I am powerful, I am protected, and I am in alignment.
Everything is just so new.
I’m trying to be patient with myself on this journea. Sometimes, most of the time, it’s easy, it’s light, it’s fun and exciting and beautiful and it lifts me up. I feel so surrounded by love and support, and so grateful for everything I’ve been dealt. But sometimes… it’s heavy. It’s painful and confronting and uncomfortable, and parts of the old me feel sad and hurt and not ready to go, while parts of the new me feel so ashamed and guilty of the me that I used to be.
I don’t want to go back to the old me.
But I fear she’s clamouring for me to let her stay. She’s here in my shadow whispering in my ear, telling me to revert to the old habits that brought me so much comfort, familiarity, and pain.
I’m upset. I’m upset, still, and I don’t quite know why or if I should be (oh, to be a woman). I don’t know where my feelings are real or not, or if they’re all a reflection of the lies I tell myself to understand why people do the things they do or treat me the way they do. I’m trapped in the impossible task of trying to make sense of it all, when it was never my responsibility to in the first place.
What if he isn’t the one? What if it doesn’t work? What if this doesn’t work… that we never find that routine, or figure out a dynamic that we can both function in. My body has been rejecting him….
He’s been secretive. He’s a Taurus, and I’m secretive too. We might have unintentionally fallen into a back and forth of matching each others energy. He says the past isn’t important. I want to tell him things.. but in his own words, he doesn’t want to know about it, it’s not important, it’s better to leave the past where it is. But that’s part of my story, and his too, and this is where we reach a standstill in our journey to getting to know one another. A roadblock in our ability to form a closer, deeper connection. And that’s why I don’t want to tell him, because it’s not actually being reciprocated. And that’s hurting me, actually. It’s hurt me.
Maybe I need to be more patient. Maybe I should just give him a little space, and time, to feel ready to even tell me. For me to become worthy of him sharing it all with me. Because I know for a fact some of it isn’t going to be pretty or easy. For either of us. But I have my own dark history, too. I want to tell him. We have a lifetime to tell eachother. We have a lifetime to get to know each other.
Maybe I’ve been in too much of a rush. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to even be in a relationship, to be honest. I miss being able to flirt with anyone. I’m sad I’ll never get to experience falling in love with a woman (I already have) or being in a relationship with one (I wish we could have let things play out). It weird, this is what God wanted, and he genuinely, truly feels like my soulmate. But so does she. She is. We have the most profound, close, healing, loving, intense relationship I've ever had with someone. And yet, it's never moved beyond platonic. And I feel so greedy for wanting them both, when I actually already have them both.
I want this to be healthy and healing and progressive and encouraging and empowering for the both of us. But it just feels... off. Something doesn't seem quite right. I think, maybe, he's not ready either. We're both young, I definitely am, and he's at such a crossroads at the moment. He's on the precipice of change, of figuring it all out - figuring himself out. But he's not there yet. And I don't know if I could help him do that, or if by nature he couldn't do it with me in his life. With me being such a prominent part of his life... I feel like I'm distracting him. I feel like we're distracting each other.
This is so much. It's all so much... and he deserves to know. I feel like I'm keeping him in the dark. He would be devastated if he knew I was feeling this way. But also... maybe he would agree with me. Maybe, he'd understand. Maybe, he also feels the same. We're just too similar like that.
He surely knows I'm upset. He sounded like a different person on the phone. I've neglected to get to know his friends. But there's a chance they don't or won't like me - there's a chance I won't like them. There's a chance we have nothing in common, and won't have much bridging us besides him. But it's all just so early, it's only been a few months.
I read over our first ever texts... he was using chatgpt. In a way, it's sweet. He cared so much about getting it right (or wrong), that he used AI to help him find the words for me. But it just feels so... I don't know. I don't like it. I didn't like it when I realised, and I guess I just forgot about it until now. Now he's using his own words, at least. I think. I hope.
Am I being insecure right now? I'm definitely overthinking everything (and rethinking everything). I think I'm just coming to terms with, and realising, parts of him that aren't so perfect. I never wanted perfect or asked for it. I like that we can both be imperfect and flawed and still love each other and have such a powerful connection. But doubt has planted its seed in my mind and its getting out of control.
I'm tired. I should really sleep. For some reason, that toxic part of me wants to call him, to talk to him, to demand his attention and time when it's truly the last thing I actually want to do right now. It's certainly not what I need - what I need is this. Me Time. Maybe I just want to feel validated that he does love me, that I'm still the priority. But do I even want to be the priority? No, that's too much. Too much responsibility. Unattractive. I am my own priority, and he should be his own. And that's the best way to go about things.
I used to wish I had a man that got jealous of other men coming near me. He's protective, and he marks his territory, and that's attractive. But he doesn't get jealous - and if he did, ever, I'd find that so unattractive. But I'm sure he already knows that. He knows exactly how and what to do - because, apparently, he's been in a million relationships before me already. Two long term, and a million others in between.
Why does that even bother me? When I have done the same, or different but in the same font. I just wish he'd been open about it. Honest. Upfront? Or could he be trying to protect me? Maybe I should ask? If I wanted to know, he'd tell me. I'm not insecure. I just feel in the dark. I feel left out. And I hate being left out.
I'm not being insecure, I'm projecting. I'm turning on him, when all he's ever wanted is to be good to me, and to make me happy. All he wants is my happiness. I'm unsure. I'm indecisive. I'm secretive and closed off, and I worry he can't handle all of me, too. I barely know him. He barely knows me. And that's the truth and the reality of the situation. And I suppose, I'm not really ready to come to terms with that. I love him and he me, and we're in a serious, real relationship. But we also are still practically strangers. We were on my birthday. We were the day we met. We were last year. It's all too fresh and too new and I'm honestly kind of overwhelmed and still not ready for it.
That's the end of it, to be honest. That's scary, and a cold reality. I've only ever had me and will have me in this life - it's always been that way. I've opened my heart to him... but life is changeable and he could be gone this time next year. I could be... Maybe he'll be the first man to humble me with a breakup, for once sparing me the job of walking away. Or maybe, like everyone seems to be thinking - he'll be my future husband, the father of my make-believe children (daughters). But it's all a mystery and in God's hands - if I can be gracious enough to leave it up to fate, and stop trying to control everything so much.
The idea of a future with him drains me. ..... That's horrible. It's not him though, it's the box of it. I feel frozen. I get like that sometimes, it's not him, it's actually me. Fate is in my hands. I get to decide if this is bad or good. It's my responsibility to make this good for us both. I accept the challenge.
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