@dousajagerbomb-blog - Tumblr Blog

26-01-16

You don't realise how much you've done for me these past few weeks. As I've mentioned I'm not quite right after everything that was already going on, then losing Charlotte. Truthfully, I have been planning a way to take my life and saying my goodbyes. I've felt like this for a while and that things were coming to an end, my time here is done and I was no longer needed. Growing up I always felt like I was here because someone needed me, my purpose in life was to help other people. It's all I've ever done and without that I felt lost. Failing Charlotte is something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life, how ever long that will be. I'm telling you all this because I need you to know what's going on. Although I still feel that way, I want you to know the other night was the first night in years that I actually felt equal. That I wasn't around to help someone or give advice or solve their problems. I felt that I could breathe for a moment and enjoy the company without things being expected of me. I'm never going to be straight forward nor happy go lucky, I will always have that darker shadow in the back of my mind. In the end I may still take my life, but know that it will be for good reason. Thank you for being the reason I still wake up, thank you for bringing two wonderful children into this world who have also become reasons to keep going. And thank you for loving me.

hopeuhaveanicefuckingday-bl-blog

25-01-16

Since leaving Nikki and Philips there had been a roller coaster of emotions and trials. Losing a friend to suicide the week before Christmas was a major trauma and has hit me quite badly. I've taken on the role of support for other friends to deal with this loss. I have also finished my sessions with the councillor, which I do not feel inclined to return as the dynamic in our relationship has changed after a mention of the gentleman I have started to see on a very steady basis. Unsure as to why, but things just seemed to become very uncomfortable and I felt like the bond was lost. Yet another person to let me down after prying into issues that should be left well alone. The gentleman in question is still on the scene, we seem to be going well. We are not as yet established as an official item as due to previous relationships and my lacking mental health, I want to ensure this is something I want to progress with wholeheartedly before causing any more upset to either party. Admittedly I am starting to feel for him and I do enjoy his company greatly, I just don't want to risk any further damage to my already delicate mindsets without due cause. My substance use has reared its ugly head once more, yet this time controlled a lot better than before. I felt I needed a break and to let myself have some small pleasures in life while the rest is a swirling vortex of terror, giving me some highlight in a dreary day. The work situation fluctuates regularly. Some days I love my job role, others I can't wait to get out. Again, this could be due to myself, or it could just be work ethic is the last thing on my mind right now. Currently I am laid on said gentleman friends bed, awaiting a movie and a cuddle, hopefully gaining some sleep as two hours over the past few days that have included college, work, two small children and other irritating events is not sufficient. Here I shall finish and continue with my evening and hopefully log in again soon.

03-12-15

Today has been difficult. Not for any major events, nor tasks that have been set. I am mentally and physically exhausted and I’ve not been sleeping through the night for a good few months now. Nightmares are back in force and the dehydration from a lingering virus is still causing problems, not to mention the hostile environment I'm currently living in. Nikki is busy a lot of the time and seems to have adjusted fairly well to me living here, orderinng me around like she used to, shouting at me to get my possessions, or in her phrasing ‘shit’ out of her house. Philip on the other hand is a lot quieter but makes his snide little remarks when he’s feeling that way out and has also taken a dislike to mine and Lukes friendship. Nothing much I can do about that. Neither of the above mentioned have taken into consideration my mental health, norm physical health for that matter so I’m afraid to say I’m letting it all slide. It’s now come down to moving again either after Christmas or taking a live in job somewhere far away from here and not planning on returning.

Start.

So, as many of my close friends and a few acquaintances are aware, I have been struggling with my mental health over the past few years and this has now become a prominent issue in my day to day life. It has broken down my relationship, severed friendships and this has lead to me losing my home and has cause problems in every area of my life. Recent this has started t affect not only my college course, but now my job which could lead to financial difficulties and dropping out of a course that I love dearly and that I have put my heart and soul into to ensure I excel and am able to go onto degree level before specialising in the industry. So, without waffling on, I plan to keep track of my issues on here and use this as a kinda of self help. If you feel that this may be too dark or uninteresting for you, feel free not to read nor contact me, otherwise feel free to read. This is a personal blog so nothing you can say will change nor affect me.

Need this in my life. #Odessa #sweater #Birminghamhardcore #megalove #need #want #birthdayplease #someonegetmeone

#megalove #birthdayplease #sweater #someonegetmeone #want #need #birminghamhardcore #odessa

Falling apart again.

I'm fine. Honest.

Well, I would be if all you shit stirring, backstabbing, shallow wankers fucked off out of my life.

Isn't this what you wanted?

This still fucking hurts.

underdogs-never-sleep-deactivat

You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?

One of these days, I'll grow up and realize that no matter how much you give them, how much you love them, or how much you promise you'll change, people will just walk away.

I want you to know that.

I miss you. I miss you so.

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Feeling classy.

Can of cider in one hand, a cigarette in the other, wearing trackies and a wife beater vest. Humanity at its finest.

theproductofamurderer

ruoloc

This is someone dying while having an MRI scan. Before you die, your brain releases tons and tons of endorphins that make you feel a range of emotions. Tragically beautiful.