I want a safe place to talk about this......
(I am already crying. This has been making me feel sad all day, and now that I am sitting down to write about it, I am immediately crying)
Shining Nikki anniversary events always affect me immensely. Emotionally, they come right into me and tear at my heart. They make me cry, they fill me with hope, they inspire, ignite, and invigorate a light inside of me. They make me remember pieces of myself I might have forgotten. They reawaken... every beautiful part of me. They fill me with a beauty that inspires me with the hope to live with all my heart and make every dream come true.
But this time, it is filling me with very painful memories, forcing me to confront it.
I wanted to talk about this anniversary event, the way I used to talk about the game, the way I used to have fun. I really wanted to, but when I do, I... I feel as though I am stepping on clouds. I'm going up towards the sky, higher and higher, stepping on clouds, and there is no ground beneath my feet. It's scary. It's terrifying. It feels like I am running away... from myself. I step on these clouds, and I feel less and less like myself, and all that's ahead is the threat of falling from the sky. It is a scary feeling.
I used to talk about the game so much. I used to step on these clouds, endlessly, relentlessly, like I needed them, and I could not see the danger of falling from the sky. In fact, back then, I was convinced that if I got higher, then maybe I could find happiness, or I could find what it was I needed to be able to have a good life, to be able to... face my life at all. I was running away and kept running away from myself and from my life, convinced that the more I ran, the better off I would be
It was all through college that I was doing this. I would go to class, I'd be on campus for a few hours, hiding in any place that I could until my ride would show up, wanting just to go home and talk about the game. I remember, I enjoyed classes, but I always neglected my studies when I was at home. I neglected my whole life. I did not like being among people, and I did not want to engage with my life at all. I just wanted to come home and talk about Shining Nikki. I just wanted to escape. I feel very ashamed to admit this. It is a hard thing to remember and confront.
I was always on this blog. I always talked about the game and talked about... all my feelings. on here. I was always just talking on here alone. It was this sort of shelter and home that I was building for myself, which I didn't even realize. It was my escape and my place to run to. I thought it was just for fun, without realizing what it had become. This very blog had become the place where I was most vulnerable and the only place I felt comfortable to express anything at all. All while I disengaged from my entire life, and ran away from even my own self. I did not realize how vulnerable I was becoming until the words and comments of others started severely hurting me. This was the only place I left myself with. And so... the words of others were not just an infiltration of my safe place, they were an infiltration of me, of myself.
At some point, when I realized that I was getting hurt, I forced myself off this blog. I thought that was the source of my pain. But because this was the only place I really had, I actually just ended up leaving myself with nothing. And I plunged into the worst mental state of my life after that.
That was years ago and my life is so different now and I've done so much to heal
But now, when I try to talk about this anniversary event, it brings me these memories of when all I did was run away. It has made me unable to enjoy...
I really want to talk. I really want to be among friends and share my thoughts and all it is that I have to share. But I cannot help but feel this pain. I cannot help but feel like that girl I used to be, stepping on clouds, trying to escape my life, becoming too vulnerable and losing myself all at the same time.
I so badly wanted to talk, but I don't feel the beauty that anniversary events usually give me, I only feel this immense fragility
