I know few eyes will meet this and few minds will care. And that is okay.
At the start of the year and at the end of 2015, I was terribly depressed. I took a break-a much needed break and found some solid ground to stand on. This is old news if you were with me back then when I started. Nearly 11,000 posts later over the course of almost a year, I ran into technical issues. I lost my laptop and all of my date on it. Everything I owned. This lasted about two months up until recently. I obtained a very old laptop, but it can do the basics if anything until I can upgrade this December.
I have been battling depression, the serious lack of motivation that comes with it, financial problems and my Fibromyalgia which is steadily worsening as the season progresses. My mother recently lost a friend to heart failure, and my best friend had a horrible experience with a homophobic asshole. His bravery doesnāt give my fear any solace. The world is crazy.Ā The atmosphere here is anything but good. But despite all of this, I have been trying to make the most of it and do what I can to help out and help myself.
The other night I deleted all of my posts-almost 11,000 of them by hand and turned anonymous messages off. Even though I let being a creator for The Sims stress me out last year, it did give me something to do and something to look forward to. Itās a small hobby that actually keeps me happy and so I decided I would finally come back at my own pace and do what I enjoy, so that maybe I could lift myself. At one point, someone anonymously suggested that I offer a donation page or a Go Fund Me so that my followers could donate and help me out with various expenses. I could never bring myself to do that. Today hasnāt been a good day, at all.Ā
I was neverĀ āfamousā.Ā
I donāt really like that word. But, I was known for my traits and humor-why anyone laughs at my lame ass still astounds me to this day lol..but most importantly, people came to me publicly, anonymously and in private. I inspired some people to join the community or attempt Ā custom content. I taught when I could. I listened to people tell me about their day(s), work, their children, their sexuality and who they are, their insecurities and that means the world to some people. I made so many friends and also lost some- for reasons I donāt know and others, I do. Even as I sit here and type this, people have left. Every time someone mentioned kindness, Iād call it a thankless task. Because it is. Selfless people are discarded every second by those who only rely on them when it is convenient. Iāve been so open and kind to people and I always said it would never let me grow bitter or cold. But Iāve grown so tired of becoming less and less to people I care about. My novelty has worn off, I tend to think.
I thought that maybe returning would give me something to take my mind off of everything and rekindle my love of this place. I intended to return to requests and make brand new fresh tattoos, traits-even hair and clothing. I would finally turn on anonymous once more and take pride in making someone smile again, because doing so helps cheer myself up. I had so many good intentions. I opened up my theme to edit and just froze for nearly an hour, scrolling the code like a zombie and all of pages and graphics. Itās like all of the motivation I had, I lost all over again. I took to Tumblr.Ā People are still bickering while others segregate themselves or single out one another and lead attacks. People are still dropping names and shitting on each other. People are still stealing and insulting each otherās work mercilessly. Nothing has changed.
And I donāt want to be here.
I come here to escape my problems, not to watch fellow gamers-fellow people, tear each other apart. It doesnāt always depend on who you follow. Bullshit always creeps around. I wanted to completely remove my Tumblr altogether. But I always fight with this thought in the back of my mind that Iāll want to come back and follow through with my intentions-my plans. I really had good intentions. And, if someone cannot understand that and this then, oh well. If I had something more to push for, I think I would stay.Ā If I call this a break, people will look forward to the day I return. People will expect things. People will expect me. And I donāt like to disappoint, especially when I personally do not know what will happen or what I want in time to come.
And, with that, Iām just going to leave. Iām leaving.
Thank you for your time, your love and support and interest in me. I couldnāt ask for better followers, better friends-the ones who are true, and all of the people who ever vented to me and asked for help. Keeping other people happy really helped me out but I canāt even make myself smile now. How can I hope to help someone else properly? I wonāt lie, sometimes I donāt feel like any of this is worth living. But then what happens? Iām such a fucking mess. I could probably bathe in my own tears at this point, lol. I donāt want anything from anyone. Just, go and be happy, you know? Donāt let anyone bring you down. Be who you are and stay true to yourself. Smile.
