So Random! @emilyaurelienpixie69 - Tumblr Blog

People (rant)

I am so annoyed today....

Progress!

People change... According, so some people don't change they only hide their true selves better. In some cases, it's right, for real genuine people we evolve.

Dentist vs. family issues

Ever since I got my tooth pulled the pain on the third day it's been so painful I can't think straight.

Inner Peace Goals accomplishing 2021

Finally, everything is happening as it should be. The next stimulus check will be received on March 29th, 2021 thank god for this. I can pay for Ricky's three shots he needs to get.

Powerful Thoughts

When I was still single after being separated from the man I love four years ago, I made the biggest mistake hooking up with someone I thought was my friend. But in fact he used me when I was vulnerable. I was reminded of the same vulnerable moment on my honeymoon when he messages me reminding me of that moment, and then tried to do that to married woman let alone on her honeymoon.

"No, never I love my husband I would never do this to him. How can you ask me that?"

"If you don't do as I say, I will tell him about what you did while you both were separated four years ago." He sounded menacing and his tone set the villain in these true events.

I hung up on him and the rest of that evening I was shaky, and tried to remember what happened. When I finally did I was mortified.

I fell in Love

Love found me when I least expected this. I have never made any sacrifices while being together with my husband. Because when it's real love there are no sacrifices. It's unconditional true love that I feel when I'm with him.

It's the unconditional love shared between us that has brought us so much closer together. I never thought these feelings are real. The real love shared between to people who love each so much.

I always thought soulmates, true love, and falling in love was just fiction. I was wrong to even think that. True love, falling in love these feelings are infinite. I love my husband Shane. I have so much respect for him, he always encourages me to go outside my comfort zone, to try new things and when I do them I end up loving it.

He encourages me to keep writing, no has ever encouraged me just him, and my friends.

COVD-19 Vaccine

I got my 1st vaccine dose and my husband was with me. He has been worried about me but I told him I am okay.

Tonight will be rough the only thing I feel right now is just fatigue only and body aches. I don't want to tell him even though I can't help it though. I swear him worrying so much it worries because watch if his high blood pressure worsens.

That scares me a lot, because I want him to live a long life with me. I love my husband. But this had to be done, for me and for us.

When we conceive I don't want our baby to die. There are babies dying of this disease and I don't want my baby dying either.

I'm not even a mom yet and I'm thinking like one.

Other's Say

I over heard conversation my grandfather had with his gf, while watching the George Floyd's justice Trial they are speaking about the word "Black people", and shit. I mean come on you claim you aren't racist but the that word is racist. My husband is Afro-Caribbean and you are speaking about not being racist.

He is a very hard worker, and had a worse life with his parents and you are telling me it has to deal with how you are raised?

What the fuck...

I wanna kick his ass for what he said but there is nothing I can do about people like that. So, I just wanted away.. Why would anyone say shit they don't know anything about. I will never understand anything.

Which is worse racism, or labels? Fuck I think racism is worse because hate runs so deep in people.

I can't believe people are can hate this way. How do they live with themselves with such ignorance? Whatever.

I'm just glad that I am nothing like that.

When I look deep within myself the high capacity to love I wonder where the hell did I come from? Was I adopted? because no one in this family can love, they can only hate.

Suppose that hate, and love go hand and hand.

Great Opportunities, Same Old Family

I had a conversation today showing yet again my great news of my passport book. The old man calls my dreams pip dreams pretty much and says I'm going down the same path I went down eight years ago. I got angry thinking oh yeah the whole having a mental breakdown when I'm not. My biggest mistake was telling him dreams. I'm ashamed to know someone like that. Who would put someone down let alone compare me to the former president. No one is going to stop me from accomplishing my goals.

He wants me to be miss Pollyanna listen, stay, and go and come when I please. I told him if I could come when I pleased I wouldn't have to be back at a certain time or report. Or do stuff I didn't want to do.

I don't know why I put myself through this. I am so angry he tried ruining mood.

This is the first time I felt happy really smiled. Other then when I'm with Shane. When I'm here I'm unhappy, feeling oppressed, and nothing helped me.

I swear if it wasn't an epidemic I wouldn't even be in this house. I would leave with my passport book, birth certificate, and duffel bag and never look back.

I'm glad I have a choice now. I should have done this years ago.

The best news I ever got

Oh god this is the best friend I ever got. When I accomplished getting my first passport book. It feels so good because I've wanted to travel for so long. The first place I'm going to is my man in Saint Lucia. I always wanted to see beautiful blue water. So blue that you can see the rocks under the ocean. I never saw an ocean hell I never been out of Ohio unless you count West Virginia, and Philly. I feel a tightness in my stomach the excitement I've never felt in a long time. The sense of not knowing what's going to happen. I have been loving the whole not know what's going to happen thing.

I can't wait to be in Saint Lucia to actually walk away from where I don't want to be. . I've never been so happy this nightmare that is my current reality. I'm so nervous about getting married because I've never been a wife before.

Disgusted with toxic People

I always ask myself every day why do listen to this person? Why do I settle for less? What is wrong with me? No matter how you put it toxic people always find a way to get in our heads. Listen to these questions long enough you soon believe them.

Ever hear the words, you'll never amount to anything or you are disabled you can't hold a job. I used to hear these words several times a day as a kid way into adulthood.

I learned everything on my own as far as taking care of myself.

I never knew what it was like to be loved by parents, or relatives it felt like.

But then he came into my life everything changed when my friends tell me I have amounted to something. Because I made it happen. Does it matter how people treat you? Of course it does. But nothing can change someone unless they so wish it. But instead there is no redemption for anyone who abuses you.

Unfathomable

Nothing like becoming called, you're fucking crazy for wanting to stand on your own two feet by your grandfather's girlfriend and your future step-grandma.

I am finally starting out making some money as an author/blogger. My biggest mistake is telling my grandfather and his gf. They knew that this is what I wanted. Yet she says behind my back, I'm fucking crazy. (now I could have misdirected what she said. But when she said I am killing myself. The way she said it terrified me. I said it isn't like I am hanging myself.)

Just because I want to stand on my two feet, that makes me crazy? I was both pissed and mortified.

I guess all that matters to me is if Mommow was still alive she would be proud of me. I'm proud of myself, and especially applying for my passport. Something I couldn't do before. I just didn't have it in me. I never knew what it was like until now.

All Mommow ever did was fight for me encourage me to know that I can do anything I set my mind too. And by the old man acting like he is just sitting like there is audience watching this emotional fight. I know Mommow would be angry. Everything she fought for me everything she taught me felt like it was going down the drain cause of this woman.

It was the hardest thing for me to see. I couldn't believe what she said. Guess you never really know someone.

Feelings

I feel like I am getting better on putting on a show. Since yesterday I have been a complete mess. I cried all day. Then the trigger happened not even five minutes ago when the old man's gf asks me if anything can be done about my left eye. She didn't say there was nothing wrong me. I feel like everyone trying to fix me like I'm broken. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I feel invisible then the one thing helped just a bit I sang my heart out. I haven't sung like that in years. I wrote a song called Painful Balance well wrote lyrics:

I used to think my pain was normal

The bitter disappointment, unnecessary pressure ooooh yeah!

Painful balance holding me up, no one notices

The bitterness of disappointment always there

I don’t have to be pressured by myself for success, bitterness does it for me.

I want you forever near me hold me in yours arms where I feel safe

Ooooo!

Afraid of happiness, forever in darkness

Then you let me in the darkness forever gone and the bright light of joy has come.

I used to think my pain was normal, I should have never adjusted to that fate, but walk into the light.

The Wind

I feel as though the window has been knocked out of me, my heart is breaking this feeling of betrayal, and hurt felt a huge crater in my heart. At least the cards were right the ultimate betrayal would happen and I would be in the darkest place for me yet. I could really use a hero right now.

Worst Day

Today was the worst day, I'm still reeling from what my eye doctor said. My left eye has had some trauma in that will never heal. It was so hard to do with. To boot I was debating about getting glasses but what am I thinking really there is no use in getting them. Especially with my trip coming up. So I took a copy of my prescription and my records as well.

I just don't wanna fail for the promise that made to my man I promised that I wouldn't hurt him, or disappoint him on his birthday. He always has sucky birthdays, I do too. But I guess in a way I feel like I am making it up to him for everything that I missed out on when we were separated. Like he did for my thirty first birthday.

Deep down the unnecessary pressure a lot of times, the pressure is hard to explain. Why is it that everything that I have worked hard for slowly happening, I don't have to put pressure on myself anymore, I have others doing it for me.

Started out great I finally got my job back as a content writer for iWriter. Then after learning that truth today I've never been the same since.

My caseworker says to me, who is your weakness I searched deep down I said my Mom. How do you explain that? How does anyone? But my mom is my weakness because any time something great happens I would run to her she always would tell me I don't deserve it, I don't deserve nothing. That's how it felt deep down.

When she said your dad would have said sorry. You know he wouldn't have meant what he did. I wanted to scream at her saying sorry don't help it. The damage is done and it can't be corrected. Nothing will ever change what happened.

Then why is it that my anger is so intense right now? When I told the old man what happened it hurt worse then what my mother said. He said it's out of your hands, nothing you can do about it, just move on. It maybe true, but it hurt more then anything. I shouldn't be hurt, but I guess that's the thing about feelings they come and go. I just don't know how I can get over this.

Shutting Down Emotions

I have waited so long for tomorrow to happen to finally get my passport to this hell hole. To put my tears, my emotional trauma, and triggers for these negative members in this house at bay. I accepted the opportunity to have it all.

Two people who used to be close to me tried talking me out of things that would improve my life. Because let's just faced it they don't believe in me. They never will.

Tomorrow I will be applying for my passport, and I am so nervous because I am not sure of what to expect. I'm so used to everything going wrong. For the first time nothing is, everything I want is finally happening.

I am nervous.. I've always been rejected with love, with everything. But it wasn't others rejecting me, I was rejecting myself.

But finally, it's happening everything that I've worked so hard for is fianlly coming true.

Being Told

A lot of people are telling me I should read the Outlander book series. I tried four times they bore me even the audiobooks bore me as well. The kind of genre I love to read is paranormal romance adult or YA. I don't like being told what to read.

So what I love the TV adaption of Outlander, so what? It doesn't make me less or a fan. Without a book series there is no TV adaption. Some people are idiots sometime. But everyone is a critic so I respect everyone's opinion. Like that whole saying goes opinions are like assholes everyone has one.

Respect to those who suggest to me read Outlander. But it's my choice what I read.

I am very proud of DG (Diana Gabaldon) for writing I mean keep writing. This is 100% opinion so people don't take offense to this.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

So Random!