It's been quite a long time since I last updated~ and when I want to update, I update it in the middle of exam week. I don't know what I am thinking. -_-
But yeah, too much stuffs have been passed since I last updated, lots of activities, new experiences, maybe a little shift in personality too.
I don't know, but I feel like I am quite bubbly nowadays. Well I still love poetries and philosophies, but I just feel a little less dark than before. I think i consider the perception and aura that i possessed a little bit mediocre for now.
Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing with this blog. What it's meant to be, what am I supposed to do with the writing style, was it coherent enough, and why does it even need to be coherent? who are the audiences of this blog anyway? I've already stated that I don't want to write anything meaningful on purpose here. it is merely for my fascination and this is the place where I can write without worrying what the feedback would be.
Don't get me wrong, I love writing. I love it. Very much. I love writing short stories, proses, and poets. Well, especially proses and poets. But I just can't help but wondering whether my writings are understood by other people, or whether they leave good impression. I want my writings to leave a certain mark in people's mind, i want it to be more than mediocre, more than superficial. So when I write, I write for people to read, then I just getting really insecure of the feedback. But in here, this is not anything great whatsoever, his is just me, rambling, mindtalking, speaking to myself, or expressing whatever emotions which lie within me. It is not necessarily have to be great, no. in fact, it is not natural if it is great, because human has flaws. I have flaws. Human minds are random. Well so does mine. So It is okay for all of my writings here to be incoherent, right? because i write for no one, i write because i feel like it. I don't exactly wrap the tales within proses and adornment of words. It is just me. A quick whispers at the back of my head. And a quick typing of those glimpses of words.
But maybe, it is nice to think that I am making these writings to my future self. Yes. Maybe to track a record progress or something? I've written a few diaries in the past, and when I read it back all over again, it never fails to amaze me, what exactly I have thought in the later years. Sometimes i feel 'No, you're wrong kid, you're too overwhelmed by that.', or 'Oh my god I can't believe I have ever think of that.', or 'Why I can't have those feelings anymore?' or 'What a pompous twat.'
It was always so full of amazement, and that makes me grateful that I have recorded my ideas in some form of transcripts. Sometimes it can be very nostalgic, and sometimes it can even triggers back a seemingly new idea I haven't been thinking for years. So, maybe by doing this, I can please my future self, or remind my future self to not doing some things, or even affecting my future self personality development. Perhaps.
Oh yeah, I got a new experience within these past two months by the way. It's acting! Well, i think it must be very hard for my friends in Junior and senior high to imagine myself to act. Lol yeah, because how can this shy, introverted person act? Well I don;t even know myself. But what i do know though, is I have always been appreciating any form of arts. be it music, paintings, or writings. And art of gestures and emotions just happen to be one of them. Well actually, it started by my inability to join the music class, because it has already been fully booked. I was so sad that time, because I really wanted to learn musics from periods to periods, like baroque, classic, or romantic. And I also want to learn how to sing like in the opera, coloratura etc etc. And I wanted it so bad I cried when I knew I can't sign in for that class.
And, I chose theatre class as a second option. Why exactly? I don't know. I wasn't even sure if I could do it. Hell, I wasn't even sure if I can speak one line without fooling myself up. On top of that, theatre class is known for its difficult-to-pass GPA score. So why then? well I still don't know, maybe I just want to experience something different. Maybe I want to be out of my shell for a while, and be expressive. Oh wait- I remember. I also wanted to explore my emotions and try to be less introverted. yeah.
At first, I was sooooo nervous. I still remember how scary it was to say out your lines out loud in the group session (reading practice). But thanks lord, I did not stutter that much. Jocasta. that was my very first cast, from the story: Oedipus Rex. I still remember how fun it is to play this character. From that on, I gained courage. I start looking through acting videos and how to explore emotions. I discover that acting on stage and acting on screen is an entirely different things.
Acting on stage is all about telling a story. Everything on you, your body, your gesture, arms, legs, has to be integrated in a motion that will help deliver the story. The voice must be loud, and the stage approach must be broad. The microexpression is not essential, because It is not very visible. In fact, it is better to exaggerate the expression a little bit so it can be seen for the audiences. Whereas Screenplay acting, is about to make a perception. It is about how to make a character look real, how to sculpt emotion to a tiny little detail. It is okay if the voice is not loud, as long as it is delivered in the right moment, with the right intonation and the right emphasize. Your eyes and wrinkles are the one that tell the story, and it's also about making other people and other actor feel what is it that you are expressing right now. It is about make them feel loved, if you play lovers, or make them feel hated, if you despise them.
What is really vivid for me and what leaves great character impression is my theatre Final exam play. In which I wrote half of the scenarios. I really love this character. The setting is Indonesia Dutch colonial times. the character is called Kirana, she's a dancer who is in captive. As an idealist dancer, she despises nationalism with all her might. She perceive Independence and nationalism as something futile. Something vague and dirty in this world. I was really, really excited by this character. I tried to do an in-depth character approach, where I ask a lot of my friends who know a little bit about politics. I still remember how hard it is to make a smart and witty remark for Kirana's skepticism in Nationalism. I have to read some articles, reviewing Nietzsche's ideals, and have a midnight discussing session with friends. But I didn't regret it a tiniest bit. I wanted to make it work. I had already in love with the character. So I want to make it work. Really bad.
Yeah, even if my acting skill is at the very beginner level, but never do I feel restricted and forced to act a certain character. I try to play it with my heart. Even if it doesn't look good on stage, or even if I missed it here and there, at least I was satisfied. I play it with genuine love.
So that's it for now. I hope I can write more frequently so I can have any ideas of what am I doing these days.
