The Narcissistic Armchair Expert

"this is my kingdom come" - ID

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Bababa ba?

I made a mistake of assuming I know better.

At the time  I was certain that I was right and it felt as if I was being mocked unfairly. 

Turns out I really was wrong.

So; from now on I will try my best to be more open about receiving lessons from my superiors.

I’m sorry if I was too proud to accept lessons before but I did saw some inconsistencies that made me wonder about your intentions and I was just not willing to go through being played with again.

At this point of my life there are a lot of questions I need real answers to and I’m afraid of being deceived again. 

Also; my insecurities manifests itself through demeaning other people.

I’m sorry about that too. It’s an automatic response, I can’t control my thoughts. I am 100% transparent in that area but I would not intentionally say that to your face to actually make you feel bad. I guess that’s another area I have to work on.

Experience is the best teacher they say but it is also how we learn things the hard way. It’s hard to unlearn somethings, specially when those things brought you lessons you need to actually protect yourself from getting hurt. I’m mostly just afraid I guess.

Afraid and angry.

Posting this for accountability.

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Bullet through the head

I keep think-talking (feels like I’m thinking but really talking out loud) about a bullet through my head to end it all last Friday. 

But, right now I’m watching Atypical from Netflix and they were talking about a shortage of brain for research. 

I really was serious about donating my brain for research. 

So if it’s not gonna be a bullet through the brain then if somebody out there would want to be the hero. Please make it quick and painless. Unless you really want to make me suffer even through dying. 

[dream-conqueeror-blog]

Thank you sa birthday gift Tito. 

That was all I wanted. 

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Talk is Cheap

Para sa Ale na kausap ko sa bus kanina.

Talk is cheap sabi nga ng current employer ko, if they still want me. Kaya sa Monday I will do my best to get a hold of an appointment with a doctor/professional.  

I was being serious/sincere when I said that I wanted to change.

Mabuti na rin siguro I said it in a bus full of people. Para sa accountability. 

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Answers

I think I just got my questions answered without it being directly addressed. 

That was very clever of you.

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This!!!! Just in case it was not clear.

The Trueman Show.

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Innsaei: The Sea Within

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Infamous

I can’t really escape my past, can I?

Taking the experience away is denying it entirely. If it never existed then I can’t really learn from it can I? 

So, what’s left? 

Same old me... in familiar but different situations with the same results.

[dream-conqueeror-blog]

You got this one right Playbuzz. My Life is just one big joke. Hahaha God! I get it, they do too!

But, you dont see me laughing and they sure are entertained.

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Certainly, what all of these has taught me is how to keep your expectations as low as you possibly can. Hope for the best but expect the worst! In other words, expect to get your heart broken every time. This way if by some miracle you get through this with only minor bumps and bruises you would rejoice and thank your lucky stars, for that just might have been the one exception to the rule.

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Look, a black and white flightless bird…. oh and gay

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Watchmen

Amazing movie tackling moral conflicts and contrasts. Thank you for your recommendation!

[psych2go]

Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.

Sigmund Freud (via psych2go)

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there is wisdom that comes from the cracks of a broken heart

[psych2go]

Once you have accepted your flaws no-one can use them against you.

George R. R. Martin (via psych2go)

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[dream-conqueeror-blog]

Menu: Karma

The spiritual principle of cause and effect is Karma.

This is often mentioned in religious context with a sense of justice and fairness of the Universe.

Simple, do good and good things will happen to you; do bad things and you can expect this to come back to you.

I think the concept of Karma is the belief that the variables which falls in the category that is beyond our control is for some unfathomable reason still within our control if we act accordingly in the present, like a right or a claim for what we deserve, effect, for past actions, cause, which frankly is a disillusioned way of thinking. 

A wise friend once said in one of our drinking sessions: “You are not that special for the Universe to conspire to give you anything”. I think that he also said that “the Universe does not owe you anything.” 

Do good for a purpose other than Karma. Find out what that means for you. This sounds more authentic too and not self-serving. Therefore, intention is everything. 

In parallel: the term “Karma is a bitch” is what we say when random series of unfortunate events befalls a person we feel like deserves it without taking revenge on them. We feel a sense of justice when intangible force is working against this person we hate. We are also free of guilt of what happens to them because we had no hand in it but we enjoy the punishment all the same. 

I guess the reason why I feel the need to post about the topic of Karma is because lately I have come into the realization that most of the things that is happening to me or has happened, how people treat me, is not Karma, nothing random, but more of revenge with the intention to put me down for what I did or who I am. This ranges from backhanded comments and other malicious conspiring. 

It’s hard to be me. I don’t even want to be me. I’m just really tired of it maybe they are right, I do deserve this. 

These are not random events to chuck up to Karma because unlike before, I can now see the intention behind it. This causes me stress.

I’m just fucking done with it. Frankly I am too tired to fight back something that is magnanimously bigger than me, there is no point. 

You question my intentions; I question yours. This is the rest of my life....