DrBennaSherman

Licensed Psychologist

[drbennasherman]

Making conflict safe

Conflict is unavoidable in a relationship. There exist two separate people, with two separate brains, two different histories, and not always identical needs or wishes. There’s no way, even in the best relationship with the best and most compatible people, for there never to be conflict. In a successful relationship there must be ways to address those occasional conflicts. There needs to be a way for partners safely to engage with rather than avoid conflict. Partners need ways to navigate territory where there is conflict without feeling that they have to sacrifice either safety or self. Let’s look at two different ways of addressing the same conflict.

Scott and Martha were both bright, high achieving professionals. Frankly, they were both used to being right and having their opinions prevail. It was starting to look like a stand-off over the dinner issue. “Scott, of course we’re going to my mom’s for Sunday dinner. That’s been my family’s tradition for years.”
 “Martha, we are not going to your mom’s for Sunday dinner. She serves the least healthy food on the planet and I can hear my arteries screaming when we’re there.” “Oh, Scott, stop being a drama queen. Her menu is traditional, I grant, but it won’t kill you. We will do what we’ve always done and go there for Sunday dinner. Case closed.” “Martha, I cannot believe that you don’t care about my health. How insensitive can you be?”

I think we can all agree that that one went badly. Wherever they end up eating on Sunday, both partners and the relationship have taken a hit. What were the things that went wrong here? First, Martha’s use of the phrase, “of course”, sends the message that there’s only one right answer, and it’s hers. Scott’s declaration that, “we are not going”, is his statement of unwillingness to negotiate. Martha then resorted to name calling (“drama queen”), a demonstration of disrespect that is dismissive of Scott’s point of view. Name calling is always likely to bring down the quality of any discussion. It moves attention to personal insult and moves attention away from the content of the discussion. Martha went further to shut down any discourse by declaring, “We will do what we’ve always done”. Anytime someone pulls this one out it terminates discussion by implying that there is only one right way and it’s the pre-existing model. Any change is wrong and must not be considered. Just in case her intransigence wasn’t clear, she added the “case closed” comment. This relegates Scott to irrelevance. She has communicated that she has no interest in his thoughts or feelings and that they do not influence her. Scott’s attack on Martha’s basic nature, calling her “insensitive”, moved the fight from one about Sunday dinners to one about whether Martha cared about his health. At that point we have partners who have dismissed and accused each other, likely causing significant injury to each of them. They not only haven’t resolved the Sunday dinner question, they’ve demonstrated that disagreeing is painful and dangerous.

Ellie and Andrew handled things differently. “Ellie, Sunday dinners at your mom’s are really tough for me. I know she cooks out of love, but she serves food that leaves me feeling really unwell and uncomfortable.” “Andrew, are you saying you won’t go to my mom’s? I love our traditional Sundays there.” “I know you enjoy that tradition, and I don’t want you to give it up. What would you think about cutting it back to every other Sunday instead? Or maybe we could skip the dinner sometimes but show up for coffee and dessert? Would that work okay for a compromise?” “Well, I’ll admit that her old country recipes are really not all that healthy, and who still cooks with lard? What if she let me bring a vegetarian entree and we ate some of hers too; would that work?” “That would be great! I love your family and that would let us continue tradition AND be healthy.”

In Ellie and Andrew’s case there was a clear intention on both partners’ parts to be sensitive and generous. They started with a willingness to compromise and to be flexible and with a commitment to their partner’s needs. Neither one needed to win, so they both did. Martha and Scott fight to win, so someone has to lose. For Martha and Scott, only one person at a time could have a voice. The other partner’s voice had to be silenced. For Ellie and Andrew, both partners had voices that were solicited and respected. If a fight has a winner and a loser, then the relationship loses. In a safe relationship, each partner must carry a commitment to the survival of the partner’s point of view as well as to their own.

[drbennasherman]

Love and Acceptance

Leonard and Moira had been married for 16 years.  Moira used to say that Leonard was her soul mate, the one who was cosmically provided to complement her core self.  Leonard had described Moira as his missing half, the one who completed him. Moira would reflect that when she would get overwhelmed with anxiety about the future, Leonard’s lighthearted way of cruising through life’s challenges would rescue her.  When she was paying the bills and worrying about whether there would be enough money next month, Leonard would grab her around the waist and dance her around the room, singing at the top of his lungs about love being enough forever.  She would laugh and find herself believing him.  Her heart felt lighter.   Leonard would say that Moira was the solid ground he needed to keep from floating away on a sea of unrealistic thinking.  He’d be spinning fantasies about starting a worm farm in Kansas, when she’d remind him that he hated worms and was already committed to his new import/export business.  He’d pull her into his lap and, laughing, thank her for saving him from himself. At least they used to say these things.  Now, they were more likely to be found complaining about each other. She’d complain that she couldn’t get Leonard to take things seriously, that he refused to worry about anything.  She was anxious that he was never anxious.  Couldn’t he see that life required worrying about things if you were going to prevent disasters?  In fact, she thought about such things a lot, convinced that to worry about bad things happening was the way to prevent bad things from happening.  It made her crazy that Leonard was just sure that everything would be fine.  When she wanted to double their life insurance, he argued for spending that money on an anniversary cruise to Greece. Leonard was feeling so stifled.  He could feel middle age coming on and was itching to do exciting things before the opportunities were no longer there for him.  Why couldn’t Moira see that life was for living and enjoying?  She never seemed to enjoy herself, spending her “leisure” hours poring over retirement planning materials.  If it was up to her, they’d be old before they were ever young.  He’d come up with wonderful plans for things they could do together (backpack through Europe for a month over the summer, spend a summer on a kibbutz in Israel, spend Christmas and New Year’s in Tahiti) and she’d shoot down all his plans.  It was demoralizing and he was increasingly resentful. What happened?  How did they get from where they started out together to where they were now?  How did they change so much? The truth of course was that they hadn’t changed much at all.  She simply became more thoroughly what she had been all along—serious, anxious, a planner and worrier, grounded in realistic thinking, future-focused, and committed to her security.  These were all qualities that he had either valued or found endearing.  They hadn’t changed, but his feelings about them had. He had become even more of a dreamer, the eternal optimist, unconstrained by realistic thinking and energized by ideas that pushed the edge of the envelope.  The very qualities that had attracted her because they pulled her out of her stolid realism were now provoking tremendous anxiety in her.  He hadn’t changed in any substantive ways, but her feelings about his core qualities had been tempered by the stressors of everyday life. But when they were guided to talk about what they admired and respected in each other, about what they relied on in each other, they reconnected with what had attracted them to each other in the first place. She admitted that if he didn’t insist on some fun in their lives, she’d do nothing but work and worry.  And she volunteered that he was still the most fun and funny person that she knew.  She said that he was the only one who could make her laugh when stupid and frustrating things piled up on her.  She said that sometimes she thought that just maybe he might be right that life shouldn’t always be so serious.  And she admitted that she’d loved the cruise to Greece and would treasure those memories forever. He acknowledged that left to his own devices he’d be broke, that he would never have been able to open his own business, and that if she didn’t worry about everything, he’d be forced to pay attention to the details of grown up life, which he hated and wasn’t good at.  He knew that he wouldn’t end up eating cat food during his retirement, that they’d be able to travel together to beautiful places, and that he’d be able to buy that sailboat of his dreams because she fussed over their investments. They stopped, mostly, trying to change each other.  She’d still occasionally try to get him to worry; he’d occasionally attempt to sweet talk her into ignoring realistic issues.  But mostly they smiled tolerantly at each other’s idiosyncrasies, knowing that these very things were why they really were meant for each other.  They came together, gradually but lovingly, to forgive each other for what they weren’t and to love each other for what they were.  

[drbennasherman]

Festina lente

Festina lente -- literally, make haste slowly; per Navy SEALs-- slow is smooth and smooth is fast

[drbennasherman]

Those who think they have no time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.

Edward Stanley

[drbennasherman]

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. God Himself is not secure, having given man dominion over His works! Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold. Faith alone defends. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.”

Helen Keller

[drbennasherman]

"To change your life; -Start immediately -Do it flamboyantly -No exceptions"

—William James (1842-1910)

[drbennasherman]

Love is a verb

Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone;

it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.

-- Ursula LeGuin

We all want to be loved. We all want to fall in love. We want to be in loving relationships.

It’s easy to believe if you fall in love that you will be loved. It’s easy to believe that if you’re in a relationship that you’ll be loved.

It turns out to be more complicated. It turns out that relationships take work.

Falling in love can happen effortlessly, can happen either fast or slowly, with intention or without. Relationships on the other hand take attention and effort and time; and they can only happen intentionally.

Falling in love is mostly about how another person makes YOU feel.

Loving someone is mostly about caring how that other person feels.

That means, first of all, thinking about that other person. Then it means that you care more about that other person’s feelings/wishes/needs than about your own. Finally, your choices and your behavior are now influenced by what you understand about your partner’s feelings.

That’s the most important part -- love is about what you DO.

Falling in love can feel like something that happens to you. Relationships are something that you make happen. To make it even tougher, relationships can only survive and thrive when you keep doing the things that make them healthy and resilient.

It’s not good enough to do it right once, especially at the very beginning when it’s easy.

Relationship success requires persistent consciousness and effort.

Here’s the real kicker -- in order to GET, you have to GIVE. It’s not just about feelings; it’s about actions.

Here are five actions that you can take to nurture your relationship and to make it more likely that you will have the love you want:

❤ SAY something loving to your partner every day.

(“You look beautiful/handsome today.” “You made a great dinner.”  “You are a really good mom/dad.” “You are such a hard worker.”)

❤ DO something kind for your partner every day.

(Bring a cup of coffee or tea in the morning or after work. Offer to pick up the dry cleaning/ get the groceries/ take the dog to the vet, etc.)

❤ ASK about your partner’s day. Also ask about tomorrow.

(“How was your day?”  “How did that thing go that you were worried about?”  “What’s your day look like tomorrow? Easy? Hard? Unpredictable?” “How’s that project coming at work? At school? With the kids?”  “How do you think your mom’s surgery/ dad’s appointment/ sister’s court case is likely to go?”)

[NOTE: be sure to pay attention to the answers to your questions. Those answers let you know what you should be asking about tomorrow.]

❤ BE present. To nurture and support a relationship it is necessary to have some amount of time when the two of you are present AND engaged with one another.

Being in the same house or at the same party but not engaged with each other is not good enough. Engagement is the key to being present in a meaningful way.

❤ LISTEN to your partner. One of the most powerful ways to nurture a connection is to listen actively and with a commitment to understanding.

Commit ALL your attention to your partner (no TV, no cell phone, no newspaper, etc.). Make eye contact. Orient your body toward your partner.

Listening is a powerful way to communicate a wish to be together. And when you LISTEN well, often, and effectively, then you also know how to SAY, DO, ASK, and BE in the ways that your partner will experience as loving.

Love isn’t just something you have. It’s something you do. Today, tomorrow, and every day, if you’re lucky.

[drbennasherman]

The FDA has approved Vyleesi, which supposedly increases sexual desire in women. It won't work--low desire in most women is not a biological problem to be fixed.

The FDA has approved Vyleesi, which supposedly increases sexual desire in women. It won't work--low desire in most women is not a biological problem to be fixed.

[drbennasherman]

“Love is the absence of judgment.”

― 14th Dalai Lama

One of the most basic wishes we have as human beings is to be loved unconditionally. We want to be known, accepted, and affirmed.

Making this tricky is that, as human beings, our behavior is not necessarily always lovable.

Imperfect human beings can be hard to love perfectly. And imperfect human beings love imperfectly.

The goal then is simply to do the best that you can — to be conscious of when you’ve lapsed into a judgmental attitude, to make a commitment to change that attitude as soon as you become aware of it, to work at replacing judgment with acceptance.

Connie wanted Joey’s party to be perfect. She felt that four was when he’d really start appreciating a birthday party and she’d been planning it for months. The cake alone had gone through 12 sketches before she’d even bought ingredients. The planning had become so complex that it had started to resemble a military campaign more than a four year old’s party. Her second-in-command, her husband, Craig, was at this very moment at the party store picking up decorations. His list had been long and explicit, but he’d saluted (literally) and gone off with a smile to complete his mission.

Connie had just started mixing the food coloring for the icing for layer 2 of the cake when Craig arrived home. Bringing in the decorations required multiple trips out to the car. He’d brought in everything and spread it out in the living room for Connie’s inspection. He was feeling quite proud of himself and he was eager to receive Connie’s praise for his achievements. There were four things on Connie’s list that he’d been unable to find and he’d done what he thought was a very creative job of finding substitutes.

He presented himself to Connie, again saluted (with a grin), and invited her to come out and inspect his “spoils of war”. She laughed, wiped her hands on her apron, and followed him out to the living room.

She looked over every single item, comparing it to her master list. When she got to the four substitutions she stopped in her tracks. She looked at the items, looked at her list and confirmed that they were not what she’d specified, and looked at Craig. It only took her raising one eyebrow for him to interpret accurately her question.

“I know, but I couldn’t find the rest of the stuff in Spiderman, and I knew that you didn’t want me to come home without it, so I found Superman.” He was so clearly pleased with himself for what he thought was a clever solution.

Connie was horrified. How could Craig not know that Joey was a devoted Spiderman fan?! He’d lost interest in Superman a year ago. The whole theme of the party was Spiderman! She saw her perfect party plan starting to fall apart at the seams. All of her attention to the smallest detail, and Craig thought you could just plug in any old superhero. Her jaw clenched, her stomach knotted, and she found herself really angry at Craig for what he’d done. How could he be so clueless? How could he have let her down like this? Was he just too lazy or indifferent to have done it right?

She started to say something harsh and critical, but when she looked at Craig she stopped. He was so proud of what he’d done. He thought that he’d cleverly solved a problem, not created one. He was holding up a Superman centerpiece and reminiscing about how Joey had worn his red cape continuously for weeks except when Connie had insisted on washing it.

Connie remembered too. Suddenly she was aware of how warm and loving Craig looked and sounded when he talked about Joey.

She shook her head to clear it. She willfully reoriented her thinking to focus on what was good and kind about Craig and what he’d done. She wasn’t any happier about the Superman stuff; and she wasn’t happy that Craig didn’t get why it was wrong. But she was able to commit herself, at least for that moment, to replace a harsh judgment of Craig with an authentic appreciation of his intentions and a loving acceptance of the person that he was. Her jaw unclenched and her stomach unknotted. It was funny — she felt better when she let it go. She thanked Craig, gave him a hug, winced when she spotted the Superman banner, and reminded herself that good intentions really did matter.

[drbennasherman]

Living in the here and now

Rhonda was sitting at the table with a cup of tea when Philip walked into the kitchen.  

“What if Ellen’s preschool teacher—what’s her name again?—decides to leave after she gets married?  Ellen will be so upset; she really loves whatshername.”  His face was clearly troubled.

Rhonda looked up from her teacup and frowned.  “What are you talking about?  She only just told the class on Friday that she got engaged.”

“But what if they decide to elope and what if she gets pregnant right away?  She might not want to keep teaching.  Or what if her new husband gets a job in another state?”  She could see his anxiety mounting rapidly.

“Philip, get a grip.  Even if any of those things were to happen, you can’t influence or control any of it.”  This only seemed to make him more anxious.

“But Ellen would be so sad.”  His face was so sad for Ellen’s projected sadness that she couldn’t help but be touched.  She spoke gently.

“That’s probably true.  She adores Miss Frebush.  But you still can’t change it.  IF it happens, we’ll just have to deal with it then.  It’s not like there’s anything to do now to prepare for something that might not even happen ever.”

“But her little face would get all scrunched up and sad.”  Rhonda smiled lovingly at her husband, whose own face was scrunched up sympathetically.

“Philip, you are a wonderful and sensitive father; and I love that about you.  But Ellen will get over it, IF it happens.  We’ll just have to deal with it then.  And there’s no functional value to worrying now about then.”

“I suppose you’re right.  But are you sure we shouldn’t be prepared somehow?”  He looked at her hopefully, wanting there to be something he could do to protect his beloved daughter from life’s disappointments and losses.

Rhonda frowned thoughtfully.  “I’m not sure what you have in mind, Philip.  You can’t either predict or control Miss Frebush’s plans.  You have no idea what she may in fact end up doing.  Right now Ellen is all excited for her favorite teacher; she’s happy.  It would seem pretty stupid to make her UN-happy now to prepare her for some eventuality that may never happen.”

“Well, when you put it that way, it does sound pretty stupid.”  He seemed embarrassed.

“You are a sweetie, Philip, to worry about Ellen’s feelings.  And if something happens, with Miss Frebush or anything else, that makes her unhappy, I know you’ll be there to comfort her at the time.  We both will be.  In the meantime, how about we all just enjoy the moment?”  She spoke encouragingly, hoping to free him from his worry.

“You think I’m silly, don’t you?”  

“No, I think you’re sweet.  And when your worrying helps us to prepare in some useful way for something, I value it -- like when you made sure that we had new batteries for all the smoke detectors and emergency flashlights.  That was useful.   It had a functional purpose.  But this is different.  Worrying in this case accomplishes nothing except to make you feel bad now.  It takes something away and gives nothing in return.  That’s what I think is silly.”  She smiled at him affectionately to lighten the tone of her words.  He listened and thought about what she was saying, forced to agree with her assessment.

“So what do you suggest I do when the worry comes?  My imagination does tend to work overtime you know,” he said ruefully.

She stood up and walked over to him.  She put her arms around him and hugged him.

“I suggest that you exhale slowly and deeply, breathing out all your worry, and remind yourself that whatever happens we can deal with it then.”

“Well, that makes sense.  It’s what we’d do anyway.”  His frown relaxed as he hugged her back.  “So my new mantra is ‘relax, we’ll deal’.  What do you think?”  He smiled down at her upturned face.  She smiled back, kissed him, and was pleased for this moment of peace.  She knew that the worry would revisit him; it was his nature.  But she was hopeful that he’d remember his way back to “relax, we’ll deal”.

[drbennasherman]

Bad choices

It has once again come up in my office. One partner is anxious and angry about the other partner’s life choices. It’s usually about one of, or both of, two things — eating and exercise.

It typically looks like this — Partner A makes healthy eating choices and/or exercises regularly. Partner B doesn’t. This makes Partner A anxious because those choices make for a potentially shorter and less healthy life for Partner B. That shorter and less healthy life for Partner B also makes for a potentially less easy, less secure, and less happy life for Partner A. So Partner A becomes angry at Partner B for making those choices. To Partner A they are simply and obviously bad choices. From Partner A’s point of view, they are bad for BOTH partners. Therefore Partner A feels entitled to influence Partner B’s choices.

Partner A typically starts out by attempting to be persuasive. This might involve sharing information, like the American Heart Association’s recommendations, or sharing research, like that found on NutritionFacts.org. The hope is that an intelligent partner will of course be independently persuaded to make the proper choices. This sometimes is effective.

If that fails the next step may be for Partner A to plead with Partner B to make the good choices. If Partner B is committed to Partner A and the relationship, this might result in some demonstrations of change and compliance with Partner A’s wishes. These changes, if they happen, may be significant and permanent; or they may be short-lived and superficial.

If that step doesn’t result in the kinds of “good” and sustained choices that Partner A was seeking, the next step is likely to be anger and resentment. Partner A may feel that Partner B is willfully making choices that are hurtful to Partner A, thereby demonstrating a lack of caring and consideration.

Further persistence by Partner A is likely at this point to create more resistance and resentment in Partner B. Partner B may feel that autonomy and independence have no place in this relationship, that only “approved” choices are permitted. Partner B now feels disrespected. So now it’s Partner B who feels a lack of consideration from Partner A. At this point the problem in the relationship isn’t really about eating and exercise, or any other choices. Now it’s a problem of parity. One partner doesn’t feel respect or acceptance, autonomy or consideration. Is there really only room for one partner’s choices in this relationship?

Sure, healthy eating and regular exercise are good for people. That’s not really open for debate. And that’s not the issue on the table, not really.

The issue is how two people can share a relationship when there are different choices being made about one or both of these things.

Loving someone includes accepting that they are free to make choices different from yours, even if those choices make you anxious. Your anxiety is yours to manage. Your partner is not yours to manage.

Partners can acknowledge all the health information in the world and still choose to make choices incongruent with that information. They can say that the pleasure of the less healthy eating is worth a shorter lifespan, or that exercise is torture and makes life less worth living. You don’t have to feel the same way or agree with the choice. You do have to accept that a competent adult is entitled to make his or her own choices.

Yes, you are affected by your partner’s choices. You do not therefore have the right to make those choices for your partner or punish your partner for making those choices. Your task is to reconcile yourself to loving someone despite those choices.

If you can’t do that, your love has become conditional and controlling.

You don’t own your partner. You do have to own and manage yourself.

[drbennasherman]

Love and Anxiety

Melissa was excited and terrified. Her friends had talked her into celebrating her 30th birthday by going skydiving. Breakfast had been an absolute no-go. Her anxiety went up even further when she had to sign all the liability waivers at the front desk of Jumpin’ Beans. Her anxiety went down a lot when her tandem diver was explaining how he was going to keep her safe. It didn’t hurt that he had the bluest eyes she’d ever seen or that he was strong, clearly experienced, and knowledgable.

Melissa survived the jump and gave Eric, her tandem partner, a very enthusiastic “thank you” hug and kiss. Her enthusiasm extended to giving him her phone number when he asked for it.

Fast forward a year. The wedding was lovely and included those original girlfriends and all of Eric’s skydiving friends. Eric graciously accepted Melissa’s rejection of his idea to do an adventure honeymoon. He enjoyed the beach trip they did instead and never pressured Melissa to skydive again.

Fast forward another year. Eric was on his way out of the house for his latest skydiving event. This one was purely for fun with six of his friends. A seventh friend was going to video them while they completed a new in-air trick.

Melissa stopped him at the door. “Eric, why are you doing this? It really makes me nervous.”

“Relax, honey, it’ll be fine. These guys are all experienced professionals. We’re just going to have fun.” Melissa smiled wanly and hugged him back. She spent the afternoon cleaning as a way of burning off her anxious energy.

A month later Melissa overheard Eric on the phone with the same group of guys. They were planning another get-together. She cringed when she heard the word “jump”.

That evening, when they were snuggled together on the couch, Melissa brought up the phone call.  Eric shared all the details, including all the measures taken to ensure everyone’s safety.

Melissa said, “I really wish you’d find a different activity. This one makes me so anxious.”

Eric said, “Honey, you know I love skydiving. It’s been my passion since I did my first jump when I was 12. You know I’m very well trained and a professional. I’ve got this.”

“But, Eric, every time you jump I get so nervous. What if something ever happened to you?”

“Melissa, truly, it’s way riskier when you drive to work than when I jump out of airplanes. I wouldn’t ask you not to drive to work.”

“But, Eric, you could choose to do something that doesn’t make me anxious. How about golf? Golf’s good. People love golf.”

Eric’s groan was loud and heartfelt. “Babe, you’re killing me. You might as well suggest that I take up knitting. I know people like to knit. YOU like to knit. I like to jump out of airplanes.”

Melissa looked disappointed but also irritated. “Why won’t you do this for me, Eric?”

“Melissa, when you met me I was working at Jumpin’ Beans. Ever since then you’ve known that I go skydiving on a regular basis. You’ve always known that it’s a big part of my life. Other than being with you, it’s my favorite thing to do. It’s who I am.”

Eric gave Melissa a hug and went back to planning the next big jump with his friends.

Melissa stayed on the couch and just tried to process the conversation. Her first thought was, “Why would he want to make me nervous?” That was quickly dismissed, since she trusted that he would never set out to make her nervous.

Her mind next went to, “Why won’t he stop doing something that he knows makes me nervous?” That made her think back to what he’d just said— “It’s who I am.”

He was right, of course, that she’d known ever since she’d met him that this is what he did. She’d learned since then how important it was to him. If something was that important to him, even his sense of his identity, how could it be fair for her to ask him to stop doing it?

She acknowledged to herself at that moment that knowing how important it was to him didn’t allay her anxiety one iota. So she was faced with accepting that loving him meant living with this part of him; and that meant that she’d have to deal with her own anxiety every time he jumped.

She smiled to herself when she realized that one of the ways that Eric showed his love for her was by being tolerant of her anxiety. He didn’t have an anxious bone in his body, but he never busted her for her worrying. And he never pushed her to do something that made her anxious.

It all seemed to fit together now in her mind. It all seemed fair. Getting him to stop jumping didn’t seem fair, even if it did make her uncomfortable. She’d have to work on managing her anxiety, not on getting him to stop doing something he loved. Maybe someday he’d take up golf instead…

[drbennasherman]

What do you do with the mad that you feel?

(the title of a Mr. Rogers song © 1968)

We naturally think of Mr. Rogers, Fred Rogers, as creating songs for children, which he certainly did.  He wanted to help them to validate and to manage their feelings. But Mr. Rogers knew that grown-ups needed to hear the same messages. Adults need help too to validate and manage their feelings, especially when those feelings are intense.

When feelings are intense they can take over your brain, leaving you without the ability to think about them, control them, express them clearly, or act on them in a safe or productive way. This is all especially true when you’re mad. Feeling angry, whether it’s for a good or a bad reason, causes a whole cascade of things to happen in your body and brain.

Feeling angry can trigger the “fight” part of the fight or flight reflex. Your sympathetic nervous system kicks into action. It’s your activation system. Among other things it floods your body with cortisol, a form of adrenaline. This readies your body for the “fight”. This is an ancient and primitive system, so “fight” means ready to fight a physical threat, like a bear. This system is way too primitive to understand the difference between fighting a bear for your physical survival versus fighting your partner verbally. Your body is revved up for the physical fight for your physical safety.

The most evolved part of your brain, the neocortex, is considered irrelevant at that time to your physical survival, so it goes dim. We can actually observe this on a brain scan. This part of your brain is useful for long term thinking and planning, for paying attention to other people’s feelings, for being able to think in bigger and more complex ways. Fight or flight is about surviving right now and nothing else matters.

This sympathetic activation is very practical for fighting off a bear. It is quite problematic in a relationship. You can survive or dominate in this moment only to be left with the damage that you caused to your partner and your relationship.

Mr. Rogers was always committed to helping children validate their feelings as well as control them. He would not have said that “the mad that you feel” is bad or wrong. His song is about feeling that you can control what you do with “the mad”. He wanted children to feel empowered, confident, and safe. Safe included feeling safe to have and to express feelings.

As adults that same sense of safety still matters. We all have intense feelings. We all need to feel that we can be safe to have them and to express them.

There is a very effective, very immediate way to flip your brain and body FROM your sympathetic nervous system TO your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system is the calm, relaxed, low and slow activation side. It’s the side of your nervous system that permits full access to the neocortex part of your brain. It’s the part of your brain that lets you think in an evolved, reasoning way.

Here’s how to flip that switch. I call it the Slow Deep Exhale (SDE). It’s often called “instant relaxation” in the literature.

Don’t worry about your inhale; you have plenty of air already for this trick.

Breathe out through gently pursed lips. Don’t blow; just breathe. Purse your lips as if you have a straw there. This slows your breathing and deflects you from the events that are inciting you.

Keep breathing out for 4-6 seconds.

That’s the whole thing. It’s a maneuver that instantly tells your brain that there is no physical threat to your survival. That allows your brain to de-activate that survival system that got all fired up to protect you.

For extra persuasion to the primitive parts of your brain, be sure to lower and open your shoulders. They inevitably went up when you went into fight or flight. Lowering and opening them also communicates to the primitive part of your brain that you’re not in physical danger. That frees your brain to exit fight or flight and reconnect with reasoning and control.

Depending on how activated you became, you certainly might need to do more than one Slow Deep Exhale to fully reconnect with reason and control and stay in the best part of your mind. Doing the Slow Deep Exhale might only allow you to walk away from the “fight” rather than pursue it right then and there. Sometimes not doing damage is the best you can hope for at that moment.

The more you practice the Slow Deep Exhale when you’re NOT in fight or flight, the faster and more efficiently you can execute it when you are triggered.

Practice is the smoothest path to control. Here’s to empowerment!

[drbennasherman]

Being a good gift giver

When we talk about gift giving we often say, “It’s the thought that counts.” That’s trickier than it sounds. The nature and quality of the thought counts too.

There are thoughts that sound positive but may in fact prove to be bad guidance. Thoughts like, “I liked it, so she will.” Or, “It’s expensive, so it’s a good gift.” Or, “I’d like someone to do this for me.” Or, “My sister got this and loved it.”

There’s a great old comic strip in which Dennis the Menace is shopping for a Mother’s Day gift and buys his mom a baseball glove. He loves his mom; he loves baseball; so he figures she’d love a baseball glove. It’s not bad math, but it’s bad gift giving.

There is some good guidance to be found in “the thought that counts.” That’s when the thought isn’t about some abstract value, like price, or about what random people like, or what the giver likes. The thought that really counts is when it’s all, and only, about the recipient.

Don wanted to get Liza a 20th anniversary present that she’d love, one that would tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to be sure that he was getting the right thing, so he’d started polling other people for guidance. His partner at work had waxed poetic about the Coach handbag she was seeing on celebrities. His hairdresser was nearly drooling when she talked about the Jimmy Choos she’d been eyeing. His dad said you couldn’t go wrong with a savings bond. His sister said that jewelry was always a safe choice.

He’d started taking note of the things in Liza’s closet. There were several handbags in a corner on the floor, two of which said Coach. There were no Jimmy Choos as far as he could tell; but he noticed that, other than two pairs of heels, everything else was athletic wear. He was completely confident that his dad’s idea was a terrible one for an anniversary gift.

When she wasn’t around he looked in her jewelry box on the dresser. There wasn’t much in it; and he realized that she only ever wore her wedding ring and a pair of gold hoop earrings. The pearls he’d gotten her for her birthday last year were still there; and he didn’t remember ever seeing her wear them after that birthday dinner.

He thought about getting her a gift certificate to the trainer that he really liked, but he couldn’t remember her ever saying anything about wanting to work with a trainer.

He was coming up empty. He wanted the gift to be something she’d get really excited about.

He was about to call her sister to ask for ideas, but he had to be sure that she wasn’t in earshot. He started looking around to find out her whereabouts. He heard something in the basement, so he went to look.

He found her sitting on the floor in her workshop, cursing, surrounded by pieces of something and a whole bunch of tools. When she saw him she said, “Dammit, Don, I’ve lost my socket set again. How the heck does a socket set just wander off?” She laughed at herself and started scouring her workshop for the missing set. He’d seen this before. She was always misplacing her bits and pieces. He knew he’d be no help, since he knew nothing about tools and wouldn’t recognize a socket set if he tripped over it. So he wandered back upstairs.

It was at the top of the stairs when he had his epiphany. He made a bee-line to his computer and Google. He’d seen “Craftsman” on some of the things in her workshop, so he started searching with that word. He then found the word “workstation”.

Bingo! The top of the line Craftsman Workstation would be arriving in plenty of time for their anniversary.

The behemoth arrived and he had it safely stowed in the shed under a tarp. Recognizing the impossibility of gift wrapping it, he settled for the biggest red bow that he could find at Michael’s.

On the big day his brother helped him get it into her workshop before she got up. He hugged and kissed her good morning, wished her a happy anniversary, and directed her to the basement.

Her eyes got as big as saucers as she gasped at the sight. Then she started her happy dance, clapping her hands like a delighted child. She gave him a huge hug and then started pulling open every drawer. There were many drawers and many hugs.

It was not a conventional anniversary gift; and it wasn’t one that he’d enjoy. Nonetheless it was obviously a gift that was a thoughtful match to the recipient. That made it the perfect gift, one where the thought really did count.

[drbennasherman]

Be my ValenKind

Traditionally “Be my Valentine” would be an invitation to a romantic duo. The iconic red heart would be the symbol of this romance.

What if we think about this symbol, the heart, as not being limited to a romantic liaison. What if we think about this heart as being a symbol of love in a broader context.

What if we broaden the whole idea to be one of kindness to others.

Yes, I have just moved for a day to celebrate and practice kindness.

What? You say we don’t need another “silly” holiday? In this February alone, we will have, among many others, Wave all your fingers at your neighbor Day (2/7/19) and Toothache Day (2/9/19).

I would like to suggest that we need a Kindness Day. It seems really obvious to me that a day devoted to love is a perfect day to devote to kindness.

We are living in a cultural environment that has become mean spirited, self-centered, and aggressive. The antidote, of course, is kindness.

I’ve already seen advertised a sweatshirt that says, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.”

There are schools that are recognizing that we need to teach our children from very young the importance that we place on kindness, whether to “foster the positive behavior that creates warm and inclusive school environments,” or “to reduce bullying”.

What better way to teach our children than to model it? And what better way to communicate that it’s important than to assign a whole day to celebrating and demonstrating kindness?

Think about it — we could have whole families making plans for how to celebrate Kindness Day. Maybe it’s to bring in your neighbor’s trash cans or her newspaper. Maybe it’s to take treats over to the dogs across the street, or cookies to the First Responders at your neighborhood Fire or Police station. Maybe it’s to let your little sister play with your Legos or to let your brother play with your PlayDoh.

Let’s think bigger — maybe it’s a day to contact your Senators and Congresspeople to support kindness to an underserved group or to have a fundraiser for something you consider a worthy cause.

There’s already a sweatshirt for it. Let’s add silicone bracelets with hearts on them and the words, “Be kind” and “Happy Kindness Day”.

What if the candy companies added wording to the gift box that said, “Share this”. What if florists sold bunches of flowers designed to be individually given away; what if there was a bunch specially priced specifically to be given away to complete strangers or delivered to people you don’t know who are in the hospital.

I have to share with you that this column has been an awful lot of fun to write. The ideas are just so easy to come up with and they feel so good.

I am very fortunate to have husband, children, grandchildren, and wonderful friends with whom I can share very traditional Valentine’s wishes. But we all have the opportunity to be kind, whether you have a traditional Valentine or if you don’t know a soul. Kindness isn’t and can’t be dependent on someone being important to you. Kindness in its purest form is given without any expectation of recognition or credit and without direct benefit to you.

It can be financially generous or not cost a cent. Find what works for you, and be kind.

Happy Kindness Day! ❤️

[drbennasherman]

It’s about remembering

Remember when you first fell in love with your partner? Take a minute, right now, to stop being in the here and now, and go back to then and there. Really go there — call up the sights, the sounds, the smells, how your body felt, how your mind spun.

Remember how those feelings were bigger and more important than anything else?

Remember thinking that you would do anything for this person? That you wanted to do whatever he or she needed? That this person’s feelings — wants, needs, fears — could be more important than your own feelings?

Before you dismiss those thoughts as foolish or naive, stop and consider that what they really were was honest and heartfelt.

Has your mind now switched to remembering all the things that have happened since then that have made you feel way less generous towards your partner? All the times that your partner behaved in ways that disappointed you or hurt your feelings or scared or worried you?

Reality shouldn’t be ignored or dismissed. I’m not suggesting that you forget the imperfect or bad stuff that has happened. Those memories are potentially important for planning, for keeping yourself safe, for moving forward in your relationship in one way or another.

No, I’m not suggesting that you forget all the time in between the beginning and now. I’m suggesting that you remember the beginning. It’s at that time in the relationship that you saw and prioritized the best parts of your partner. It’s when you felt most generous and accepting of your partner. Those perspectives may have been facilitated by some exciting biochemistry, but they were founded on the best parts of both of you.

Sally and Mark had been married for 15 years. They’d been together for two years before that. It was and had been overall a good and solid marriage that they’d both found satisfying. As with most relationships of that duration — filled with life, children, work, and friends — prioritizing the relationship wasn’t always the default.

Sally and Mark had spent the weekend with Sally’s sister, Brenda, and her brand new husband, Andy. They were just back from their honeymoon and were eager to share their experiences and their photos.

Brenda and Andy had hooked up a laptop to the big screen TV in Sally and Mark’s family room and were enthusiastically narrating the slideshow. Sally and Mark thought it was very endearing that Brenda and Andy not only sat hip-to-hip but also held hands during the whole thing, occasionally interrupting the narration to kiss.

When Brenda started coughing, Andy jumped up to get her a glass of water. When Andy realized that he’d left his glasses in the car, Brenda jumped up to go get them for him. When they were all trying to decide about what to order in, Brenda and Andy simultaneously said, “Whatever you want, sweetie.”

Later that evening, when Sally and Mark were alone together, they were talking about how sweet new love was. The conversation shifted to talking about their week ahead and how full it was for each of them separately.

Inspired by Brenda and Andy, Mark said, “Hey, Sally, how about coming with me when I drive those documents over to the other office? It would be fun to have a road trip together.”

Sally’s immediate reaction was to say, “Oh, I have so much to do on Monday.”

She saw the disappointment on Mark’s face. Having just spent time with Brenda and Andy, she too was more mindful of how much time she and Mark spent apart instead of together.

Sally smiled and said, “It can all wait til later in the week. I’d love to road trip with you.”

Mark’s smile was broad and very rewarding to Sally. It was lovely to feel that time with her was so special for Mark. For Mark it felt very elevating to have Sally choose him over everything else on her plate for that day. For both of them it felt like a return to the early days of their relationship. It felt good to both of them to reconnect with that earlier way of prioritizing each other and time together.

The partner or the relationship can’t always be the priority. It’s important however that it sometimes is. Back at the beginning you were eager to do for your partner. It was easy and satisfying to “do anything” for your partner. It’s important for the current health and the future of the relationship that you don’t lose sight of that attitude. Take a minute to remember.

[drbennasherman]

5 Gifts for Your Partner for the New Year

The big yearly holidays are over. It’s time to look forward to the year just begun. Whatever gifts you and your partner may have exchanged for those holidays, with more or less success, here are some guaranteed-to-be-successful gifts for the New Year.

(Note— these same ideas apply to friends and relatives, anyone with whom you have a close or special relationship.)

1. Do something with that person that he or she particularly enjoys and would especially enjoy with your company. It should be something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. It shouldn’t be something to which you have a personal objection or with which you feel uncomfortable.

Go to a classic car festival even if you have no interest in cars. Go to an art museum, a Comic Con, a basketball or baseball game. Go do something out of your normal choices but that would make your partner happy.

If an activity is dangerous for you or violates your beliefs, don’t do it. But don’t rule something out because you fear you’ll be bored. Your commitment is to your partner’s enjoyment.

Whatever you do, do it with grace and patience. That’s part of the gift.

2. Prepare or acquire a particularly favored food item for your partner. Human beings in general find food rewarding and pleasant. Being the recipient of food feels like being cared about.

If you cook or bake, making something by your own hand carries extra value to the recipient. It can feel very personal and generous.

If you are not a person who enjoys or is skilled at cooking tasks, you lose no value by putting in the thought, time, and energy to acquire a special food in other ways. Godiva offers many ways to make people happy. As does Garry’s Grill, Adam’s Taphouse, Ginza, BonChon, Ming’s, etc. I understand that the Tiramisu from Giant is delicious; and I know that a fresh bagel from Uber Bagels is a delight.

It doesn’t matter what the food is, only that it’s a thoughtful and personally chosen gift.

3. Make the time to sit and listen. We’re all so busy that what passes for conversation is often just an exchange of household or family tasks that must get done. It can be and feel like a real gift to have someone just listen without some other agenda. Make time to ask about and listen to thoughts and feelings, fears and hopes, joys or losses.

Relationships need to be about more than utilitarian partnerships. It’s good and necessary to be able to accomplish necessary tasks; being a good team is great. But if a relationship becomes about only being functional, its warmth and intimacy gets diminished or lost. Listening is a critical component of a meaningful relationship. Being listened to feels very elevating and affirming.

4. Give the gift of time. What task can you take over for your partner at least once? Think of something that you can do that will free up time for your partner that your partner can use in any way that he or she wishes.

The gift of time could be as mundane as taking his or her turn to take out the trash, bathe the baby, or return the library books. It could be as big as being the parent volunteer for the scout camping trip or the class trip to Williamsburg.

Time is precious; we never have enough of it. A gift of time is huge, whether it’s a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. It’s especially welcome when it’s time to be used “just because”, without strings or expectations.

5. Give a thoughtful gesture. This is meant to be something small but which demonstrates thoughtfulness.

Bring your partner her morning cup of coffee before she even gets out of bed. Bring your partner his reading glasses when he sits down with the newspaper.

The goal is to demonstrate that you are thinking about and caring about your partner. There’s no intention to be bold or showy. The intention is to demonstrate thoughtfulness and kindness in small ways that can be repeated often. Each time such gestures are made they make an impression on the recipient of feeling that they matter to someone who matters to them.

Of course, these are gifts that are not limited to the start of a new year. They’re meant to be given, and re-gifted, all year ‘round.