the blog of dave strider

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[dstrider]

#2: come ON guye

get him OUTTA here bro

[dstrider]

aliens are real and they are pansexual

hey its not my thing but i think its really sick that you are so honest and open about your addiction to crack cocaine and meth simultaneously

really fucking admirable my dude

[dstrider]

best blog on this site tbh thank you king

im glad you guys have taste

[godvantas]

genuine question, are you homeschooled or did you get raw dogged by throbbing meat so many times by your furry clan that it made your brain act goofy? you keep talking about shit that makes you seem like some fucking cracked out alien- unless you made this blog for me and are doing all of this to fuck with me cause it kinda seems like youre a fan bro so if thats the case which it probably is then id say find some better hobbies but thanks for the support x o x o

LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT, WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. YOU DO NOT GET TO COME INTO MY INBOX ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE AND HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE BEEN "RAW DOGGED BY THROBBING MEAT." I AM 6. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES PUPPET ASS HAS ROCKED YOU TO SLEEP AND PERMANENTLY DAMAGED YOUR THINKPAN, IT'S FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE AND I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN ANSWER ALL OF YOUR DUMBASS INQUIRIES, GENUINE OR NOT.

AND I AM NOT YOUR FAN. IF ANYTHING, YOU SHOULD BE MY FAN, CONSIDERING THAT PUTRID FLESHY MASS OF PARTS YOU CALL A BODY WAS GIFTED TO YOU DIRECTLY FROM THE PALM OF MY FROND STUMP. YOU SHOULD BE PROSTRATING BEFORE ME AND QUIVERING BENEATH THE HEEL OF MY BOOT.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE, WHICH APART FROM "MEGALOMANIAC PILE OF DIAHRREAC LIQUID SHIT LEAKING FROM A BROWN PAPER BAG" IS A PERSON WHO I WOULD RATHER NOT HAVE ON MY *MOVIE REVIEW* BLOG. SO DO US BOTH A WHOPPING FAVOUR AND STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE HUMAN INTERNET.

TL;DR, KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS.

[dstrider]

you saying youre six years old is as believable as if i told someone im not the most hellaciously fine dude out there which would very obviously be a flat out lie

youre making it way too easy to rip on you this has to be a joke or some kind of weird kink and considering you mentioned puppets im gonna guess youre my brothers friend so itd make a lot of sense

or are you stalking me because that shits RIDICULOUSLY not cool man ive got all kinds of shit to stab your insides with and the doctors that drag your struggling body away wont even be able to fix you up because theyll look at you and go “nah shit man this guys FUCKED his insides are all scrambled like a diabetes packed breakfast at grandmas on sunday morning” and the nurse is like “god whoever did that shit was doing his mom a FAVOR bro it looks like dwayne the rock johnson just took a fat dump on his face and it perma melted to his skin put a bag on him and pull the fucking plug already” and the doctors like “yeah dude consider that shit DONE” then they proceed to immediately vomit piss and shit in their pants over having to witness something so nasty

you started this shit bro which means youre obsessed with me so im making it my new personal goal in life to fuck your SHIT up since youre craving my attention so bad

once the bonerfest starts im out though because i cant be catering to 40 year old men over the internet that shits wack

[dstrider]

nothing in this entire world will ever come close to upsetting me as much as the baked bean furby

his entire existence is purely based on the discomforted laughs of someone who got their hands on silicone and instead of making a dick mold like a normal shitfuck of a human you made an entire monstrosity that i have to feast my eyes on and be reminded of late at night when im already crying myself to sleep over david spades insufferable face

the only thing i can think of that might be just the slightest bit worse is the fucking spaghettio one

this rancid tomato infused ballsack is just begging for his disconsolate existence to be put out of its goddamned misery

[roxyboxy]

lmaooooooo ok ok ok v funny but check out this guy

what a special boy?!?!?????! all dressed up for his first day at wisord school p much and y'know what… hell yes…. get that magic education

literally just the best guy evar pretty much????? idk how you could even BEGIN to contest that this is the greatest little guy there’s p much ever been or ever will be

wise and knowing little critter… will cast you a spell…. TO CAPTURE YOUR HEART!!!

[dstrider]

this is fucking horrifying

[dstrider]

i love ben stiller

i love ben stiller

okay i know what you may be thinking right now  “dave, ben stiller???” first of all, fuck off right into an infinite loop of being rebirthed in your moms greasy orrifices yeah hes not the most attractive guy around but i unironically adore this man and you should too i recently saw zoolander 2 and by recently i mean i was there for the premiere and every weekend after to rewatch it it brought up all the old feelings of utter admiration and desire the entire movie was comedy gold and i can finally admit to myself that i dave strider am sexually attracted to derek zoolander

soon after zoolander and starsky and hutch became part of my life i fell for the romantic comedy “along came polly” you know the quite literal shit comedy where ben stillers wife fucks a dirty beach hippy on their honeymoon and then he decides to shit in jennifer annistons bathroom and use her fancy hand towels to wipe his hot bean infested diarreah and when that doesnt work he produces a sick mating dance and they fall in love honestly its fucking incredible

but starting from zoolander i made it my lifes dream to produce true masterpieces as good as ben stiller the point of zoolander gets completely thrown over peoples heads sometimes and it aggrivates me to no end that someone could honestly not see talent when its right in front of them i used to deny my love so much and act as if i believed he was anything less than a god with some form of bullshit “irony” but fuck that rigmarole he was made only of the purest horseshit biscuits the world has ever known and we should praise his outworldy existence and with that being said i really gotta piss

[godvantas]

IF YOU HEARD THAT SOUND, IT WAS THE DEAFEANING CRACK OF BOTH MY BRAINCELLS COMMITTING RITUAL SUICIDE. THEIR BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS, I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY YOU SICK FUCK.

WHAT AN AWFUL POST, I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DETAIL HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT YOU TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER FOR GOOD AND NEVER WRITE ANYTHING ONLINE EVER AGAIN.

I COULD ALMOST FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS SEEING THAT THIS MOVIE FITS INTO THE COMEDY GENRE, BUT IT’S NOT EVEN NUANCED COMEDY. IT’S LIKE BEN STILLER DID THREE TABS OF ACID AND SLURRED, “WHAT IF I WAS A MODEL?”

NOTHING MAKES SENSE, WATCHING THIS FILM IS LIKE DELICATELY PEELING OFF YOUR SCALP AND POURING CAYENNE PEPPER ONTO YOUR EXPOSED PAN TISSUE. IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY FOR A COMEDY, IT’S VULGAR AND META, IN A BAD WAY.

I GIVE IT 1 OUT OF 5 CRABS.

[dstrider]

who took a shit on your chest this morning

[dstrider]

Did you write and make all of this yourself?

no actually you might know him as the former president but barack obama himself after stepping down from his presidency became the ghost writer to my shitty fucking blog on a dead website instead of spending the rest of his days with his family

[dstrider]

I hate Adam sander

i dont know what adams sander did to you dude but im sure theres other brands of sanders you could use to shave down your pubic hair

[dstrider]

nothing in this entire world will ever come close to upsetting me as much as the baked bean furby

his entire existence is purely based on the discomforted laughs of someone who got their hands on silicone and instead of making a dick mold like a normal shitfuck of a human you made an entire monstrosity that i have to feast my eyes on and be reminded of late at night when im already crying myself to sleep over david spades insufferable face

the only thing i can think of that might be just the slightest bit worse is the fucking spaghettio one

this rancid tomato infused ballsack is just begging for his disconsolate existence to be put out of its goddamned misery

[dstrider]

i love ben stiller

okay i know what you may be thinking right now  “dave, ben stiller???” first of all, fuck off right into an infinite loop of being rebirthed in your moms greasy orrifices yeah hes not the most attractive guy around but i unironically adore this man and you should too i recently saw zoolander 2 and by recently i mean i was there for the premiere and every weekend after to rewatch it it brought up all the old feelings of utter admiration and desire the entire movie was comedy gold and i can finally admit to myself that i dave strider am sexually attracted to derek zoolander

soon after zoolander and starsky and hutch became part of my life i fell for the romantic comedy “along came polly” you know the quite literal shit comedy where ben stillers wife fucks a dirty beach hippy on their honeymoon and then he decides to shit in jennifer annistons bathroom and use her fancy hand towels to wipe his hot bean infested diarreah and when that doesnt work he produces a sick mating dance and they fall in love honestly its fucking incredible

but starting from zoolander i made it my lifes dream to produce true masterpieces as good as ben stiller the point of zoolander gets completely thrown over peoples heads sometimes and it aggrivates me to no end that someone could honestly not see talent when its right in front of them i used to deny my love so much and act as if i believed he was anything less than a god with some form of bullshit “irony” but fuck that rigmarole he was made only of the purest horseshit biscuits the world has ever known and we should praise his outworldy existence and with that being said i really gotta piss

[dstrider]

adam sandler gets a sinus infection

[dstrider]

on the topic of inscrutable babies

fucking chill out dude what the fuck

[dstrider]

where a kid can be a kid

honestly it busts my nuts to think there was some old dude probably jerkin it all day in an office with a fancy ass suit on and somehow came up with the idea for a giant fucking mouse as a mascot for a kids place what sick bastard is concupiscent on thinking this is inviting

look at this douche

is this guy even a mouse he might be a rat but either fucking way nothing about him says  “id sure love to stuff my face with greasy slices of pizza and chill with this giant goddamn rodent” if a kid ever mutters the words i want to go to chuck e cheese, the enormous furry has already corrupted them and theyre on their way to hell theres no chance in saving little billy now way to be some great parents i also have no doubt in my mind that the sweaty guy under there is probably constantly hoarding a 5 foot erection theyve also got these shitty animatronics and its the biggest joke out there like how high do you have to be to think all of this shit is what a kid dreams of this is nightmare fuel  wake up america telling your kid youre going to take them out and then you bring them to chuck e cheese is like showing a 6 year old this fuckton of candy and then burning it in front of them and laughing as theres a waterfall of tears flying off their face basically if youre looking for a fun family night out go dumpster diving instead your best bet for an exciting time is anything aside from the confines of a piss soaked building with a rat man inside and screaming children