Now with 210% more void @driedeyed - Tumblr Blog

i know that the sooner i’m done, the sooner i’m through it but christ alive i don’t wannaaaaaaaa

hmmm if my app is to be believed i have lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks. guys i think the stress is having adverse effects on my body

#too stressed and busy to eat normal meals

panicking! I’m panicking!!

(i don’t know what an actual panic attack feels like but i can feel my heart racing).

i’m feeling really anxious about things. the workload, sure, but also the feeling like… like i’m running before learning to walk again. I wish i could get all my ducks in a row and maybe that’s the feeling that i’m trying to get around.

like, popular advice is always like “you’re not going to be able to get all your ducks in a row. the best you can do is grab your ducks and run.” and i’m trying to come to terms with that and accept that wisdom because yeah, nothing in life is “sure” all you can do is make the best decision with the best information you have at the time. but also i feel like there are so many times where i’ve felt regret, wishing that i had gotten all my ducks together or at least some of them before moving forward. but then i’ve been chastised for waiting too long and also chastised for not having taken the time to figure things out. i’m trying to learn to live with the discomfort of not having done things “the right way” but at the same time i haven’t felt enough empathy or compassion to feel like it’s ok to have made mistakes or been shown a healthy way to move through the discomfort of having made the wrong choice with the information i had.

and so, this whole experience has just been profoundly distressing and i just want it to be over. i keep wishing that i’ll leave with some shred of dignity or pride but that keeps getting ripped from me, which sucks. i used to regularly feel pride and happiness in my work and i desperately miss that. i’m trying to separate my self-worth from my work as a scientist, but i’m not succeeding. those things have my name on them - i want to be proud of my work. why am i not then?

ughhhh after a more extensive literature review i feel like i need to re-analyze and re-write my whole 2nd chapter, but i don't want to i just want to be doneeeee

#the crazy thing is that i DID read literature before when i wrote the first version #but i guess i didn't read deeply enough? but i also read a lot of the same papers #so make that make sense

hate that i can feel myself self-sabotaging, but i feel powerless to stop it. it hasn’t gotten as bad as actually failing to uphold my responsibilities. but i can feel it getting close. and it sucks to be falling into bat habits and patterns when i KNOW better. I just don’t have the mental energy to BE better.

can’t remember the last time i felt joy without the aid of a drug

#it’s been dark in the void #for a while perhaps

Application submitted and I feel joy again

what have we learned class?

you need FULL DRAFTS of materials at least 3 weeks in advance

so you can have enough time to make them actually good

also just know you’re not going to have time for basic self care the week before

that includes cooking and working out

i don’t know how to account for the crying and questioning of self-worth… uhhh maybe that goes away with experience?

plan for 2 fulls days of recovery after submission

#i should definitely discuss that last one in therapy

hey guys?? i’m fucking sick of this!!

nothing like your advisor saying you can’t use data that YOU collected in a future project to take the wind out of your sails

#wow imagine what my life and experience of grad school could have been like if i had an actually supportive advisor hahah #it makes me want to say fuck research forreal #and i was actually getting excited about this project #shame on me!

*gets mean feedback from a committee member*

“whatever, they’re just being a hater”

*tries not to care*

*cares a lot*

#ugh i hate it here #i need to get out!!!!!!

my advisor said some passive-aggressive shit to me this morning in an email and i want to clap-back but i’m afraid of her escalating.

just another example of the dose of small injustices that poison academia for me.

ughhh i had a bad day. nothing bad happened exactly, it was just slow and painful and nothing fun happened. and there’s too much to do and never enough time to do it :(

it was an honor having rights with you all 🫡

i’m kinda going through it with some friends and it’s making me feel extra lonely. idk if it’s in my head but i feel like everyone feels some type of way about me and are trying to hide it when i come around. it’s making me feel paranoid and maybe a bit like i’m going to be abandoned again. like that feeling that the second i’m not useful no one’s going to want me around. :/

#like based on what i’ve learned in therapy i need to ‘gather evidence’#rather than falling prey to whatever cognitive distortion may apply #but that’s scary and i feel vulnerable doing it #i did it anyway which i guess i’m proud of #but i’m also scared that i might be right

i had an allergic reaction to some scented lotion and now i have hives literally all over my body.

#this is one of the worst things i’ve experienced in recent memory

today was a really good day! i had a really productive meeting with my advisor and research stuff is going well! I was feeling a bit stalled out but between the meeting yesterday and the meeting today, i feel a lot more momentum on my research! I made lavender syrup last night and today i made a lavender lemonade spritzer type thing and sat outside for lunch. i finished 2 of the analyses i need to do over the next week this afternoon, so i quit work while i was ahead to do my workout that i pushed from yesterday because i was SO tired. then i cleaned the bathrooms, which i’ve been putting off for half a week and picked up some stuff from a friend for a river float i’m going on this weekend! the river float has been on my bucket list, so i’m really excited to do it. then i cooked and ate dinner, which got rid of some ingredients that were languishing in the freezer. and THEN the sun was still out and the weather was nice so i went for a nice walk, and on my walk i picked some super ripe figs from a tree and they were SO sweet and delicious. today was just such a good day, it needed to be documented! ❤️❤️❤️

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Now with 210% more void