Anxiety and bullshit in blog form

 I get hyperfixated easily so don't expect much eloquence or stability from me 

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Is anyone else having problems with Origin opening? I tried re-downloading it and signing out but neither worked. Am I missing something? Did they move it off mac too or is it just mine that refuses to work??

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A part of my dream that I can share from last night was being in what I imagine was an elementary 3rd-grade classroom. Well I say third grade but something about dream me knew these kids were smarter than average third graders and that's why they had "quiz day". The students were sorted into separate chair groups (of five) but that day in class was known as "quiz day" where the chosen kid from each group pressed a button on their desk and descended into the floor while all the other chairs rearranged to form a diamond around them as the chosen child started to come up from the floor for each group. They were the only kid who could answer the questions given. Think trivia night meets an academic decathalon. The kid my dream picked as the mc was silently freaking out bc of something I had previously dreamed of but he was unable to remove himself from the chosen chair until quiz day was over.

I don't think most of the quiz was taken as the scene change, or I woke up I can't remember, but the thought of third graders having a sudden death-type quiz day made me laugh when I woke up

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Moving out of the house for the first time is a weird part of a person's life. For some, it can't come soon enough and they leave at 18 or even before. Some are happy to continue with their parents for as long as possible. But for me and others, it's a creeping emotion that starts out as a thought or a want and then grows like a fungus in the back of your head.

When I first moved in with my father and stepmom for college I was grateful and couldn't understand why others would pay so much to leave or walk away at 18 without dangerous or mentally taxing circumstances. Then overtime being above 18/19/20 in the same house with the same rules and emotions starts to grate on your nerves.

" Daughter we worry" "Daughter you never leave or speak enough" "Daughter you're never home we never see you" "Daughter we worry " at first I felt bad. I was the problem I was the one who needed to try harder to fit into the mold my parents built for me when I was young. That mold that I was a kid I needed to be looked after that I NEEDED to be under the thumb and speak and leave and live all under the same rules of a 15-year-old that was never really there to begin with.

"Daughter you need more friends" "Daughter don't be like your brother" "Daughter you act too much like your sister(s)" "Daughter you're acting so selfishly lately" Eventually the mold breaks and the fungus takes hold. I want to move out I don't need to be here anymore. But if you're like me and one of your sisters has already left and never looked back it seems even harder to work up the courage to tell them "I am ready to go now". Even when they speak of you leaving so often "Daughter when you move take this" "Daughter when you leave you should have these" "Daughter all the things in your room are yours take them please".

But in their minds I have only just arrived for college why on earth would I need to move out any time soon? In their minds, I am the golden child who still listens and does not need to leave weekly or live states away for their job. I can stay and run errands, clean house, and listen to their fears and worries about my siblings with ease and understanding.

I want to leave. I can live on my own. Come hell or high water I will make ends meet and if I tumble down a hill and can't afford to down the line I am not afraid to tell my parents I have messed up and need a place to stay. The problem is and will always be taking the jump to speak my mind to start the next adventure.

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Does Tumblr use the "_____ is now following you" as a type of push notification? It's mildly scary how many fake follower emails I receive in a day... I didn't start Tumblr for followers I just wanted to log my dreams and relive my Sharkboy and Lavagirl childhood

"He RuInEd mY dReAM joUrNal"

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I had a dream a couple of days ago that I could use my hand (specifically the bones from my palm to my second knuckles) as a phone to text people. What did I use this interesting phone for you may ask? I used it to text an influencer that I could not come to his bird's wedding because I had to help clean out a high school that wasn't even mine... I also solved a mystery in the empty/dark high school but can't remember what type of crime.

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The whole "fear of a dead-end job" thing on the sims can be deleted entirely from the game and I would not care. It doesn't matter what sim with what traits and whatever job they ALWAYS get that stupid fear after like four days of work even if they just got promoted! I hate it so much. Honestly, all of the fears can because there is a ninety percent chance my sim gets a fear, and then it can never be cured. One right now for example has a "fear of the dark" and can't even go outside during the day without getting scared. Can't debug or cure it at all.

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It should be illegal to have a regular exam the week before a final exam

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I crave those moments in movies where the battle that has been building the whole time is finally happening and the main character just saw something traumatic and is holding their friend/partner/ally in their arms as they die and then the MC looks up and just SEES. They have their helmet off and their eyes up slowly looking around at animals and horses running and foes and friends alike falling into fire and ash or merely lying there already gone. The passion and thirty-second fear filled teary eyes full of terror and hatred. When All Seems Lost tm and they cannot see a way into happiness and all the audience hears is the best score on the soundtrack and slow breathing. Moments like when Éowyn loses her father and when Neytiri falls. Those moments in a hero's journey make you finally feel that maybe the happy ending is not coming before the backup arrives. Those moments in cinema that give goosebumps and make the watcher think of all the things they could do to change the scene. Those moments make FF writers turn on their PC and write another chapter because they need to get to it. I crave those. Not a sappy romance or another Hallmark ABC movie. I crave passion and poetry that bring tears every time they play

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Here's another dream I had two nights ago:

It starts with me being in a maze-like house with my family and a crowd of strangers in said house. Then suddenly a t-rex ran straight through the wall and instead of freaking out and running like ordinary people would we treated it as a rather deadly game of tag... with a dinosaur. So then it was me and my mother running around trying to survive never being able to leave the house or the surrounding yard until there was a winner. How I knew this idk but it became apparent that my dream followed videogame logic in that any time the t-rex ate me I would be ripped back to whatever position my dream had as a "save point". I woke up quickly after I started running to the fence to jump it with only a handful of people left in the yard and what was left of the house.

Interestingly enough I was never afraid of the dino and neither was anyone else we just ran because we wanted to win the game

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I think I've decided to keep a written log of my dreams as a sort of reminder if I ever forget some of the weird fuckery that I go through when asleep. For some background, my dreams are always in three parts and seldom make any sense.

The last one I had started with me stepping off a bus with a stranger and my best friend. I was confused and stopped almost immediately after getting off the bus and my friend, who I'll call Sunshine, told me we were gonna be late for the first day QnA at our new job. I then asked sunshine what that job was and they said we were camp counselors but no kids were here for at least another week so we had time to set things up and become accustomed to our job. The dream then shifts to us next to the BIGGEST mud pit I have ever seen in my life and all the other counselors in line to either fight or slide down it. It seemed I was the only one with any questions about this but being the sheep that I am I decided to just get in line behind sunshine anyways. Once at the front, we discovered we had to pay to even get into the mud pit... as people who worked there? Again I walked away and my friend did as well as neither of us had the funds to pay for the mud pit party so we went back to our sleeping quarters and the scene shifted. Now I am in my chem class and I was asking the boy beside me if what work I had done was correct. He pushed my computer away and said he didn't appreciate cheating. I was confused and simply told him I thought he was the TA for this class and he was supposed to check my work anyways. He again said he did not condone cheating and turned me away. The person sitting to my left said I should really do my work and not allow others to do it for me. My response was oh so eloquently said and instead of backing myself with facts to apologize I said "I don't give a fuck". Apparently, everyone else heard and gasped at which made the professor angry and her response was to have everybody stand up and point out someone in the class that they had been friends with or had known for ages. I happened to have moved away from my friends to attend school so I knew no one, which my teacher knew and this public display was a way to punish me by saying I was alone. Dream me then got so sad I woke up with tears in my eyes and a rather confused mindset.

And that was all I can remember from my latest dream, though I am sure I left out some parts.

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Got off of Twitter to finally make a Tumblr to have the privilege of posting whatever random bullshit I wanted without fear only to figure out I have nothing to say and still feel scared to post anything... but hey Tumblrs got boobs again