desire of fish

rimi | they/them | 23 // { ao3: adreamingsongbird } // banana fish sideblog

[eijispumpkin]

hello again! i keep getting asks about this even though it's been a few months, so....

yes, i have privated all my bfish works on ao3. no, i am not planning on sharing them publicly again anytime soon. if you saved copies that's great, good for you i suppose, but i would frankly prefer if you didn't spread them around.

i am taking an indefinite break from bfish fandom. i don't want to look at it and i don't want it looking at me. i still love the story and the characters, but the fandom kind of sucks imo and at this point i don't want anything to do with it anymore.

i won't be answering any more asks about this; i appreciate the support from those of you who've offered it, and thank you to those of you who commented on my fics while they were still public! but yeah that's it for adreamingsongbird fics, i am Done.

[eijispumpkin]

Hi! I don't know if you've already seen this, put please excuse my caveman style english and lack of understanding of the workings and etiquette of tumblr and enjoy asheiji for the soul:

i have seen this!! its one of, if not my #1 favorite asheiji animations ever <3

[nadiawong]

Heteronormative Happiness in Garden of Light & Others

Now that the anime is over I’ve been thinking about Garden of Light, what I love and hate about it… At the end of the day no matter which points I like the heteronormativity of it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The “happy ending” Sing and Akira achieve through marriage and procreation are in contrast to Eiji’s neverending grief.

Warning for discussion of child sex abuse and manga side story spoilers under the cut.

Keep reading

[eijispumpkin]

On Allegory, Imperfection, and Inadvertent Subversion: A small essay about Akimi Yoshida’s Banana Fish and Salinger’s “A Perfect Day For Bananafish”.

In the story of Banana Fish, Yoshida references Salinger’s short story “A Perfect Day For Bananafish” (which henceforth shall be addressed as “Perfect Day” simply for ease of reading) several different ways, both in-universe and out. It is exceedingly evident that the character of Ash Lynx is heavily based on Seymour Glass, and one might surmise that Banana Fish is an allegorical retelling of “Perfect Day”, especially given that in the original story, Ash Lynx dies of what is arguably a “passive suicide” – that is, when faced with an injury that isn’t immediately fatal, he chooses to bleed out rather than seek help, which when framed as a suicide, parallels the much more violent and sudden suicide of Seymour Glass.

However, this surface-level allegorical reading ignores a very important variable in the story of Banana Fish, namely the counterpart to Ash’s Seymour: Eiji’s Sybil. While Ash and Seymour share many similarities (both are traumatized, troubled geniuses with partly-Irish roots who grew up in New York City), the similarities between Eiji and Sybil are very few. Eiji does symbolize a world of innocence to contrast with Ash’s world of horrors, but unlike Sybil, Eiji is an adult with agency of his own, and though he retains some of Sybil’s childlike innocence and is able to connect deeply with Ash as a result of it, Eiji’s agency and decisions ultimately change the narrative and its meaning.

That is to say, by introducing Eiji as an imperfect Sybil, one who has agency and can actually provide Ash with understanding and support of the kind that Seymour never got from Muriel or others around him (and which Sybil, being three years old, was in no way equipped to provide), Banana Fish directly subverts “Perfect Day”’s original message of cynicism in the face of a material world unconcerned with the horror of lost innocence and its resulting isolation.

Keep reading

[eijispumpkin]

i understand the argument that bfish doesn’t end in a buried gay, but i kind of disagree. on one level, sure! ash doesn’t die because he’s queer; he dies because he’s a trauma survivor. which as an aside, also sucks, because “if you’re traumatized you can only find peace through death <3″ is a pretty shitty message to craft your story around, but moreover…

metatextually he is a buried gay, in my opinion, precisely because he is not the only deeply traumatized character in the story, but he is the only one of them shown to be queer. (aside from eiji, of course, who notably also doesn’t get a happy ending and is shown to spend the next seven years debilitated by grief.) like, sing has trauma and has killed people. sing goes to business school! cain has trauma and has killed people. cain becomes a lawyer! max has trauma and has killed people. max gets a happy ending with his wife and kid and probably a white picket fence while we’re at it! blanca has extensive trauma and has definitely killed a lot of people, and most egregiously of all, blanca swans off to the caribbean again to live out his luxurious retirement, once he’s done fucking ash over for no particular reason.

and it’s not like ash just has “too much” trauma compared to any of them, bc a) blanca is canonically REAL fucked up by his training and recruitment into that soviet program, and b) that’s just not how trauma and ptsd work. yet ash and eiji, the only canon queer men in the story, are the only two who don’t get catharsis from it all.

of course, this is a story written in the 80s that we’re talking about, and given that tragic ends were at the time pretty much the only depictions of queer relationships that censorship allowed, i’m not saying that it is irredeemable or should be judged and scorned based on today’s standards. i am saying, however, that in discussions about today’s standards as they apply in retrospect, bfish does kinda read as buried gays.

[eijispumpkin]

For being so nice 🎀 and cute 😚, copy this to other bloggers that you think are wonderful. 💗 Keep the GAME going and make others feel beautiful ❤️

(Adding onto it a lil, you're a very sweet and wonderful person and I'm terrible with checking in on people but I hope you're having a nice day)

thanks mj 💖

[ashart27]

Wonder what they're dancing to

[eijispumpkin]

i love the bit where max is like "eiji's a nice boy, but that's really all there is to him. he doesn't have much spirit." max he stole a cop car

[eijispumpkin]

every time i try one of those “i judge your taste in anime [men/women/etc]” uquizzes i learn something about myself all over again. the something is “wow, i really don’t watch a lot of anime”!! who the fuck are all these guys

[eijispumpkin]

every time i think about how max spent a fucking decade trying to solve what happened to griff i spiritually have to go lie down. it’s about the devotion...

[eijispumpkin]

Thank you for your wonderful answer on my ask.....Do you mind if I ask (again) for your favorite moments from Banana Fish...?

HELL YEAH!!!! i was actually thinking about this on and off all day SKDFJHSJDK so lets see!!!! this will be a kinda long post because i HAVE to include caps this time around.

1. "do i scare you?" / "never."

(not pictured: me, screaming endlessly)

this scene has had me by the ass since 2018 and is not letting go anytime soon. i am a SUCKER for "character constantly dehumanized gets seen as a whole person for the first time in ages" and ash seeing himself as a weapon and a murderer but eiji seeing him as a protector and as safety.... AUGUGUGHHGH. it GETS ME okay?!?!?!

2. "forever."

[at full volume] i'm always a slut for hurt/comfort!

no but honestly one thing i always want in stories with a lot of action and such are the softer, quieter moments where the characters actually process and FEEL things. and by GOD did this scene deliver.

3. eiji's dick jokes

being stupid together is a love language. need i say more

4. soup scene soup scene soup scene

have i yet mentioned that i am, in fact, always a slut for hurt/comfort?

frankly i am of the firm opinion that pain and suffering in stories are most worthwhile when paired with some sort of catharsis. if there was no focus on the impact, the comfort, the fallout, and the healing, i would call ep19 just grimdark and edgy. soup scene is what makes that entire arc actually make me Feel Things instead of just rolling my eyes at gratuitous tortureporn. ALSO, i love hurt/comfort. in case that i hadn't mentioned that yet.

5. "i envy you. you know how to fly."

okay okay okay okay THIS SCENE THOUGH. THE BIRD METAPHORS. GOD. i have a LOT of thoughts and feelings about the eiji bird metaphors and also the fact that eiji cries for ash here. there is SO MUCH LOVE stored in the eiji. and ash sees himself as being in a cage and eiji as someone who can escape the world he sees himself as trapped in. and that makes me feel many things. GOD. this scene is also iirc the first place that "blue bird" plays and that track also just... gets me.

THANKS FOR THE ASK ILY this was once again very fun to answer!!!

[eijispumpkin]

hi psa to minors reading my work: i can't stop you from reading my 18+ fics, but please if you must read them, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. if your account in any way shape or form says you're a minor, including linking to your tumblr/twitter that says you're a minor, PLEASE do not interact with my 18+ writing in ANY WAY. comments, kudos, public bookmark, ANYTHING. i don't want to know. frankly, the idea of kids reading my adult works makes me really uncomfortable. i know everyone just clicks the button and pretends to be an adult - i did it too - but pleeeease don't put me in this awkward position of assuming you're an adult only to realize you're Not. im really not comfortable with that. thank u 😔

[eijispumpkin]

Hi again, if you don't mind me asking, can I ask your top favorite characters from Banana Fish? And why do you love them? And your top 5 (or top 3) favorite moments from the series? Sorry if you've answered this question before....Thanks....

certainly!!! let's see. hopefully this post won't get TOO long!

Ash Lynx. this surprises no one. i just fucking Love how he's such a genuinely good and kind person despite being exposed to the worst humanity has to offer for more than half of his life. characters who see the darkness in the world and choose light anyway always get me. characters who have every reason to want to lay down and die but keep going anyway just get me. characters with trauma learning to let others in and learning to be loved get me.

Eiji Okumura. a kind lad. heart on his sleeve, fire in his heart, chaotic good. "if i'm gonna die anyway, at least i'll die trying!" I LOVE him. he's just so kind and compassionate and again, always chooses what's right!! also i have feelings about his arc from being a complete innocent into someone who'd storm a party with a gun in hand to save someone he loves. violence is bad, and he's seen how violence hurts ash and how hurting people eats at ash, and he says i love you so much i'll be violent anyway. it's about... sacrifice. and devotion.

Sing Soo-Ling. i want to see my little boy! [here he comes!] honestly sing is just a scrappy little spitfire and i adore him. the contrast of his complete disregard for authority against shorter's deference to the lees is just... chefs kiss. and the fact that he's smart enough to know he's being cut out of the loop and that he refuses to jump to conclusions is just REFRESHING. i love me a smart boy. also, he's adorable and i want to pinch his cheeks.

Max Lobo. honestly............. thinking about max's love for griff haunting him for a fucking decade lays me out flat. and then the way he comes to love ash as a son just... aughghghhg there is so so much love stored in the max. i think about maxgriff so often, about max finding a confidant and a best friend in griff, and about how crushed he was to lose him. the fact that even ten years later when he thought griff was dead he was still chasing banana fish because of the love and the guilt and the grief... god i have so many feelings about max.

Shorter Wong OR Griffin Callenreese. shorter is a really fun character. he would let the world burn to save his sister. he thinks murder is fine, but he is staunchly against emotional manipulation. he respects authority and is genuinely so horrified at the idea that the lees are as evil as dino?? like. my man. i want to study you (NOT LIKE ABE DAWSON THOUGH.) as for griff, everything i love about him is something i made up, but that won't stop me from loving him fiercely ;o;

as for favorite scenes........... ASK ME AGAIN TOMORROW!!!! i have to think about it when i don't have a migraine!!!!

[cryptidmullet]

this fandom needs to smile more see look how happy and alive they both are

[eijispumpkin]

Hi...I just wanted to say, thank you so much for sharing your wonderful works....Especially your "Harbor" series...They were a few of my favorite Banana Fish fics in ao3....Always love to re-read your fics...Thanks again.....Hope you have a wonderful day.....

this is so kind of you, thank you so much! i am always honored to know anyone is rereading my work, i think that's the highest compliment an author can get. thank you again and i hope you're also having a wonderful day!!!!

[eijispumpkin]

sometimes having this blog really frustrates me, ngl. generally i try not to let social media engagement get to me, but quite frankly, when less than 1% of your followers interact with your posts for months on end it really is just... bewildering in the most frustrating and disheartening way. particularly when you can see others who post similar content don’t seem to have this problem (and have discussed it with said others, who have also noticed that your posts hardly get any notes despite you having more than twice the followers they do).

like... idk yall i had to turn off anon asks bc i kept getting racists and hate despite how kind the majority of my anons were. every now and then someone decides to be a rude piece of shit in my ao3 inbox. and that isn’t even touching on all the plagiarism that drove me up the wall last year. i had to lock my twitter bc someone was being such a creep. my fics don’t get nearly as many comments as they used to. and i know part of that is just that the bf fandom is getting smaller as more people move on, but...

perhaps it is just wishful thinking and silly and pathetic of me, but it’d be nice to like... get some support and friendship around here sometimes. that would be nice. trying to find a sense of community is the entire reason i post my fics and meta and whatnot anyway.

but i guess that isn’t likely to happen at this point if it hasn’t already. so... ig this is an informal heads up that im probably gonna abandon this blog soon lmao

[eijispumpkin]

help im trying to summon more crabs but there are so many crabs on the button i keep accidentally capturing them instead