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@dustycrustybones
i’m so selfish- how can i make it his problem that it takes NOTHING to make me feel like this
just because my body still thinks a slight change in tone means I’ll be punished- doesn’t mean it’s true
he’s a different person a better person he loves me
but that feeling is still there in my spine and my throat- scared, angry, and beaten down
the difference between me and him always was that he needed to be fucked to feel loved, i needed to be fucked to feel real… and he was still the one that cheated .
yk what? fuck it calorie deficit ig
HATE that i’m in a place where i’m honestly the healthiest i’ve ever been and i still
i don’t necessarily want to but i could just go right back into it i could start eating 700 calories a day or 600 or 500 i could start doing 300 sit-ups before i’m allowed to go to sleep i could make sure to fast 20 hrs everyday
i could be so small
but i don’t even want that anymore i’m not sure i ever really did
what i really want is to be strong and look like it, so that i’ll be respected seen as a man have energy feel capable i want to actually feel and look healthy physically i want to be able to protect myself without doubt and to not have to because it’s obvious i can
OHNO! i’m sad.
point is- it’s a bit late now but i need to smoke i think- brain doing too many things
i’m trying so fucking hard to be okay i’m trying so hard
but, i was made with empathy built in- i care
i care about the greed that drives the cruelty throughout this world, i care about how easy it is for some people to move that needle, i care that people die to fuel others trivial comfort, and that we all do it constantly together over and over and over again on and on for as long as recorded history has existed
i care that i benefit from that- and that someone benefits from my toil
i care that others don’t care
how could you not care? are you that numb? how?
i’m getting up early, drinking water, taking my meds, eating usually, i take walks- i sit with the squirrels and the rabbits and i talk to the crows and i spend as much time as i have left with Girl and i do the things i commit to well, exceptionally if possible
and still- i’m lonely, frustrated, and bitter…
not even without good reason- i’ve got plenty of good reasons to feel the way i do but i don’t want to
i want to be content i want to be dumb and complacent and devoid of empathy
but i don’t know how to not recognize every life as valuable, i have known too many to believe that’s possible
i know not the ease of a healthy body, or of even the middle class
i am poor, and sick- and everyone i love and know is either poor or sick, or both usually both as one begets the other
and i do know how the pendulum swings, and just keeps swinging- i know things fall together as they fall apart…
so bleak, so serendipitously sinister…
anyway, I’m suffering constantly physically from whatever ails me (they don’t care enough to figure it out), and Maya has cancer, and Girl has cancer, i don’t know what Jerry has (other than bad luck) but it’s not good, and i’m supposed to be getting top surgery soon and i made the mistake of letting my family know that was dumb- and things are moving so fast who knows if it’ll be legal when they cut into me you think they’ll stop halfway through if they ban it? idk what it’s like to have friends that hang out with you and/or have any semblance of stability does that mean i make them unstable? or that i attract the unstable? does it matter?
i’ve never really learned to deal with grief- and now i’ve got to reconcile with knowing the cat who has been with me for however long- it’s been so many years i stopped counting she’s old and had FIV for as long as i’ve known her this was going to happen that doesn’t make it any easier- knowing it may not have come back if they’d finished the surgery I’ll miss her so much i already wish there was more that she says that i can understand
i wish i could’ve done more for her sooner, I love her so much and she is mortal just as the rest of us are
so is Maya i never really considered she’d die, she’s so unabashedly her, strong and complex
so is Jerry i knew he would- but i didn’t think it’d start happening so soon- and it may not be but i didn’t know id care this much, i never knew what having a dad felt like is this how it feels? does it feel different for everyone?
i’ve got to process all of this and process a major life changing surgery, and possibly having to leave everything and everyone i’ve ever known because it is rapidly becoming less safe for people like me here at least most people
i had a plan and none of this was in it
i should’ve known not to plan… expectations only breed disappointment and despair
why the freK do people babytalk with their partners??? you’ve heard them do that and y’all still fuck?
i saw a couple interact yesterday
disgusting
if vulnerability is something i ought to strive for, then why is it so fucking gross to see what happens to other’s relationships when you allow it
mind you i don’t only overshare on the internet- i do it in person too i do it so i don’t have to be actually vulnerable because AHA TRICKED YOU you thought i was letting my guard down by telling you my mom is really mean all the time buTNO! NO I SAY you have t heard of the terrors you know nothing of my days spent weeping for the ones i love that i’ve driven away by needing, for the ones i should’ve done more for, for the fact i should’ve done more for myself and still should you don’t know that the only reason i’m not crying right now when you look into my eyes is because i’m dehydrated on purpose to keep myself from crying like a bitch when someone comes along to jab at me like a caged animal, like they always do
(don’t jab at caged animals please , they’re stressed enough as it is)
no, i’m not fine nothing is fine and i wish someone would care enough to go out of their way to try and comfort me… maybe i’m not worth it though
sometimes i get so caught up in being a cringe ass faggot that i forget to go curl up and fucking die because of how lame i am
people love me and then i’m a menace to them
oh goodie- my favorite game am i picking up on a pattern of behavior that indicates my boys waning interest in me or am i simply just traumatized?
or the secret third option, BOTH
see this is what the problem with me is, underneath the makeup, and the prettiness, and the “i couldn’t really care less” facade, even sometimes under the meds
it’s just me… same old me that’s always been there
the one that cares too much
the one that ruins everything i want, by wanting it too aggressively
the same reactive, terrified, obsessive, manipulative without even meaning to be me
i don’t want to be this way, i don’t mean to be, i try so hard not to be, but it’s all i know how to do i guess, or all i’ve been shown- or whatever explains it,,, it’ll never excuse it
yeah but you didn’t need to say it like that
*cancels plans* sorry i can’t come i’m ugly
