The Wholly Bible: King Tuts Version
I have been working on a parody of the bible entitled "The Wholly Bible: King Tuts Version". My goal is to create a full length parody of the bible that is quotable to use again others who use bible verses to excuse their behavior. Beyond hoping to make people laugh I also hope to point out some glaring contradictions and the general lack of morality in the bible by spoofing it, exaggerating some of its claims, and overall just having fun.
Below is a sample of the first two chapters of the first book of the Wholly Bible: Sega Genesis chapter one and two.
[1] In the beginning there was nothing. [2] Yahweh God looked upon his nothingness and it made him greatly sad. [3] The universe was formless and empty. Darkness surrounded everything. [4] Yahweh God did declare, “From this moment forward I shall create a most wonderful sight stretching endlessly from one corner to the other!”
[5] Yahweh God then did pull out his dungeon master guide and his collection of multi-sided dice and began to roll. [6] He first rolled his 1D20 for the number of planets and hit an eight. Thusly eight planets did appear before his eyes and he was pleased. [7] Next Yahweh God rolled a 1D4 for the number of stars in the solar system for which he rolled a one. Thusly a single star appeared in the center of the solar system. [8] He next rolled 1D10 to decide which planet he should create his playground on. Three came up and he maneuvered his holiness next to this planet.
[9] Yahweh God then did land upon this planet and cartoonishly cracked his fingers. Thus began the first day of creation. [10] Yahweh God said to himself, “Staring at this star all day shouldn't be too interesting. Let's set this baby in motion!” Yahweh God then did spin the third planet so that there shall be a time upon which the star would be above and a time upon which the star would not. [11] Yahweh God called the light “day” and the darkness “night.”
[12] Yahweh God did decide to call the dry land “earth” and the heavens above the “sky.” [13] Yahweh God once more said to himself, “Let the earth yield grass, herbs yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit after their kind, with its seed in it, on the earth”; and it was so. [14] Not to be redundant but the earth yielded grass, herbs yielding seed after their kind, and trees bearing fruit, with its seed in it, after their kind. Yahweh God saw that is was good.
[15] Yahweh God then did say to himself “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to divide the day from night.” [16] Yahweh God made two great lights on the earth: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. He also made the distant stars. [17] The greater light would be named “sun” and the lesser light “moon.” Yahweh God decided these names to be good.
[18] Yahweh God then looked upon the entire earth and said, “Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures,” Yahweh God then laughed a Yahweh Godly laugh at his witty use of the word swarm twice in the same sentence, “and let birds fly above the earth in the open expanse of sky.” [19] Suddenly animal life came into existence on the earth. These animals were rightfully confused at their sudden life. [20] Birds fell from the sky having no time to prepare for their first flight. [21] Animals did fall down having never walked before. [22] Yahweh God then did bless them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.” [23] The unfortunate animals heard the call of their Yahweh God but could only flap their wings and spasmodically kick their legs.
[24] Yahweh God said, “Let the earth produce living creatures after their kind, livestock, creeping things, crocoducks, and animals of the earth after their kind”; and it was so. [25] Yahweh God then did see everything above and saw that it was good with the exclusion of the crocoduck. He saw this was not good and used his righteous fury to smite it.
[26] Yahweh God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” [27] Yahweh God did then realize he slipped up when speaking, using “our” instead of “mine”. Upon which confusion began to set in for was Yahweh God alone or was he with someone? Did he have fellow deities with him or was he using the royal we? [28] Yahweh God then did tell me in my ear to shut the hell up and continue writing this account of creation. [29] Yahweh God created man in his own image. In Yahweh God's image he created male and female for Yahweh God is a hermaphrodite.
[30] Yahweh God said, “Behold, I have given you everything that moves on the earth. To every animal on the earth, and to every bird of the sky, and to everything that creeps on the earth, [31] in which there is life, I have given you permission to snuff that life out.”
[32] Yahweh God saw everything that he had made and it was very good. The night came and then there was morning, the second day.
[1] The heavens and the earth were finished, and all their vast array. [2] On the second day Yahweh God finished his work which he had made; and he rested on the second day. [3] Yahweh God blessed the first day and made it holy, because he rested the rest of the week from all his work which he had created and made.
[4] This is the story of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that Yahweh God made the earth and heavens. [5] No plant of the field was yet in the earth, and no herb of the field had yet sprung up; for Yahweh God had not caused it to rain on the earth. There was not a man to till the ground, [6] a magical mist went up from the earth, and watered the whole surface of the ground. Yahweh God had just invented the lawn and garden sprinkler irrigation industrial complex. [7] Yahweh God formed man from the dirt of the ground, and breathed into his nose the breath of life. [8] Yahweh God then placed an Olive Garden restaurant in Eden, and there he put the man whom he had formed. [9] On the menu Yahweh God did put many delicious salads and appetizers. [10] In the middle of the Olive Garden of Eden was the soda fountain of life and the buffet of good and evil. Upon the soda fountain of life was four options. [11] The name of the first is Cola: this is the one which fills up the body with sugars and causes childhood diabetes. [12] The name of the second is lemon-lime: this flows through the body and makes you alive with vigor. [13] The name of the third is root beer: giving the great taste of beer but without the awesome intoxicating affects. [14] The last option was water: for those who are boring and wish to consume healthy. [15] Yahweh God took the man, and put him into the Olive Garden of Eden, saying, “Of every option on the menu you may freely eat; [17] but of the buffet of good and evil you shall not eat; for in the day that you eat of it you will surely die.”
[18] Yahweh God said, “It is not good that the mane should be alone left to wank alone; I shall make him a helper suitable for him.” [19] Out of the ground Yahweh God formed every animal of the field, and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. [20] For the next few centuries the man named all the countless billions of animals; but for man there was not found a suitable helper. [21] Yahweh God then caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and he took the thumbnail from his right hand. [22] He took the thumbnail and made a companion for the man. [23] Yahweh God then did wake both men up and spoke boldly, “For you were the first man I created your name shall be Adam.” [24] Yahweh God then turned to Adam's new companion and spoke, “For you were the second man I created you shall be called Steve.” [25] Thusly Yahweh God created Adam and Steve.
[26] Yahweh God then spoke, “Adam and Steve, be fruitful and multiply and fill up the earth with your offspring.” [27] Adam and Steve both looked at each other and realized that it would be impossible to know one another and produce offspring. [28] “My God and Lord, how are me and Steve to reproduce? For all other animals you have created a male and female.” [29] Yahweh God did see the error of his ways and thus spoke, “I have been so busy of late I did not see the error for which I have produced. [30] Men rubbing their penises together is an affront to your Yahweh God!”
[31] Yahweh God then caused both Adam and Steve to fall into a deep sleep; and he took one of Adam's ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. [32] He took the rib and made a woman, and brought her to Adam. [33] Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. She will be called 'woman,' because she was taken out of man. [34] Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join his wife, and they would bump uglies and be one flesh. [35] They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. [36] Steve woke up alone inside the Olive Garden of Eden and watched as his friend Adam left with Eve. [37] Thus began the long standing tradition of men breaking the sacred man vow of Bros before Hoes.
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