5 years has gone by quick...
5 years ago today... my life was changed forever. here's a bit of my journey as i reflect back over the last 5 years
when i was in the hospital, it was all a blur... much morphine kept me in a daze, but i remember feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people who responded and drove literally hours to spend days with me in the hospital. it felt like a roller-coaster. no longer was i in control of my life, i was just along for the ride. people making decisions for me. schedules and plans being dropped and new ones being made for me. at one point, laying in my hospital bed, i remember attempting to pray in my head, and all i could think to say was, "well God, now i really am truly Yours... all my plans have gone out the window and i don't know what my life will be now... so do with me what You will..." i remember vividly, feeling His response, saying, "this isn't for you, it's for others..." His words have stuck with me more than anything
2 1/2 months later i was released from the hospital. i moved in with a family in Fillmore, CA. my friends moved me out of my house after i got hurt because they didn't know how long i would be in the hospital, and i couldn't afford to pay rent on a house i wasn't living in. all my stuff in boxes, stored at various locations. having no idea where anything was, i slowly started to piece my life back together. i felt lost and unsure. i had no direction, and thought my life was over, and in many ways it was... at least life as i knew it. i remember spending a lot of time in bed. it was too hard to sit up, let alone get into my wheelchair. i felt like the world outside kept spinning, and i was forgotten and alone, unable to keep up and participate. that was the lowest point for me... i remember having coffee with my friend sean (who was with me when i got hurt, and the first person to rush to me)... lost alone uncertain about anything, i found these words escaping my lips: "i don't think i'm long for this world..." he encouraged me as best he knew how, i think... i didn't have much mobility, but the church kept me on staff, and i returned to do worship on my schedule, which at first was about once every other month. slowly i started getting back involved with the college group... there i started talking with a girl, who i had known before through a mutual friend, but had never spoken to.
we started hanging out, eventually started dating. i totally latched on and idealized her, thinking "this must be the one". she was pretty and she loved God. and for some reason she wanted to be with me. i was certain nobody would want me, especially now being in a wheelchair. like a freight-train heading downhill impossible to stop, we rushed into marriage, bought a house, moved to Oregon, got new jobs, left our friends, all my support system... we had problems right away, both with issues compounded by not really knowing each other before tying the knot. her mom got sick with cancer, and four months later she passed away. my wife pushed me away after that. i felt like she looked at me like a parasite. i think she was thinking, "God didn't heal my mom, so He's not going to heal erik... and now i'm stuck with this..." i could be wrong, but that's how it felt... she kicked me out of the house for 2 months, told me to go fix myself and come back changed or she's divorcing me... so i left, went on a road trip... a journey to ask tough questions from people who know me and aren't afraid to tell it like it is... it was tough, but i felt i got some answers, and was stronger. i came back different, healthy boundries, and knowing i needed to try to hear her complaints without defending myself... when i returned i felt i had changed, but she had not... it got evil... i mean really evil... she was doing things and saying things and threatening things... i had to leave. she filed for divorce on our 2 year anniversary...
so i moved to Sisters, OR, where i had been teaching and commuting to while living in Bend... i wanted to be closer to work, and i started to get connected to people here, and the church, and my counselor is here... i felt at home, at peace, like this is where i was supposed to be. i thought about moving back to CA, but didn't want to make any major life decisions for at least a year. i needed to heal. i needed to deal with my crap for the first time in my life. it was going to take hard work and much intentionality.
one of the major things i discovered about myself since the divorce was i had lost my sense of identity. of all the things this traumatic event took from me, the biggest was my identity. i was no longer the College Group Leader. i was no longer the Worship Leader. i was no longer the guy in that band. i was no longer the Hockey Player. i was no longer the guy who rides a Harley. all of those things i DID, which gave me a sense of who i AM, was gone... when i was married, i felt my wife thought the things i liked to do were worthless things, and i was wasting my time - time i should be spending with her. so i became anemic inside with no balls and no confidence and no individuality, which caused me to lash out in weird passive aggressive ways. i began to realize that before i was hurt, my identity was found in all the wrong things. those things defined me, but they weren't who i was. so when they got taken because of my physical limitations, I became lost...
so the search continues, going on year #2, for who i am, and where my identity is... where do i place my hope, my purpose, the point of my existence in time and space... if it's in temporary, finite things, where moth and rust destroy, the minute those things are no more, i am lost... so i'm trying with everything in me, to chase after the eternal... to pursue God.
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