today is my bday. not rlly relevant but maybe it’s context? every sunday i give myself my subq estrogen shot and of course every time leading up to it i shake, sweat and feel the nerves. i’m not particularly scared of needles but the act of it puncturing your body with a sharp object (this time unfortunately overnighted from jeff bezos ville) is objectively scary, right? well, i did it today and started bleeding in a way that has never happened before. i’m okay, i think, but im sitting down drinking water now writing this so if i dont every post on tumblr again im a dead girl. the extra blood immediately made me feel a lot of things. am i about to pass out or collapse? did i hit something scary and dangerous (god i hope not) and do i call an ambulance bc my roommates aren’t home. then i thought i cant call my mom, i cant let her know im taking hrt injections, she knows im trans and i think she knows im on e but i am scared ill be met with judgment, concern and criticism. “dont take those hormones you’re going to hurt yourself permanently” — my dad said a few months ago, “those hormone things kill you, pseudo science and will shorten your life,” not the response you wanna hear when you’ve worked up the courage to be vulnerable about your gender—hate to say it lol but—something deeply personal and rooted within your body/mind/soul. i wish i could call my mom and cry that im scared and be met with understanding. as if it was a medicine like insulin that i needed to take.. but i do need to take this.. but mom doesn’t see that. i wish i was born female. i wish i could explain this to my mom. i will one day soon but i wish i knew id be met with understanding. i’m so scared of this medicine but i can’t take this pills. my dad and the world gets in my head, maybe i will die young from this, but i would rather live 10 days as me than 50 as a dysphoric man. i love being trans. i do. our perspectives are so valuable, powerful, and complex. i just hate being scared. and more than anything i hate being misunderstood. goodnight.
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