elluhhh

sand coded

[ellameiii]

I'll always be too much, and never enough.

[ellameiii]

Lord, if it's not meant for me,

Remove the hope and desire in my heart to love and be loved.

[ellameiii]

Were we supposed to end or did I just fumble you?

[ellameiii]

I miss you in places you never went to,

I knew you would've loved the pancakes in that new coffee shop down the street.

I knew you would've cringed with me if I told you about the latest news at work.

You would've laughed with me as I told you stories of my dog.

You would've hated the schedule my volunteer work gave me.

All these things that happened after you somehow hold memories of you, like an old ghost from centuries ago.

You still exist in theory, yet long gone in the real world. Your name still lingers my lungs like all I've ever breathed is you.

A Schrodinger you, of what was and what still is. What isn't, and what could've been; what is and what can never be.

[ellameiii]

I married you,

but it wasn’t the wedding vows

that made me cry;

it was the knowing

that you'd break every one.

I married you,

and I know I'll never stop wondering

how it feels

To be chosen completely.

[ellameiii]

First date idea:

Marriage

[ellameiii]

Why is there always another girl?

[uniquecookie]

Will you wait for me?

- I, never left.

[ellameiii]

i fuckin hate that even after all this time, after everything you did, after everything that happened, i'd still run to you if i were in a room full of people i love and have loved before

[ellameiii]

How do you stop looking at your home

That's burning to the ground?

How do I stop reaching for your hand

When it holds the knife that killed me?

[ellameiii]

My dearest Hissy,

I wish you’d come back.

Different parts of me want you back

for different reasons.

One part wants you here

so I can finally explain everything

without trembling.

One part wants to love you

the way I couldn’t when I was scared,

when you were half-there.

One part wants to pick up where we left off,

like maybe this time

we’ll get it right.

And one part

God, one part just wants you to come back

so I can finally walk away first.

I don’t know what I’d do if you came back.

All I know is that I want it.

Even if it ruins me.

Even if I don’t know what version of myself

would meet you at the door.

I think it's too early to say, but today I love you a little more.

I may not know what I want when you come back,

But I do know I still want you here.

[ellameiii]

Loving you felt like cutting myself open to bleed

and then apologizing

for the mess it made.

Loving you felt like trespassing

into a place

I built for you.

Loving you felt like apologizing

just simply

for loving you.

[ellameiii]

I do not want to be the harbor

love docks in for calm

but never meant to anchor;

where they sail off healed

without goodbye.

[ellameiii]

I hope

My absence

Gave you peace

My love couldn't

[ellameiii]

She tells me about her day,

and I want to be part of all her tomorrows.

[ellameiii]

I don't want to write new memories with someone else's handwriting,

I don’t want to trace over your name in someone else’s ink.

I don’t want to let someone else finish a story you started,

I don’t want to rewrite a love letter that still ends with your name.

[ellameiii]

I set myself on fire

So I could light your path

As you walked away from me

[ellameiii]

It’s like we never even met at all.

You left so cleanly,

I started to wonder

if you were ever really here.

Because strangers

don’t memorize how I take my coffee.

Strangers

don’t whisper promises in between kisses

Strangers

don’t say stay

then vanish like a passing storm.

So what do I do

with the memories

of a person

I’ve never even met?