i haven't written here in a few months, mostly because everything in my life turned to absolute shit. i finally got over the girl i was writing about before, but i was still struggling with everything that happened after that. i won't go into it, but i finally feel like i'm at a place where i feel okay with what my situation is.
however, there is one thing that constantly plagues my mind and can't be fixed. i have been so depressed these past few months and the only things keeping me going is music and daydreaming about my future as a lesbian. lately all of my future goals are starting to feel unattainable. every potential romance always turns out as a joke, and i have gotten to the point where i have accepted that love won't happen for me. even though i've accepted it, it still hurts to think about.
i think about who i am as a femme and how i go about relationships, whether it is platonic or romantic. i often feel like an outsider in every room that i am in. i will never fit into a box, and even though it is freeing, it is also absolutely isolating. i may be dramatic, but i feel like my identity is starting to affect me in most parts of my life. i can't go one day without feeling bad. i feel this the most when i think about my love life, and how it is not looking great right now. i have completely sworn off dating apps, and it is so hard to meet someone when i only work and go to school. it is even harder to meet a butch that i'm into. unfortunately for me, i have extremely high standards. i think the worst part about this whole situation is my friends acting like this can be an easy fix. they truly don't understand lesbianism or butchfemme dynamics at all.
last week, i invited my friends to a straight bar i frequent often. i normally despise going to straight bars, but this one is my favorite because it has a theme that i am really into. i hadn't had a night out in a while or even drank in a while. i've had so much stress in my life lately and i really needed a night out. i ended up chugging five drinks pregaming in the parking lot! that was enough to let me have fun for the night but as the night went on, i unfortunately started to get a bad feeling and revealed some thoughts i've been having. all night i've seen my friends have fun with their boyfriends or dancing with men. one of my single friends was ranting to my other friend about a guy she was hooking up with. i spaced out during most of these conversations. even though this was my favorite bar, i suddenly started to feel very out of place. i even felt like an outsider with my best friends. as the night progressed, i started talking out of my ass and mentioned how i really wanted something romantic with someone soon but i didn't see it happening. i also mentioned that i've made peace with me being alone forever. my friend, bisexual with a boyfriend, told me to just "kiss the girl over there" and when i told her she was fem, probably straight, and not my type, she said "well you can just eventually turn her into a masc." she always says the wrong things. i told her it doesn't work that way and she said "i'm a bisexual with a boyfriend so how should i know?" even though i surprisingly opened up, i instantly regretted it.
today all of my friends and i were on facetime with our long distance friend who was in town. we don't hear from her often, but whenever we do she always has some insane story about the guys she hooks up with. i listened to every story in horror. she later ended up crashing out over the guy she was in love with, and the friend from before told her to kiss me to get over it. i have never once kissed my friends or expressed any interest to. i felt so weird at that moment, and it really solidified my suspicion that either my friend does not respect my identity or she fetishizes me. it may be both. the amount of times i've heard her say things about her wanting me to kiss women is way too many to count. it really rubs me the wrong way.
sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i ever end up with a butch and introduce them to my friends. would she still say the same things? would they be worse? well, i guess the good thing is me believing that i will never end up with one no matter how bad i want to.
i really am trying so hard to move on with my life and grow as a person, but yet this is the one way of thinking i can't let go of. i'm still young and have a long life ahead of me, but somehow i feel like i am running out of time and i am undesirable. maybe part of this is because i don't date often. i get irritated hearing my friends' stories with men, sometimes wishing my love life could be that easy, even if its awful. i just want something new to happen to me. every time i go out with my friends, they always find some guy to dance with, flirt with, or makeout with. i always wish that it was that easy for me. instead, i live a loner femme life. i don't have a roster, i don't casually date, and i don't hook up. i wish that would change. i'm not sure where i am going with this rant anymore, i'm just frustrated with not being able to relate to my friends, not being able to experience much, and feeling like i've lost all hope in who i am.
anyways, i've been listening to a lot of brandi carlile lately and this song came up as i was typing this. i hope i can relate to this song in the future. ooo a loving butch come save me now ooo
