears when Eli repeated the sentiment but it warmed his heart entirely. "I'd love that more than anything. Every day spent with you, that's all I want," he said, nodding in agreement of the plan they'd discussed before. Jake wanted nothing more than to pack his bags and get away from his dad. Part of him felt selfish for it, knowing just how much the man depended on him. But Jake also knew that he deserved far more than abusive at his dad's hands. Jake grew teary eyed at Eli's last statement. "I needed to hear that," he said. "I never thought you would but all things considered," he said with a shrug. "Just know that if it's ever too much, I'd get it, okay? I'd get if you needed to have some time away from me and this whole thing, I'd understand. My last boyfriend couldn't deal. I'm asking a lot of you here."

Eli: nodded, taking Jake's words to heart but knowing at his core that he would never need to take that out. As a couple, they would have their mutual struggles like all relationships did - namely with making it on their own, Eli imagined. But it would never have to do with the trauma Jake had experienced at his dad's hand. His expression fell when he mentioned his last boyfriend. As heavy or draining as the situation might have been, the idea of anyone leaving Jake felt so ridiculous to Eli. He knew he certainly couldn't have parted ways with him. Even being separate between the times they saw each other drove Eli crazy. "So your ex knew that your dad was like this? And he just left?" he asked, wondering how the situation played out, but he was also prepared for the talk being a little too much for Jake to process all at once.

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: listened on as Eli rattled off the list of positive traits he felt he possessed. On good days, Jake could sometimes see his worth but his father had managed to break his spirit so much that it was getting harder to see the good in himself after each beating. Eli was a blessing in all of this and Jake was desperate to cling to this one good thing he had in his life. He knew that was a lot to put on someone, especially a kid like himself, but Jake didn't think he was strong enough to carry this burden on his own for much longer. Since meeting Eli, Jake's objective had been to keep this aspect of his life under wraps. For the time being he didn't regret being vocal but he knew it would inevitably come. For now, he would listen to all that Eli had to say. Jake looked at Eli, holding on to his hands. "You know I love you, right?" he asked, searching his eyes. "Maybe now's not the time to say it but I really do." Sighing, Jake rubbed at his eyes once more. "This is all such a mess but thank you. For listening. For not running away. For just being here. It means way more than you'll ever know and I just..., I dunno," he trailed off.

Eli: cracked a small smile as Jake said he loved him, grateful for his vulnerability in the moment. With so many forms of stress in Jake's life, Eli was endlessly grateful and honored to be a positive presence; a piece that gave him hope. "You can say it any time. All the time," Eli assured, leaning in to rub his nose carefully against Jake's. He knew better than to be as hands-on as he'd been before, now seeing how uncomfortable the boy must have been with all of his bruises. Given how dark they were, Eli could only fathom how they felt on the inside. If merely skimming his fingers over them would undo the damage, he would have done so in a heartbeat. "I love you to pieces. Always will," Eli assured him. "Remember how I said we'd leave Toronto one day? We're still going to. Even more so now. I wish I could up and go with you right now. That we had the resources and a plan. But we'll get a small apartment together one day, both have good enough jobs to make the rent -- we won't have to answer to anyone or walk on eggshells with each other. I'll never hurt you."

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: felt good on one hand to have the truth finally out there with Eli but he feared scaring the boy off. He'd been in a situation like this before and found himself without a boyfriend after his ex deemed this too much for him to take on. Jake had done his best up until now to warn Eli that there would come a time in which he would share more about his past and that it wouldn't be easy to accept. He could only hope that Eli would keep to his word and wouldn't go running scared but he wouldn't have blamed him. Jake sniffled and nodded as Eli spoke. Though he might not have been able to relate in this sense, it counted for a lot that Eli was able to acknowledge his feelings to this degree. "It makes me hate myself so much," he said, unable to look Eli in the eye still. "I must be doing something wrong. If I could just figure it out...I could change and things would get better." Frowning, Jake knew that would never happen. Eli was right; this was about his father's shortcomings, not his own. But the mental abuse ran so deep with Jake now it was hard to undo the conditioning. "My life is a mess, I told you. I never wanted to drag you into this shit. I'm sorry for wrecking tonight."

Eli: "You're the perfect son. You're genuine, hard-working, creative, devoted. You're a parent's dream. You're not the issue. It's all him. He's a selfish and abusive man who could never see your worth." Eli insisted, hoping that at least on some level, Jake would see the logic in it. But it was obvious that Jake was carrying a ton of emotional damage and trauma on his shoulders. "Yo're not dragging me into anything, and you didn't wreck tonight. I'm so glad I know now. I can help you now, be here for you. Help you figure out a way to be safe." Eli wasn't at all sure how to do the last bit; he was the same age as Jake and didn't have his own resources or freedom from his parents. Essentially, he was powerless. But he was so determined to help Jake that no matter how difficult, he was going to find a way to keep his promise. "You've got it rough, incredibly rough. Unfairly so. But this changes nothing for me, when it comes to my feelings for you. This isn't too much for me."

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: didn't feel like himself at all in moments like this. Now more than ever it was humiliating because he had an audience. He knew that Eli wouldn't look down on him but all the same, Jake felt disgusted with himself for allowing his father to reduce him to such a state. He wished he was brave enough to defend himself but Jake didn't see how he could possibly win against a man like his father. His drinking was the source of so much of Jake's pain. Jake was mildly aware of Eli's proximity to him as his eyes closed once more. He let out a shaky breath at the boy's touch, comforted by the gesture though he still felt unsettled. "I don't know why he hates me so much," he said softly, his voice shaking. "I do everything I can for him and it's just...it's never enough. I can't take it. I don't know what else to do," he said, wiping his eyes. "He came home last night, reeking of alcohol again...I didn't even do anything and he started picking a fight. If I defend myself, he gets mad. If I stay quiet, he gets pissed. I can't win!" he cried out in frustration.

Eli: nodded, having all the clarification he needed. A lot of the things Jake said about his dad made sense now. Eli only wished he'd put all of the bits and pieces together earlier, so he might have been able to spare Jake more pain. He couldn't even imagine how it felt to be stuck in a living situation with an abusive parents. Eli's might have been neglectful, but they'd never physically beat him. For Jake, it seemed like he was being hurt in every way imaginable. "You didn't do anything wrong. This is him. He's a bad, horrible person. Hurting you is the absolute worst thing a person could do, let alone a parent. I'm so sorry you've been going through this." Kissing his head gently, Eli took a second before speaking. "You work so hard for him, you're there for him so much and it must feel terrible to have him not only ignore that, but act so cruelly to you in return."

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: blinked back his tears, his anxiety getting the better of him. This was his worst fear, getting found out by Eli. He'd been so good at tiptoeing around the fact that his father was an abusive drunk. Jake trusted Eli more than anyone else but he could never find it within himself to confide in him about this particular facet of his life. Now he was left unprepared and Jake was still trying to come up with ways to deflect and let the matter drop. But he knew it was futile. Eli cared about him far too much to simply push something this major aside. Jake's heart raced unsteadily in his chest as Eli contested his words. "It's okay," he repeated, wanting to reassure Eli that he didn't have to worry quite so much. But it was more than obvious that Eli was justified to. At Eli's stream of questions, Jake closed his eyes and shook his head, memories of his fight with his father coming to mind. It wasn't the first time the man had laid his hands on Jake but it never got any easier to cope with. Jake put his hands over his ears to block everything out. He wasn't trying to be rude to Eli. It was just a habit of his when faced with the flashbacks of his father's wrath. The man claimed he loved him but his actions at times suggested otherwise. "I'm sorry," Jake croaked. As he opened his eyes, tears began to stream down. "I never wanted you to see this, Eli," he insisted, his hands still over his ears like a child. He could only imagine how pathetic he must have looked.

Eli: reached forward and tipped his head against Jake's, letting the boy still keep his hands over his ears. It was a defense mechanism, and Eli wasn't about to judge him for it. The more he thought about this, the more he realized that this obviously wasn't a random tussle with a person he had an argument with. Jake was far too distraught; it had to be something that was consistent and draining to him. Even damaging to his self-esteem. "Shh, no apologies," he whispered, rubbing Jake's neck carefully. A part of Eli already knew who the person hurting Jake was, but he wouldn't speak it aloud and make an accusation unless he was sure. This was a fragile piece of Jake and any information divulged needed to come from him. "Can you tell me what happened? What led to these?" he asked, hoping that the way he phrased his question would make Jake feel more safe in replying.

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: wanted to make the most of their evening together. Between his difficult home life and the media circus that Eli's home had become, getting in quality time like this wasn't always so easy. Despite his injuries, Jake wanted tonight to be like any other they were fortunate enough to get under their belts. The sound of his name leaving Eli's lips in such a fashion made him shiver. He was so lost in it all that for a moment he hadn't fully registered what Eli said. They hadn't gotten to that stage in their relationship and Jake couldn't believe his luck that tonight of all nights would be the one in which they were posed with the chance of taking their relationship to that next and final level. Admittedly Jake had envisioned what it would be like to have sex with Eli but never once did he picture he'd be bruised up. There was no way of saying no to this that wouldn't hurt Eli's feelings or cause suspicion. Jake kissed him back, his mind racing as it tried to come up with some way of backing out. As Eli reached for his shirt, Jake's eyes flashed in warning. Eli was too wrapped up to notice his injuries but Jake knew it was only a matter of time before he caught on. "Eli, please," he tried to interject, shaking his head, shrinking in on himself as if that could undo the sight. Tears sprang to his eyes but Jake refused to let them fall. "It's nothing, I'm alright. I was being stupid...I wasn't careful at work," he said, hating the lie. He doubted Eli would even buy it. Leaning in, Jake placed his hands on either side of Eli's face and kissed him. "Everything's okay. I'm okay, babe."

Eli: shook his head even as Jake held it in his hands, unconvinced. "You're not okay. You're in pain, those have to hurt," he protested. As much as Jake was clearly trying to hide it, Eli could see the emotion showing in his face - the distress, the anxiety, the embarrassment. He never would have guessed that Jake was bombarded with injuries under his shirt. It didn't feel realistic that these would be work related injuries. They looked intentional and specific, as if they'd been placed there on purpose- not by a simple fall with a bad landing. "You're not okay, you're not," he repeated, wracking his brain for some kind of explanation. "Who hurt you? Did you get in a fight with someone? Why didn't you tell me?" he rushed out, each question practically falling on top of the last. "Everyone loves you, who the hell did you get in a fight with?"

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: needed to keep the focus off of his own body and primarily on Eli's. He couldn't say he had any qualms with that, however. Jake would always be willing to cater to Eli no matter what. He never grew tired or used to the ways in which Eli reacted to him. Jake couldn't believe he was even capable of being on Eli's radar, never mind to the point where the boy was somehow counting himself lucky for it. He liked earning high praise from Eli in the bedroom as it was always his mission to leave Eli completely satisfied. Jake's breath caught as Eli's hands ran up his torso but he hoped the pain he felt was disguised as pleasure. "I've got a few things in store," he replied, undoing the button on Eli's jeans and tugging them down. Jake's kisses descended until he was peppering Eli's hips with his mouth and pulling off his jeans altogether. His boxers were the next and final thing to go. Jake groaned and shook his head. "It's really not fair just how perfect you are," he commented, taking a hold of Eli's length and slowly pumping, looking back up at him.

Eli: grinned at the reaction he got out of his boyfriend, smug over the fact that he hardly had to do anything to make him stir. Shifting his hips up enough to help Jake tug the pants lower, he sighed as they were completely gone. Once his bottom half was completely bare, he moaned Jake's name, his eyes shutting tightly. "I want all of you." Sitting up, Eli reached for Jake's neck and pulled him forward harshly, bucking himself up into the other boy's fist. Hastily, he reached for his shirt and tugged it off, overly eager to have all of Jake's skin for himself. Eli's eyes were closed the second he resumed kissing him, making it so he wasn't gazing at his chest. Needing to get a clean breath in, Eli pulled away from Jake's lips and his grip moved to his shoulders. That was when he absentmindedly looked at Jake's torso. From there, his body stilled and his chest tightened. "Jake...?" he questioned, immediately taking his hands off his boyfriend to avoid hurting him. They looked raw, as if they'd only been created within the past day or so. Eli couldn't even fathom what, or who, put the bruises there. "What- where did these come from?"

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: knew that despite how much his body was hurting him now after this latest blowup from his father, he would always crave Eli. Being around the boy never failed to make him temporarily forget just how bad things were for him. But tonight, he still had to remain vigilant. Jake's eyes fluttered closed as Eli's fingers combed through his hair. The boy's touch was electric, making his head swim briefly. He opened his eyes again at Eli's words, lunging for his hands. Saving face, Jake entwined their fingers. "As flattered as I am that to star in your fantasies," he mused. "I've been going crazy all day just wanting to spoil you rotten. I want to make you feel incredible things, Elijah," he whispered, moving his hands up Eli's shirt. Smirking, he slipped them out to remove the garment altogether. Shifting their position, he lowered Eli to the bed and began kissing and nipping his neck and collarbone.

Eli: whined softly when Jake switched their direction for the night, but quickly got over that disappointment as Jake removed his shirt. Arching his back into Jake's chest, he let him kiss over his neck as he pleased, his grasp meandering to Jake's shoulder blades and then to his sides. "How'd I luck out enough to get someone as talented as you? Hobby wise, sure, but I mean more so in this setting," he purred. Wrapping his legs around Jake's, he let himself get carried away by his own impatience and slipped his hands up Jake's torso. Tracing over his nipples, Eli shivered merely at the feel of them under his fingertips. "What're you going to do to me tonight? Got anything in mind?"

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: held his breath briefly as Eli climbed on top of him. Under any other circumstance, this would have been a welcomed sight but given the fact that beneath the layer of his shirt, he was badly bruised, Jake wasn't so sure how he could pull off an uninterrupted night in Eli's bed. He was certainly glad for the alone time but he was mindful of the risk he was running in being with Eli now. All the same, he didn't want to let on that anything was amiss. "Is that so?" he said in a teasing voice, running his hands up Eli's thighs and to his hips, gripping firmly. "Sounds like a great night to me," he continued, tipping up to press a kiss to the boy's mouth.

Eli: instinctively rolled himself down against Jake when his hands tightened on his hips. At this point, Eli wasn't shy about his attraction to Jake. If anything, the more infuriating his parents became, the more determined he was to truly be himself; act on his attraction with no shame. Returning his kiss, Eli smoothed his hands over Jake's hair and then worked his fingers through the strands. "You know what I think about a lot?" he asked, his hand tracing down the front of Jake's shirt, leading to the bottom of it.

[doomsworthy-blog]

Eli: rolled over on top of Jake, straddling his hips as he looked down at him. "My dad's out of town and my mom's at some fancy charity party until...who knows when," he murmured, swooping down to leave kisses over Jake's cheeks and forehead. "So you're staying here until at least midnight, if not longer." If Eli could live with Jake, he truly would, but keeping him secretly inside his room while they had privacy would have to be good enough.

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: They had their reasons and I can live with it. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled you see things differently. It's reassuring, to say the least. Okay, that's fair. I swear I will in time the conversation will happen. That'd be a huge help, thank you.

Jake: It's overwhelming in the best way, isn't it? It doesn't matter what we talk about, you give me a rush.

Eli: No need to thank me, sweetheart. I'll do absolutely anything for you. There's nothing off limits. You mean everything to me.

Eli: I want you forever.

[doomsworthy-blog]

Jake: I know that you're different. You've never given me the vibe that you'd be a jerk or something out of the blue but it still scares me to think that I could lose you one way or another. I've been going through a lot alone and it's like, I dunno. I've never been good with talking about deep stuff. But since we've been hanging out and getting closer, I've been feeling something close to relaxed. I won't lie to you; that thought does cross my mind sometimes. But then that would leave us without each other and that's not something I could handle. But sometimes I do wonder if I'm building this up only to fall short. You've got such an amazing heart, you really do. Some people couldn't promise the kind of patience you're showing me now.

Jake: You could point to anywhere on a map and I'd pack my bags. I could build us a house anywhere, we'd be a-okay. My only requirement is that we don't stay in Toronto so anywhere else is fair game.

Eli: Anyone who couldn't be patient with you on this is a total ass. Yoi deserve the best. All the patience and kindness a person could possibly give you. Okay, how about this: whatever this is, this thing that's been hard to talk about, you don't have to tell me all of it at once. If there's a small, vague bit you want to share, you can tell me and I won't prod you for more. Would that help?

Eli: I really, really...god, you make me so happy. Everything you make me feel is so intense.

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Jake: Yeah. It's happened before and I couldn't take it if it happened again. Not that I'd blame you. Or anyone. Certain things are just too much for people to handle and I can respect that. I mean, yeah, it does suck but I get it. If it's too much for you when I tell you, please be upfront. Right now it's easy to be all in because you don't know the specifics. Anyway, sorry for tainting the talk.

Jake: As long as you're sure. Wherever you decide to go for school, I'll be there. Another city, another country. It doesn't matter.

Eli: Try to think of that as an isolated event because however that panned out, it's not going to repeat itself. You're not tainting the talk at all. I want to be able to just discuss these worries any time, no matter the mood of the conversation. There's only one thing that scares me. I don't want you to hold this in and stress yourself out so much that one day you think something like "maybe I should leave him before he can leave me." I hope you won't ever think that, but if you do, please tell me and let me make you feel better. I'm patient and understand that whatever you can't say right now, there's a reason you can't and it's valid. As long as you want me, I won't be leaving you.

Eli: Anywhere? No restrictions? I could drag you to Zimbabwe and you'd be fine? Not that I'm gonna, but in theory.

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Jake: I just...I dunno, I'm not used to this. Like, the way you talk about me... There's so much I still need to tell you. I promise I'll get there one day.

Jake: Really? You don't want to dorm in college and all of that? I wouldn't want to hold you back from that experience. But I get it, that need to get out and away.

Eli: I'm not going to abandon you once I learn more about you. Has anyone ever done that to you? Because I won't. I can accept anything about you and your life. Even embrace, not just accept.

Eli: Did you forget who you're talking to? I'm antisocial and unpleasant, but you're the exception to that. I want to live with you, only you.