Life @elainoelaina - Tumblr Blog

There's a calm surrender, to the rush of day. When the heat of the rolling wave, can be turned away.

I feel at peace.

Someone said they wanted to live life on hard mode. That it's too easy for them.

I just want to live life. And just be. No more chasing of the "should be". I'm just living and the ideals are ever changing. Will learn, experience and reflect.

[typing this as I'm currently covering two new portfolios as 2 colleagues in our team of 4 are on medical and marriage leave. But as always, will survive]

How will you measure your life?

It's a book I'm reading but something I was thinking of the other day. I asked a friend - what the priorities are now. The days are passing. What if they pass and I don't do what I want to do at the end. And one day I'll be 45 and realise it's too late to do anything. i.e. I want kids. I know I want to get married. What if I don't meet anyone by the time I'm 45 :(

What are ways to structure my thinking? I dont want to have data and past experiences to know that I'm on the wrong path.

---

On work. Yipeng asked how I was and how's work. The simple answer is that it's ok.

The one to unpack is that I love what I'm doing. The days fly by. My work consumes me. I enjoy what I do and it's such a good fit. I can't imagine doing anything else I'll enjoy more. All my expertise from before makes sense in this job. I work with WHO. Plan events. Fill up WHO questionnaires at a country level. I write, I read up on organisations and assess their requests. I keep updated on my favourite topic of health promotion. The mission resonates with me - a nation of healthy people.

Yet, I'm filled with anxiety. I've had so many mini burnouts. I keep having to pull myself through so many times. My health is detoriating. My eyes twitch uncontrollably at times. I fall sick. Had a ear infection that took a week of antibiotics to clear up.

I'll make a conscious effort to rest and slow down.

* caveat that this post was written over a week at different time points*

Everyone finds their path in life. Given time. The path will straighten

It's somewhat therapeutic to write.

It helps me to process.

2021. It hasn't been a good start dating wise.

There was this Filipino-Chinese guy who just moved here from Canada. We went out on two dates and we spoke on the phone a few times. He's sweet. Very bright. Feels like peter - in the sense that he's curious about everything. I remember sitting at a cafe on the first date when he said that. Said that it can be anything, even on garbage trucks.

So many questions and unpacking of social issues, human rights and all sorts of topics. I should have asked him more questions on tech on hindsight haha.

About three weeks in, he said he found someone else he'll like to be exclusive with so we stopped texting.

Reminder to self: Protect the self until someone wants to be exclusive.

I'll remain hiding here in my shell. Until it's safe to be out.

----

Printing guy messages once in awhile. Conversations are insightful. It helps me to grow and shape thoughts. I worry it'll hurt me in the long run though. That I'm holding out hopes that he'll change his mind.

It's silly.

My year of dating during the COVID-19 Pandemic 2020

As I stood at the junction of Outram Park MRT (metro line) earlier in Jan 2021, I was reminded of a date I had in Jan 2020.

I connected with the person on Bumble, an online dating app where women makes the first move to initiate conversations.

Honestly, the date itself was unmemorable. It felt more like a networking session where I learnt more about renewable energy business development. Haha! What was memorable was that as I was walking to the restaurant for a date, my (now) current company's HR called me to make an offer. I recall walking on this street trying to ask about benefits and negotiate the pay, while thinking that my dinner date is probably wondering if I stood him up.

I rushed in after the call and thankfully, he didn't seem to mind.

Dates pre-pandemic seems like a far flung memory. To caveat, I haven been on many dates before the pandemic - I only just began to start dating when the pandemic hit. Before that, it was a haphazard mess of 'I don't know what this is'.

Not long after that not-too-memorable dinner date, I met another person on the app. We had a couple of dates but I think the circuit breaker (lockdown) took a toll on whatever we may have had. I wanted to video call more, he didn't and things fizzled out.

Post lock-down for us Singaporeans happened around June 2020 and things cautiously re-opened. We can meet in person now. Restaurants are opened, with a max sitting of 5 and 1m apart. Other facilities are open too. I've even went to a movie with a 'friend'.

Dates were a combination of "can we share food?", "How close can we stand?" While mentally thinking: "Was that a sneeze?" " Were you sick last week?"

I must have been at least 15 dates with 10 people in 2020. Some ghosted me. I've stopped replying some. Have learnt how to "end things properly", how to not have expectations, how to chill. How some deep conversations don't lead anywhere. How when you thought things are going well, the other party may not feel the same.

It feels like a procurement process - i.e. you put up a 'tender' to call for applicants. And then assess. I feel like people's second choice to try while they have an ideal candidate in mind. And then they reject me 😔

It's been a roller coaster ride that I hope to get off soon.

Welcome to 2021. A new era of human relations.

A reminder to self: Avoid setting up first dates on Valentine's Day. It creates unnecessary expectations and hope.

It is a nice thought to know. That the person meant for me is on his own journey now. He may be round the corner, or I'll have to search high and low for him.

But it's comforting to know, that he's there out there somewhere.

Today was such a good day. I had the most amazing time. I haven felt this alive in awhile. I want to type this post before I forget the details and holding on to the feeling.

'Afterglow' by Ed Sheeran's a good track to write this to and encompasses the feelings I have.

Remember the guy I mentioned? The entrepreneur who said he doesn't think this will go romantically (will call him DG for his initials)? We said we can hang still. Planned cycling. I didn't realise he would invite his friend (had an inkling. Let's call his friend A by his initials) but wasn't sure until the guy turned up.

So it was raining so heavily the past days. But we ended up cycling in the rain. Had hot chocolate in the rain at a cafe by the beach watching people windsurf and sail. Saw someone surfing too. We ended up swimming in the rain as well. Super fun.

Both of them are really good friends (same age as me) and met on a southeast asian-Japan cruise that sailed to different ports for two months. They are the kind that will take random trips and fly out of the country (*cough* Weanne and Vishal. I miss you guys). One of A's inspiration was DG who at 23 has several businesses. A weny on to co-found his own fintech after. He's one of the Forbes 30 under 30, among other things. D is more of an entrepreneur/opportunist (in his words) in the printing industry as compared to a 'start-up founder' who wants to solve something. Really impressive and I'm honoured to be in their presence haha. And they want to travel the world at 35 and do a road trip from Singapore to Europe. DG has his own car that he got for road trips and was talking about how to enlarge the space with a tent and adding an inflatable mattress etc. So fun to hang out with them both and they really know how to enjoy life. It makes me feel so happy to hang with them. It fulfils something in me but I don't know what it is.

I heard more about their thoughts on doing good and giving back too, which was something they debated on a lot previously.

For A, his views are that it's a duty and responsibility to give back. I realise I could post a link to some of the articles online that he has written. On his life story and what spurred him to give a helping hand back to society. Message me and I'll send the link.

For DG, his view is that it is not an obligation to give back. He feels that people should help themselves. And if he gives, it's because the person worked for it.

That said, both will still give. And they both plan to stop working at this pace/ retire by 40 but continue doing work. For A, something like gates - build schools, hospitals, education etc. While doing stuff from a mountain maybe. For DG - If I recall right, to handover the reins of the company to his general manager. And he can do what he wants.

We spent the rest of the car ride back talking about other things on a lighter note. Like their thoughts on matchmaking. Views on whether it is ok to text ex-es on their birthday. And should bf/gf have access to passwords of the other half (gmail, bank account, phone..) and thoughts on why my female friends are single hahahahaha

So for both. They are single because they are too excited about life and what it brings that relationships are not a focus. They have another friend who is too comfortable with life the way it is that's why he's not seeing anyone.

So there's that. I'm hoping we can hang out again soon :)

And a nice note to end a rainy Saturday at 2am. With much good thoughts to everyone :) holding onto this feeling.

2020 ended on an exhausting note, work wise. I emailed and started the planning late for an international teleconference. Got scolded and we rushed to do up slides for speakers. While they may not see it on NYE.. am glad we finished before the year ended and I had my new year weekend.

I didn't sleep too well the past nights. I dreamt of being chased and in the last dream, a group of us (not sure who) had to solve puzzles to get out of a house. The crocodile nearly got me in the last dream.

As we are getting into 2021, I thought it'll be good to reflect on the past year. It was a turbulent year. Trying to find peace.

I remember 2020's word was light. To make it a light one, to let there be light.

There was light.. work helped to shine light and provided me a new environment. But also life got heavy 😂 with working from home one month into the new job, lockdown with family. Although I started dating more, that was fun :)

2021. "Rebuild". It seems apt. Rebuilding life, not quite post covid but post engagement, post HL. Post saw swee hock school of public health. Post KC.

Leaving triggers behind and will rebuild for something healthy and happy. I'll wait and keep staying strong. It'll be a good year.

'We write to taste life twice. One in the moment and one in retrospect' - Anais Nin

When I asked what could go wrong at the end of 2020.. I didn't mean it.

I scheduled a first date with someone on an app. He said drinks at Chijmes (the place where they filmed the wedding scene for Crazy Rich Asians). I thought it sounded nice. On my way to the location, I checked the app and his profile seems deleted. Thought it was rather odd but could be that he decided not to use apps anymore? Lo and behold, of course the person didn't turn up. Didn't realise that 'last seen a long time ago' on telegram meant that I was blocked.

Well, learnt something new. And have never been stood up before. There's a first for everything...

Went next door for surprisingly affordable Michelin star restaurant to make the self feel better. Gonna get Macdonald's ice cream next....

Weanne, you'll love the lights at this place.

Just when I thought the year couldn't get any worse. And I have work tomorrow 😔😔

Edit: I shouldn't have went out for this just that it was arranged and I should have just said I'm not gonna see anyone new for awhile. Emotionally exhausted. I think a break would be good.

So, my paternal grandpa passed away last Sat. It has been a long week thus far. And almost Christmas. Have been at the funeral and helping out.

Also processing a couple of things. To add to the whammy, someone I had a second date with said that he doesn't want to waste my time and that he doesn't feel that this will go romantically.

And to tell me this during the funeral process isn't very considerate but perhaps, good that I know now 😔

Processing. Loss in different aspects of life.

Grieving. For my grandpa. And for the loss of the could-have-been relstionship.

Grateful. That my grandpa had a well-lived life. 96 years. And grateful that the person let me know early, and have learnt so much from him on business.

Life goes on. I don't want to tempt fate by asking what else could go wrong in 2020. 8 more days till the end of the year.

Merry Christmas eve all.

Doing work on a saturday morning and this reflection helps me to write and draft talking points for our CEO's presentation.

Had a conversation with my ex-supervisor, she officially handed over the international collabs portfolio to me. I am now a one-man team managing international collaborations for health promotion in Singapore. Haha while it is a yay! But also sigh, haha ah well.

She said I need to find what makes me happy at work. Reflecting on this. I told her, small things and basically:

1) Sharing knowledge. What I do appears somewhere. I pulled out statistics online from the IMHE (Institute of metric and health evaluation) site. Did you know what Singapore has the highest healthy life expectancy at birth worldwide? In the recent findings Global Burden of Disease study by IMHE, our HALEs is at 73.9 years, up from 66.6 years in 1990! Haha ok so I did slides and my bar chart turned up in the local newspaper :p hehe. Writing our singapore food strategy as a case study for an ASEAN report makes me happy too.

2) Knowing that at the end. It impacts the well being of the nation. Keeping people healthy. Enabler, may not need to be direct impact. So not being a doctor or direct healthcare practictioner or not directly running programmes is ok for me.

My ex supervisor wrote in her handover email that she's glad she could pass over to a passionate and capable team :) ❤️

I was reading my old post. I wrote that the team must have seen something in me, to hire me. I found out what the evaluation criteria was. My ex-supervisor told me yesterday. She said there were two promising candidates, myself and someone more experienced. But she felt that the person with more experience may be less receptive to ideas and more rigid. She thought I would be able to be trained. When she surfaced my name to the group director, the group director warned her that since I'm from the outside (non-public service), my ex-sup would need more time to get me up to speed. And my ex-sup was willing. I'm glad she took a chance on me :)

I'm glad I measured up. I won't let them down. I felt very heartened this morning when I saw her out-of-office that she put me as the contact point for any strategic planning and international collaborations queries ❤️ it made my day.

That's it for now.

Backdated: this post was from 5 Dec and combining it with the past week (12 Dec now)

Sharing on my therapy sessions. This is personal though, sharing it with my few friends on this tumblr post (please don't reshare). I thought to document it, somewhat like a notes of meeting - in case I forget them someday.

I'll try to keep thoughts concise in this post.

I started therapy properly in November. Today was session number 3.

Session 1 on 23 Oct 2020 - learnt about breathing and tapping. Shared briefly about the self. Therapist shared that what she does is to help me process their traumas (small ts). To work out these blockages

Session 2 (talk therapy) on 28 Nov.

Session 3 now for therapy therapy. The aim was to uncover more about my thought processes . And processing any emotional blockages. It was nice to speak about HL to a professional. She asked me to close my eyes and do breathing. To share any thoughts that come to my mind.

On processing emotional blockages. Trying to align the self and do the emotional work. I laugh when someone told me they were doing emotional work on themselves. I thought I was above that and already doing it (so naive). Haha all the more important to reflect.

Some blockages:

- She said it still feels like I want to get back together with HL. That I regret things and if I could change it, I would. (Not sure. I thought I've let go)

- She told me to think about... Traits I appreciate in an ideal partner. What I want.

- She said not to go to dates thinking I want to find a long term relationship or boyfriend. For now, to enjoy the dates and have fun. I didn't know. Hahahaha haven been in this situation for such a long time. And I tend to jump into relationships easily before and haven processed. This is indeed the longest I've been by the self since I was 13. (Okayy yes too young). But also, it's liberating and I am getting to know myself better :)

Next talk session on next Thurs :)

Got me thinking about why I want be in a relationship. I suppose, for a partner to experiences in life. I hope to have new experiences too - go for sky diving, marry, have kids, etc. Walk through life with while being able to enjoy it.

Steps taken:

- I've joined a dating agency 😂 don't laugh k. Just wanted to give things a try :) matched with an accounting guy for a mid dec date. Let's see!

- I'm trying to be more open to meeting people now. Let's see where that goes.

Therapist asked me to write down the traits of an ideal partner. It came up in the conversation and helps me discover more about myself and what I want.

- Someone who is balanced and moderate. I think at this stage in life, I cannot handle people who have a bad temper or make extreme decisions out of anger. That said, I like someone who is opinated and have strong, clear views on issues. Makes decisions quickly and soundly.

- Someone with a drive. To accomplish something and working towards it. I tend to favour people who are entrepreneur and knows how to make the best of opportunities.

- Someone resilient and able to bounce back or keep going rationally in the face of difficulties.

- Considerate and has empathy for others. While the person may not agree, it would be nice to have some understanding that there are many sides to every issue.

- Someone open to adventures and new experiences. Someone who can have fun in one moment while having a serious discussion the next. Someone who have the appreciation on how to live life while taking into account practical considerations.

- Intelligence is a must, along with the ability to analyse and discuss issues. Someone who can articulate well is a major bonus.

Update (15 dec): someone who gives me the leeway to make mistakes. Who lets me do "elame" things. To be me. And that I'm clumsy and make silly and something not so sound suggestions. To give me some space to do stupid things but trust that I am rational and sound. Would like someone non-judgemental.

That's it for now.

I'll put up another post on my recent date last evening on 11 Dec. Not sure how to process that yet.

So remember the post on November about this guy I met from an app? Well I got my first rejection text too.

A "thank you for your time and consideration, I think you are a great person and enjoyed our conversation but I did not find myself romantically attracted to you after our first meeting" text. I have not received something like that before and while I did anticipate that the person wasn't keen, it still stings. But am really appreciative that 1) the person didn't ghost me and 2) there's a possibility of being friends still. Basically, am glad there was closure. And thankful that there are still kind and decent people in the world. Had to google how to reply to rejection texts too 😂

I'm re-thinking the world now - how do people get romantically attracted to another??

Am learning how to be human again.

I think the past few years (exacerbated by the pandemic and lockdowns) have scarred me so much that I forgot what it means to be a functioning member of society.

This week has taught me that it is important to be polite with people. Especially those that you have not met or meeting again after a long while. There's a colleague in another agency who's really helpful in my work now, and I think it's because I reached out the right way (dropped a message to say hi when he came back from an overseas posting. We met two years back briefly) and I wasn't being presumptuous etc.

In contrast, I realised that I have been a little rude to colleagues that I have not met in person. 😔 I may have written some emails carelessly and haven been as thoughtful 😔

Learning also, the importance of setting expectations right. Coordinating, making sure everyone's aligned 😔 I knew all these from years back and I'm wondering how I could have forgotten these lessons.

Or am I being too hard with the self?

Also noting that it's World Kindness Day 😅

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