Ehlial

[ehlial]

We begin, and end with family.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. -Kahlil Gibran

"You didn't kill him."

Crux had enough patience to wait until Ehlial had said his good-byes to his Jedi Master and the two of them were alone at last.  His anger had simmered the entire time, though the longer he waited the more his temper cooled.  Enough so that his voice remained calm when he spoke, his demeanor unflappable.  

The youth- now a man as far as the Sith were concerned- sank into a seat, keeping his arm tucked in against his chest, fastened there by a sling.  The wound ran deep, but had not damaged enough to require amputation, though it would leave a long, puckered scar embedded in his flesh.  And here all along he had thought the Jedi rather soft on their kind.  A trial that required the loss of a limb, or a grievous injury?  Not at all what he expected.  

"You knew I wouldn't," he replied softly.  

Crux couldn't even find it in himself to snort with derision.  Ehlial was right, of course, he knew damn well the boy wouldn't strike down an unarmed, defeated foe.  Nothing about him had gone as he had predicted, as his visions had foretold.  Still, Lord Sedimere was dead anyway, even if by his own hand.   Embarrassed a padawan managed to defeat him in the end, no doubt.  

"It was a fitting end for him, all the same."

Silence stretched between them.  Ehlial shifted in his seat.  "What will you do now, Lord Crux?  Still wish for me to drop you off on Nar Shaddaa?"

The Sith shook his head, sighing in resignation.  "No, Ehlial.  There is no place for me now in the Empire.  Betraying my master in this manner will not earn me his title, or glory in the eyes of my kind.  If you will have me, I will remain here, with you.  You've fulfilled the destiny I foresaw, even if not quite to the letter of my visions.  But, I sense there will be many new trials in your future.  You will still need me."

Ehlial, who was always a little odd socially as far as Crux was concerned, rose from his seat then and suddenly the Sith found himself being embraced, whether he liked it or not.  He stood there a moment, blinking in surprise.  Then one arm wrapped around the boy, followed by the other.  He held him close, imagining that for one small moment, the red hair he could see from the corner of his eyes was the son he had lost to Korriban.

"I am proud of you, Ehlial.  As proud as any father would be."

[ehlial]

Legacies.

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.  - Eckhart Tolle

"You've been gone all day," Crux said, sounding almost accusatory.  Ehlial used to feel a touch of anxiety at the tone of voice.  Now he said nothing as he climbed the stairs to ship's main walkway.

"My apologies, Lord Crux.  I had to meet with Master Al'dien again, and this time Master Azi'xoss was also present."

The pureblood's nostrils flared, not entirely satisfied with the answer.  Their dynamic was changing, Ehlial noted, though he wasn't entirely sure why, or how to repair the growing rift between them.   Crux had watched over him for nearly a year now, seeing him change, seeing him grow into the Jedi he knew he had to become.

Crux turned away abruptly, dark cape swirling around him, "I think it is time I left you, Jedi.  If you would take me to Nar Shaddaa, from there I  will find a few old contacts to safely return me to Imperial space."

Ehlial stopped, turning to face the pureblood.  "Why now?"

"Because there is nothing left for me to teach you.  You are ready to become Jedi."

Silence stretched between them.  Ehlial knew he shouldn't ask, that his master would be most pleased to hear of the Sith's departure.  Yet, suddenly he couldn't imagine being without the huge dark shadow at his side.  Gripping the walkway railing, he moved as close as he dared.  "You can't watch me become a Jedi, is that what's bothering you?"

"Oh damn you," Crux roared as he whirled around.  His anger enveloped him and the Force formed a hazy aura around his body.  "Why can't you just accept that I have made a decision.  Why do you continue to attempt to reason with me, to want me to stick around.  Your master would probably celebrate me being gone.  Why can't you accept that I hate you!"

"But you don't," Ehlial said simply.  "You saw me as a weapon before.  Now you see me as a person."

Crux made a sound akin to frustration and fury and when his hand came down on the railing, he left a dent in the durasteel.  "You are still a weapon, Jedi.  You will always BE a weapon.  And yet this has never flustered you once, never bothered you."

"Because I am more than the lightsabers in my hands.  You can't just point me at the destiny you are certain of and wield me.  I could, at any time, deny you your vision.  Especially if it goes against the Jedi Code."

Silence again.   Crux finally released his grip on the railing and stepped back with a heavy sigh.  "Once upon a time I thought you were a naive, stupid boy.  Since then you've grown three inches and somehow managed to strengthen your spine.  No, Jedi, you will not deny me my vision."

Once the anger had drained from Crux, it usually meant an end to the conversation.  Ehlial expected him to walk away, and they would discuss him leaving or not leaving later.   Instead, the pureblood glanced over his shoulder at him, and the pain in his eyes was evident and his voice dripped with bitterness.

"My son failed his trials on Korriban.  He died inside the tombs and will be forgotten."

"I'm sorry," Ehlial said in earnest.

Crux snorted derisively.  "You are my last hope for any legacy to pass on through the ages.  And I have no choice but to watch you become a Jedi."   

He turned away before Ehlial could answer, and vanished into the engine room before Ehlial could reach for him.  

[ehlial]

I have turned 18 as of two standard weeks ago.  I remember back home on Alpheridies this usually meant a celebration.  My family enjoyed any excuse to celebrate something and there were many children and that meant there was always a birthday or five to prepare for.

I am a long way from home now.  I did not contact my mother, it is discouraged for Jedi to have attachments.  That was my first struggle when I became an initiate.  She will always be my mother, but I must not let that familial bond distract me from my training.

But there came a package delivered not long ago to the Fleet, waiting for me there to eventually pick up.  Inside was a new veil, the stitching done by hand.  I can still hear the sound of her pulling thread through fabric as I feel it between my fingers.  She left no note.

She didn't need to.

[ehlial]

I must remember I am learning to master the form, not to let it master me.

[ehlial]

Colors.

I do not always understand how people with light based sight view colors.  As embarrassing as it is to admit this. I have accidentally confused some of my crystals.  I apparently had a 'red' one in one of my lightsabers for awhile.  At least until Ixo'diz asked me why.

I took my crystals to Master Azi'xoss once, and he was able to sort them for me.  This way I could keep them in separate bins at my worktable.  But I have come across a new color that I am uncertain off.  At first, I thought it was red, but it doesn't quite have the same glow as red does.

I'll have to ask what color this one is, if my master is free from Ilum for a bit.

[eorzean-capitalist]

I’m in a state of shock right now.  It’s been an incredibly craptastic week.  Busy, people being unkind on the phone, coworkers acting like teenagers, people thinking they have some kind of right to my free time.  I was nearly in tears last night, and in a state of blah most of today.

And then Windserpent sends me a message that they had commissioned Macbutt for a sketch of Ehlial.   

Thank you for renewing my faith in humanity for the evening.  I dedicate this Ops run to you both.

(PS: You should totally check out Macbutt’s art if you’re seeking to commission someone.)

[ehlial]

Reblogging this over here, where it belongs.

[ehlial]

"Pardon me, padawan, do you have a moment?"

Ehlial didn't need to look up, he'd seen the entourage entering the shuttle and after a moment of discussion, make a beeline for him.  But he did, simply because it was habit by now.  "I am.  Can I help you, Master Jedi?"

The Jedi in question drew back his hood.  He was an older human, perhaps around forty or so, with a long, jagged scar down his right cheek and a steely look in his eyes that penetrated the youth sitting before him.  "Padawn Ehlial Sahnin, correct?"

At this point, Ehlial put his datapad down and rose from his seat, bowing shallowly within the shuttle's confines.  "That is me."

The Jedi sank into the seat across from him, though the two armored troopers who had flanked him remained on their feet.  He gestured for Ehlial to sit back down again.  He did so, but slowly.  Already something about this felt wrong, his instincts kicking into overdrive.  

The Jedi looked up at the troopers, "He's a padawan, not a convict.  I'm relatively certain there will be no violence."

One of them shrugged, "Ok, we get the hint." And both of them marched away.  Ehlial could see them lingering at the back of the shuttle, near the open hatch.  No one unsavory would be getting past them.  And perhaps, no one who might aid the padawan.

"Ehlial, I had a disturbing report run across my desk today."  The Jedi tried to get a lock on Ehlial's face, but he had no eyes to stare into and hold.  This apparently frustrated him, he shook his head.  "I'm getting ahead of myself.  I am Jedi Master Areliun.  I work with SIS agents stationed here on Nar Shaddaa.  One of them related that they saw you in the company of a known, wanted criminal."

"You saw me in the company of my master, and a man who asked to speak to me." 

"Interesting," Areliun said, "And what, exactly, did he have to say to you?"

"He wanted to know how I was doing," Ehlial replied.  He kept his hands folded in front of him.  Somewhere in the back of his mind, he recited the Jedi code for focus.  "I met him on the Huttnet, I used to talk to him there. I am forbidden to, now."

Areliun lifted a brow, "So, you are telling me a man wanted for the deaths of several Jedi, amongst other crimes against the Republic, contacted you just to ask how you were doing?"

Ehlial nodded.  It occurred to him that he had no idea what Areliun was talking about.  Onekel was a bounty hunter, however, or had been before training to become Sith with his latent Force sensitivity.  It was naive of him not to realize what that entailed.  

The Jedi peered at him for a long moment, and Ehlial knew he would sense his doubt, but also his honesty.  Eventually he nodded, satisfied.  "Very well, I believe you.  However, you'll have to understand that for the time being we must detain you until SIS has had a chance to question you."

"I would request that my master be alerted to this," Ehlial said.

"Of course," Areliun replied dismissively.  

Getting up, he left to speak to the two troopers.  Ehlial couldn't hear them, but he could see them looking back at him.  The hatched door was closed and locked, and a moment later the shuttle's engines roared to life.  

Ehlial couldn't pinpoint how he knew, but he felt certain they were about to transport him anywhere but legal Republic space.

**********************

Areliun knew the boy would probably be able to see exactly where he was.  Miraluka were able to do that through the Force.  But he doubted the youth could hear him click his comm on and murmur, "The bait has been secured.  Set up the meet.  My master's murderer will be brought to justice."

[ehlial]

It takes a village... or a galaxy.

"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer  

Ehial had that look again as they exited the Voss Shrine of Healing.  Lord Crux had grown accustomed to it, stilled his tongue usually to avoid advising the boy inadvertently.  His bargain with Ehlial's Jedi Master required such restraint if he were to be allowed to remain nearby.   

But sometimes, rather than running off to meditate, Ehlial would turn to his pureblooded companion and ask him something temptation compelled him to answer.  

"Lord Crux, what do you make of the Voss visions? Are they really coming true, or is there another reason for it?"

Crux tossed out a dozen answers right away, as most of them weren't very complementary.  The Voss always rubbed him the wrong way with their blunt demeanor and secretive manners.  He found himself agreeing with the smuggler, wishing their time were finally done so that they might move on.  

Finally, he settled on something neutral sounding, "Perhaps it is because they believe in them so much that they do everything to make sure the vision becomes truth."

Ehlial's expression turned thoughtful, a gloved finger resting on his upper lip.  He had no eyes to focus, or unfocus, but Crux knew simply by the stretching silence his mind was elsewhere.  Finally he nodded, "A fair assessment I think, thank you."

Crux shrugged his shoulders, "Perhaps you should ask your master about it another time."

"My master is on Ilum I believe.  But I should.  Still, you shouldn't discount your own advice, Crux.  I know you and Master Azi'xoss frown at each other, but your assessments have been sound."

The pureblood chuckled.  "I doubt your master would be pleased to hear you say that, either."

Ehlial straightened a bit, frowning.  For a moment, Crux wondered if the youth were about to do something rebellious, only to have his hopes dashed as the boy said, "Do you think so?"

Crux sighed, realizing Ehlial was only worried about upsetting his master.  He set a hand on the boy's shoulder.  "I'm only teasing, Jedi.  A student has many teachers in his or her lifetime.  I'm sure if you pause to think about it, you will remember many things you've learned from people over the course of your apprenticeship."

"Padawan... ship," Ehlial corrected. "But Master Yalaan does teach me lightsaber techniques.  Even Ixo'diz teaches me a few things... even if they are how to not treat people."

At that, Crux laughed.  "If that's a lesson, then hopefully you've been paying attention."

Ehlial blushed slightly, but he was grinning.  "Guess that's something I'll meditate on tonight."

Hands settled on the boy's shoulders and Crux turned him toward Voss-Ka's market.  "Tea first, and something to eat.  You haven't had anything since this morning and I distinctly heard your stomach growling five minutes ago."

The best part of Ehlial, he admitted, was how the boy simply listened with little argument and let the pureblood direct him as he willed.

[eorzean-capitalist]

Oh Calleo, Ehlial apparently has a lookalike out there.

[ehlial]

Reblogged over here because it also belongs here.

[ehlial]

Questions.

Ehlial frowned at the datapad, finally putting it down and crossing his arms over his chest as he pondered the conversation.  Crux found him there several minutes later, still confused.  

"Really, Jedi, you should just stay away from the Huttnet. Every time you speak to someone there you have that look on your face afterwards."

Ehlial had already tried a number of times to remind the Sith that he was not, in fact, a Jedi yet.  But, the habit stuck and he'd given up on getting him to call him anything else.  Crux's vision insisted that the padawan in his vision were actually a Jedi, and he would not let go of the idea no matter what.

He had a cup of something that smelled sweet, a local Voss tea. This he held out to Ehlial, who took it gratefully.  "Ixo'diz thinks you are up to something."

Crux shrugged his massive shoulders.  "I am not surprised, given his tendency to concoct his own schemes, and cover his own ass."

Crux gestured for Ehlial to drink his tea, which he did so then.  Something spicy, yet sweet.  Not calming like Jeru tea, but energizing.  This only encouraged his insatiable curiosity.  "But, I don't understand why.  You've been true to your word.  And, you always seem to agree with his choices, laugh at his jokes."  

"Jedi, Ixo'diz is a scoundrel and a smuggler.  He says what he needs to to get what he needs.  Sometimes it aligns with the decisions I would make.  And there is nothing wrong with laughing at his jokes.  Sometimes, he actually is funny."

Ehlial found himself leaning toward the Crux, leaning his back against the Sith's arm.  "He thinks you're just waiting for a chance to send me to Korriban."

At that, Crux laughed, a deep and resonating rumble.  "If that were the case, my dear boy, I would have you on Korriban now as my official apprentice."

This had Ehlial suddenly coughing, nearly pulling the tea into his lungs as he tried to drink and gasp at the same time.  The Sith chuckled, patting the padawan's back until at last he seemed able to breathe again.  "But-- you wouldn't, because of your vision, right?"

"No.  In my vision, you are a Jedi.  To try turning you would alter the vision.  We've had this discussion before, Ehlial.  I have no intention of converting you, even if I think it terrible to see such potential in you go to waste."

Ehlial took another drink of tea, trying to clear his throat.  His chest felt tight, the urge to cough strong.  "Master Azixoss wouldn't want you to say that kind of thing."

But Crux did not reply this time, the satisfied, subtle little smile on his face saying more than words ever could.

[ehlial]

Voss.

Today, Ixo'diz and I finally both had clearance to land on Voss.  I wasn't entirely sure what to expect.  But that Sith Lord, the one that mind controlled me for a time, is up to something rather large and apparently he has an apprentice on Voss doing his bidding.  Master tells me not to seek revenge, and I really hope that's not why I'm following this path.  I would like to think that instead I am thwarting a dangerous person's plans.  

I should meditate on this, however.  Lying to myself is as bad a sin as lying to my master.

I met a Voss woman who's been aiding me in my mission, and I admit I am intrigued by her, and her culture.  It's only because we have the same goal that she was willing to open up and allow me to aid her.  Apparently the Sith has taken someone she had charge of, a Mystic in training.  We're only starting to puzzle out why as we chase down clue after clue.  But if what we've managed to piece together so far is any indication of where this is going, then we have to stop him.  

All plans are on hold for the time being.  I feel rather terrible for Ixo'diz right now. At first, it was amusing to watch him squirm at the idea of having a chaperone.  Apparently the Voss expect him to cause trouble.  No such thing for me, but they may view Jedi differently.  (That's another subject to discuss with my master at a later time.)

But, poor Ixo has been subjected to so much in such a short period of time.  And Crux has been rather determined to shield me from getting hurt right alongside him.  I swear the Sith would toss me over his shoulder and carry me off if he could.  But, I digress.  I'm not really sure what Ixo'diz is up to, entirely.  But he's been nearly blown to bits, beaten several times, frozen in carbonite, and just... I feel really badly for him.  It's clear he's not a fan of Voss.  I saw him head up to the orbital station.  I'm remaining here for now, but I have no idea when we'll continue our work here.  

Hopefully not too long.  That apprentice is up to something in the Nightmare lands, and he surely won't wait for me to find him.

[ehlial]

Mortification.

I probably should not be trying to type at the moment. My leg is throbbing painfully and my head is still buzzing with everything that happened tonight. If I were wise, I would wait until I've had a chance to sleep and meditate on things. But part of me really wants to get this out now, rather than wait till later. While my memory is still fresh and I haven't lost or glossed over details. I was practicing various uses of the Force this afternoon, suffice to say the next time I pick the roof of an old ruin to do this on, I will check that the roof is sound first. It's my own fault. I was actually doing rather well in maintaining my concentration, right up until I sensed Jedi Elkoreth's presence. I haven't actually met him in person before, and I was eager to find him to talk to him. But, my concentration broke and that was all it took for the roof to give way and send me crashing down two stories to the ground. I am fortunate to only be bruised for the most part, and I hurt my leg. The worst of it has been tended to, and the pain serves as a sharp reminder why one should never allow emotion to break their concentration. It was good to meet Elkoreth in person. He's already quite adept at the Jedi ways, and seems so placid. I hope someday to be that unflappable about things. That was the pleasant part of my day, other than falling through the roof. It was later that I ran into Jude and things quickly went downhill. I was already tired at this point, and probably should have told him that and kept going, but I don't know. There's some small part of me that really wants to help him. Plus, he's my age. He asked me if I'd been drinking, or using spice or anything. Of course not, I don't do that sort of thing. Then he shows me these things called 'cigarras'. I've never heard of them before. But he wants me to try them, and when I decline he insists. I'm not used to peer pressure. And I followed as he lead the way trying to figure out in my head how to get him to stop.  Part of me felt kind of strangely flattered he was paying attention to me, and not calling me names. Much. The other part of me was quietly tapping me on the shoulder and giving me the kind of dubious look Master Azixoss would probably have.  Speaking of Master Azixoss, he did stop us as we exited the temple. I've never been so relieved as I was right then. Because I still hadn't figured out how to work up the nerve to tell Jude no. And just how insistant and convincing he can be when he wants something. But that's when things really took a turn. Jude got mad at my master, insisting it was his fault I was such a square and even accusing him of throwing me off the roof himself. Didn't seem to matter how many times I told him that was no one's fault but mine, it was like throwing a broken lightsaber at a plastisteel wall. But he didn't stop there. He was so determined to show me how Jedi are hypocritical ... how did he put it, meanieheads? Something like that. I digress. He turned his comm on, tuned it to the public frequency for the entire Republic and called out one of the Master Jedi on that channel. Words cannot begin to describe my mortification. I apologized to the Master a few times but I'm still quite embarassed by the whole thing.  Now that this is out, I'm exhausted. I'm going to sleep.

[ehlial]

Gray Jedi

I neglected to speak of this subject in my last journal entry because I hadn't looked into it yet and felt it prudent to record my thoughts after studying it. While I was on Tython with my master and Jude, there was another Jedi there who self proclaimed to follow the Gray Jedi way. I had not heard this before, unlike the Green Jedi that fascinated me while I was an intiate, so I went asking questions and finally found someone willing to discuss it with me as long as I agreed to meditate on what I'd learned afterwards and let my master know we had the conversation.  Gray Jedi, as far as I can tell, are neither light nor dark. They are outside the Jedi Order and beholden to themselves and no one else. Rumor tells they were displeased with the Jedi Code being reinterpreted and changed to the way it is now, and preferred not to forbid attachments or to train more than one padawan at a time. (I did ask why they might think that way, but the Master I spoke to about it gave me a look and I knew not to ask again.)  That didn't quite fit everything I heard, but it sufficed. The Jedi spoke of our Order forbidding emotions, and he felt this was a detriment to us as a whole. I'm not quite so sure what he was talking about, Master Azixoss rightfully corrected him on the subject. While the Code does say 'There is no emotion, only peace', I know it isn't meant to be taken literally. To deny our emotions is folly, but we can learn to control how they effect our judgement. Learn to recognize how we react to things in order to keep calm.  It's funny because when my Master told me to think of Ixo'diz the first thing that came to mind was a group full of womanizing Jedi. It amuses me now, but at that moment I was completely confused. What he meant was how I perceive one's alignment with the Force. Gray Jedi would appear flat, neither dark nor light but a combination of both. From what I heard, they also tend to embrace their emotions more than Jedi do.  He was very polite, though I think my master wasn't very pleased with him talking about it in public in front of the Jedi Temple. He preferred the man go to another planet, such as Nar Shaddaa, where there are Jedi who are teetering on the brink and might be more fitting into the Gray Jedi lifestyle. I don't know, this is something I will need to think on more. It is not a path I would enjoy, but I am still undecided if this is something that has merit.

[ehlial]

Life, and lessons.

Jude. Really, the name makes me frown. This is disconcerting because I recognize the feelings that are welling up inside of me and they are not the proper things to think for an up and coming Jedi.   He reminds me of a particularly difficult rabbit we'd find in gardens and fields on Alpheridies.  Swift, hard to catch, and erratic. Not to mention crafty, easily getting out of snares, and prolific at reproduction.  Many farmers ultimately had to poison them to get rid of them.  When I was young, it seemed tragic to do this.  They were cute creatures, but also insidiously intelligent.   This is what Jude reminds me of.  Flighty, irrational, but smart.   Master Azixoss spends a great deal of time with him, far more than he does with me.  This is because I am much less... in need of a leash.  And because my master is both patient and wants what is best for any initiate or padawan.  And also I think guilt lingers with him for not intervening when Jude was at his most vulnerable and several masters had already abandoned him.   It is odd to think of my master that way.  In many ways he is larger than life to me, and his wisdom is vast.  Yet even he succumbs to emotions, without realizing it.  Or maybe he does, yet doesn't.  That doesn't even make any sense. I am not a typical teenager according to Jude.  Apparently I should be ingesting spice, getting drunk and cavorting with smugglers in lewd ways.  And I am square for preferring peace and quiet and lightsaber crystals to rebelling without a cause.   I had hoped to talk to my master about the things I had discovered on Belsavis in a bit more depth.  But, with Jude around more often I find my brief time with Master Azixoss frequently interrupted.  Crux seems happy to engage me in conversation about this but there's no way a Sith can possibly understand Jedi philosophy.  We talk and then suddenly fall into awkward silence because he's not allowed to say anything that would convert me or sound like he's trying to convert me. And Ixo'diz? No, definitely not. So, I am hoping a proper master can be located who can tolerate Jude, and possibly teach him some restraint.  Or, if my own master seems to be the only one who can possibly get through to him, request someone else to teach me to free up Master Azixoss to take him as a padawan.  It pains me to think that way, but I'm not as in need as Jude is.  And jealousy is not a trait any padawan should ever display.   I should, instead, meditate on why I feel this way, and find a way to show compassion to someone who has had a much harder life than I have.

[ehlial]

Mail call!

[To: Jedi Master Azixoss] [From: Padawan Ehlial Sahnin] [Subject: Reminded me of you.] Belsavis is an interesting planet, but there really is so much going on here it's hard to absorb all at once. The guards here keep wondering why I'm here, even after I've explained to them several times that I'm a Jedi Padawan and this is part of my training. And that Ixo and Crux are with me so I will be fine.  There's a very nice lady who feeds the guards and personnel and she likes to make these for me. Somehow, I felt that perhaps you might want some of them, too. They say that Master and Padawan often can sense each other's feelings and moods, and lately I have felt a sensation of exhaustion from you. I've never been very adept at foresight or the telepathic communications as you are, so if I'm incorrect in this than perhaps it's just in my head. I sent a long some of the tea they serve here, too. It's actually really good, no sweetener even needed. Don't ask me what's in it, I have no idea but everyone here drinks it regularly. It's most excellent in the early morning when it's still fairly chilly out.  -Ehlial Included with the letter is a package of frosted cookies, and jeru tea, loose leaf in a metal container.

[ehlial]

Peace.

This will be a short update, because I am weary and I do want to take the time to meditate before sleep.  My master revealed to me what happened when I was a prisoner of the Sith Lord. I don't remember any of it, but he was a witness to the horrible things I did. I tortured people, even executed them. And was clearly falling to the dark side. This likely explains why I have had this odd pull toward violence lately. And why I say things I would never have uttered before. It's a bit disconcerting to know this, now. Master did apologize to me for not telling me right away. But I think he is right in waiting. I am stronger now, much more able to digest this and come to terms with it. Right after waking, I was broken and needed time to heal. I haven't fully thought about all of it yet. I will meditate on it soon, and seek forgiveness in that. It was not my fault, or my doing, but would that we could erase our crimes merely by not looking at them. It was my hands that tortured and killed, and I only hope the those souls are now one with the Force and at peace.

[ehlial]

Darkness.

I don't want to worry my master, so I haven't mentioned this to him yet. I will when next we meet alone, because I am still not one to keep secrets from him. But, while Ixo and I are on Belsavis it seems prudent to keep this to myself and puzzle it out. But, I digress. Since my time on Darth Iniquitous' ship, there are moments I feel this odd urge to give in to my darker emotions. When anger wells up I have to remind myself to breathe in and calm myself. This takes a lot more concentration if I haven't slept well. I've said a few things that I barely registered coming out of my mouth. Things that I would never have said before.  Despite the nightmares finally stopping, I have found myself waking up at odd hours for no apparent reason. I refuse to resort to medication to alter that, not when I think this is just some residue of my ordeal. If I was not touched by darkness before, I am now. I just have to learn how to compensate for it, and eventually reassert my strength in the light.  I think after Ixo and I are done on Belsavis, I will return to Tython again for a few days. I know Lord Crux won't be particularly happy about that, but he'll come with me only because he's barely left my side since offering to protect me. I'm still not sure what to make of him. He's very quiet, and refuses any kind of philosophical discussions. That's my master's doing, and I understand why. While I'm terribly curious about Sith and their culture, it's unkind of me to tempt him to reply in a way that would go against their agreement.  I think Ixo blames him for my utterances lately. I can't say he discourages me talking that way, but he isn't encouraging it either. Not to mention both of them gang up on me together when it comes to actions I see as being dark sided. Such as Ixo's penchant for shooting unarmed, defeated opponents. That will never cease to bother me, even if he's not bound by the Jedi Code. Yet Lord Crux agrees with him, and I can only be silent to show my dissent. There is someting in all of this that I am missing. That if I could simply meditate on it long enough, I'd see how the pieces fit together finally and understand. But there are a lot of distractions here. Such the experiments being done on prisoners here by Republic officials. Not to mention those inmates now free and running around to terrorize the guards and military. This is not pleasing, no, but I remind myself that I don't know how deep this runs. Do people on Coruscant know that this is being done here?  Ah, I'm so tired. I will meditate about this in the morning.