[01:40] Jaemin whines your name as he sat on the floor, cheek on your thigh. He looked so much of a child it was laughable, almost.
"C'mon, tell me more! What else? What else do you love about me?"
There's nobody you'd want more than this boy. As a proof you speak for ten more minutes, telling him of himself through your eyes.
"I love it when you wear your sweaters..."
His eyes flutter shut, and you now freely admire him as you please. Trace stars on his cheeks, draw the moon on his temples. Your words sink into you like an anchor. Jaemin and his smile and his voice and his writing and his cooking and his terrible sweet tooth and his perfection.
"I... love it when you're like this. I love it when you bring me flowers."
You felt like a droplet next to his ocean. Jaemin was warm, lived in, like a healthy home. Jaemin has his smile, has his voice, has his writing, has his cooking, has character — has life. You, you have... well...
"I love it when I have you with me at home... when you make me playlists, when you write me letters..."
When you stop speaking, your throat aches and you wonder if you talked too much, too loudly — you knew you did, but somehow it felt like you didn't. You know? You know, you know...
None of your words felt yours. This is not to say you don't mean them — the praises you sing, your declarations of love — because you didn't work so hard to say them just to lie. It's just that even saying your lover's name was something so sacred, so beautiful of a sound you're not sure you were really capable of making.
If you asked you'd say you're doing pretty okay being a person. You wouldn't be dating him if you weren't at least, right? You tell people “have a good day” and “believe in yourself” but sometimes, when only the ones who matter can see, you're all closed curtains and locked doors. When you want to say ‘I love you’ you snarl and when you wish to ask ‘please stay’ you push people away.
"I love it when you understand... me."
When it really matters your actions never reflect your intentions and you can't be honest because you believe you can only be loved in poetry. You're only beautiful as a tragedy, and hey, you know, seasons and people and you're winter, ‘you love me for a while but you don't want me to be here forever.’
Hey, you know, seasons and people and you're the holidays; ‘you can say you want me everyday but if I come by everyday would I still be any special?’ You know, seasons and people and you're a rollercoaster ride in an amusement park, ‘you love my thrill but at the same time my God do you want it to end.’ Seasons and people.
Seasons and people and you're fall. You're falling, like autumn leaves, and as a leaf you could only fall once when you live—
— ‘and you know, right? Seasons and people, I'm an autumn leaf, I fall for you and only for you, hoping like a child that you'd never leave. I hold onto hope the same way I believed in Santa.’
"I lo... I..." You bite your lip, "Jaemin?"
"Are you awake, Jaemin?" His hair fan like halo on your thighs. You twirl his hair on your fingertip, "Jaemin, I have a question... err, more like a what-if."
"‘m sleepy... is it a sad what-if?"
"No, but it is an important what-if," you trail every sign of life on his skin, gentle as butterflies yet intense as fireflies. He hums so you proceed, "What if I'm iced coffee on a winter day?"
He yawns, "Is this for TikTok?"
"You might want me, but I'm not good for you."
"So it's not for TikTok?" He opens his eyes, your question waking up his mind with fear. "Wait, are you—"
He stops. Tears were falling from your eyes, and they were not beautiful — tears were even less beautiful when you see them on the people you love — your eyes were swollen as though you've been crying longer than he hoped you were.
You tried to smile, and you ask, "Do you take me still?"
He kneels from where he sat, a hand place on your shoulder as if to ask a question but he just couldn't find the words. Hear this: Jaemin talks a lot and it takes a lot to make him speechless.
You were the only silence he loves.
Sometimes you were comforting silence, sometimes you were lonely silence. Sometimes you weren't even silent at all! You laugh and you joke and you scream in frustration when you cry; once you slammed a door shut on his face and you screamed that you hate life and yourself and he couldn't understand you if he tried because he didn't live the life you lived...
And when he tells you “I know I can't understand, but I can try, and if that doesn't work, can I hold your hand anyway? I love you” only the do you whisper “sorry” just a tad bit louder than a feather falling from a soaring bird.
Jaemin has a voice louder than that, loud enough to reach your soul locked inside your heart, so he asks "Are you crazy?"
He was teary eyed too, cradling your face and bumping your noses. "I love coffee enough to ruin my life for it."
You close your eyes, feeling him wrap you around in his hold, as Jaemin begins to thread his hands on your hair, laying you both on the couch. He presses a kiss to your temple, and he whispers:
"I love it when you love me."
He tells you everything he loves about you for the rest of the night. When you wake up in the morning, he was already awake, smiling at you sweetly.
"I love telling you ‘I love you’ first thing before I even say ‘good morning’."
Seasons and people. You were the stars and the sun; the you he knows can disappear once in a while but he patiently waits for you to come back. It's alright, he hides from bad days sometimes, too.
Seasons and people. You were the moon and you change phases as quick as you change your mind on your haircut but Jaemin loves you anyway. You order one thing and eat his meal instead, he likes feeling you from his plate so much he doesn't even notice.
Seasons and people. Sometimes you were beach day other days you were hurricane. Sometimes he can stand the heat, sometimes the wind scares him, but Jaemin stays.
Seasons and people. You were an autumn leaf, he keeps you on his book and takes you to every page despite the effort it takes; he knows you're trying hard not to fall apart so he holds you delicately.
Seasons and people. Jaemin never leaves.
