Geekiness and other shit

There's no point to reading this life. Give yourself a better purpose. You're not useless, not a sheep. Keep living.

[dothemath]

The Flower Never Died, It Still is There

The Flower Never Died, It Still is There

I was supposed to write everything in one post, but everything I feel is too much to cram into one, so I’m breaking it into two parts: one for you, K, and one for myself. Inasmuch as I’d like to say that they are one and the same, that’s not quite true. It really is disjoint and that no amount of future gazing will deny the fact that I can only control myself, my emotions and actions.

I miss…

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[dothemath]

Ozymandias

It is easy to just hurt When you’re hurt To push back And demand to be treated better. It is easy, far easier To say that there should only be love Sans the pain, hurt and confusion, To idealize and gloss over the humanity Blinding yourself to flaws And looking solely at the beauty

But I have come to see That the thorns surrounding The beautiful roses form Part and parcel of its beauty. That one cannot…

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[dothemath]

I may be sad.

I may be down.

I may be hurting.

But I’m not going to love you any less.

Will keep trying for you.

For your comfort.

Your warmth.

Your love.

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[dothemath]

Kislap

Sa ilalim ng mga ulap,

Sa kalawakan ng dilim na kalangitan,

Aking tintignan ang mga bitwing kumikinang.

At ako’y napapaisip,

Kung pareho lamang ba ang kanilang kislap,

Kahit na ika’y aking di na masilip.

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[dothemath]

Toxicity

“Even bad guys deserve lawyers too.”

UP Law may have had and definitely far more than its share of infamous and controversial alumni but this statement, far more than teaching in the grand manner, struck with me. Call it naivete, or perhaps a lingering fascination and desire for liberalism, but it’s something that deeply resonated with me.

It might be a response to long lasting traumas and…

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[dothemath]

It is Only the Strong Who Can Afford to be Weak

It is Only the Strong Who Can Afford to be Weak

TW: Self-harm, suicide, depression, fragile masculinity

I was going to kill myself But then my dad cried and bawled his eyes out And stayed by my bedroom door telling me that I am Loved Valued Wanted

Yet I don’t feel any of those things. Hearing all those things from him on my doorstep made me hate myself more on why i feel so differently on why i’m never satisfied with what people give me On why…

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[dothemath]

Surrogacy

Family will be the one you choose, and for the longest while, I’ve often held that I will try to find my family in other people. That to address the inadequacy of my circumstances, I will try to find and develop surrogate parents and siblings to compensate. Or at least, that’s what my therapist told me back then.

I’m inclined to agree. There definitely is a sort of disconnect, of a desire to…

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[dothemath]

A Letter To The Future

A Letter To The Future

To my future kids:

I hope I’ve healed enough from my traumas to be a good father to you. There is so much hurt and pain in my heart that I am afraid that I’ve grown cynical and jaded to love. But I am hopeful, that the bright things in life would allow me to be a better person at the end of the day.  I can only hope and wish that in due time, by the time I have you kids, I have grown and…

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[dothemath]

Cherishing and Yearning

Today, as I finally gave an outlet to pent up yearning and love, I finally grasped what it means to cherish someone. As we held each other, as our lips touched and our hearts tangled with one another, I realize that love is cherishing. I cannot help but feel as I kiss her, over and over, becoming fiercer as we kiss again and again, that I truly and deeply cherish this woman in my arms.

Somehow…

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[dothemath]

Her steps resonated in his ears as she walked out on him, closing the door on a heated argument. He sat down and took out a cigarette. He told her he quit and he’s been quitting but right now he just felt like lighting one. As the stick nears his mouth, he recalls a prior discussion between the two of them and puts it down.

“You really should quit smoking.”

“Can’t help it, it’s how I cope and…

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[dothemath]

Chilling with Kyle

I’ve grown tired of punk songs lately and perhaps have may have finally outgrown my belated emo taste of music. In a world full of anger and sadness, I’ve long held that righteous rage and introspection may best serve as my guide in an uncertain universe. A friend of mine once posited that my problem is that I cared too much,…

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[dothemath]

Musing on Muses

I have a muse as they say. The sole problem is the aforementioned muse doesn’t like being put on a pedestal. And a discussion has brought to my attention that I have been lately making my writings about myself. Which is a fact we shall not contest.

But in the same vein, I can write about the muse and project said feelings, thoughts about her unto her with her not having any of it. Hence the…

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[dothemath]

The Way the Winds Blow

The Way the Winds Blow

There’s a certain question of how far to wager, how far to go, of where I should be going right now. I may have messed up some things and I don’t know what else is there to do but try my best to rectify things as they go.

Semi life update, I’m facing my anxieties recently more head on, with an unfortunate side effect of occasionally lashing out. But I would like to believe I’ve outgrown my…

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[dothemath]

On Faith

The last time I went to church of my own volition, I ended up crying. I was listening to a devout follower on the stage talk in a language I can barely understand of how God led them out of there and how despite her impoverishment and her struggles in life, she kept faith that the Lord will provide, will give succor in distress, will walk with you in your struggles.

I wept.

Others looked at me…

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[dothemath]

No Such Thing as Fate, Only What We Make

The thing about being a fortune teller is that if you’re too good at it, you attract undesired attention. The other thing about being a fortune teller is that if you’re not good at it, you’re not going to keep them coming to you.

Fortunately, I’m not a fortune teller. Or at least, I’d like to say I’m a matchmaker, not some charlatan who’d tell you when you’re going to strike it rich or when Death…

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[dothemath]

Kobayashi Maru of Love

Kobayashi Maru is a fictional scenario in which a no-win scenario is presented to the cadets of the Starfleet Academy. Captain Kirk infamously hacks the scenario to make it winnable, ultimately saying that he doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios. As a contrast, Spock ends his with him sacrificing his ship to save the crew of the Kobayashi Maru and to deflect the Klingons enroute to attack his…

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[dothemath]

Another Day

He sits in his usual spot drinking a cup of tea, his leg casually perched on the opposite chair as a cigarette idly burns in front of him. While the smoke lazily trails in the air, he looks at the passersby, thinking about the bleakness of the uncaring world.

Wrinkles etched on his move and adjust as he cranes his head, looking for company, someone to talk to today. A young street urchin pass by,…

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