The Earthbound Clouds

Max. Ph.D. None of my posts are real. They're just some jokes I thought of. 

[earendil-was-a-mariner]

Bilbo: and before your quest, I have this mithril coat for you. Wear it under your clothes. That way, you can fake your death and watch the rest of the Fellowship to see how they act when they think you just died. 

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*Getting close to the the Grey Haven*

Frodo: Hey Sam, remember when I got in that boat and started sailing away from you at the end of the Fellowship?

Sam: yeah…

Frodo: I have bad news for you

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Sauron: Hi I’d like to enslave you and turn you into tortured souls who must do my bidding give you these gold rings look how shiny they are

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“Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king,” said Boromir, the son of the person who was the king of Gondor in all but name

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Sauron: *to the Nazgul* You lost Frodo in front of a stream? You got overtaken by a small flood? Yeah okay, I’m giving you flying birds this time. No more horses for any of you.

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Witch King: *to Gandalf* Old fool! This is my hour. Do you not know Death when you see it? 

Narrator: The Witch King would be dead in 15 minutes. 

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Frodo: Hey Aragorn, what’s this piece of paper I found by your tent? It has some verses on it about me falling into Mt. Doom. “Fair Frodo fell into the lava, like a leaf down to the forest floor, and brave as he was in spirit and strength, of him we will see no more”

Aragorn: Whenever anyone dies I like to recite some poetry on the spot about them. Those are some lines I was working on, just in case. You weren’t supposed to see that. 

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If Sauron had won at the end of LotR, they could still have called it the Return of the King

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I would like to take the time to remind everyone of how sassy Tolkien could be, as evidenced by this response to people who did not like his book:

“Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.”

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I love that Earendil gets to Valinor only to find that every single citizen has deserted their homes to attend a giant celebration. Clearly it’s called the Undying Land because the party never ends. 

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Gandalf: Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check…

Boromir: You mean like how Gondor’s army keeps Mordor in check?

Gandalf: But I have found that it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love.

Boromir: Fuck off. 

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When Sam decides not to use the ring because “…one small garden of a free gardener was all his need and due, not a garden swollen to a realm,” isn’t that kind of a stab at Galadriel?

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It’s funny that Frodo says “I am glad you are here with me. Here at the end of all things, Sam” because at the real end of all things when Frodo goes to Valinor, he leaves Sam behind. Hahaha. So funny. 

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Family: so when are you going to start dating?

Me: I am on nobody’s side, because nobody is on my side

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Frodo: It is useless to meet revenge with revenge; it will heal nothing

Feanor: …And if any god, or man, or elf, or maiar even looks at a Silmaril I will murder you so badly that Illuvitar won’t know where to send your spirit because he won’t know what you are anymore. 

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Sam: Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What’s happened to the world?

Gandalf: *laughs* No no, my dear boy. Boromir is still dead. 

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if Glorfindel had joined the Fellowship, it would have been worth it just to see the argument between him and Gandalf about who should face the Balrog.