allister 📺

he/him

[dyingclown]

INTRODUCTION 📺

Name: Allister

Pronouns: He/Him

Blog purpose: Online diary (venting, raving about my interests, etc.)

Yes, my name is Allister. No, it is not a reference to/based off of Alastor from Hazbin Hotel. It is completely separate. I understand the confusion, which is why I'm getting that out of the way now.

I occasionally post NSFW text posts, so if that makes you uncomfortable, click away! I will soon be categorizing all my NSFW posts under one tag, so you can block it if you don't want to see any of that.

Overall, my blog is completely unorganized. It is not intended to be seen by anyone, but sometimes Tumblr sets me astray onto dashboards, and that is what this post is for. I post several times a day with random thoughts of absolutely no substance. As I mentioned, this is basically my online diary. There is nothing quality or worthwhile here. This post is probably the one I've put the most thought and effort into out of all of my other posts. Feel free to browse my page, just be warned that you will be infinitely scrolling through all of my personal thoughts.

I use the following tags to categorize my posts:

#my art things - the tag i use for all of my art related posts! random scribbles, actual drawings, vent art, etc.

#my little guys - the tag i use for all of my posts about my ocs! includes art, song lyrics, random lore drops, etc. this tag also is how i categorize all of my writing/poetry, even if it is not related to my ocs.

#freaking out about you know who - this is the tag i use for all of my posts where i vent about one specific person from my past. maybe block this tag if you arent comfortable seeing topics of stalking, abuse, knives, sh, etc. basically everything bad you can think of. its just how i organize these posts for myself.

(i will be adding more tags as i continue to organize my blog! for now, i will tag all of these so they can be used like buttons to get to this content.)

Anyways, here's some info about me.

My interests/likes:

Welcome Home

Hazbin Hotel

Don't Hug Me I'm Scared

Mitski

Will Wood

Evelyn Evelyn/The Dresden Dolls/Amanda Palmer

Commedia Dell'Arte

On top of that, I collect clowns of all types. Figures, dolls, sewing patterns, posters, etc. Clowns have my whole heart <3

I am a writer and a poet. I am currently plotting out a book that I plan on publishing in a few years! I haven't formally posted information on my book or the characters on this blog (and I don't intend to), but if you want to learn more, I have tidbits of information about my characters in the #my little guys tag. I think they're pretty neat.

I am also an artist, but I barely draw anything. Figured I should mention it regardless.

Anyway, I'm not really active on social media, but I am pretty active of Pinterest. There's some fun stuff on there that I don't post to Tumblr.

💟 (clowntopia) - Profile | Pinterest

💟 | 🌈🎭🫀

End of post, goodbye!

[confessions-official]

in order to drink enough water i play pretend that my water bottle is a canteen and that im in the apocolypse. in order for this game to work, every time i drink from the ""canteen"" i go "aaa thank goodness... I really needed this water! im so glad i was able to find this sweet ambrosia..." and visualize that i am in a mad max-esc landsacpe. and whenever the waterbottle is out, i go to the nearest tap, whether or not the tap water tastes good, (sometimes bad tasting water enhances the experience!:) and turn off and on the tap a few times and let it run and go "oh! oh my god! running water! thank god, i cant remember the last time i saw running water!" and anyways its a silly way to game-ify drinking water and stay more hydrated. not really a secret or anything i just wanted to share

 

[dyingclown]

THROW IT AWAY THROW IT AWAY THROW IT AWAY

[dyingclown]

[dyingclown]

i love wearing shitty temu jewelry but they do make my hands look like those of a necrotic corpse

[dyingclown]

wtf wtf wtf whattt the fuck i am genuinely tweaking right now

apparently in may, shiloh went in and edited the script that we made together in 7th grade

they edited parts of it

and they edited my dead name to my actual name everywhere it appeasrs and assigned nicknames that relate to allister instead of my deadname

ally, Al, etc

freaking the fck out right now

[dyingclown]

no wonder 7th grade sucked. on top of everything else, i was literally experiencing spiritual psychosis. i used to journal a lot about this, maybe ill post some quotes from that soon. its genuinely mad

[dreadful-windandrain]

boys who love songs where the bridge ends with "i'm going in". can i get some noise for boys who start uncontrollably sobbing when the bridge ends with "i'm going in". is this mic on

[dyingclown]

all nightmares start as dreams

all loves starts as a scheme

GIVE ME ALL YOUR LSD SO I CAN FEEL MY MIND UNWEAVE AGAIN

THEY SAY THAT BEAUTY IS JUST SKIN DEEP

SO ANA STANDS AND RENDS THE RANCID MEAT FROM HER

BONES BONES BONES LET ME SEE YOUR BONES

[dyingclown]

[dyingclown]

had a dream that shiloh placed cameras everywhere i go in public and posted the videos of me online to make fun of them. love the vibes

[dyingclown]

Those creatures of your woken mind

Don't fear them or their hunger

Forgive the sea, follow the tide

With the monsters on your shoulder

[dyingclown]

i must be so charismatic bc my classmates really like me once they have their first conversation with me!!!

[dyingclown]

hey, guys. I haven't been posting in a while, and I have a lot that I need to talk about. things have been very rough

today is the second day of school. leading up to yesterday, I was paralyzed with fear. I've been afraid since March when I found out that Shiloh would be coming back to my school. aaaand theyre back now after so many months of trepidation and I have a lot of thoughts on it.

so, I'll start with the most notable things. I have seen shiloh in person many times. I saw him several times yesterday, and once today (as of now). we have made eye contact on several occasions. at one point, he was talking to Lilith and he pointed at me and laughed at me. so that's great.

i don't know how to feel.

when I saw him for the first time, it wasn't as earth shattering as I expected it to me. that was partially because I was with Troy for emotional support, and partially because Shiloh posted some very scathing Instagram DMS between him and Lilith to his story--dms that have inspired me to be unbothered. in the DMS, lilith and Shiloh were mocking me, saying I was gonna have a "widdle panic attack" among other insults. it really drove home the fact that they want me to fail. they want to see me cower away in fear. for them, that would be gratifying. so I cant do that, I cant be that. I have to be the best version of myself--i have to be better. that's where I'm at at this point. destroying myself would only benefit them, so I have to stay strong and fight it. I cant show any weakness. i cant slink away and hide anymore. I have to be brazen, I have to say "I'm here and there is nothing you can do to take away my happiness". he controls my life and I cant take it anymore. I have to move away from that. every time I see him, it is incredibly jarring. I think that every time I see him it will become less and less painful. me and my therapist were discussing that exposure therapy can be very helpful for those with phobias, but when that phobia is a living person, exposure therapy is near impossible. I suppose that this exposure is helping me in the long run. seeing him is scary, alarming, and surreal, but it is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. it is survivable. merely seeing him is not a death sentence. in fact, I think its the opposite. I find myself feeling more at ease when I'm in a place where I can see him and he cant see me, than when I'm by myself wondering where he is. if he is in my line of sight, at least I know that he cant hurt me. when I walk alone through hallways, however, images of violence flash through my mind. I imagine shiloh following behind me and me having no way of knowing. I imagine footsteps running up to me, and I imagine the feeling of a knife plunging into my back and the sound of ripping skin. it feels more real when he is gone than when he is right in front of me. him being here is so fucking surreal. all of my worries and nightmares have been realized, but now that they are here, it somehow feels less real than it did when it was just in my head. or, at times, it feels uncomfortably real; this is the reality I am living with and I have to do everything I can to enjoy it. the verdict that I have come to is that I cant make decisions based on Shiloh anymore. I cant avoid things because I'm scared of him. I need to carry on as I would with him gone. that is the only way I can fight back. all I can do is be unapologetically myself--that is what would piss him off. me living life as normal. I need to prove them wrong. I'm not some little bitch. I'm scared, but I'm facing my fears. this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I'm taking it day by day. progress will be slow but it will come. my life is not dictated by Shiloh's whims. I have free will. I am my own person living my own life and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me. it is terrifying. I am feeling very motivated right now, fueled by spite. fuel is fuel

my thoughts on this drastically change depending on my mood. sometimes It is harder than other times. being at school, I will likely resume my form of journaling on Tumblr. I also seriously need to figure out how to private my account, because I now have around 2.4k Instagram followers on my art account and I don't want anyone finding my tumblr. when I made my 1000+ problematic vent posts, i wasnt expecting to blow up on social media out of nowhere soooo. yeah. that's all for now

i love you all, stay safe

[dyingclown]

"i love how your bangs look like that of a sasquatch!"

THANKS BABE. @pinkstuffiesdancing

[confessions-official]

I was on a call with a friend and i started kinda yelling

"I fucking hate him. I love him, but i HATE him"

With viceral emotion that someone passed by and gave me a very concerned look

Im so sorry stranger i am not in a love hell i am not even straight i was ranting about one of my smug ass oc (who i genuinely love) who currently occupies the brain microwave

 

[dyingclown]

i hate coughing when im angry because there is no way to convey my pure hostility in that cough and people just think im fine. like no. when im pissed off, i want my coughs to sound like otherworldly roars. i dont want my measly human voice to be audible.