Today is the day that marks it all. The lies, the distrust, and an undeniable lust for affection all leading up to that single moment. I am no longer needed and no longer wanted. She has finally moved on for good, the very thing I’ve been so deathly scared of for the past 4 years. I find myself shaking, violently, and uncontrollably. Is this the point where I end it? I ask myself for at least the thousandth time. Now what good would that do but prove her right? I find myself living in a dilemma, I have all the ingredients to form a nearly broken tough human being who has suffered too many tragedies in his childhood. Alongside a burning hatred for all that has wronged him and a will to act on for the fucking last time. I am overly filled with my anger for so many cowardice people who have hidden their true selves from me for as long as I can’t remember. Yet also with sadness having known how much we have lost in the act of departing from one another. She never truly cared and I think that’s what I’ve been struggling with this whole time, I’ve always tried to convince myself that maybe someone just someone out there would actually be a decent human with no underlying factors or ulterior motives. I think what I’ve really been coming to terms with is that person doesn’t exist, and I don’t think they ever really will. I need to accept that humans, naturally, will take. They will take, and steal, and pillage, and rape but above all, they do not care. And truly that is what needs to be understood from this all. So after all that I’ve been through; the drama, emotional termoil, being lead on, and used for what I can do and not who I am. I feel calm knowing that I’m the one with all the knives in my back.
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