GUTS

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impermanence

again, sizzling down to a flat, fried egg

cold, sitting on a pan for hours

a shriveled tea bag on the counter

wet. nothing in a moment.

i am nailed to a wall, hung , dry, drained

it was destiny to feel this fuss. this song.

so i sway breathless, laced in lessons

blind but swaying. sweet sways.

shortly after the beat fades, fizzles

the ache that echoes lies leave me

i slide the knives and nails from this body

and wrap silently in a miracle

vanilla pudding. puddles. puss.

torched and dreaming in a ring of fire

in a basket of flowers. free and found.

checking in to check out.

a slow. saggy silhouette.

home in the hands of a radical shimmer

a familiar lady, simple and whole

i hold myself till tomorrows dawn

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my lowside bends in circles and gray tones 

roaming towards a bright light burning by the bays of serenity

towards fields of falling, free falling in lavenders and gold

rolling in tight ticks, tense cotton netting

flesh biting territory

pouring rain staining the pink and bare

tearing normal, recreating visions and pearls

petals, precious memories

crickets cradle, simmer sit

i refrain from panic, from twisting pain into my own lul

singing it in a windy play

swallow lake

cream

can the waters of ache and surrender break caves

open me to yellow, race my dancing song

my lowside bends and folds in seasons

my autum kiss will prove its worth

little lectures form function

female fragility speaks when soaking

gentle power leaking warm forgiveness

born folding

forming 

foam green gratitude 

sea still steeping in this chest of glass

of breath, beating to everything that leans

heart lending itself to a present pause

caught in godly claps silent, silver rage

saps of sacred stares

rest in knives

listen to yourself 

melt

moan

multiply

sensual archways lined in caffine, in japanese cats and claws

clips of cobblestone alleys and cigarettes

slender women and toast

driven, exploring skin

a drive rips my morning in eighteen colors

crayons bleed confusion for nothing matches my submarines

sweet teens, soft kings, fatigued, famished, small

smells of dull money, shining bright of constant, consistancy

crap cradle in a dry baige straight line

a roaring youth expells a stale vibrationa 

universal art is twirling in this current

cunt, casper, plastic bottles full of ginger sizzle

wet, grounded, smoke on porches in cities sailing

mail comes, letters, lies, laced in ramble

love rats

punk smirks, saves a girl from dying

gummy sweets swap places with a cold lonely

leather boots skip along, sliding over rubber cheese 

maple syrup screams its secrets smothering destiny

weightfull

hilarious maple

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this backporch on marple cradles me in the night torched with breezy details. swiping my hairs dangling against my face like a willows weep. slick black trees like leather lie across a gradient canvas. purples and grays blend nicely into an old grape library. i study the starlit fade of an endless desert moonbank. dropping hints to a clockless voyage. awakening a craving that bends towards the ungraspable treasure. following the veining branch of an oldtime root king. his lean is envious and sturdy. i watch the stillness breathe. loosening the vines throughout a temple holding shivers. simmering the self into a constant gentle rhythm. the hands pressed on my shoulder leak a violet spring rain. the streams beneath my feet release a blueish wet lightning. when fright and fiddle flush the heart, its kept from opening in full. love that stems from the beginning of time will heal a sick and festering fellow. this “now” in march licks my wounds. im helplessly alive. hopelessly devoted to an elusive purpose.   

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i keep bouncing back and forth between acceptance and the willful rage

i am trying to fill gaps and wholes in MY life selfishly beneath an angry veil

when i do this im following my own orders

i am also the fire fueling my delusional hell

sometimes its easier to fall back into yourself when the mind gets heavy

losing sight that the answers in the center where its throbbing for grace

this head wont release me to long exhales

ill think my way into a slow motion suicide

emotions of a tween bubble up in radical interactions, irrational conclusions

he makes me lore myself outback and wreck myself with gut punches

when i hate myself i hate you too

and anger has me on a leash again

when my life is filtered through a cold and bitter filter i run off the rails

i cant afford to bend this ride, i dont have the luxury of resenting you

if i let my internal secret storybook spin webs

i coat my life with shields that keep me weezing

when im smothered by unnecessary focus, i block myself off from flying

i warp my view of life, humans and myself into this messy torture

ive tasted freedom in bits and batches

but sometimes i decide to swallow it whole

for a three minute dance

for an artificial mashup

for an steamy corress

for your fucking validation

because im too comfrotable to surrender to arms stronger than mine

to a heart that beats through exceptionally daunting spills

theres a bomb that ticks and hangs out close to pain and fear

my type only has so long before the collapse into the winds of the infection

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im shaking because i feel small

feeling like your not enough shrivels your gut into a lifeless object

smacks your heart like it did something wrong

compresses your chest into blackness

im dissecting my flaws like a detective

comparing my life to the rest of the peddlers 

im trying not to hate myself, im trying not to hate you

we’re all getting used to not knowing why our souls scream sideways

my heart is dripping and heavy

this weight is causing the physical beat to double

opening up was a fear, is a fear and still shivers

its cold in this part of town, and the winds aggression is better than this

to believe someone thinks of you and winces  

to digest the fact that your eyes don’t change their vibrations

with these beliefs i want to hide, or act out in rage

rage against the heart opening, rage against exposure

such feelings of ache stick to my muscles

braiding my thinking into ridiculous patterns

but i choose to redirect the waves towards sunrise

i sink into magic through music through God

having faith in the hand that will pull me aboard

remaining brave throughout the human experience

this pull on my life that lays me down in the beautiful

will throw me out of my nest, throw me deeper into me

the more i expose myself to the sun

the stronger the burns, the farther ill stretch and shimmer

realizing the divine, surrendering to its breath

ill die over and over

to explode in the slowest of motions

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sour patches

whispering salty air, quickly turns to a twitching rage

a subtle creep, doubling in time and size in the shadows

cold tones emerge through the behavior of the wolf

a child who is monstrous, strikes surrounding breathers

this infection is highly motivated, to lay its veil upon my eyes

its grind cuts me with a knife when i let it unmask its deathly smile

its voice splits my core, and pushes me into self, into storms

suddenly im on top of you, hunting what i think i need to rest my chatter

i forgot about this looped tape, this rumbling brain dance

i must express this curdling jealousy, this painful shrinking

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god

you have been stuffed inside my gut, my mind, my over stimulated heart

your breaths have been shortened every time i sliced my chest with curiosity-

hiding, with the devil drive, and the inability to see any other softer way

i am done neglecting the only thing deeply rooting for my life to be seen

its time to be kind, and love the deep design which is me, which is you

the flowing river of free, deeply living in a painful and fulfilling beauty

life unraveling its terms in full awareness is a smacking wind that bruises

what a gift it is to be thrown, to be hurled in such magical escapades

because these godly hands are hovering close when i choose to let go

of my gripping need for strict control, of my electric focus on selfish feedings

the stone cold barricade around my heart is melting as i let the light seep in

spilling truth and hope in heavy waters made from the origin of love

god is in the rain, in honest tears so our faces can be granted with truth

brutally real, genuinely heartbreaking, masterly composed for connection

a true witness of creation has been honored to battle himself till death

how much sweeter the breath is when you rid yourself of smothering fear

i used to be fascinated by caterpillars, and their live version of rebirth

another creature, a new purpose on earth to nonchalant vibrations

i brought this topic to my uncle, expecting equal amazement and no answers

he responded with- “don’t we all do that”? and i nodded doubtfully.

his words now trail my days like butterfly’s, im chasing this truth in a million colors

exploring the roads id once avoided- they were just too long, and too wide

i cant deny these coincidences, or label these moments anything other then..

a divine artist, a lover of all who sculpts the world to intensely digest itself-

a gift to never loose sight of.

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purge

the afternoon breathes wilting eyelids and foggy coffee shop windows  

the storm is a deep mix of reckless passion, strict ideals and chatter

on such a pleasant landscape, though the hills are spread sporadically

i rock and roll with fierce awareness, this flaming faith can not give out

the creative genius chokes me after weeks of mental hoarding

the choice to keep my heart so small, so secret breaks at random

to survive i need to show my flowing ache, my dancing spirits

or my chest will implode to painful love, a melody for the living sap

drip, drap, drop, drain your clutter, its claustrophobic in there

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staring into a seductive lava lamp, listening to a dreampop heartache

its both soundtrack and music video to the laughing of my bubbling core

the surrender of my flailing will, the weakness that still clenches the pits

all in a mist breathing, brushing my skin in a gentle ressurecting waltz

thinking about what it means to be emotional, feeling the slow-motion jabs

being cut by these knives, rocks the tightly knotted mile long secret

the hiding place holding truth, that i am scared and that i am unwinding

finally surfacing to a point of awareness, releasing its hands all over me

its two AM and im wet with wonder, where will this wind blow me in morning

forgiving my sick side still burning, i inhale the hardest i’ve ever managed

exhaling my dirt, and stardust and innocence, what i do not know and do

my intentions bleed into the world as they will, allow me to infect you

i am good

unfinished

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what do i want? - a person that will allow me to press my body into theirs, make out with their face and hang tight with. the desire to commit to a relationship and play an important role in someones life does not interest me. maybe because its too heavy. i cant hang with the heavy for too long right now. being paired up, being too close to one person in full makes my belly shrink. i can have friends, im learning to have real friendships currently. so to cut even deeper into myself then split myself in half is too much to ask for. i still am a broken girl a lost girl, trying day by day to stand tall, fearless and free.

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day100

waking up to a peaceful stillness, giggling in a garden toasting above Decembers cold hands

reading pages of ink forming words, a vision shutting blinds of the mind and the screaming

this constant melodic stream runs its achy living limbs down the back of my neck 

selfless spirit is released into a lucid rhythm, its familiar and races through my bones

alone in gold I’m close to crying, when all i can inhale is the song of an undefinable ease

an overbearing sensation of helplessness and strength, in a moment like this i am brilliantly whole

god has planted seeds in my chest, full of countless opportunities to dismount from poison

to wrap my arms tightly around all life and love, shedding layers of self so others can confide

as the sun drips down, down below the horizon line, i stir in a pulsing shock of freedom

the me that lets you see the human grip, connects to your demons, your soft angels 

entangled in the dusk dream, my instincts arise to a lilac riot, and your eyes mangle my focus

to balance this shaky nature, i pump the brain with jabbing hooks, music for the gutter-flies

and close to midnight, miles of thought are waves breaking, static fizzing in a cocoon

muscling through our species natural emotions, lets a new experience dance on greater planes

a thin chain still wraps itself around this aching heart, blocking its ability to fully expand in rainbows

dying to feel in full, i sit with the intensity of an unraveling awareness, slowly becoming undone

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having everything you need is sometimes blurred by a wicked pulsating desire

the itch for an endless blooming satisfaction wrestles your god in the pits

mastering perfect wrecks the you that weeps for freedom from the enemy

mastering you by saturating knowledge will let the darkness swallow your sanity 

stretch me out of my comfort zone so i bake in your effortless lesson on growth

change me quietly when i bless those swimming close with gripping fangs

his face makes me feel like im thirteen and nervous in a church basement dance

her shape makes me feel like i need again, so i play my strings with my face in blankets so i slip in silently with the rest of the still, breathing night. 

to be continued 

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concepts and fractals

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commas

a diseased past, a swamp full of mendacious cons

fizzling between the brows, battling in a night time death row

this aching fuss, triggers the midnight screaming conscious

to flip upside down, to shed the weight of a leeching grind

no longer a channel, no longer a portal growing in size

for a multiplying parasite, to escape through and hunt in

the circling process, the living proof of a lazaras miracle

implants each breathing day, with ten thousand “holy shits”

repelling against the heart in waves, resting its throbbing pulse

rectifies old sloppy habits, slowly in this mysterious arena

a circus for thought jugglers, a chase for lusty dreamers

the science of gods face, is a never ending story of impossible 

octopus hands with paint, brush the colors through rain

these veins inside the bodily rhyme, infect and fuck the willows

comparing the similar, we all reek a stifing secret jazz

revealing a power greater, existing in our buried clamshells 

a constant cleansing, lets the center open wide and free

lavishing the deeply worn, with the cure for sudsy home sickness

bruising days with memories, will sink the chest in later mazes

today im falling through seconds in ecstasy, gripped by solace in grey’s

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jaded epiphany

the fix is a wet laser, tossing our crystallized cores in webs

spun together in a unified dust, mystified in tangible minutes

no sight of flesh on the figures, in the swaying amber dawn

only the bodies of a blazing October, making love in natures veins

the sweet cry of a melting panic, echos in waves for hungry hearts

inspiring movement in empty palms, lengthening life to chase God

  the physical is such trickery, disrupting the spiritual from expanding

our rumbling souls will one day quiet, and comb each others thick brains

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falling up

eventually, warm gold rain will circulate around the mental knot

expanding into cracks crying for nectar from a radiant gaze

uncertainty will become faith, and forever undue this tripping

so our saturated hearts of passion will unfold in soul-stitching waterfalls  

twisting in the air with a love you cant hold with human grips

wrecks trapping thick ropes, louring the sick to an inevitable sink

in the midst of an overgrown intelligence, fighting the roots of breathe

rests a sweet exhale centering, outside and inside our roaring chambers

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romantasyntharising

its funny, and pretty wild

how the force working in you

is the force working in me

it brought us to collision

blooming hundred waters

reeking dusty lockets

underneath wet paintings

a dripping cold sky

expanded when aware

mystic shivers raise my hairs

the night has guided my thinking

remove my coat

remove these labels

being is breathing deep

tempting the skin

to drop

rot

your ties

to laborious thought

i’ll play the same game

we’ll touch when our lives rhyme

reconnecting soundwaves

splitting old, long nights

that were devastating

and muddy

remembering im running

on the breath of a genius

unfathomable, invisible

irreplaceable and leaking

all over my precious

vivid reality peaking

my best cant be me

it sings sweet, and deep

and crushes my very

mind bending circus

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