transcript:
āSo we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And theyāre like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronicā¦ like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleepā and they donāt include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screamsĀ āfestive holiday cheerā like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothinā will jingle your jangles more.
So, um, this woman comes in and sheās like,Ā āDo you have these?ā and Iām like,Ā āOh my god, yeah!ā So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is,Ā āIām not racist, butā¦ā and Iām like, well, I canātā Iām not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if likeā if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, weāre talking about Santa. Likeā (stuttering) did we switch subjects?
And so, um, Iām in like, Iā the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like,Ā āThis is not right.ā and Iām like, okay, Iām sorry, but this is what the picture was. And sheās like,Ā āNo.Ā Santa is white.ā And Iām like, oh no, okay. Okay. So Iām inā Iām about to tell her, Iām like, mid-sentence, like,Ā āIām sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.ā And sheās like,Ā āThis is wrong, I want them taken down.ā She interrupts me, says that, and Iām like, (pause). I like, look around, and Iām like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.
So, um, Iām like,Ā āI canāt take these Santas down.ā And sheās like,Ā āWhy not?!ā And Iām like,Ā āYou either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.ā And that was like, theĀ stupidest thing I could have ever said, becauseā (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesusās face, like, slammed right in the middle as a designā itās bigā she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beatingĀ these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling downā¦ and Iām like, oh my god! Whatā what is happening?
So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and Iām like,Ā āMaāam, maāam, you need to leave, you need to stop, or Iām going to have to call someone.ā So she like, stops, and sheās like, beet red, and like, huffinā and puffinā, and she like, looks at me and I can tell sheās just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and sheās like,Ā āThe Santa I knowĀ is white.ā And then she walks away. And Iām like, wellā Iām processing whatās happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santaās not real. So unless youāre using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, Iām like, thatās pretty impressive, but how ya doinā that. And, um, Iā the last thought that ran through my mind is that, Iām like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.ā
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