Eating Crumbs in the Park @eatingcrumbsinthepark - Tumblr Blog

Too Niche

I'd just right out say it. Started running again last year, and was just straight out putting such a high target. I am just so proud of my 5K PB I got way back in 2022. The first time I ran sub-30 5K. A shy humble 29:04. So I wanted to repeat it. After years of not training after years of not running. I achieved another sub-30 5K last year albeit a bit slower. And injured. Checked many many times it wasn't supposed to be anything serious. No tear, no fracture, no crack whatsoever. Just a humble overused knee, a simple PFPS that can go away on its own.

The next was a 10K. Didn't have any target just want to be chill with it and whatever. Didn't even wear my speed shoes, just a humble stability shoes. It worked. Then the pain was subsided, gone, manageable whatever. It's still there.

Then I finished a HM last month. My very first ever HM. Didn't fully race it, just wanted to finish with my long run pace and don't aggravate the knee. I did it. Then I did my strength, then another HM distance. It's back and plaguing me. The pain then moved and the whole biomechanics just seem wrong and I'm spiraling. Ok, I cried. Whatever.

I'm not saying this to be sound humble. I am objectively a slow runner. I am not gifted that I suddenly found out that I have a great lung capacity or very strong muscles etc. I'm just slow and doing my best. It's the only that beats. When I run it's so quiet and live is bearable.

I have my marathon date (still waiting on the visa but practically I'm dead set on it). I just want to do it. I just want to finish it for no other reason other than I just want to. I just want the world to be quiet. That I can just run and run and run and things may fall apart but I'll always have this escape. But it's just pain, arguably manageable pain but it's been plaguing me for far too long. People recover from it almost immediately. It's plaguing me. I just want to run and be alive and run and run and run. So I cried today, after finishing my 21km distance. I am such a food. I am so scared it's like people don't understand the emphasize I put to this whatever running thingy. It's not that I want to be the fastest the strongest or whatever. When I run it beats and things are okay again. I just want to be able to do this one thing that keeps its rhythm, the one thing that holds my world together. I can feel it snapping and my mind is in a whirlwind. It has to be now. It has to be.

It's like learning how to breathe again. It's the only thing that allows me to exist. The space that lets me cocoon. I'm not trying to be the best I just want this one thing to work. To be okay in a nonsensical world I'm living in. It's just painful, not only the leg, but everything.

I feel like I'm cursed or something. It's just that I finally found something but it decides to fall apart too. I'm not trying to be the fastest I'm such a shitty runner I just want to do this. I just want to do my best to run as much as I want. I just want to feel okay, even though it's just for the several hours when I'm out running. I just want to hold on to this one nonsensical thing. Not for anyone just for me to be kept forever.

Now that I am almost 30, I can see how most of my adult (and teen, arguably pre-teen) life is plagued with an obsession with self-destruction. It is not always there, it comes and goes but when it comes it stays for years and when it goes it was just a blink of an eye. When you are an outsider looking in, you can pick the terrible behaviour so distinctly that it is shocking that the person who is in the trajectory of self-destruction isn't being aware of it. I have that feeling when reading about Jude on A Little Life. To compare, yes I'm nothing like him. His self-destruction is also bolder than mine. It was more serious, mine is more pretentious perhaps. My shrink said I always have this idea of comparing myself with others. That I shouldn't be too sad because my life isn't as bad as others. That I shouldn't be too happy because my life isn't as great as others yadda yadda yadda.

I think it was after I did some online depression test from a random seemingly medical looking site that I read that you are not supposed to think about self-destruction. There is no normal amount of how many thoughts one could have when thinking about self-destruction. It should be always 0. Well I don't remember the last time I have 0 thoughts about it. What kind of life I'd had if I never thought of that at all. Huh, interesting.

There is this one pro runner I currently watch on YT who shares about her past struggle with ED. She had that for 12 years. 12 whole fucking years of her life were robbed by the constant thoughts of limiting calories, staying thin, while running with massive mileage and high pace every single week. Pretty insane that she had nagging thoughts even though she clearly burned massive calories every single run. So, I am a slow runner and I burned around 800-1000 cals in a single weekend run. In a single run. I am not even pro. Anyway, this is what 800+ cals looks like:

All 3 plates combined fuel only 1 whatever run I did on a weekend. Not counting other basic functioning needs. I am not a pro. I am not even fast as a casual runner. The thought of limiting calorie intake to the point of her bones breaking 8 times during those 12 years of training is just so beyond me. My running got pretty serious this year and I learned that even I have to eat a lot to survive my training.

It's insane that the thought plagues for way too long even though it is nonsensical. To a certain degree, even with mine, I can argue that it is nonsensical. However, I am almost 30 and still couldn't get rid of it. While it took a different shape, the goal is all the same. I am a ticking bomb trying to self-destruct. I come to a point where I just want to be at peace with it. Like it will always there, a lifetime companion or whatever, so I just want to make peace. To survive despite of it. Despite of the morally debilitating thoughts. Despite of the petrifying visions that come my way. I want to be a bystander, to watch it all pass by and such.

I am almost 30 and I am such a child.

Good God, it is new year and the world is slipping away even further

This knee pains me in more ways than I can even imagine. My right knee decided "oh let's just be insane that's cool right" somewhere in August last year. Then it decided not to quickly. Then it is insane again. Like a stupid cycle it is haunting me.

It was almost stupid. I can walk fine like whatever. It's just that it keeps on coming back whenever I started my runnning. Fine. Whatever. What is the importance of running anyway if only this is not the only thing that keeps me sane. Why is my world crumbling and I feel like everything is slipping away even further? It is fucking new year well congratulations.

#Youtube

Mother (i)

She passed away a few weeks ago, just three days after my 29th birthday. It was only after her passing that I saw the remnants of her efforts through the cancer that had been eating her body: the hospital bed, her loose dresses still drying in the backyard, her last text message she sent me (unopened, even until now), saying that she had this terrible headache in caps lock. My father told me about the headaches afterwards, after I went back home after almost a year trying to cut ties with my family.

After I received the news of her passing, I still attended a work meeting, pointing out a certain graph and questioning things calmly. The reality of it hadn't caught on to me yet. I was merely dumbfounded. I missed her funeral and only went home afterward. My father rushed to hug me while I cried cried cried. I didn't know why I cried.

The house made me lethargic; I only wanted to get out of there fast. I didn't bring flowers when I first visited her grave, the second day of her passing. The roses on her grave have withered due to the scorching sun. There she lay, between my grandparents, aunts, and a cousin. I cried again and my eyes were swollen throughout the whole weekend. I ate and then cried, I took a shower and then cried, I lay on the bed and then cried. I always said that I dislike my mother, that I am scared to grow up to be her.

The third day after her passing, I went to the market to buy her flowers. I was looking for orchids, the only thing she held dear to her. She might even like them more than me. A beautiful bloom that soothed her heart. My father told me that during her last days she tended to them, repotting and loving them, though she left it unfinished. I couldn't find orchids so I bought roses and a bouquet of red flowers. I put them on her grave, and again I cried under the hot burning sun.

I am in a daze and wish I knew why she hated me. Did she even know that she despises my whole being? I always wish that my sister was born before me and became an only child. She will love her wholeheartedly, dearly, full to the brim.

I found an orchid seller on the fourth day after her passing, picked it up in the morning before visiting her. We put the orchid on her grave, knowing that the sun will burn its petals mercilessly. Apparently my mother had been frequenting the same seller. It might have died by now.

I started a new job the following week after my mother's passing and all I wanted was to tell people that my mother had died. I wanted to blurt it out in between the usual conversation that she has died. I wanted to tell everyone that my mother, who I never truly had, had died now. That she lay there beneath the ground, under the brittle orchids bloom.

I bought my father and sister new clothes and food. I was never there sitting with my family during any of the prayers, I ran and hid. I cried while my boyfriend hugged me, the warmth engulfed me while I weeped even louder. I told him many times that now I truly don't have a mother any longer. I wanted to shout it out to the deaf ears. When I remembered about her I cried unwillingly. I wished that she were loved a little bit more.

#march

How to not Inflict Scars on Your Skin

What are the most important things in life?

Though embarrassing, I have this habit to punish myself when things don't go well. Last night I slept without showering first, not even brushing my teeth or washing my face. I almost ignore the need to pee: already closing my eyes and turning off the light. A lego set that I've been wanting for months got discounted that day, and I just holding off buying one because I thought that I did not deserve it. I said to myself that tomorrow if I receive a good news, I'd buy it.

I woke up today at 7.30 and looking at the lego set again. It got cheaper so I bought it, albeit feeling guilty. Mostly because I could not hold off the payment, it only gave me 5 minutes to think. So I paid, not because I wanted the set at that time, but because I feel like I kind of have to. I felt guilty because I haven't received a good news. I thought that I blew it.

Around 3 pm, someone told me about things that I've been wanting to hear. A good news, finally. So I sighed. I have no energy anymore at that point. So I just going through the day with my eyes closed. If I didn't punish myself, will things turn out well still?

I want to be kind to my skin. I've been wanting to char it, to skin myself alive. I thought that I'd be pretty after that. It will peel and underneath will come something people will be more comfortable to look at. I think it is kind of hard to reverse the habit. To be kind to yourself, and albeit of things that happen on and again, it is you who you should be kind with first and foremost.

Crying is permissible, ruining the skin is not. What are the most important things in life? To go back running again, to be out in the field closing my eyes while the wind brings the scents of life. Or perhaps to eat my favorite slice of cake. To run under the rain, again, just because it is so freeing.

I think that to be able to be kind to yourself is the most important thing in life.

wish that ive never been born at all. i alienate you and you then alineate me from everything that i love.

Choosing to Stay Alive Everyday is Such an Adult Thing To Do

When was it decided for humans to go through a life, each so particularly distinct, but also not that they feel a sense of belonging but also so alone in all of it? I see it as a cruel game played over and over. Sometimes I want to close my eyes and let things pass. To not feel a thing when things happened. To be distanced and content with my however fragile being. Sometimes people talk too fast I couldn't comprehend. Sometimes people walk too fast I couldn't catch up. Sometimes I feel like I want to throw up and clean my inside so that I'd be new.

Because what I could do with things that I could do, the hands that are given to me, and the gift (/curse) of being alive, yet I still mourn. If I decompose or liquified will I feel a thing. Will I matter, at least, becoming the fertilizer for food, to be cooked, and be served as your lunch. It is insane to be alive, but even more to die. An experience so alien oh I wish to close my eyes and let things pass and pass and pass. I hope these things that I dearly cherish won't matter anymore. I hope these things will decompose and become beautiful black soil for things to grow. I wish you to grow and bloom.

Living in an Autopilot Mode is not Going Well

I could not remember a distinct exact moment when it happened. It will be convenient if I can point it out and single out the culprit (or culprits). If I could cup it with my bare hands and throw it away in the trash bin, never again to be found, I would be enthralled. Instead I find myself in a state of decay and then maybe because it is not the time for me to die just yet, it becomes a halt. A stop. A motion suspended. While the world around me keeps on pushing me to move, I then slowly walked again, I breathed the gray polluted air again, I moved. Almost like me, limbs. I told my friend that I am exhausted and felt like life is running towards me and I am just there trying to shield my face to no avail. It comes like a hurricane, it folds your body into shapes, it destroys. I wish I could just truly truly stop.

Last week, I passed my probation. I remember that by the start of that week, I keep on thinking that I need a good news. Just one good news please, to keep me going for a bit more. I have been expecting the decision for my probation. I was struggling and eventually passed. Barely, I guess. After the news came, nothing changed. I am still nothing but struggling limbs.

I remember during this one stand-up meeting that runs for almost 1.5 hours, I looked out the window. Outside was an empty land with tall green grass. I remember thinking of just lying down there and decaying. A sword, silver and glistening, above me, making me bleed slowly. The sun was up there too but it was kind to me. I remember thinking of just being there, bleeding, and just waiting and waiting and waiting. It feels almost too peaceful, to be able to be there. And I stared at the empty land, again and again playing this scenario that never happened nor ever will.

I learned something about subtraction earlier this week. A friend posted on her social, that she has been feeling odd and exhausted and unable to do things that she used to love. She keeps on adding loads, while subtracting things that bring her joy. I think I need to learn how to do the correct subtraction too.

If she lives nearby, I'd come over and bring food. So then we could talk and maybe cry together. Another friend told me that she cried while she drove over to my place. She cried during the red light, and then when the color changed, she felt a change of emotion too. She told me that she has been doing a good exercise of compartmentalizing, while unsure if it is the best way to go. I wish that she could cry without the need of waiting for a red light and drain out her despair before moving on too fast. I wish there is a corner for you to cry as well.

There is nothing I can do about it anymore

I heard it spoken by Ha Seok Jin on The Devil's Plan show on Netflix. I have always loved a game show, reality TV shows type of thing. The trashier the better to the point that I got kinda embarrassed when someone asked me for a Netflix recommendation. On top of my mind, there is a list containing trashy shows that I enjoy that may raise an eyebrow when mentioned loudly. It was similar to that one time when my old colleague asked me about the kind of music that I listen to. Suddenly I was lost, because I listened to an amalgamation of whatever YouTube was recommending to me. I haven't had that certain appreciation for Lorde, and all I can think about is Rihanna. And when I said her name, in my mind I was talking about Hate That I Love You but he probably thought that I was talking about Umbrella. It is not necessarily embarrassing but he commented right away that it didn't seem to suit me. Much like my appreciation toward trashy shows, perhaps, but well, I enjoy it.

The Devil's Plan is not trashy though. It was a mind game and I still think they chose a lot of wrong candidates. So anyway, it's been a while since I watched The Devil's Plan but that sentence stuck with me. It was similar to that one time when a participant for Masterchef Junior said something similar. He was about to be eliminated but before his name was called, he said something related to that. Today was not his day, he said. The way he said that a child, the ability to acknowledge the SNAFU, was portrayed again by the 40-ish-something Ha Seok Jin. I wonder what can I do thus I can also do the same thing. To accept that yes humans make mistakes and we are just born not perfect and it is okay and I don't have to skin myself every time it happens. I was in a daze, and I have been very anxious lately, waiting for an ending. Waiting is a terrible thing to do. Especially when there is nothing I can do anymore and all that needs to be done is done, that may be just maybe I make mistakes along the way too and sometimes it is okay but also sometimes it is not.

I remember one of my previous managers said to me that deadlines are stupid. I was dumbfounded because I had been working for weeks while she was on sick leave, back to back trying my best to fulfill the thousands of deadlines. But then she said, no one dies and that makes sense too. If I were to make mistakes, that was to be expected too, I shouldn't do it all by myself. It was not only up to me. If people don't want to help when I reach out, it is not my fault.

I retraced my steps during this waiting time. Maybe I wrote something bad. Maybe I should not show the bad time and how I recover from it. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'm just stupid. The thing is that I was trying my best to leave. Staying scares me. But when I've done my best through this one process, truly there is nothing else I can do other than pat myself on the back because I have tried my best (I truly am this time) and I made mistakes too but I am still alive so there is always a next time there is always a chance.

A long time ago I was in a hurry trying to reach a train station. I asked the driver to hurry but rather than feeling anxious I was calm. If I missed the train, then it's okay. I can buy a new ticket, or find a bus, or just stay here and apologize. But if I were to die due to a crash because I was in a hurry, then there is no next time, there is no new chance anymore.

I am saying all this to calm myself. Because I am exactly back to that certain position, of waiting, of trying my very best, and I have been angry too and anxious too. This is me reminding myself that all done is done and there is nothing I can do to fix the past. All I can do is move on, and do what I can do, and I need to wait at least 7 more hours before it is okay to do anything else. Most of the time we can only try our best and hope for a fruitful result. In the future, maybe even tomorrow, maybe I will be angry at myself again but I hope that I will also remember that I have tried my best and sometimes it is the stupidest silliest things that crumble it all. And it is okay anyway, that nothing is easy but also we can always learn and do our very best. This is a reminder, perhaps, that I can not undo the past. But rather, just keep moving on. I wish that I will remember this.

have you ever felt so helpless

i read somewhere that being 25+ is being in the wrong side of 25 and i agree. i feel like being an adult meaning that you can control yourself. rather than having bursts of emotions, you find a way out. this is not at all saying that you cant have any emotion but rather you feel it and knowing that it is just that: your feelings. it happened, it sucks, you are sad or angry and move on. you dont feel the need to feed it to feel okay again. but rather, like waves, it passed. i dont know, i feel like i wouldnt know.

my psychologist said that i deeply disappointed to any minor inconveniences because i feel like ive done so much. i feel like ive sacrificed so much. but maybe it is never about how much youve done. but rather whether it is meaningful and i didnt know that.

sometimes i feel like things are irreparable: the genocide, the people, the greed. i have a very pessimistic view of the world i guess. if the world is meant to be filled with discomfort, what is the point in continuing?

about things that i want to do, to sleep peacefully and laugh with my friends. sometimes i feel like it is so meaningless and i guess sometimes it is not. i look at the body that i have and i am grateful for being able to run, albeit slowly, but i run anyway. things that i do, mediocre at best, things i keep dear and near.

i remember listening to this odd band ive never heard about because i like a boy. i felt jittery sitting beside him, unable to look at him in the eye. i like him and i felt proud when he jumped and its been years and i still remember that. i remember things that happened, when i like another boy, and he smoked quietly, his gentle laughs and raspy voice. i ended up hating the smell of cigarettes.

if i were to go back to the past, i want to stretch it endlessly. staying there as long as i could, where i feel warm and content and naive. when things are strange but not intimidating. i want to stretch it far and wide, and make a cocoon, for me to take a rest and just sleep. if not then i want to run and exhaust myself. the noise grows faint, it mumbles and dies. it gives space that id keep dear and near, where id sleep with the sounds that keep me sane.

animatedtext

Feeling Miserable and Such: a Whatever Whatever

I read somewhere a long time ago that this person has this 'dark thoughts' blog in which they write about their stupidest and darkest thoughts that are too embarrassing to be shared with others. I think this is my kind of 'dark thoughts' blog. But anyway, when I am still seeing my psychologists, these are the types of things that I'd share with them. The last two were great. They were expensive. My previous job had 'mental health' insurance thus I did not need to worry. One was IDR 200,000 per visit if I am not mistaken. The other one, the last one I had were IDR 500,000 per visit. It was a lot but it was paid fully by my previous company. (Honestly, since my very first visit to professionals, it was always paid by insurance even since my very first job. It was such a HUGE privilege. Couldn't imagine, really, my fresh graduate salary to pay that expense monthly/biweekly). After I changed job, they did not have the same insurance so paying it by myself was kind of hard in a way that it is the kind of expense I never had or had to think of before. After I changed job and had used all of my visit credit, I stopped seeing anyone. Which was okay, changing job worked well for my mental being. Well, until now-ish.

Since December I have felt miserable a lot. I ended up disliking the job I had, it was different from what I expected so I started picking out the shallowest reasons for leaving (it might be shallow for others, but as my psychologist pointed out, I have struggled so much thus I expected these kind of simple things to go my way). It was the AC, the internet, the lack of phone booths and meeting rooms, the internet, the internet, the internet. It's not like we worked from some suburban office. It is in the middle of the city.

I felt like I hit a huge brick wall or something. I mean of course, yes, I see that I still have other things going on with my life but does that mean that I can't be unhappy about this certain situation? I miss running, too. I miss it a lot, running while listening to random playlist that I made (it has Lorde's Glory and Gore, Kendrick Lamar's Humble, Mamamoo's Dingga, Cornershop's Brimful of Asha, and Crazy Frog all in one place; it is a lot). I like it. Whatever, really.

But also I technically have a writing job. Not writing fictions, or whatever. Starting mid 2022, I am a copywriter as well. I mean I got paid for writing so it counts. I am not too sure. Being alive is kind of stupid anyway. I am now closer to 30 than 20. I am at that age now. I feel like I am feeling less miserable writing this sentence than I was 3 paragraphs ago.

On trips, I feel like things that I cherished the most were the simplest: hanging out at a great coffee shop talking about nonsense, eating home-made lontong medan alone in my hotel room, looking at the sunset after eating plates of sate. Getting older and closer to 30, I feel like I am not exactly an adult. But I wish that I'd do whatever I want and be less miserable. I'd find it. I'll use a lot of bravado. Whatever, really. This is my first time being at this age.

Sometimes I wonder whether they get tired of me. Of course they are, listening to my measly problems. I mean, whatever. I am not the first human being who is pushing 30. A lot of people have done this. It is so stupid to be alive like what the hell am I supposed to do? I should start running again.

Hanging Out with Friends

I caught myself in the middle of the sentence. We ate Korean BBQ and I wanted to talk more but felt like I couldn't. I felt like I couldn't talk much. I didn't want to keep it to myself; I wanted you to listen to me speaking unfiltered but I felt like I shouldn't. Maybe we did not really know each other. I kind of dislike it.

Months ago, I hung out with another friend. Me and a few friends rented an apartment for a three day holiday. Everyone else was asleep; but me and friend A were restless and talked in the living room while a movie that nobody was paying attention to playing in the background.

We talked a lot. I caught myself sometimes but then friend A decided to let go. We spoke a lot; about family and boyfriend; about job and money. Being an adult is hard; almost 30 but still learning the curve. We talked and talked and talked; we wanted to do so much more but also wanted peace above all else. We did so much and commended each other for surviving. Grateful that we met.

Friend B may have decided that I was not good enough anymore to be kept close. I, Friend B, and Friend C celebrated birthdays together; ate many dinners and lunches together; yet one day you just decided to leave. I wished that instead of saying yesses to us and cancelled last minute, you'd scream and pointed fingers instead. I cried when I was heartbroken and you were there comforting me. I wish that we lasted a bit longer.

I met friend D early last year. We haven't met anymore since; it's been months; you haven't even answered any of my message since. We ate dimsum while we talked about the year. Things that happened between friend D and her boyfriend, her prayer, and such. We talked a lot and we listened to each other a lot. When was it when you decided that you will not reply to my message anymore. Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe you have firmly decided that I wasn't a good friend anymore.

I saw the firework last night from my balcony. I remember the firework that we saw together, years ago, along with two of our mutual friends from your room. I did not want to grow apart. I really want to listen to you telling me about your work, your family, your boyfriend and exes. I kind of wish that you'd scream at me instead; telling me the hurt. I want to have a dinner with you.

Is Life Also This Hard for Everyone Else

a note, a rambling noise.

I remember crying while cooking for lunch; while listening to a sad song that suddenly came up on my playlist. I remember other things as well, such as the hardship and times when I felt utterly helpless. He appeared and suddenly became the only good thing during the sorrowful days.

He still does the right things, now, even after years while we keep on changing. He changed a lot and the person that I fell in love with was still there but also I was introduced to new facades. I changed as well and he was introduced to someone who is not quite me but also me. At this point in life, admitting that you know yourself is a lie. How do you embrace the not-knowing, while vowing for a life together forever?

Is life this hard for everyone else. A friend of mine may need to marry someone even though she dearly loves someone else. "And we've agreed on that and we will do exactly that." A whatever together forever. A forever running and saying only the expected, not what actually is.

A friend of a friend was abused by their partner. She was beaten up, purple and blue, and blood was everywhere. She survived while I listened to that story told on a podcast, in my room, thinking about the hardship. A friend told me, "Those three that got beaten up, strangely they were all my old friends during different periods."

Being born a woman is also a hardship. I wonder what a friend told their parents. "Oh I will move out, I will do a million things thus you won't know any more hardship." Also to her boyfriend. "I am leaving this place are you coming with me."

Another friend was oooh-ing, "I hate this toxic job yet I couldn't afford the pay cut. My family needs me." Things worked out and she is happier. Things are hard still, and she needs to live while hiding herself.

In September, things also work out for other friends. A reunion, a marriage. Celebrating beautiful things while also crying during the hardship. We laughed. Feeling lonely but keeping it close.

A friend got accepted as a master's student. Celebration, and new milestones. Is life also this joyful for everyone else.

Notes on Q1'23 Achievement: We Could (Not) Have It All

The messy period of my life due to an abrupt decision of switching careers in a dramatic I couldn't even care now-or-never type of way is coming to an end. There are many things that I neglect, such as sleep, but also many others. Living with a small amount of sanity left, I even feel grateful for the time I spare to cook a simple dinner or do laundry or simply do nothing.

Naturally, things that I neglect are coming back at me, the lower achievements, the backlogs, the yadda yadda. Do I trade too much of what is in my possession? Possibly. But I don't have much time left. I guess, coming out of it alive and well is my only purpose. Coming out of it I realize that apparently, I can do so much but only that much until I burst open and implode.

Maybe I can do better. But maybe I'll come out of it torn. Looking back, I guess I've done my best and that's okay. The lower number, the backlogs, honestly, I'd take it. Gladly bidding farewell to all the crazy shit I've endured.

Inspired by a stranger on Twitter who listed things that were happening to her in Q1, I thought I'd just do the same. Filtered minimally or just according to my liking.

1. Got a job offer last week, which is exciting but also scary since it is a quite sharp career pivot and I will be starting from literal ground zero. I took a step back in career, perhaps, for whatever it's worth. It is 0.46am when I write this, my thoughts are very negative but I swear that I am excited and the job offer is a miracle in itself 🌷

2. Told my line manager that I was resigning from my current position. He was speechless but he always knew that I'll be leaving anyway, just not this soon. I think he felt blindsided but then again, it's not like I never told him any of this anyway.

3. Craving wine so so much, but I am fasting and trying my best.

4. Possibly the hardest Ramadan, due to the amount of work that needs to be done. It is a marathon everyday. I am literally spent and glad that I will be leaving soon.

5. Had a bad feeling regarding my freelance work, it is concerning. This is the scene that I create in my head for now. Due to the crazy load at my main job, I am exhausted and left feeling useless all the time.

6. New person in charge at work, made work less and less enjoyable everyday. Perhaps the push that I need to finally change.

7. Found a new therapist with way lesser queue. I like her so far, it was just that I got so busy I couldn't even find the time to make an appointment.

8. Boyfriend is becoming more religious. He is facing enormous challenges and what soothes him is sholat 🌻

I guess that's all the recap. While it's not a very positive Q1, I am optimistic of the changes that will come in the coming months. Godspeed 🪷

i really am trying my best. but it is the fact that i try to do everything all at once that exhausts me. i would love to sit down and do nothing for a bit.

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