llazuli

no longer human ︱ lgbtq+, she/they, legal academia

[eleventhgrace]

Christmas 2020, I look so cute.

[thoughtkick]

“There are two types of people you will meet in your life. One will run a finger down the index of who you are and jump straight to the parts of you that peak their interest. The other will take his or her time reading through every one of your chapters and maybe unfold corners of you that inspired them most. You will meet these two people; it is a given. It is the third that you’ll never see coming. That one person who not only finishes your sentences, but keeps the book.”

— Unknown

[eleventhgrace]

don't know what I deserve

I'm back to square one again in terms of dating.

Single, clueless and lonely.

It's not always bad though, the time and effort I've been investing into myself is priceless. That's just the result of not having to redirect some of that towards others, or, as was my case, most of it.

On the train last night I was thinking about what my future holds, especially with regards to romance and companionship. Two things I love so dearly but can hardly admit it, because I never get to experience them genuinely. My prior experiences of romance and companionship always came with a price, that price varied according to the type of demon I had attached myself to.

My most recent ex had a plethora of issues we could explore, but mainly he valued sex- no, he prioritised his sexual experience, more than anything else. I, too annoyed and afraid to say no outright, would always say 'maybe next time'. And he'd use this against me for decades to come. My heart still aches.

Anyway

I wonder if this is the treatment I'm confined to lol. Because I realised how the men who I find physically attractive never seem to look at me the same way. Perhaps because I'm not pretty enough. That very well might be the case, especially since I mostly see these men in the library. And in the library we have even more beautiful women, so many to adore. I don't blame them, I'm pansexual but I've never been with women before so I don't really know how to navigate my sexuality. In that regard, I'd say I'm even more hopeless because no woman has ever expressed interest in me like that.

I wish I knew what to do.

I know answers and solutions vary, what's right to do right now won't always be the best course of action. And at the moment it's safe to say that I have nothing more important to me than my exams. So dating or romance lay dormant, as they have been for a while, even while I was in a relationship - he only ever planned to take me to his place, I can count on one hand how many times he's suggested an 'outside' date.

I'm in pain, what I thought was comfort was really just convenience.

In conclusion, I don't know if I'm physically attractive enough to at least get the attention of men I like. If that's the case then I may possibly be confined to the affection of men who only see me as a pretty thing. I'm not saying the men who find me attractive right now are all sleazebags but a good *majority* of them have masculinity issues, clearly I've had history with this flock and now that I'm older I see the pattern.

I just want someone who will find me attractive and not mentally exhaust me because they're overgrown children. Lord, ease my pain.

[eleventhgrace]

where will life lead me

I think I look to people in love for the answer.

Those in love with people of different cultures, their interest budding despite a clear difference in backgrounds. There should be some universal understanding and empathy for most of us, some more than others.

I know women who spent their years looking for love in their home countries, searching among this sea of men only to find love in a place completely unlike the familiar. I've always felt like that may very well be the case with me, perhaps that's why I'm so intrigued.

But I'm not intrigued by the differences, nor by the logistical decisions to be taken. I'm just wondering if a life worth living truly does exist beyond the ecosystem my family and state provided for me. I wonder if there's an opportunity worth seeking out for me in places that don't have my favourite foods readily available and my loved ones aren't a car drive away.

With how much I've been sheltered from the place I live in now, I can't quite envision a world where those boundaries meant nothing to me. It's like looking at a wall but knowing even if you pass through it, there's nothing stopping you.

Maybe I just want independence, to face the world I've kept hidden from and prove that my own spirit and devices will suffice. It hurts your children eventually, if you infatilise them in the sickest ways in the name of love. I'll find love elsewhere, you already know I'm not texting you back.

[the-final-sentence]

“It’s how I found out that being single isn’t the end; in fact, it’s often just the beginning.”

— Evette Dionne, from “Just the Beginning”

[eleventhgrace]

my mother hates me

she hates that I'm younger

because being young means you don't have kids to look after, don't have to work for a minimal salary to provide for them '

it means that you're surrounded by people who are discovering themselves by delving into new interests, because they have time and you have time

but when you're older and have made decisions you regret, such as marrying a person who could never truly financially provide the way you expect them to or give you emotional fulfilment - you tend to hate everyone

you also tend to deflect a lot, because taking the blame yourself feels like far too much accountability

so you smother your children, give them unhelpful advice to sabotage them, because you want them to prioritise your desires - because not even you did when you had the time

i'm sorry you're a miserable bitch who had to marry the first man who gave her any attention, must feel shameful to be so easily manipulated

married him, had kids and had to slave away for them because financially stability ain't all that accessible

you never had the ability to regulate your own emotions because you so heavily relied on others to do it for you

your brain, you dumb whore, doesn't fucking work for anything

now i'd be a lot more charitable to you if i wasn't a victim of your unresolved anger

i was young and impressionable, you wanted me to remain that way

unfortunately for you, most of the world is a lot smarter than a high school graduate who spread her legs for the first dickhead who sent her flowers

you miserable bitch.

[caeruleuz]

okay but like am i the only one that’s intimidated by their own goals??

[dailyanimatedgifs]

when marnie was there 「思い出のマーニー 」 (2014) dir. yonebayashi hiromasa

[the-final-sentence]

“‘Because curses can be broken.’”

— Marissa Meyer, from Gilded

[thoughtkick]

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”

— Matt Kahn

[eleventhgrace]

Happy March

happy march, a month of revising and catching up on missed topics, also happy birthday Brett Yang

[hollisbrownthornton]

Cassettes, permanent marker on paper, 22 ½ x 30 inches, 2018

Originals - Reproductions - Instagram

[artandchocolate]

Jane Austen - "Sense and Sensibility"

[thehopefulquotes]

“Millions of people have decided not to be sensitive. They have grown thick skins around themselves just to avoid being hurt by anybody. But it is at great cost. Nobody can hurt them, but nobody can make them happy either.”

— Unknown

[cyberpunkes]

GHIBLI REWATCH 🐉 Only Yesterday おもひでぽろぽろ (1991) dir. Isao Takahata

 If today’s no good, you’ll have tomorrow. If tomorrow’s no good, you’ll have the next day.

[the-final-sentence]

“Trip them with your guitar.”

— Bob Kaufman, from “Blues for Hal Waters”

[eleventhgrace]

I think the one thing I still don't understand is how my life has continued despite the obvious potholes in my way. Dissuaded and tired, I make it back to the starting line again.

Why? Why?