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To Break Free

Chapter Three Summary:

After Joel's barbecue, you wake up disoriented and alone, haunted by a night full of painful memories. However, after your handsome neighbour surprises you with breakfast, your day seems off to be off to a great start. Meanwhile Joel is trying his best so that he can be the man he knows you deserve. Nevertheless, with both of you running from the past, will you be able to stand together in the present?

Warnings: NoOutbreak!Joel Miller/Reader, Sarah and Ellie as Siblings, Neighbour!Joel, Angst, Fluff, Romance, Pining, Soft!Joel, Lowkey Traumatized!Joel & Reader, Mentions of Past Abuse/Shitty Relationships, Comfort, Non Penetrative Smutty Things, Fem!Reader/Joel.

A/N:

Hey y'all, welcome back. Sorry this took so long, I have depression lol and I've been working on my thesis. Word of the wise; don't live in places where its -40c in the winter if you get sad sometimes.

Aaanwaaays, this chapter starts off the morning after the barbecue and we get to see more alone time between the two. Warning that they go into their pasts a bit and there is definitly some talks of emotional abuse, abandonment, allusions to substance abuse (past), so be wary of that. Additionally, I added a touch of smut near the end. This week is really about laying the ground work for future chapters so get ready. I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, thanks for reading <3

Chapter 3/10

Chapter 3: Begin Again

An endless stream of dreams had taken hold of you after Joel’s barbecue. Memories of the past blurred together with the present, fears and hopes mingling until you weren’t sure what was real and what was your own traitorous mind. No matter how violently you thrashed against the sheets, trying desperately to force yourself awake, you remained locked inside of yourself. It was torment but just as you started to wonder if you would be forever lost in a sea of unsettling, agonizing recollections, the sound of someone pounding at the front door had torn you from sleep.

With a drawn out groan, you lifted your head, eyes burning as you tried to figure out who the hell would be beating the door down on a Sunday morning. With your head pounding along with the heavy raps on the wood, you buried your face in the pillow and sighed. If you ignored them for long enough, maybe the mystery guest would go away. However, just as you thought that you might be in the clear, another flurry of fists slamming against the door put any hopes of going back to sleep to rest.

“Fuck’s sake,” you grumbled, ready to tear the face off of whoever was making you stumble out of bed before ten a.m. on one of your only days off.

After the surprise phone call from your shitty ex the previous night, it wasn’t surprising that your disastrous marriage had been the thing to haunt you for hours on end. Every dream had served as yet another reminder of the emotional torture that had been inflicted upon you, along with how stupid you had been to stay with him for so long. Peter’s words had been like knives, slicing into your most vulnerable parts until you agreed to bend to his will, except this time was different. His cruelty would have been just as excruciating and embarrassing as it had been the first time, had it not been for the calming presence that had followed you through each recollection.

The first memory had been from near the beginning of your marriage, when Peter had publicly berated you in the corner of some needlessly extravagant social event. It was one of the first times he had let the mask drop, spewing venom through his lips because you chose to wear a dress that he didn’t like. Nevertheless, just as you were about to dissolve into a puddle of tears, a flash of a familiar green flannel had caught your eye. When you saw him, a wave of peace had washed over you, injecting oxytocin straight into your brain until your mind was thick with it. He didn’t even need to be beside you, just knowing that he was somewhere in the stuffy room had been enough to block your ex husband out.

Those expressive brown eyes, so warm yet so vigilant in the face of danger, had studied you from across the room, reminding you that you were safe. The shackles of the past loosened as you stared back at him, allowing you to take a step away from the belligerent man who continued to scald you with his words. It was like Peter no longer existed, all that mattered was reaching the handsome man that sat at the bar waiting for you. But just as you were about to reach him, the room started to shift and you were sucked into another memory.

The next one was even worse. No matter how hard you tried to stop yourself from remembering, you were suddenly back in your old apartment on that wretched day of reckoning. With every step forward you tried to dig your heels into the floor, screaming internally as you were dragged towards the ultimate embarrassment. You remembered being excited that day, stupidly optimistic when you noticed that your husband was home before 11 p.m. for once. Nonetheless, any hopefulness had been dashed when you were confronted with the sight of him, naked and writhing on top of another woman in the bed you shared.

Horrified, you stumbled backwards just like you had that day, tears running down your face as your shoulder blades knocked into the picture frame behind you. The picture had shattered against the floor, the glass scattering across the wood as you began to hyperventilate. The only difference was that this time, a big bear paw of a hand had wrapped itself around your own, silently reminding you that he was there, that you weren’t alone anymore.

Although he never spoke in any of the memories that followed, Joel had remained a steady presence throughout all of them. Whether it be the brush of a hand, or just his knowing gaze, he had chased you through even the most torturous moments of your life. And you had chased him back, desperately looking for him no matter which disaster was unfolding. It was the most infuriating game of cat and mouse that you had ever played. All you wanted was to finally catch up to him, to wrap your arms around him and hear that southern drawl comforting you but alas, some asshole had to end the chase by slamming their fists into your door at the asscrack of dawn.

As you reached the stairs, you looked down at your rumpled attire, letting out a small chuckle as you realized that you had forgotten to change. The clothes Joel had let you borrow still hugged your frame and with his heady scent clinging to the fabric, it was no wonder he had leaked into your dreams. Wearing his clothes was like a warm hug, a strong number two for the man himself, ensuring that you would stay asleep even if the nightmares came knocking.

Even in your dreams Joel had been standing watch, acting as a silent guard dog to all the things you hoped to never remember. There was a comfort in that, in knowing that your brain would create a Joel Miller in lieu of his absence. Nevertheless, despite how comforted you were by thoughts of your handsome neighbour, someone was still banging down your door. And maybe if your home wasn’t already a million degrees, or if you had gotten a decent sleep, you could have let it slide but instead, another round of frustratingly loud bangs forced you to pick up the pace.

“I’m coming! Jesus fucking Christ, would you chill out?!,” you shouted, growing more impatient by the second.

With smoke pouring from your ears, you nearly tore the door off its hinges when you finally reached it. You took one step out onto the porch, ready to tear whoever dragged you out of bed a new one, only to be met with a wall of muscle that nearly knocked you off balance. As you looked up at the early morning visitor, all of the pent up rage dissolved, a high pitched squeak leaving you as the man who had chased you all throughout the night suddenly towered over you.

Joel Miller was leaned up against your doorframe, one arm pressed against the wood by your head while the other was weighed down with a hefty looking tote. His hulking frame loomed over you, making you so flustered that you almost fell flat on your ass. A tool belt was wrapped around his waist, tugging on his pants and teasing you with just a hint of his boxers. The slightly beat up pair of carpenter pants he wore hugged his strong thighs perfectly, fitting him so well that you had to look away before you reached out and tried to yank them off.

Your eyes dragged up the length of Joel’s body, noticing just how good the simple t-shirt looked clinging to his muscles. There was a slight softness to his belly that pressed against the fabric and you longed to bend down to nibble at it. You sighed, he looked absolutely delicious. There was only one thing that was bothering you. All of his curls had been tucked away, cruelly hidden underneath a beat up baseball cap that advertised his business. Would Joel be angry if you petulantly knocked it off of his head? You weren’t sure, but the rewards seemed to greatly outweigh the risk. Nevertheless, you restrained yourself, trying to satiate your ridiculous wants by staring into his warm and welcoming eyes.

“Hi,” you said softly, shifting nervously as he smiled down at you.

“Morning darling,” Joel answered, the term of endearment rolling off of his tongue like he had been saying it for years, “Or should I say, good afternoon.”

“What?,” you squeaked, whirling around to look at the time.

There was a wooden clock that hung in your living room. It was one of the only relics of the elderly woman that had previously lived there and you refused to give up. It had been hand carved by someone, the glossy wood detailed with flowers and leaves, but the best part was the little red robin that came out to chirp every time it struck twelve. Most times, you were already well into your day when the bird made an appearance, fresh faced and ready to take on the world. However that day, with only ten minutes until noon, that would not be the case. You sighed, realizing that your usual Sunday routine was ruined.

Usually, you started off with a nice breakfast before driving to the farmer’s market to get some fresh veggies and fruits. But with the sun already high in the sky and only an hour left until the stalls closed, all of the best picks would be sold. You sighed, cursing your past self for being too frazzled by the men in your life to set an alarm. With how late it was, you would have to brave the overwhelmingly loud and frequently disappointing aisles at the local grocery store.

“Shit, I didn’t even realize,” you swore, running your hands through the bird’s nest on top of your head in frustration.

“Really? Ya don’t say,” Joel shot back, the sarcasm dripping from his tone as he stepped forward and asked, “You gonna let me in? Or am I just gonna stand out here all day?”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. Come on in Joel,” you apologized, quickly ushering him in like there was something biting at his heels, “Dammit, I swear that I’m not usually in bed so late. I don’t know what happened, I’m usually up before ten. You weren’t waiting long, were you?”

“Not long, no,” he said calmly.

Joel’s eyes swept over you as he stepped further into your home, zeroing in on every inch of your rumpled state until you began to tremble. The trembling was not fear but from something else, something that felt like a lightning bolt had slammed into your chest and burrowed itself deep inside of your ribcage. Which he noticed, of course he noticed, a proud grin spreading across his face as desire curved around your spine. He didn’t linger long, only granting himself one last once over that made your knees shake before he finally looked away.

“Don’t be apologizin’ for sleeping in when it was me that kept ya up last night. I know that I probably should have waited a bit, but I wanted to see ya. Plus, with how fucking hot it is, I figured you’d be baking in here if I didn’t come soon,” he joked as he strolled away.

Joel slipped into your living room, entering your space like it was his own. Meanwhile, you were channeling all of your energy into staying calm. He wanted to see you, after spending the whole of yesterday afternoon and well into the night in your presence, he wanted even more time with you. It felt too good to be true.

Trying to focus on breathing, you quietly followed Joel and perched on the arm on the couch, eyeing him as he circled the AC like it was his prey. He was undaunted by the task as he crouched down to get a better look at the hunk of metal, even making a joke about the slight damage you had done to it when you had angrily ripped it out of the window. You kept waiting for him to snap at you, or exact a price for his services, but neither of those things came to pass. Instead he got down to work, ignoring your anxious hovering as he cracked the air conditioner open and examined the inside of it.

Never in your life had you been in such a nerve racking position. Most of your relationships with partners, friends, or even family, had been largely transactional. People always wanted pieces of you, whether it be body, mind, or the victory of gaining your subservience. Nobody ever wanted you as a whole, nor did they ever care enough to give you anything in return other than heartache. After years of being torn to pieces your understanding of love had been twisted, your sense of self had been warped, and the ability to have someone else take care of you had all but vanished.

Nevertheless, with Joel in your life, it was becoming increasingly clear that you were going to have to learn how to get over it. Logically, you knew that there was nothing wrong with accepting help, especially when it was him that demanded that he be the one to fix it, but the demons in your head would not let it go. How could you let this man, a man who was likely already bogged down with the stress of being a single father and owning his own business, fix your things without giving him something in return? With only a few hundred dollars in your bank account, which you knew that he would never accept, there was only one thing that you could possibly offer him.

“Have you had breakfast yet? Or um, I could make you lunch?,” you piped up, already hurrying over to the kitchen so that you could comb through the fridge, “I don’t have much right now, but I’m sure there’s something in here I could make for you!”

Of all the times for Joel to come over, he just had to choose grocery day. Much to your dismay, the inside of your fridge was absolutely baren. There was nothing but a half tub of butter, a questionable looking bag of baby carrots, a few stray beers, and all of the condiments that a girl could ask for. Even the pantry was stark, though that was mostly due to the two teens that regularly raided it for snacks. They had emptied it during the midweek gossip session, chowing down on all of your chips and sweets as they updated you on all of the highschool drama that you had become hopelessly invested in.

When faced with an overwhelmingly bleak selection, you usually would have said fuck it and pulled out the take out menu, ordering a feast that you could inhale while you cozied up on the couch. But with Joel in your space, selflessly helping you out of the kindness of his own heart, that felt wrong. He had told you that he was coming over the previous night and yet, you had stupidly forgotten. For some reason not being prepared for his visit felt like some sort of crime, like you had needlessly disappointed him and soon your heart began to pound as you waited for a punishment that would never come.

“Fuck, okay so I can’t do breakfast unless you want um…,” you paused, looking over your scant options, “Some possibly rotten carrots washed down with a beer or uh… I have a can of soup but shit, I don’t know if that’s a good idea with how hot it is. Hold on, let me think.”

Joel laughed, a full belly laugh that lit up his face as he pivoted towards you from where he was crouched. His eyes swept over your figure and he shook his head, still chuckling to himself as he set his screwdriver down and stood up from the floor.

“Darling, I don’t need -”

“Or coffee? There might be some instant coffee somewhere. I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t have a machine because I always fuck it up but instant isn’t that bad. I mean hey, it’s still caffeine right?,” you rushed out.

The heat of the day was working against you, mixing with your worsening nerves to leave a heavy layer of sweat over your skin. It didn’t help that Joel’s eyes were on you, the amused look on his face making you even more anxious as he grabbed the tote bag near his feet and drifted over to the kitchen. Fearing a scolding, you hurried over to the cabinets and got up on your tiptoes, reaching for one of the mugs until a hand caught your wrist mid air.

“Oh,” you gasped, his touch sending sparks up your arm that radiated throughout your entire body.

Joel lowered your hand back down to your side without saying a word, keeping his eyes locked on yours as he reached over your head to close the cupboard. He didn’t say anything but he didn’t need to. Just like in your dreams, his eyes and his presence said it all. I’m here, he said wordlessly, just breathe. And so you did, slowly matching your breaths with his until you came back to yourself. He nodded once you finally calmed, the tension in his own shoulders releasing like your panic had been hurting him just as badly.

“Good girl,” Joel said under his breath, so quietly that you almost missed it.

Good girl, good girl, good girl, ran through your mind over and over again. His words pinged off all of the pleasure points in your brain, scorching every inch of your being. Your imagination ran wild, thoughts of Joel hissing those two words through his teeth as he pounded you into the mattress making you squirm before him. Was he thinking about it too? Was that why he looked like he was in pain, a small crease formed between his brows like it was physically hurting him not to reach out and touch? Did he mean to make you shake and shiver before him? You didn’t know, all you knew for sure was that those two simple words were enough to fill you with hope, as well as a burning desire.

“Let’s try that again darling,” Joel said, giving you a kind smile as he thrusted his bag out towards you.

Blinking between him and the tote that advertised the local highschool, you cocked an eyebrow, not moving to grab it until he gave you an explanation. A wary look was all you offered him, unsure of what sort of trick was going to be played on you if you took it.

“It’s just a coffee and some leftovers from breakfast. Nothing special, but I figured you might be hungry. You don’t have to take it though if you don’t want t-”

Before Joel had even finished that statement, you snatched the bag away from him and began to dig through it, smiling wide as you unearthed a treasure trove that released a swarm of butterflies inside of your gut. There was a container loaded up with blueberry pancakes and syrup, the glass still warm from the stove, along with another container filled with golden hash browns. But it was the thermos filled with your go-to caffeine and sugar fix that excited you the most.

“You got my coffee order?! Joel! That’s - oh my god - that’s halfway across town! Why the hell would you do that?!,” you admonished, tearing the cover off so you could slurp down half of it in one go despite your protests.

He shook his head, “S’not a big deal, I was already in the area.”

Even to you, that sounded like a load of bullshit, but the fact that he refused to meet your eye confirmed it.

“Oh really? Doing what?,” you cackled as you popped one of the containers open so that you could dig in.

Joel hesitated for a second, squinting hard as he tried to come up with an excuse to discredit himself. The more time you spent with him, the more you realized that he had a habit of doing that. The barbecue had been the first time you noticed it. Anytime someone praised him for the delicious food, or for his hospitality, he waved them off and changed the subject as quickly as he could. It was as if he truly believed that his thoughtfulness was nothing, that it was basic human nature rather than a gift that most men were in grave need of.

“Uh, I was… Getting some tools at the hardware store?,” he tried.

“You’re telling me that Joel Miller, the owner of Miller Contracting, did not already own a screwdriver? Seriously?,” you teased, voice muffled around a mouthful of delicious food.

He blushed, the redness on the high points of his cheekbones spreading down to his neck and up to the tips of his ears.

“Well, I -,” he faltered, groaning as he realized how terrible the lie was, “Fuck’s sake, would you just shut up and enjoy the damn breakfast?”

As Joel turned on his heel, retreating back towards the AC to escape your taunting, you couldn’t help but laugh at him. He was sweet. Too sweet for his own good, you thought as you watched him return to the task at hand. If he was this way with all of his neighbours, you couldn’t imagine how the man got anything done but based on the way he glanced over every so often as you devoured the food, you had a feeling this was not a regular occurrence.

Joel worked methodically, taking the entire machine apart so that he could pinpoint the issue and fix it before he put it back together again. You studied him with rapt attention, eyes following the way his strong muscles flexed as he untightened and tightened the bolts. Although it had taken you nearly two hours of tinkering to deem the machine unfixable, it took only ten minutes for him to find and address the issue. When Joel was done, you watched as a bead of sweat traveled down from his hairline, dampening the collar of his shirt as he easily lifted the AC from the ground and carried it back to the window like it was nothing. It had taken you three tries to tear that thing out and bring it to the ground without dropping it, but he was completely unaffected by the weight, a fact that you tried hard not to dwell on in his presence. That was a thought for later, for when you were alone and desperate in the dead of night.

“Okay, let’s see if she works,” Joel sighed as he flipped the switch.

A heavy groan came from the ancient hunk of metal as it sputtered to life, like it was angry with Joel for forcing it back into the world of the living, but cool air soon began to flow freely into your home. You cheered, hurrying over so that you could bask in the icy breeze as it poured into the space. All of the sweat that dampened your face began to dry as the air washed over you and you couldn’t help the slightly embarrassing noise that slipped past your lips.

“God, that’s feels so fucking good. Thank you, I don’t know how I would have survived these next few days without you,” you laughed and shook your head, “To be honest, I was debating on sleeping at the library until the repairman could come in. You really saved my ass Joel.”

“The library?,” Joel squawked, as if it was the craziest thing in the entire universe.

You shrugged. It wasn’t that insane, especially when you didn’t have the funds to pay for something more comfortable at one of the local hotels. Hell, you barely had the money for the repair guy but after only a few hours without air conditioning, it had become clear that raw dogging the heat of a Texan summer was simply out of the question.

“I mean, yeah? It’s not like I would be sleeping on the floor, my office has a couch. Beggars can’t be choosers and plus, the basement it’s in is fucking freezing. That sounds way better than sleeping in Satan’s asscrack all week,” you joked.

Joel pursed his lips, staring down at you with an intensity that threw you off guard. You cocked your head at him, watching as he weighed his words carefully, looking incredibly disgruntled as he tried to find a way to argue with your logic.

“If this happens again, you’re gonna come to me. Hell, if anything breaks, you’re gonna come to me. Not some shitty repair guy, not Joe-blow on the street, you come to me,” Joel said, his tone leaving no room for discussion.

Guilt hit you square in the chest, the thought of using him for his skill set almost too much to bear.

“But Joel, I -”

He held up his hand, “You come to me, especially if it’s gonna mess with your sleep. And if I can’t fix it that day, you’re gonna stay at my house. Don’t even try to argue with me, I don’t want to hear it. You’ll sleep in my bed and I’ll take the couch for the night. That’s all there is to it.”

Joel cocked his eyebrow at you, wordlessly challenging you to fight him on it but you were speechless. Every time you put up a pointless boundary with him, he had absolutely no issue tearing it down. The thought of running to him every single time something broke was ridiculous, especially since nearly everything you owned had been thrifted after your escape from Miami and your home was well over twenty years old. If he truly wanted to be your go to handyman, he was going to have his work cut out for him. Your gut reaction was to refuse him, to remind him that you were perfectly capable of fixing things and did not want to be a burden to his already overwhelmed schedule, but the words died on your lips.

As easy as it should be to ignore Joel’s command, something in his eyes broke through that last little bit of petty resistance you had been holding onto. Although Joel Miller was gentle, soft for you in all the right ways, that didn’t mean he was easy to bend. There was a part of him that was authoritative and exact, an undercurrent of dominance that quickened your pulse. That part of him likely scared others but not you. It drew you to him like a moth to a flame, turning your brain into mush whenever he utilized it.

“I-I um,” you stammered, your voice an octave too high before you cleared your throat, “Thank you Joel, I guess I have someone to call now if shit hits the fan.”

“Always sweetheart. Now,” he affirmed, easily brushing past the thanks like a man on a mission, “Are you finished with breakfast yet?”

“Yes, thank you. It was really good!,” you chirped, swiveling back towards the couch so you could gulp down the rest of your drink.

“Good, that’s real good honey,” he answered, a restlessness suddenly seeping into his tone.

The energy shifted, an awkwardness growing between the two of you. With the air conditioner fixed, there was no reason for Joel to stay but the last thing you wanted was to see him go so soon. It felt like he had just arrived. You sighed, if only you had woken up a bit earlier. Maybe then you could have thrown on something more flattering than a pair of men’s sweatpants and a baggy sweater. It would have been nice to be able to leave him with a more enticing memory.

“So, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe -”

“I don’t know if you’re busy today, but I was -”

The two of you stopped, eyes widening for a moment before you both erupted into a round of raucous laughter. The tension that was sizzling in the air popped, dissolving as the ridiculousness of the situation became painfully clear. Joel wanted to stay and you didn’t want him to go, meaning that there was no reason for either of you to be so worked up. He wasn’t going anywhere and you should have known that from the moment you saw the seven dollar coffee he had driven across town for, or the warm breakfast that just so happened to still be fresh hours after when he would have made it. And you? Well, there was nobody else you’d rather spend your last day off with.

“My bad darling, you go ahead,” Joel chuckled, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck when the laughter finally petered off.

“Um, I was gonna say that I have some things to do today but I was wondering if you’d want to tag along?,” you asked hopefully, fiddling with your fingers as you quickly added, “It’ll probably be pretty boring but I don’t know, I can be fun sometimes. No pressure though.”

“Yes,” Joel answered immediately, not even taking a second to think about it.

“Yes? Just like that?,” you balked, his eagerness making your head spin, “You don’t even know what my plans are. What if you just agreed to rob a bank with me? Or murder someone? I could be a criminal Joel.”

He rolled his eyes, “Well, then your plans wouldn’t be very boring would they?”

“Got me there Miller,” you giggled, unable to keep the goofy grin off of your face.

Joel smiled and looked down at his feet, boyishly scuffing the floors with his dusty boots but you didn’t mind. He could ruin every inch of your freshly scrubbed flooring for all you cared, just so long as you got to watch as he tried and failed not to blush under your scrutiny, getting more worked up the longer you shamelessly stared. Nonetheless, as much as you wanted to watch Joel squirm forever, there was work to be done before you went back to the library on Monday.

“Alright well, I need to go get ready so ah… Just make yourself at home I guess? I’m sure you already know where everything is from last time you were here, but feel free to snoop around if you can’t find something,” you teased, earning a small chuckle from him.

“Take your time baby, I don’t mind waiting,” he replied easily, dropping down onto the sofa with a small grunt.

There was that word again. Baby. It echoed in your mind, reverberating off the inside of your skull until you were close to screaming. Joel had no right to call you that. He had no right to tease out that part of you that longed for connection, that begged to be released again for the first time in years, but he had. He had and you wanted to hear him say it every single day, to lovingly whisper it in your ear on the sleepy mornings that you slept past the alarm, to murmur it against your lips in those stolen moments when he thought nobody was looking, to growl it angrily as he mercilessly pummeled your aching cunt into submission. You wanted it all.

“D’ya wanna take a picture or something?,” Joel drawled, his knowing smirk making you feel warm all over as he caught you red handed, “It’d probably last longer honey.”

“Sorry, I uh… I’ll go get dressed. You just…”

He cocked his head, “I just what?”

Should you say it? Definitely not, but you couldn’t stop the words from coming even if you tried.

“Nothing, it’s -,” you sighed, utterly frustrated at how useless your brain became around him, “It’s just your work clothes. They’re cute - You look very cute in them Joel, that’s all.”

Before Joel had the chance to respond, you spun on your heel and hastened towards the staircase. If you stayed in his presence any longer, you weren’t sure you’d be able to hold back. He was simply too breathtaking sunk into your couch, like he was meant to be there all along. You couldn’t help but picture him there on quiet mornings, lazily thumbing through the newspaper or one of the worn out westerns that you had spotted in his living room. You imagined creeping downstairs and watching him pause to take a sip of his coffee. Would Joel smile when he finally looked up? Or would he crack a joke, his eyes alight with playfulness as you skipped over and snuggled into his side?

“Fucking hell,” you mumbled, shaking your head as you dragged yourself back upstairs.

You needed to focus, to push away the immense longing that was clouding your judgment before you did something utterly embarrassing like slide into his lap and try to kiss him. There would be time for that someday, if you were lucky, but at that moment what you needed to do was pick something to wear that was more appealing than Joel’s rumpled clothes. With that harrowing task ahead, as well as a disaster on top of your head that only seemed to get angrier the more you poked at it, you put Joel Miller in a box, trying like hell not to think about the fact that he was waiting for you downstairs as you readied yourself for the day.

- Joel -

Joel wasn’t sure what he had done in a previous life to deserve his morning. First you had called him cute, despite the fact that his beaten up work clothes were likely trekking dirt all throughout your home and staining the couch. He was thankful that you hadn’t turned back after you said it, as you undoubtedly would have caught his slack jawed stare. But when you had come downstairs all dressed up, batting your pretty eyelashes at him as you asked, are you ready to go handsome? Well, he had nearly choked to death on his own spit.

How was Joel supposed to focus when you were dressed like that? He was too busy staring at the way your flowy little shorts brushed against the soft, supple skin of your thighs or how your breasts strained against the confines of your tank top. If so much as a breeze blew past, he knew that he’d catch a glimpse of the curve of your ass. And if you tried to grab something from the top shelf at the store? Joel would get a lot more than that, as your poor excuse for a shirt was testing his patience with each breath you took.

From the moment your feet had touched down on the first floor, you had rendered Joel’s vocal chords useless and with no possibility of communicating, he had no choice but to nod and gesture towards the door in hopes that you would understand. He sighed when you smiled at him and skipped towards the door without question, only to get an even more devastating look at your backside as you led the way. If Joel was a better man, a stronger man, he would have been a gentleman and looked away, but he wasn’t. Instead, he found himself subtly readjusting himself so that he didn’t have to waddle to the outside like an idiot, hoping like hell you didn’t notice.

“Alright so, I really need to get groceries so that I don’t starve this week aaaand I also have a book order to pick up. Which one do you wanna do first?,” you asked excitedly, practically bouncing down the steps of the porch.

He snorted, “Forgive me if I’m wrong sweetheart, but don’t you work at an honest to god library? What are you doing buying books? Can’t you get them for free?”

“Well yeah, but we don’t always carry the types of books I want to read. Sometimes I like to spice it up a bit ya know? Get something off the menu, if you know what I mean,” you said suggestively, nudging him in the ribs as you wiggled your eyebrows at him.

Joel had no idea what you meant, but he smiled and nodded nonetheless. He wasn’t much of a reader, with most of his experience being the legends of cowboys and news columns, but he admired the allegiance to your craft. How could a book be anything other than words on a paper? He wasn’t sure, but the teasing lilt to your tone made his heart start to thump hard against the walls of his chest anyways. The innuendo you were trying to make was clear but he couldn’t quite wrap his brain around it. It sounded like you were alluding to something sexier but no, there was no way. Smutty books were for bored housewives, not people like you… Right?

Joel’s palms began to sweat as he shoved that racy thought from his mind, heart pounding as he vehemently tried to remind himself that he wasn’t a complete idiot. That at several points in his life he actually had successfully charmed a member of the opposite sex before. Hell, he even had at least one kid that proved it. Nevertheless as Joel stumbled helplessly along, pulled by the invisible string tied around his heart, he was a hopeless mess. You were too beautiful, too smart, too funny, and all the other adjectives he couldn’t quite think of. However, when you suddenly turned away from him and pulled out your keys, he snapped out of it in an instant.

“What are you doing?,” he asked dumbly.

“Driving us to the grocery store? What are YOU doing?,” you shot back, lifting an eyebrow at the sight of him standing at your driver’s side with his own keys in hand.

Joel examined your vehicle, if you could even call it that, with a frown carving deep lines into his face. He wasn’t sure how the hell the thing had passed inspection, much less how you managed to get it to start up every morning without having it explode. And if that wasn’t enough to make him wary, he knew beyond a shadow of doubt that there was no way it had air conditioning. With how dangerous the thing looked and how hot the day was, he wasn’t about to let either of you cook for the sake of chivalry.

“Sweetheart, with all due respect, there ain’t no way I’m getting into that death trap with you,” Joel said, entirely serious despite your surprised laugh.

“What? Don’t be so dramatic Joel, she’s perfectly fine! A few coats of paint and an oil change, and she’d be good as new,” you assured him as you shoved the key into the door.

“An oil change?!,” he exclaimed, “How long has the light been on?”

You shrugged, “Since I got it about a month ago.”

A squawk fell from your lips as Joel tore the keys from your grasp, easily pocketing them before hurrying off towards his own vehicle.

“What the f - hey! Joel idon’tknowyourmiddlename Miller! Get your ass back here and give me my damn keys!,” you called out.

“Nope!,” Joel easily threw over his shoulder as he marched over to his truck, “I’ve got kids darling, can’t be getting blown to bits before they’re off to college!”

Joel walked straight to the passenger’s side, getting there just in time to unlock and open it for the disgruntled woman chasing him. For someone who spent most of their days helping members of the community, you had quite the colorful vocabulary when you were annoyed. He chewed the inside of his cheek as you rounded the corner, trying to keep his amusement at bay as you gave him the most adorable little frown he had ever seen in his life.

“Keys,” you ordered, holding a hand out to him impatiently.

“Get in the truck first,” Joel shot back, unwilling to back down so easily.

If Joel had it his way you’d never drive that death trap again, but it was much too early for him to be volunteering to be your dedicated taxi driver. He wasn’t a complete idiot, he knew that he needed to wait to spring something so bold on a woman that had clearly been burned before. But as you sighed and cocked your hip, not even trying to hide your annoyance from him, he was finding it hard to remember why he needed to tread so carefully.

“Right, let me guess, oh I’m Joel Miller. I’m a tough contractor and we’re all too manly to sit in a passenger seat from time to time, especially if it’s a lady driving us. Give me a fucking break,” you jabbed, laying on the poorest attempt at an accent that he had ever heard.

If it were anyone else, Joel probably would have pointed out that as Texan as he was, he wasn’t a caricature. But with you, he just found it endearing and barked a laugh.

“First of all, you need to work on the accent darling. I ain’t Colonel Sanders,” Joel pointed out.

You glared at him then, steadily losing patience for his antics the longer your keys remained in his pocket. Joel paled, a strike of fear hitting him as he realized you were being dead serious. Sensing the change in your demeanor, he cleared his throat and switched gears, trying to reverse the damage before he ruined the day with his poor attempt at being funny.

“Aw shit honey, you’ve got me all wrong.”

“Do I? Because it seems to me that you still have my keys,” you sassed.

“Here, take ‘em.”

The set of keys Joel shoved in your face made you falter. They were his, not yours, the faded pink and green braided keychain that Sarah had made him years ago making it painstakingly obvious. You didn’t know it, but it was a big deal for him to let you drive his truck, as not even Tommy had been granted that privilege. Joel wasn’t sure why but the thought of seeing you drive his truck made him tingle all over. He imagined you in his usual seat, gripping the worn steering wheel with your far more delicate fingers as you hummed along to the radio and chattered about everything under the sun. His heart stuttered as he thought of it, forcing him to take a deep breath so that he didn’t get too dizzy.

“What? Why?,” you gasped, eyeing the set of keys like they might bite you.

“You heard me baby, take ‘em if you want to drive so damn bad. I just don’t feel like dying a fiery death today because you didn’t think to get an oil change. S’nothing personal,” he said with a shrug.

“Nothing personal, he says. Sure sounds pretty fucking personal, ” you bickered, snatching the keys from his hand so you could cross over to the driver’s side, “You’re lucky that you’re cute Miller, now get in the damn truck.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Joel slid into the seat beside you, happily allowing you to adjust the seat and fiddle with the mirrors a bit before you set off. It was weird being a passenger in his own vehicle but he had to admit, being free to stare at you unabashedly had its perks, like getting to pick up things he hadn’t before. As you drove, going over your game plan for the grocery store like it was some sort of high stakes mission, he noticed that you often took a hand off the wheel to gesture, providing a flourish to all of the points you wanted to emphasize.

Joel watched as you placed both of your hands back on the wheel when you were done speaking, drumming your fingers against cracked leather to the beat of the song that was playing. It was some upbeat hit, nothing that he would usually be caught dead playing in his truck but it didn’t matter. With you in the driver’s seat, Joel couldn’t hear anything. All he could focus on was you, simply existing in a space that he found himself in every single day.

“So, what do you think?,” you prompted, looking at him expectantly.

“What do I think about what?,” Joel sighed dreamily, wishing he could scooch a little closer and press himself against you like some sort of love sick puppy.

You rolled to a stop at a set of lights, turning in your seat to look him over with a furrowed brow.

“About where we go first; bookstore or groceries.”

“Oh, uh… It’s up to you darling, I’m just along for the ride,” he shrugged, relaxing back against his seat as the light turned green.

You sighed, “I guess groceries it is then. We’ll save the fun thing for last, that way it’s like a reward.”

Much to Joel’s embarrassment, the rest of the ride followed a similar trajectory. You would speak to him and he would try to follow along, but his nerves and giddiness would get in the way every single time. Everytime he looked at you, it was like his ears became filled with cotton, rendering him absolutely useless. When you finally turned into the parking lot, he sighed in relief, silently berating himself for being such a bumbling fool in your presence.

Joel wanted to be smooth, to sweet talk you until you were trembling for him as he had the previous day, but he couldn’t. Being alone with you was all encompassing, wiping his brain clean of any thoughts despite his attempts to remain somewhat cognitive. At that moment, with how flustered he was, it was beginning to feel like every bit of progress he had accomplished thus far had been nothing but dumb luck.

Realistically, Joel had never been known for being smooth but he was usually, at the very least, able to talk to women. He thumped his head against the headrest behind him, realizing just how doomed he was as he watched you fix your hair in the mirror. If a suave man was what you wanted, then he was the last person you should be spending your time with. Nonetheless, Joel still popped out of his seat as you cut the engine, desperate to redeem himself as he raced over to open the door for you. He knew that it was an old fashioned move, likely regarded as corny to some, but he liked the way you looked at him when he did it. Plus, being there to help you out meant that he got to hold your hand for a few precious seconds.

“Thank you,” you whispered, adorably flustered as he helped you down.

Joel beamed at you in return, smiling wide as you let his hand linger a bit longer than necessary before dropping it and heading towards the store. It would take some time for you to allow him to keep holding it, but that was okay. He’d wait forever if he had to.

“Okay so, we’ll do produce, bread aisle, eggs, protein, snacks, frozen stuff, and then we’re out. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy,” you sighed, the stress rolling off of you in waves.

Joel watched as you made yourself taller, straightening your spine fully as you walked through the doors with a hard look on your face. If he didn’t know any better, he’d assume you were walking into a prison with how serious you became. It was like you were trying to ward off any inmates before they tried to punk you for being a newbie.

“Is there a reason you’ve got us gearing up for a fight or do you usually prepare for battle every time you leave the house?,” Joel teased as he grabbed a cart and followed closely behind.

“This place is worse than a friggin’ battleground,” you huffed, picking up a bag of peppers to inspect them before you plopped them into the cart, “It’s just so loud in here and people are always shoving me. That’s why I like the market better, it’s lower stakes and a better crowd.”

Joel nodded, trying to think of the last time he had been there. He smiled when remembered it. An eight year old Ellie had begged him to take her and then subsequently dragged him around all the stalls to look at the local art. Everything the artists had talked to her about had been way over his head of course, but he thought it was nice that they took the time to recommend certain paints and canvases to an excited kid. The Miller crew’s trip to the market hadn’t lasted long, as Sarah had quickly gotten bored and started complaining about the heat, but he had enjoyed it until his children started hissing at each other like angry cats. With the bickering between sisters growing steadily in volume, the visit unfortunately had to be cut short before the two made a scene in front of the vendors.

“The market’s nice, I get why you’d rather go there. To be honest with you, I usually get mine delivered,” Joel sighed and shook his head,“There’s way too many familiar faces here and not enough space to run.”

“Sounds like a nightmare.”

It could be, though there were times that Joel loved it. There was something comforting about living your entire life in the same town. Every street, every family, every stream, every nook and cranny had been accounted for in his thirty four years of living in Austin. However, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t escape the people who had watched him grow into the man he was, the same people that undoubtedly remembered every part of his life that he’d rather forget. Sometimes he wanted to drown all of his former selves in a river, snuffing them out so that nobody could remember the things he had done, the things that had been done to him, and everything in between. But what good would that do? Austin was where he had laid down roots, it was where he had raised his kids. There was no leaving it now.

“Can be, but s’not too bad. Most of the looky-loos in this town are harmless, just old people and bored married couples looking to get their drama-fix. I don’t cause much trouble these days anyways so I’m usually left out of it, unless they’re feeling nostalgic,” Joel muttered.

“Wait a second, so does that mean you were the town’s resident bad boy back in the day?,” you gasped.

“Nah, that’s all Tommy. That boy’s got a record that’s probably got our mama spinning in her urn,” he chuckled and shook his head, “But me? Nah, I was just dumb sometimes. It was never anything too crazy.”

“Do I get to know any of the dumb things you did or are you going to make me ask one of the chatty old birds that come into the library?,” you asked playfully, nudging your way into his personal space to reach for a loaf of bread.

Joel swallowed hard as the curve of your ass brushed along his front, gritting his teeth as he felt it brush against his zipper. He prayed you wouldn’t feel him twitch against your backside as you bent over, especially with how thin your shorts were. His face burned as you turned around with an arm full of whole wheat, the knowing look on your face making him squirm. If only you knew just how starved for attention Joel was, or how many times in the last half hour he had thought about ripping those little shorts off and burying his face in between your plush thighs. Perhaps then you would know better than to toy with him in such a public setting.

“Jesus,” Joel whispered, carefully readjusting himself while you turned to throw the bread into the cart.

“Well?”

“Oh, uh…”

“The stupid things you did?,” you graciously reminded him.

Joel cleared his throat, racking his brain for something outrageous enough to quench your curiosity without opening a can of worms. The last thing he needed was to have you go digging through his past before you knew him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Oh, I don’t know darling. Let’s see… Well, there was this one time during my senior year that I streaked a football game for a case of bud light.”

You cackled, “Bud light? Of all the beers, you risk a criminal record for that one? Bleh.”

“Tell me about it,” Joel chuckled, remembering how unsatisfying the room temperature beer had been after the long term grounding his mom had greeted him with when he got home that night.

“I never pegged you for a nudist,” you teased.

He guffawed, “Nudist? I just didn’t have a fake ID yet and Tommy wouldn’t share his.”

“Whatever you say Miller” you giggled, “Any other petty crimes you’d like to admit to?”

“One time I stole the principal's keys and filled his car with cow shit because he wouldn’t let me go to swim meets until I got my grades up,” Joel admitted, wincing as he added, “Thing is, he had already suspended Tommy earlier that day for smoking in the bathroom so uh…”

“They blamed him?!,” you nearly bellowed.

“Quiet down! Yeah, they blamed him,” he groaned, rolling his eyes as you exploded into a fit of giggles, “But don’t you go telling him that sweetheart, that is top secret information. He still hasn’t put it together and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“Shit, that’s good,” you panted, clutching your chest as you tried to catch your breath, “Oh my god Joel, that’s hilarious but don’t worry, I won’t tell him. Your secret is safe with me… I mean, unless you start pissing me off.”

“Haha, very funny,” Joel said, rolling his eyes at your teasing.

He watched as you struggled to hide a smile, shifting through one of the freezers for a ridiculous amount of snacks.

“What about you? Were you the rebel or the prom queen?,” Joel asked, trying to imagine a younger, more awkward version of you.

“More like the resident dork,” you said as you slammed yet another load of sugary treats and frozen pizzas into the cart, “It was just me and the other weird kids hanging out in the English teacher’s class during lunch so we could stay out of the way. No crazy stories there I’m afraid. ”

He winced, “Jesus, m’sorry honey. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Meh, it wasn’t too bad. I spent most of my time reading with them during lunch or smoking in the woods behind the school. I had good grades so I was pretty much just waiting out the clock until I could graduate and haul ass to university,” you sighed.

“Well, did you at least get to have a little fun there?,” Joel tried, already regretting his question when you scowled at the bag of fries you were holding.

“Nah, my teens and twenties were both write-offs but that’s fine. Happens to the best of us,” you shrugged, “I’d say my thirties will be better but with how they started, I’m probably shit out of luck on that one. Fuck it, my forties will be my time to shine.”

The back of Joel’s throat burned at that, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach as he imagined you in the worst conditions possible. He hadn't pushed you to divulge anything about your past, not wanting to make you uncomfortable, but being left in the dark was starting to drive him insane. All he knew was what he could see: that you were incredibly jumpy, almost like you were terrified to disappoint him for some reason, and that you consistently prioritized the comfort of others over your own. Joel wasn’t the most perceptive man by any means, but he was more than capable of connecting the dots on that one.

“Forties it is then,” he confirmed, unsure of what else there was for him to say.

You grinned at him, “Promise?”

“Sweetheart, I’ll add on a lifetime if ya let me.”

A pleased noise came from you, the sound of it forcing all of the air from his lungs once again. Joel watched as you tried to compose yourself, practically glowing from the small comment he had made. His heart rate sped up, the heavy thuds shaking his entire being as the words sunk in for him as well. Why did he say that? He had meant it completely, but was it too soon? An excitable hum started beneath his skin, drawing life back into his body as he let himself dream of a future that seemed to be within his grasp for once in his life.

“You’re fucking nuts,” you breathed out, not even trying to hide the way you stared at his lips.

Joel clenched his fists, digging the blunt edges of his fingernails into his palms to keep from closing the distance. It would be so easy to melt into you, to allow himself to indulge in the sweet treat that was being waved in front of his face, but he couldn’t. He wanted the first time he kissed you to be monumental, for it to be something that would sweep you off your feet like you deserved. It could be nothing short of perfection. Which was why when you stepped closer, he looked away, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he tried to think of anything to say that would break the tension.

“Uh,” he started, finding his distraction in the goods you had piled into the cart, “You’re calling me crazy? I’m not the woman who's buying damn near ten boxes of frozen pizza and about a gallon of rocky road. Are you going into hibernation or something?”

“Excuse me, it’s not my fault that your offspring are like black holes. Hell, I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t give them food they’d start chewing on my damn walls. What are you feeding them over there anyways? Air?,” you shot back, a ghost of a smile playing on your lips.

Joel blinked, completely taken aback by your teasing. He knew that sometimes the girls went over for movie nights, which he assumed involved maybe a couple bags of popcorn, and perhaps even a few cans of soda to wash it down - nothing too crazy. He had no idea that you had been actually feeding his kids when he wasn’t around, even buying groceries for when they inevitably came waltzing into your home unannounced. All of the neurons in his brain clashed together as he let that soak in, an instinctual response brewing from somewhere deep inside of him.

“I-I had no idea. Fuck, how long have you been doing that?,” Joel stammered, although he was unsure what a straight answer might do to his poor heart.

“Hmmm, well they came over my first week in town and said they were starving. What was I supposed to do? Not feed them? That’s crazy! Plus,” you added with a shrug, “What can I say? It gets lonely eating dinner by yourself all the time and since you were at work, I figured it would be fine if I fed them. But uh, I can stop if you want.”

Joel’s brain short circuited, making him halt in place in the middle of the aisle. You had fed his girls in the times that he couldn’t, nourishing them as if they were an extension of yourself. Without even being asked to, you had helped his family. He swallowed hard, chest tight as the thought of you with his daughters blurred the edges of his mind, and he found himself barrelling towards you in an instant.

Without thinking about it, Joel threw his arms around you, placing his chin on top of your head so that he could give you a firm squeeze. At first you did nothing except let out a small yelp, going still for a few moments before you slowly started to hug him back. It didn’t matter to him that the two of you were in the middle of the frozen foods section, or that the nosy shoppers stared as they passed by, what mattered was the soft noise you made when he nuzzled top of your head, and the way your hands soon gripped the back of his shirt like you were afraid that he might let go.

“I don’t even know what to say sweetheart. That means the world to me,” he whispered into your hair, pressing a small peck on the side of your head before he pulled back to look at you, “Really, you have no idea.”

“I-I um, it’s nothing Joel. They’re good kids, the best really, and I’d be pretty lonely without them. You shouldn’t even be thanking me, they were the ones doing me a favour by giving me a bit of human contact outside of work,” you answered shakily.

“Sure,” Joel drawled, allowing you space to breathe as your knees started to shake under the heavy weight of his stare, “But thank ya anyways honey, I mean it.”

You shook your head once, turning back towards the task at hand and Joel let you. He was walking on cloud nine, actually allowing his mind to go down that dangerous path filled with hopes and dreams. In that moment Joel decided that no matter what, he was all in. It was insane, committing himself to someone that he barely knew, but he didn’t give two shits. From the moment you stepped out of that bathroom and dropped your towel in front of him, you had wrapped around his heart like a vice, strangling it with every torturous beat. He needed to be yours, which was why he needed to ask before he exploded.

“Are you doing anything later? I was wonderin’ if ya maybe wanted to -”

“Joel? Joel Miller?,” came from behind him, the familiar voice making his face fall.

The world caved in on him in an instant, the walls growing and shrinking as Joel willed himself to turn around. He sighed, of course she would be at the grocery store. It was a Sunday, half the city was probably out and about before their weekends came to a close. He had been stupid, so irredeemably stupid when he agreed to come but in his defence, he had been hypnotized by your sultry gaze and satin skin on display. Joel gulped, visibly shrinking as he turned and finally locked eyes with the elderly woman. His heart stuttered, all of the memories flashing through his mind as he tried to think of what to say to her.

“Well I’ll be damned, I thought that was you! Jesus, how long has it been? I started to think you’d moved away. How’ve ya been sweetie?”

Willa smiled at him, her eyes shining with a maternal kind of love that he didn’t deserve. After everything that had happened Joel hadn’t tried to contact her, not even once, as he had been too scared of what she might say to him. Or worse, what he would say to her. There were brief run-ins when the girls were young, before he had learned to avoid her usual spots, but aside from that he had thankfully managed to steer clear for nearly fifteen years. But at that moment there were no screaming babies for him to hide behind, just a beautiful woman looking terribly confused as she stood by his side.

“Ooou, and who’s this? Tommy never told me you were seeing anyone,” she asked playfully.

Fucking Tommy, Joel thought to himself. Of course he still talked to her, why would his little shit of a brother make anything easy on him?

“Oh, this is um -”

Thankfully you stepped forward, side eyeing him as you gave her your name and shook her hand. Willa asked you something after that, likely about work or when you had gotten to town, but Joel’s mind was elsewhere. He was thinking about that night, about how he had been torn to shreds by an impossible decision. There had only been one answer to her question but it had shamed him to say it, to let go of a piece of himself so that he could focus on being a dad. It had felt like betrayal but even then, as a twenty year old idiot, he had known his answer. Still, knowing that he was right didn’t make it any easier.

“I’m glad to meet one of Joel’s friends, I used to love it when the kids came to play in my yard and I got to meet all the little characters in their lives,” Willa laughed.

The kind squeeze that she gave to Joel’s forearm burned and he had to physically stop himself from jumping back. Stomach acid splashed against the back of his throat, forcing him to swallow a couple times so that he didn’t ruin your sneakers by vomiting all over them. He wondered briefly if the morning had been a dream, if he was really still at home in bed, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t wake himself up.

“Aw, I can imagine. Ellie and Sarah were so cute when they were little, I saw some pictures at Joel’s and I almost died,” you gushed.

“Oh no dear, I actually haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them now that they’re grown. I’m talking about him and T -”

“We actually have to get going Willa but it’s been great seeing you,” Joel cut in, his heart pounding in his ears as he corralled you towards the check out, “But I’ll be sure to give you a call sometime, have a good day!”

With tremors shaking his entire frame, Joel ushered you up to the front. He heard you asking him something but he was gone, splintered across time no matter how hard he tried to stay in the present. Childhood memories flooded his mind, followed by the ridiculousness of his teens and early adulthood, but it was those last few weeks that haunted him the most. How could he have not seen it? It had been right in front of him all along but he was too caught up to understand it at the time.

“We don’t um, we don’t have to go to the bookstore if you don’t want to. I understand if you changed your mind,” you said softly as he moved forward to bag your groceries.

Joel hip checked you when you tried to take one of the bags from him, too out of it to notice that he was being slightly rude.

“That’s probably for the best,” he grunted, already kicking himself for the clipped tone he used.

The way your face fell twisted Joel’s heart, only making him feel more disgusted with himself. For the life of him, he could never understand why he ever thought that this was a good idea. How could he ever think that you might be his future? You were soft and warm, deserving of all the best things that life could give. And Joel? He couldn’t even begin to explain to you why he was upset.

All of the words that Joel knew you wanted to hear died on his tongue, his throat dry and scratchy as he tried to force himself to speak. It was pointless. His vocal chords had been rusting for well over a decade, corroded by years of misuse and heartbreak, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t want to. God, he wanted to tell you so badly that it nearly killed him to watch you walk away from him. Your jaw was set, arms crossed over themselves in an attempt to comfort yourself in the way that he should be able to. It made him want to die.

Joel thought of all the times that he had let women in his life walk away, about the greatest triumphs and failures of his life. Letting Marlene walk away? That had been hard, but necessary. She had never wanted him or Sarah, and he had no intention of forcing her to be someone other than the free spirited disaster that she had always been. But letting Tess walk away from him when she needed him the most? That was a choice that had hung over him like a knife for years, threatening to ruin every beautiful moment in his life. He didn’t want the same to be true about you. Tightening his jaw, he crammed the past back in its little box, stowing it away for later so that he could focus on the present.

- You -

What the hell had just happened?

Moments before Willa had come over to say hi, Joel had been carefree, staring at you with hearts in his eyes as the two of you filled your cart. However, the second he had heard her voice he had turned to stone, the light in his eyes dimming as she hobbled over with a gummy smile that reminded you of a grandmother long since passed. She was extremely kind and seemed ecstatic to see Joel after what you guessed to have been years, but he had been quick to drag you away from her. Was it you? Was it her? You had no idea but based on the way he was angrily chewing on the inside of his cheek as the two of you walked back to the truck, you didn’t dare ask.

The silence on the walk back was unbearable, along with the awkward exchange when you handed Joel the keys so he could drive home. Although it had been fun to drive his truck, you didn’t feel like it anymore. The day had started off so happy and hopeful but for whatever reason, it was now ruined. The context of the exchange between Joel and Willa was lost on you but it still weighed heavy on your heart, as you were reminded once again that he was a stranger.

Although Joel offered it to you when he was done putting the groceries in the back, you ignored the hand that was held out to you and threw yourself up into the seat instead. It was childish but at that moment, you would rather ungraciously flop into the truck than grab a hold of a man that refused to communicate with you. There had been enough of that in your previous relationship. Joel made an annoyed noise as you continued to ignore him, focusing your gaze ahead as he watched you angrily yank on the seatbelt. A beat passed when you were done, one where the tension between you grew thick with confusion and resentment, before he suddenly snapped the door shut.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, you told yourself over and over again as your eyes began to water. It was stupid, you had no claim over any part of Joel’s life. He was under no obligation to tell you anything about his past and it was hypocritical to be mad at him for keeping secrets, especially when you also had things that you had yet to confess. However, as Joel took his time getting into the driver’s seat, you felt yourself grow increasingly impatient with him. His actions had triggered something inside of you, igniting a rage that could burn entire cities to the ground but just as you were about to explode, it was your door - not his - that was whipped open.

“Joel?”

“I was a dick to ya just now,” he said bluntly.

Oh.

Of all the things Joel could have said, that was not something you would have ever predicted. A hush fell over the cab of the truck, the two of you locked in a staring contest as you tried and failed to think of a response. What could you possibly say to that? Sure, Joel had been snippy with you but why did he feel the need to apologize? Nobody had ever done that to you before and although you knew it was a good thing, you couldn’t help but feel a little unnerved by his honesty. It almost felt like him being angry with you would have been easier, or at the very least more familiar.

“Okay,” you tried, twisting in the seat to face him as you asked, “Um, why did you do that?”

“Willa was…,” he groaned and rubbed his face, “She was the mother of someone I was friends with a long time ago. I’m sorry honey, I swear that I never meant to be rude to you or her. It’s just that I wanted today to be about you, not T-…”

Joel looked away then, his jaw working hard as he tried to hold back his own words. Given his cold expression most people would have assumed he was pissed, but you weren’t fooled by the tough guy act. Joel was scared, terrified really, with every muscle in his body bunched up like it was readying for an attack. You understood that kind of fear, had lived with it for so long that it had become comfortable. There was pain buried deep inside of him, trapped beneath years of silence, shame, and seething rage. All of it poured off of him in bitter waves and despite his obvious attempts to speak up, you realized that it would take some time for him to peel all of that back.

“What happened?,” you asked softly.

Joel’s gaze snapped back towards you, eyes ablaze with contempt for a second before he sighed and snuffed it out. Touchy subject, you noted, deciding to leave the question hanging in the air instead of pushing the matter. But the longer he kept quiet, the more he started to resemble a caged animal and without thinking, you laid a hand on his chest and pressed into the skin there in an attempt to ground him. Joel flinched at first but you were undaunted, understanding the fear that tensed his jaw and quickened the heart beating beneath your palms. It took a few more moments before the haunches started to lower, relief replacing terror as he began to realize that it was okay to be vulnerable.

“Died,” Joel said, his voice gruff, “My best friend died and I don’t er… I haven’t talked about it, not yet at least. There wasn’t really any time to talk about it when it happened. I had two baby girls to take care of so…”

“Oh Joel, I’m so sorry,” you sighed, aching from the sadness in his eyes.

“S’alright, I just don’t like to be reminded of it,” he plucked your hand from his chest, gripping it tight as he added, “I’m okay though baby, it was a long time ago anyways.”

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

Joel opened his eyes, his face wide open as he squeezed your fingers again and then laid the hand back over his beating heart. All of the air rushed out of your lungs at the small gesture, heart slamming against the inside of your chest as one of his hands came up to cup the side of your face. He tilted your head a bit, making sure you couldn’t look away from him as he spoke.

“I’m gonna to tell you someday honey, I swear. It’s just hard and I don’t know how to…,” he trailed off, shaking his head at himself, “I need time to figure out how to say it. I’m sorry, I know that that might not be enough for you but I just can’t yet, okay?.”

“Joel,” you whispered, eyes shining as you nuzzled his hand, an act that further softened his features and allowed his shoulder to drop a bit.

“Is that alright?,” Joel asked, his eyes filled with hope and fear.

You nodded and yanked on his arm, giggling at the small oof Joel let out as he fell into the cab. His chest slammed into yours, nearly knocking you back against the seat but you managed to regain your balance by wrapping your arms around him. A hushed groan rumbled in his chest as you pressed him closer, hands rubbing at his back as you squeezed him with all of your might. Usually you would be too scared to be this handsy but with the memory of Joel hugging you in the grocery store still fresh in your mind, you figured it was fine to level the playing field.

“Fuck darling,” he sighed as he wrapped his strong arms around you, happily crushing you against him,“Where the hell did you come from, huh?”

“Mmm, heaven obviously,” you joked, earning a small laugh from him.

Joel pulled away after a while and you let him, already missing the feeling of him against you. He slowly retracted his arms, making sure to brush every inch of skin with his rough palms as he did. A shudder passed through you, causing a sharp pang of lust to further dampen your poor panties. You weren’t sure if that had been his intention but based on the pleased look on his face, it certainly wasn’t an unwelcome development.

“C’mon, enough talking about the past. Let’s get those groceries home before they go bad,” he said with a heavy sigh.

“Oh shit! The groceries!,” you blurted out, trying to shove him out of the cab with all of your might, “Fucking shit, I completely forgot! We need to go before the ice cream melts! ”

“Alright, alright, hold your horses lady. I’m going, just give me a second,” Joel cackled, batting your hands away so that he could stop for a moment and straighten the few errant strands that had been smushed against the sides of your face from the hug.

He grinned at you when he was done and then shut the door, jogging over to his side like he couldn’t wait to slip back into your presence again. Or perhaps that was just you that felt that way, but what did it matter? Joel was soon sitting beside you with his hand clamped down over your left thigh again, his thumb brushing the soft skin there as he drove towards home. Except this time, you reached down and slid your hand into his, holding it in your lap as you looked out the window. You didn’t dare look to see his reaction at first, utterly terrified that he would be sitting there with his jaw set or worse, that he would pull away entirely. But then you felt it, a small squeeze that wordlessly assured you that it was okay, that he liked the feeling of you holding his hand, and you relaxed a bit.

Still, you didn’t look over until Joel was close to home, too shy to stare at him like he had stared at you. However, as he took the final turn onto your block, you had to sneak a peek. The sun framed him perfectly, making his skin glow beautifully under its warmth. He was so handsome, with a striking side profile that made you thank every higher power for strong noses. In truth, Joel Miller was a pretty man, although you held back from telling him that in fear that he would take it poorly. That didn’t make it any less true. He was absolutely beautiful and he was sitting next to you, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips while he let you play with his thick fingers.

By the time you got home, you had mapped out every freckle on Joel’s face, every scar on the hand in yours, every inch of skin that wasn’t covered with clothing. It made you greedy for more. You were almost disappointed when the truck rolled into your driveway and he jumped out so he could sprint over to your side. Once again Joel helped you down, stealing your breath away with the small act before he moved to grab your groceries. Despite your protests, he loaded his arms full of bags, leaving you with nothing but the task of holding the door open for him.

“You’re being ridiculous Joel. I could take at least three of those bags and you’d still have the majority. For the love of God, just let me carry one,” you groaned, watching as he readjusted to squeeze himself through the front door.

“Nope, I’m just fine darling,” he said casually, completely ignoring your attempts at trying to pry one from his grasp.

“Hopeless,” you chuckled, shaking your head at his antics as he clumsily maneuvered his way past all of your living room furniture and into the kitchen.

“Oh definitely sweetheart, but I think ya like it,” Joel threw over his shoulder.

Joel wasn’t wrong, you liked it very much. As you watched him lug all of the groceries into the kitchen, starting to unbag them himself as you leaned against the counter with an amused grin, you realized that he wasn’t the only hopeless fool. Instead of asking you where everything went, he jammed all of the items in the most ridiculous places, so wrapped up in the task that he seemed to forget that you were in the room. And you let him, much too happy to say anything.

“Not sure why I thought this would be a good idea” Joel huffed halfway through, peering at the bag of frozen peas that he was about to jam into the cupboard.

“No shit Sherlock,” you mused, fondness blooming deep in your chest, “What’s the rush? Got some plans that I don’t know about?”

He faltered, “I uh, well yeah actually, I do.”

“Oh,” you said, unable to fully mask the disappointment in your voice as you pushed off the sink, “Shit, I’m sorry Joel. I didn’t realize that I was holding you up, you should have told me! Here, let me take over. All you’re doing is wreaking havoc anyways.”

“Sweetheart, you probably should have taken over about five minutes ago. I have no sweet clue what I’m doing here,” he admitted.

“You don’t say,” you chuckled, grabbing the peas from him so you could shove them in the freezer, “Go, I’m fine here. I wouldn’t want to make you late or anything.”

“Well, my plans, they um… I had hoped that they would involve you if you weren’t too sick of me yet,” Joel ventured, trying to keep his tone light despite the anxiousness you could see weighing him down.

“You made plans for us?,” you asked with a slightly warbly voice.

He nodded solemnly, almost like he was confessing to a crime, “I was gonna go home and grab a few things first but then I thought we could head out. Don’t feel like you have to though, it’s just an idea.”

Was this -? No, it couldn’t be. There was no way Joel would ask you out on a date so casually. It had to be just a social gathering, a nice hang out between friends.

“Okay, well, do I get to know what the plans are? Or am I just supposed to just guess what type of clothes to wear and hope for the best?,” you questioned, earning a laugh from him.

“You’re perfect the way you are darling, don’t change anything unless you want to,” he answered easily, the truth evident in the way his eyes greedily raked over your body.

The outfit you were wearing wasn’t your best work but it had certainly gotten the job done. Every time you caught Joel staring at your breasts or goggling at your ass had reminded you just how easy it was to impress men. Flowy shorts and a tank top, that’s all there was to the outfit and yet, for the entirety of the day he had stared at you like you were wearing a set of lingerie.

“Hmmm, okay. I guess I’m in,” you cooed.

“Well alright then baby,” Joel said sweetly, beaming at you as he turned towards the door, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

“I don’t have much of a choice now. Thanks to you, I’ve got fucking ice cream melting under my sink and dry pasta in the fridge,” you pointed out, forcing a bark of laughter from him.

Joel raced out the door, the boyish grin on his face making you unreasonably excited. The second you heard the front door shut behind him, you let out a breath and surveyed the disaster, groaning as you realized the damage he had done. You sighed, deciding to leave the best of it and correct only the necessary things; like the milk left on the counter or the cucumber shoved in the freezer. It didn’t take long and once you were done, you sprinted up the stairs, gunning it for your room so you could change into something a bit more tantalizing.

This morning’s outfit had been perfect for the store but with Joel refusing to give you a location for his mystery trip, you refused to be duped into going somewhere unprepared. It was better to be too dressed up than to be embarrassed for the rest of the day. Tearing off your clothes, you dug into the pile of sundresses that you had ripped from the closet earlier, picking up one of your favorites. It was a blue milkmaid dress with a lace bow that sat right in between your breasts, the thin strip of fabric barely managing to hold the girls in. You smiled, the dress was just what you needed if you wanted to make Joel Miller squirm.

After smoothing your hair back into a messy yet stylish updo and re-applying a generous layer of deodorant, you stopped by the mirror to look at yourself. If anything, the outfit was a little much. The dress teetered on the edge being a tad too sexy from the cleavage alone, but the fact that the ends of your dress went below your knees helped even it out. Despite how bold it might be, as you slipped on a pair of shoes and drifted down the hallway, you knew that your intended audience would love it.

Excitement rushed through you as Joel called your name from downstairs, this time forgoing the knock to push the front door open and make himself at home in your space again. Although an open door policy had not been your original plan for living in Austin, you were more than willing to make an exception for the Miller family. The girls had taken to it almost immediately, even going as far as to wander upstairs if they couldn’t find you on the first floor, and the thought of Joel someday being comfortable enough to do the same sent a thrill down your spine.

“Coming!,” you called out, feeling like a giddy schoolgirl as you raced down the stairs

Joel waited for you at the bottom of the staircase, a fresh shirt hugging him in all the right places and his curls finally released from the confines of a hat. He looked good, so good that you felt all the confidence the dress had bestowed upon you slipping away. Instead of gliding over to him like the kind of sultry succubus you were attempting to emulate, you nearly tripped over your own feet trying to get to him, the desperation to be near him shining through in an instant. But if he noticed, he didn’t say a word, as he was too wrapped up in his own desire to fault you for being flustered.

“Wow, you look… Wow,” Joel breathed, stepping closer so he could get a good look at you.

“A good wow?,” you softly ventured.

“Yeah darling, a very good wow,” he chuckled, his eyes never once leaving that little bow that strained against the weight of your breasts with every breath.

The dress wasn’t playing fair, you knew that, but it was completely necessary. The patience Joel Miller possessed was commendable, almost painfully so, and you intended to shatter it if it was the last thing you did. You were absolutely famished, growing ever more desperate with each soft touch or brief glance. In order to protect your own sanity, it was time for you to pull out the big guns.

“Good,” you said sweetly, surprising him by taking his hand, “Now, where to next handsome?”

Joel ushered you back into the truck without another word, once again holding the door for you like the gentleman he was. He was more jumpy than usual as he pulled out of the neighbourhood, a slightly panicked look on his face as he drove, and so you did the only thing you could think of. Carefully, you pried one of his hands off of the steering wheel, gently leading it back down to your lap so you could hold it as he drove.

“Thank ya darling,” Joel sighed, relaxing slightly against the seat as he squeezed your fingers.

You hummed, granting him a small smile as you turned your attention to the window. It felt so natural to have Joel’s steady presence at your side, the warmth of his palm making you tingle and his scent invading all of your senses. But when you looked over to see if he was savoring the innocent touch like you were, you noticed that he had sunk back into his own worries, grinding his teeth together with a force that would undoubtedly give him a migraine later. With a sigh, you lifted the cup holder and scooched across the bench, determined to distract him as you pressed into his side.

“What are ya - oh,” Joel halted, his voice laden with shock as you maneuvered his arm so that it could drape over your shoulders.

“Relax Joel, you’ve already made it this far. It’s not like I’m gonna run off screaming, you’re my only way home,” you teased.

“Roger that honey,” he chuckled, the tension breaking as he pressed you so close to his chest that you could hear his heart steadily thumping in your ear.

Although the day was warm, you didn’t mind being so close to Joel. The AC leveled the playing field quite a bit, making the heat of his skin welcoming as you lounged against him. Before long you couldn’t even pay attention to the road anymore, too relaxed to truly give a damn about where he was taking you. As long as Joel stayed as he was, radiating an unreasonable amount of heat that brought you to the brink of unconsciousness, he could take you across state lines for all you cared. He was just so cozy, like falling asleep on a heated blanket, and you couldn’t help but doze off despite your best efforts to stay awake.

“We’re here honey,” Joel whispered after some time, his mustache bristling against the shell of your ear.

“Mmmphf?,” you hummed, yawning as you peeled yourself away from him and looked out the window.

Joel had brought you into some sort of field, although he had parked a long way away from any structure or road. The sun touched every tree, every patch of flowers, and every soft patch of grass, illuminating the entirety of the property in a way that made it look like a painting. Your mouth popped open, a shock running through you as you watched a set of squirrels chase each other into the wooded area up ahead.

There was a clear path near the entryway of the woods, undoubtedly leading towards whatever hidden treasure Joel was bringing you to. It was funny. If any other man would have brought you out to the middle of nowhere and asked you to walk down a spooky looking trail with him, you would have ran away as fast as you could. But with Joel, you felt perfectly at ease. Ignoring all of the self preservation skills you had earned from a lifetime of being a woman, you hopped out of the truck and grabbed his free hand, walking straight into the forest with a smile on your face

“What is this place?,” you questioned, eyeing some of the more overgrown parts of the path.

“This is my parent’s place,” Joel said as he held one of the branches back for you, “Or it was. I don’t know. They’re both gone, so I suppose it’s mine and Tommy’s now but neither of us really use it. He likes being in town and I don’t have the time to fix the house up quite yet, someday though.”

Remembering the sprawling fields and how beautiful the lake in the distance looked, you were slightly jealous. The property was gorgeous, with the added bonus of being away from the hustle and bustle of town. Looking over the terrain, you couldn’t help but feel sad that neither of the brothers had taken the property for themselves. The place had once been loved by the Miller family and now it was all but forgotten. Even the trail Joel led you down showed signs of neglect, crowded by years of accumulated debris and overgrown brush. More than a few times he had to push back the branches before they smacked you in the face, or point out fallen logs for you to jump over. Still, traces of the family remained.

There was the bench that someone had made out of a log near the entrance, along with a forgotten treehouse about halfway through with the faded words - Joel’s Clubhouse, Stay Out Tommy! - emblazoned onto the side. Even more interesting was the tree that had T.M. + A.J. 4-Ever carved into the side of it, with a wonky heart around it that made you laugh. Everywhere you looked, the ghosts of the people who had previously loved this spot lingered, yet you still couldn’t figure out why it had been abandoned.

“Jesus, I’m sorry honey. It wasn’t this bad the last time I was up here,” Joel swore, catching you before you had a chance to stumble over a rock.

“And when was that?,” you huffed as a branch nearly wacked you in the face.

He scratched the back of his head, looking incredibly guilty as he admitted, “Well, the girls were still in elementary so...”

“So, a long time then?,” you deadpanned.

“Shit, guess so. I’m sorry honey. Can you just hold on just a little longer? Please, we’re almost there. I promise that it’ll be worth it.”

Sighing, you nodded and grabbed the hand outstretched to you, allowing Joel to lead you the rest of the way. There were a few more stumbles, along with quite a few swears that were knocked loose when a branch nicked you or a root threatened to take you both down but finally, you made it. He turned as he led you out into the clearing, a nervous smile on his face as you took it all in.

“What d’ya think?,” Joel asked.

“Joel, I don’t even know what to say. This is - holy shit,” you breathed.

The first thing that caught your eye was the waterfall that pounded against the rocks, along with the deep swimming pole that rested twenty feet below, right next to where the trail ended. There was a moss-ridden rope swing hanging off of one of the many trees on the other side, swaying back and forth like it was begging to be used. You smiled, imagining a much younger version of Joel spending his summers swimming with his friends and fishing for trout. Everything was so rich and green, with pops of bright colors coming in the form of the perfectly placed flowers that sprinkled the usual foliage.

“Who planted the flowers?,” you mused, bending over to get a whiff of the marigolds.

“Our mama did. She did most of them before I was born, but I helped her with a patch or two when Tommy was still in diapers,” Joel said from behind you, his voice soft as he reminisced, “She loved it here, we all did.”

There was something so intimate about being brought to a place that clearly held so much meaning to his family. It was like he was trying to show you a part of himself that he couldn’t possibly explain with words. He had brought you to his parent’s place to show you the Joel Miller who had existed before he was a parent, before he had a past that weighed him down. The land on which you stood had been home to the boy who was carefree and young, not the man who everyone turned to. To be trusted with such a place was an honour that was not lost upon you.

“This place is,” you cleared your throat, thankful that you were facing the water so that he couldn’t see you wipe away tears, “This place is amazing Joel, truly. I don’t really know what to say except - thank you for bringing me here. I love it.”

With that, you turned back towards him, shocked to find him no longer behind you. Instead, Joel was sitting on a blanket he had sprawled along the side of the rushing waters, looking a bit sheepish as your mouth popped open. There were wrapped sandwiches, fruit, juice boxes, and even a bag of chips laid out against the thick fabric. You stared at the feast, trying to understand why your heart was beating so hard that it shook your ribcage. It was just food and yet, as your eyes locked with Joel’s, it became clear that it was much more than that.

“Holy shit,” you gasped, but he was undeterred.

“I know that this is a bit backwards, especially with how we met but um, I thought we could have dinner?,” Joel proposed, starting to twitch as he continued, “I wasn’t sure what you liked so I kept it simple but we could always go somewhere else if this wasn’t - if you didn’t want -”

“This is - You want me t-,” you cut in, taking a shaky step closer, “Joel, is this a date? Did you bring me out here for a date?”

“If you don’t w -”

The panic set in, ensuring that whatever Joel was about to say would be trampled by the word vomit that spewed out of your mouth.

“- Because you should really let a girl know if you’re going to take her on a date so that she can prepare properly. I didn’t even shave my legs Joel! And the dress is just - ugh, why would you do this to me?,” you exclaimed, stomach turning as you looked down at your outfit.

Seconds ago it had been cute and sexy but with the term date hanging over you, it suddenly felt like you were wearing rags. Why didn’t you try harder? An all out breakdown was on the way, your chest burning as you struggled to take in air. You tried to focus on the positive, on the fact that you now had indisputable evidence that Joel felt the same way but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t figure out how to get your lungs to cooperate. In and out, that’s all there was to it and yet just as you thought that you might collapse, Joel’s hands gripped the sides of your face and forced you to look up at him.

“Hey, hey, look at me baby. It’s okay, m’here, just breathe,” Joel cooed, his face warped yet still beautiful in your blurred vision.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know why I-”

“Shh, enough of that sweet girl. There ain’t nothing to be sorry for, just breathe with me,” he murmured as one of his hands wandered down to wrap around your waist, the other one burying itself in your hair, “That’s it, just like that.”

The closer Joel pulled you, the easier it was to breathe and so you leaned into him with all of your might. The warmth radiating off of him trickled into you, soothing all of the nerves that made you shake and shiver every time you looked at the impromptu picnic. All it took was a couple seconds of breathing him in before you finally relaxed, too intoxicated by the weight of his hands on you and the smell of him to be terrified.

“Listen to be honey,” he murmured, pulling back to look you in the eye, “I brought you here because it’s one of my favorite places and I figured that with all those plants you’ve got in the front window, you’d probably like it too.”

“I do like it Joel, it’s just -”

“Hush, just let me say something first. Then you can go back to freaking out, okay?,” he tried.

“Okay,” you whispered.

“This is all I want tonight; just me and you enjoying this place. It doesn’t have to be a date if you don’t want it to be. All I want is to spend time with you, but we can leave if you don’t like it. You’re in control here baby,” Joel said earnestly as he pushed the stray hairs from your face.

Joel waited for a response, his face neutral despite the panic you knew he was undoubtedly drowning in. You had to hand it to him, the man had the patience of a saint. If it were you who had put yourself out of the line, you would be on the verge of a heart attack. Not that your current position was much better. The answer you wanted to give him was yet - Jesus fucking Christ yes please, oh my god - but you were stuck. There was so much you hadn’t told him about your past, about the skeletons locked inside of your closet, but you weren’t sure if you were ready to talk about it yet. Did Joel deserve a partner like that? And after everything you had been through, did you truly want to carry the guilt that would come from hurting a good man?

“But, you don’t know me. What if you get to know me and…,” you stumbled on the words, trying to think of a way to make him understand your dilemma without divulging anything.

“S’not possible baby,” Joel said with a tormented look on his face, as if the very thought of disliking anything about you physically pained him.

Although you weren’t sure that you believed him, your resistance was weak. Plus, Joel Miller was much more charming than he gave himself credit for.

“Okay and um… If I said that I did want it to be a date? What then?,” you asked.

“Well, then we should probably go sit down and eat then,” he said with a wry grin.

Was it fair? No, but Joel was kind and handsome, the complete opposite of the men in your life thus far. In the wake of your crumbling marriage and the embarrassment of having to start again, you decided that it was okay for you to be selfish for once. So you let Joel lead you back towards the blanket, smiling as he helped you sit down and took his spot at your side. He handed you one of the sandwiches and a juice box, grinning as he grabbed his own and began to unfold the wax paper. You did the same and although you were still wary of the situation, there was a small part of you that was elated.

The date served as concrete proof that you weren’t completely insane, that Joel also felt the connection between you that only grew stronger with each passing day. He wanted you. No matter how terrible the future may be, or how badly he might take it when you finally opened up to him, in that moment you were wanted. As stupid as that small victory was, you decided to take the win and chomped down on the delicious sandwich that he had made for you.

“Jesus Joel, this is good,” you hummed, reveling in the simple yet satisfying blend of flavours.

“It’s just a club,” Joel laughed, his voice muffled around the ginormous bite he had taken.

“Mmm, I guess,” you granted him, “But I suck at cooking so anything other than frozen food or take out is a godsend.”

He raised his brows, unable to keep the edges of his mouth from turning downwards.

You sighed, “Just say it.”

“Why the hell did we just buy nearly half the grocery store then?,” Joel chuckled, getting a playful shove from you in return.

“I said that I suck at cooking, not that I don’t. A girl’s gotta eat something other than delivery or frozen pizza every so often,” you huffed, rolling your eyes at his grunt of disapproval, “Besides, I have a personal chef whenever Sarah comes over. That girl can make a mean stir fry.”

“Guess I’ll have to come cook for ya too, can’t have my girl eating garbage all the time just because she won’t buy a damn cook book,” he grumbled.

“I’d like that,” you whispered, his words not lost on you in the slightest.

Joel grinned at that, the longing in his eyes leaving you absolutely breathless. Warm pools of melted chocolate looked you up and down, a happy sigh coming from him in lieu of a verbal response. His shoulder bumped against yours, the light in his eyes still present even as you both went back to your sandwiches.

“So, is this the part where I’m supposed to tell you my favorite color?,” you asked after a while, not used to the silence between you.

He shrugged, “Dunno, you can if you want to.”

“Oh come on, you’re telling me that Joel Miller - the resident DILF of all of the parent/teacher conferences in Austin - does not know how to small-talk on a first date?,” you teased.

Joel’s ears grew red, a bashful look on his face as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“I don’t know what a DILF is, but no? To be honest with ya honey, I ain’t been on a real date for a couple of years. Kinda flying by the seat of my pants right now,” he admitted.

“Years?,” you exclaimed, convinced that you were hearing him wrong, “

He shrugged, “I mean, I’ve gone on dates but nothing really comes of it. Work is always busy and I’ve got the girls. I don’t like to bring the women I see around them, s’not right to introduce them to someone who doesn’t plan on being around for long.”

“But I’ve met the girls,” you pointed out, unable to keep the satisfied smirk from your face.

He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, but you’re different.”

“Why’s that?,” you chirped.

“Because I actually like spending time with ya,” Joel responded, the truth of his words evident in the way he blushed and rubbed the back of his neck.

A small giggle fell from your lips, forcing you to clamp a hand over your mouth to keep it in. Joel chuckled along, looking bashful as you tried to get it together.

“What um… What about you darling? I bet you’ve got a whole line of fellas trying to take ya out on the town,” he ventured.

It was like someone had dumped cold water over you, freezing all of your veins and numbing the tips of your fingers. The smile on your face vanished, along with the easy going vibe in the air. For a portion of a second, you had actually forgotten about the man you tried so hard not to name, the one that had yet to send the divorce papers that would close that chapter of your life for good.

It was Joel you felt bad for. He had put in so much effort for someone that was unfortunately, still legally married. How were you supposed to tell Joel about Peter? Would he understand or would he be livid? Fear prickled your skin the longer you stayed silent, spreading goosebumps all throughout your body as you imagined the worse. Although it seemed unlikely that Joel would yell at you, calling you a slut before he abandoned you in the middle of nowhere, you didn’t trust him enough yet to completely discount the idea.

“Um, no. I haven’t been on a date in a couple years actually,” you admitted, bypassing the complicated backstory in exchange for a simpler response.

It wasn’t technically a lie, Peter hadn’t taken you out for anything even remotely resembling a date in years. To him, all of those work sponsored functions and snobby parties were the same thing, regardless of the fact that you hated them with a passion.

“Hm, well… I guess we’re in the same boat then baby,” Joel said kindly, pressing his side into your in a way that both soothed and excited you.

“Mmm hmm.”

A silence fell over the two of you, nothing but the sounds of the wind, the birds, and the water as you both returned to the feast. After the awkward question, neither one of you felt the overwhelming urge to fill the silence but every so often, an off handed question would come up about favorite foods or music, the hobbies you had as a kid, or a spirited debate about whether pineapple deserved a spot on pizza or not. It was perfectly uncomplicated, a good introduction to what you hoped would be the first of many dates. Too bad you had your own awkward question that you had been dying to ask.

“Joel, can I ask you something?,” you ventured cautiously, not wanting to ruin the mood.

“Course,” he answered around another humongous mouthful of food.

“I um… I know that you don’t know anything about Ellie’s parents,” you began slowly, wincing as his eyes darkened, “But what about Sarah? She clearly had a mom at some point, unless you’re telling me that two babies got left at your jobsite within the span of a few months.”

Joel looked away from you for a moment, sighing as he watched the flies dance along top of the river. He didn’t look angry, or particularly heart broken either, just unbelievably exhausted at the mere thought of having to speak about the mystery woman. You wondered why. Just one mention of her and the liveliness had drained from his eyes.

“Sarah’s mom was my high school girlfriend, but we were on and off after we graduated,” Joel started, shaking his head as he continued, “It was all very dramatic and young. We were always trying to make it work, but it was pointless. Her and I were complete opposites.”

“Okay,” you said slowly, “But what happened?”

“During one of our ‘on’ periods, I left to go do some shows in Houston. When I came back she was gone, but that was pretty usual for Marlene. She couldn’t stay still for long and to be completely honest with ya, I wasn’t much of a catch those days,” he sighed.

You snored, “I highly doubt that Joel.”

“It’s true,” Joel confessed, waving off your attempts at comforting him, “S’alright sweetheart, I’m a grown man now. I can admit that I was a piece of shit when I was nineteen, who isn’t? I was a mess, I drank too much, and all I really cared about was playing music. That’s not the type of guy you fall for.”

You nodded, not entirely understanding his predicament but empathizing nonetheless.

“Anyways, she left and I thought I was off the hook again…,” he huffed, rubbing his face as he added, “Even started seeing someone new and then nine months later, boom! Marlene shows up to the house with a baby - my baby - I damn near had a stroke.”

A beat passed and you didn’t move to fill the silence, giving Joel time to collect himself before he continued.

“We got back together for a bit and it was okay. Sarah deserved stable parents, that’s what we decided early on, but then she was born early and things got even more complicated. I couldn’t even hold her for weeks and Marlene, she…,” Joel winced, trailing off as it became too much.

“It’s okay Joel,” you whispered as you reached out and squeezed his harm.

He gave you a sad smile and you nodded, wordlessly urging him to continue.

“The fighting started again but this time it was so much worse. She kept pulling back and I just couldn’t understand why,” he shook his head, “I should’ve seen it coming, but I was too busy being scared. Then one day I came home and she was gone again. No note, not for me or for our little girl, nothing. I haven’t seen her since.”

The bitterness laced into Joel’s tone was nothing you had heard before but you didn’t blame him. Abandoning him was one thing, but abandoning a sick infant without leaving so much as an explanation was something else altogether. You didn’t want to judge Marlene too harshly, knowing all too well how much different being a mother was and how many women failed miserably when they fell into the role by accident. But it was hard not to, especially with how good natured you knew her ex partner to be, or how thoughtful the daughter that she’d never know was. It might have been the right choice for her to leave, but that didn’t mean her decision was harmless.

“I’m sorry Joel, that… Well, that fucking sucks,” you conceded, unable to think a more eloquent way of putting it.

Joel tipped his head back and laughed, the sound of it bouncing off of the trees. His whole body shook, the boisterous cackling only getting worse each time he tried to speak. It was only after the third attempt that he stopped trying altogether and let himself fall apart, which earned a few awkward giggles from you too as he let himself lose it.

“Jesus, I ain’t never had someone put it like that. That fucking sucks,” he repeated, cackling as he wiped the tears from his eyes, “People usually just apologize and change the subject. You’re something else baby, you know that right?”

“What can I say? I aim to impress,” you tried, relaxing as the sadness in his eyes faded away.

Joel’s eyes dragged across you for a moment, the lazy smile on his face as his laughter petered off. Even though the sun was still high in the sky, it was him that brightened up every aspect of your day. You blinked when he laid against the blanket and patted his side, beckoning you to come join him. A moment passed where you just stared at him, debating whether or not he was joking until a challenging look from him made you slide down to his level. The noise you let out when Joel pulled you into his side, adjusting you so that your head was resting against your chest, was mortifying but he didn’t say a word. Instead you let him direct your attention upwards, to where the trees swayed and the golden rays peaked in through dense foliage.

“Do I get to ask a personal question now?,” he asked after a while, drawing soothing circles on your back.

“Go for it cowboy,” you mumbled, nuzzling his side as you let his proximity slowly draw you back into a terribly needed nap.

“What happened before you came here? I don’t want to pry, but I figured that since we’re laying all of our cards on the table, now’s as good a time as any,” he suggested.

That got your attention. Joel squeezed you a bit tighter when you tensed, using the effect he so clearly had on you to ease your worries. No matter how badly you wanted to pull away, to petulantly tell him off for asking before you fled from the forest like a wounded animal, you couldn’t. His hands were magic, brushing over every inch of strained muscle in your back before they were forced to relax. He was gentle in his attentions, unendingly soft for you as you tried to open a door for him, and you hugged him harder in thanks. When all the fear had drifted away, you sighed, realizing that he was right. You would have to tell him something about yourself at some point.

“I found my husband of eight years fucking his research assistant in our bed but,” you sighed, pushing past the shame to admit, “Even before that, he had humiliated me for years. Then one day I woke up and I just couldn’t do it anymore, so I left. I bought the first place I could find and then hauled ass the second that the coast was clear.”

“What a fucking asshole,” Joel spat, the rage he felt practically vibrating under his skin.

There was some sick, twisted part of you that hoped Peter would have the balls to show his face in town. The thought of watching as Joel knocked him flat on his ass, just as he did to the last man that disrespected you, was embarrassingly attractive. It spoke to a darker, base instinct that screamed at you to climb the strongest, most caring protector like a tree.

“Yeah well, I guess I got the last word anyways. He gets to try to save face with all of his snobby friends and I get my freedom,” you muttered as you tried to look on the bright side, “It’s not like I had much to leave behind anyways, I had no friends and the stuff in the apartment was his.”

“Ten years is a long time,” he remarked as his hand rubbed lazy circles onto your back.

Ten years was practically a lifetime, especially when you were locked in hell for the majority of it. That being said, you didn’t want Joel’s pity, or anyone else’s for that matter. Peter hadn’t hurt you physically, but he had chipped away at your confidence and made it so that you couldn’t perceive yourself without his approval. That sort of mind control took years to break and luckily, you had snapped out of it before you popped out one of his squalling babies. You took pride in that, in refusing to become the perfect little wife he wanted you to be. Peter had lost and despite the pain he had caused, you were stronger for it.

“It is, but I’m,” you stopped, propping yourself so you could look him in the eye as you added, “I’m free now Joel. I left him with everything - the apartment, the cars, the money. Hell, I even left all of the jewelry he had bought me. Peter can take everything, just so long as he signs.”

“Wait, he hasn’t signed the divorce papers yet?,” he asked, a line forming between his brows.

A jolt of fear rushed through you at the concern in Joel’s voice. You hadn’t meant to say that, it just popped out. Unsure of what he was going to say, you nodded back to him, too scared to fully explain the situation. No matter what any legal system said, as far as you were concerned, Peter was not your husband anymore. He had betrayed you time and time again, breaking his vows to you for who knows how long. How could a man like that possibly be your spouse?

“For fuck’s sake,” Joel sighed, his tone making you tense for a split second before he added, “At this point, it’s the least that the asshole can do. Want me to talk to him?

A surprised laugh spilled from your lips, pushing out all fears about the past being an issue in an instant. Joel cocked one of his eyebrows at you as you cackled, entirely serious about the ominous threat against your ex.

“What? I’m serious honey. I could make it sign it,” he solemnly swore.

“Oh I don’t doubt it Miller,” you granted him, smiling down at your ridiculous saviour, “But I’ve got it handled. Peter doesn’t scare me anymore, he’s just a miserable asshole.”

“I’m sorry, you deserve better than that baby, so much better,” Joel said after a bit, eyes blazing with an intensity that made you ache.

“I know that now,” you agreed, smiling at him despite everything, “Feel like running away yet Miller? I probably should have told you all of that before I agreed to this but saying that I’m a soon-to-be divorcee doesn’t exactly sound very sexy.”

“Nah, I don’t scare easy,” Joel chuckled and shook his head, “And divorcee? Please, I’m a single dad of two teenage girls. That ain’t nothin.”

“We’re a good match then I guess,” you giggled, the weight of the world lifted from your chest with that simple assurance.

Joel didn’t care about your past, nor did he get angry with you for not telling him about the divorce papers he had yet to sign. By all accounts that was a win and it deserved a celebration. You leaned back down, melting against him once more so that you could watch the trees sway. With a full belly and the weight of the world off your shoulders, you both relaxed a little easier. A layer of sweat soon formed between the two of you, the warmth of the day slowly becoming stifling. Neither of you moved, unwilling to break the contact that you both desperately needed despite the heat. The longer you laid together, the hotter it became, until an idea suddenly popped into your head.

“We should go swimming,” you piped up, making him jolt as you sat up.

“What? We can’t sweetheart, I don’t uh… I didn’t bring anything for us to wear,” Joel said slowly, the confusion clear on his face as you started taking off your shoes.

You shrugged, “Pretty sure you’ve got a pair of underpants on that work just fine if you need them that bad.”

Before Joel could answer, you stood up and tugged at the dress, letting it fall to the ground so you could step out of it. The panties you wore were red and satiny, with tiny strips of lace around the edges that scratched at your sensitive skin. They were certainly not the looser, more comfortable pair you had worn to the grocery store, and you thanked your past self for thinking ahead. Your breasts were bare, bra long since forgotten at home in order to make the bust of your dress work. A pinched groan came from behind you and you grinned, taking your sweet time as you turned towards him. Joel’s mouth fell open as he caught sight of your bare chest, his usual scowl quickly morphing into pure shock.

“W-What are you doing baby? You don’t um - you don’t have on…,” he trailed off, his voice unusually high as you toyed with the edge of your panties.

“I can’t wear a bra in the dress or the straps will show. Why? Do you want me to put it back on?,” you asked with a cheeky grin.

The power you felt from watching Joel shake his head, floundering as your thumbs hooked into the lace edges, was addictive. His throat bobbed around an audible gulp and you could tell he was struggling to form words. Nobody had ever gazed upon you so reverently, so ravenously, and it filled you with pride. With him looking at you like you were a goddess, licking his lips as he scrutinized every inch of you, shame had no leg to stand on. His gaze made you feel sexy and confident, which was why you pushed all reservations aside and let the last bit of satiny fabric fall to the ground.

“Sweet Jesus,” Joel whispered, his fists clenching and unclenching the blanket below him.

“C’mon Miller, don’t act like you haven’t seen it all before. Now get up and let’s go swimming,” you urged him, giving him a wink as you turned and rushed towards the water, “Unless you’re chicken!”

The cold water welcomed you, acting as the perfect balm to your overheated skin. All of the heat that had built up since that morning was leached from your body, bubbles bursting from your mouth as you sighed in relief from the bottom of the pool. You blinked up at the surface, allowing your feet to dig into the mud a second longer to enjoy the silence. A small part of you wanted to remain at the bottom, allowing yourself to enjoy the cold and the quiet, but you decided against it. Being yanked out of the water by Joel because he thought you were drowning didn’t exactly scream sexy. With that realization, you released the stale air in your lungs, pushing off the bottom and as you swam to the surface.

Coming up felt like being reborn, with all of the sweat and the worries being washed clean from your sticky skin the second your head breached the surface. Given the heavy talk the two of you just had, you wanted nothing more than for Joel to experience it too. However, as you caught a glimpse of him still on the shore, his shirt and pants off but his hands hesitantly resting on the waistband of his boxers, you could see the reservations he had.

“Are you gonna make me swim all by myself?,” you called out, smiling as he rolled his eyes at you.

He sighed and shook his head, “I’m coming baby, I just uh… I don’t… Do you want me to…?”

The things that you would do to have Joel pull those thin boxer shorts down were unimaginable, not that you needed him to really. Even from where you were, the outline alone was impressive and if that didn’t make you want to start begging for it, the man himself was built like a Greek god. He was pure muscle, with even the softest parts of him blessed with an undeniable strength hiding underneath. A smattering of chest hair caught your attention, along with an equally enticing trail below his belly button that begged to be traced with your tongue. You shook your head, banishing all of the filthy thoughts about him that plagued you. If Joel was feeling uncomfortable, that needed to be addressed before your shameless lust.

“Joel, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Keep them on if it makes you more comfortable but just know,” you narrowed your eyes, shifting into a playful tone that caught his attention, “I can see him anyways, so it really doesn’t make a difference.”

Joel’s mouth fell open, his gaze snapping downwards so he could see for himself. The redness on his ears crept down his neck, flooding his face as he realized how exposed he was. He moved to cup himself but then stopped, the gears in his head turning as he weighed his options.

“Fuck it,” Joel muttered as he ripped the shorts clean off his legs.

A pleased smile graced your lips as the grey fabric hit the ground, a dull ache starting between your thighs with Joel’s entire body on complete display. Immediately your sights zeroed in on his most intimate area. Even soft, Joel’s dick was impressive; long and thick, with a slight curve to it that you knew would rub against all the right places. The veins on the side of it were prominent, with a trimmed bush at the bottom that surprised you. For some reason, you had envisioned him as an undiscovered forest type of guy but with some of the foliage cleared, the possibilities were endless.

“Quit staring at it honey,” Joel chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck as you continued to blatantly stare at his cock.

How were you supposed to do that when he was walking towards the water’s edge, his cock bouncing against his leg with every step? It was practically waving at you.

“Hmmm, just making things even Miller. Pretty sure you stared at my tits for a full five minutes the first time we went,” you purred.

“I’m just a man darling. Y’cant expect me to look away when I’ve got such a pretty little thing buck naked in front of me, not even trying to pick up her damn towel,” he shot back huskily.

You didn’t answer, just let out a hum as your eyes pulled away from his crotch to take in Joel in his entirety. He looked like a painting of some sort, gloriously naked and surrounded by nothing but vibrant foliage, the sun beaming down on him in a way that made his skin glow. Although you had never been one for photography, you suddenly wished that you had a camera so that you could capture him in that moment - if anything just to show him how beautiful he was.

“I can’t believe you’ve got me doing this shit. Too old to be skinny dipping,” he grumbled half heartedly, rubbing at the stubble along his jaw.

“Oh come on, don’t be such a pussy Joel. Jump!,” you hollered, kicking your feet until water splashed the lower half of him.

A pinched groan came from Joel, along with a downright theatrical eye roll, but it worked. He leapt forward, crashing into the water and sending a massive wave your way. A wall of water slammed into your face, nearly pulling you under from the sheer force of it, but you just barely managed to keep your head up. That is, until a hand gripped your calf and dragged you under.

A startled scream was lost under the surface, along with a half assed punch at the assailant who had already released you and swam away. You tried to go after him but the water slowed you down, forcing you to come up for air so that you didn’t drown.

“What the hell? You scared the shit out of me, you asshole,” you cried out as you reached the surface, faltering when you caught his playful grin.

“Aw sweet girl, did I scare ya?,” Joel cooed, drifting closer towards you so he could stand.

You rolled your eyes, “Shut up.”

Joel laughed and so did you, eyes locked as you both floated closer together. He was like a magnet, drawing you in with his big brown eyes and the way they kept flicking down to your lips. The fact that he was naked was of little concern to you. All you could focus on was the shiver that went up your spine as he stepped further into your space.

“C’mere,” Joel mumbled, beckoning you closer with an outstretched hand.

There was no hesitation when you took it, just a happy little sigh as he held you up, allowing you to relax and stop treading water. Joel guided your hands to rest on his shoulders, allowing you to use him like a buoy as his frame held strong against the gentle current. He dropped his hands back into the water once you were secure, the only point of contact being you clutching his shoulders, although you could sense his restraint getting shakier by the second. All he needed was a push.

Joel’s nostrils flared as you wrapped your legs around his waist, greedily anchoring yourself to the front of him. His cock pressed into your weeping slit and you gasped, feeling every inch of him against you. He grunted, twitching to life between your thighs as he tried to still your swaying hips.

“Shit, I don’t think ya wanna do that darling. Ha - fuck - you’re gonna make me- ,” he cussed, gritting his teeth so hard that you felt the muscles jump under your palms as you cupped his face.

“I think that it’s exactly what I wanna do cowboy,” you whispered, leaning in so you could press a line of kisses up the side of his neck, “Unless you want to make a move for once. So far, it’s just been me.”

It was like you had triggered an activation code in a sleeper agent. Joel’s entire demeanor shifted, the grip on your hips getting tighter as he dug his fingers into the fat. A tiny heartbeat warmed the space between your legs, forcing you to worry the skin along the underside of his jaw a bit harder to keep from moaning out loud. He hissed as your teeth dug into his skin, one of his hands coming up to dig into your hair and yank you backwards. You blinked at him, the feeling of his skin against yours making you dizzy.

“Pretty girl,” Joel cooed.

The way he brushed his nose against yours, his lips inches from yours, cracked your rib cage wide open. Your heart was bare, throbbing in the open air alongside your desperate cunt. With all higher thinking turned off, you leaned even closer, trying to chase Joel’s lips as they eluded you.

“M’gonna kiss ya now baby, s’that alright?,” he breathed, his eyes never once leaving yours.

A shaky nod was the best you could do as your entire being thrummed with desire, every piece of you begging for him to do something, anything that might help with the fire raging deep inside of your belly.

Joel chuckled, “Words darling, need to hear ya say it.”

“Kiss me Joel,” you sighed, eyes already fluttering to a close as he leaned in.

The second your eyes closed, Joel’s lips were on yours, soft and sweet despite the urgency you knew was hiding underneath. A strangled groan rumbled in his chest as you tugged on his hair, his hips jumping up into yours. He was gentle at first, almost like he was testing the waters before he allowed himself to let go, but you wouldn’t have it. A shudder went through him as you nipped at his bottom lip, silently asking for entry that he happily accepted. The second that you first tasted each other, the pace quickened, with both of your tongues battling it out for dominance as hands began to wander over exposed flesh. His free hand left your hair, running down the side of your neck, across your clavicle, before drifting down to cup one of your breasts.

“Joel,” you gasped, breaking away as his thumb played with your hardened nipple.

“So sensitive,” he murmured against your neck, brushing his lips down the side of it before he found the perfect spot to bite down on.

The sting forced a broken and desperate wail from you, making Joel’s cock jump as you wiggled against him. He grunted as you squirmed, your movements causing him to slide between your folds just right. The underside of his dick pushed through the wetness there, gliding up until the tip nudged your clit. Another pathetic sound spilled from your lips, breaking through the last bit of his patience one and for all. His hands traveled down and gripped your asscheeks, starting a filthy grind that had you keening into his ear in seconds.

“O-oh my fuck, yes,” you whimpered, mind spinning as his stubble chafed the raw skin along the side of your neck and his tip teased your throbbing clit.

“Yeah? Is that the spot baby? Fuck, I can feel her trying to suck me in shi-it,” Joel groaned as he ground his hips into yours ever harder, making sure that the tip of his cock passed over your drenched entrance with every stroke.

“Please, please, please,” you begged, desperate tears forming in the corners of your eyes.

“Such a needy little thing, aren’t ya honey?,” he drawled, his words turning you into putty.

The devilish grin Joel gave you had the tears spilling over instantly, yet another shamelessly obscene noise echoing throughout the trees in lieu of a response. The grip on your ass tightened, the sting only adding to the pleasure building in your gut. You hoped that his fingers would leave thick bruises for you to admire later, proof that you hadn’t dreamt the steamy encounter. But before you could dwell on that for too long, a particularly brutal bite to your breast made you cry out, his tongue running over the indents in a way that made you buck in his hold.

“Asked ya a question baby,” Joel reminded you, his tongue laving over the angry indents that his teeth had left behind.

“Yes!,” you practically shouted, eyes rolling in their sockets as his cock continued to rub against your swollen clit, “Needy - mmmmm, fuck - I need it, need you.”

He chuckled darkly, all of the usual kindness in his eyes gone as he murmured, “I know you are sweetheart, but I wanna see you cum just like this. Such a good girl grinding up against me like this, so damn perfect f’me baby. C’mon, work for my cock.”

Your jaw dropped, a shock running through your body in response to his words. Joel was always so soft and sweet with you, a gentle giant that looked after you at every turn. And yet, the filth that came out of him was like nothing you had ever heard. Whimpering his name, you tore at the curls around the base of his neck, crying out as you tried your best to match his teasing thrusts.

Joel grunted when you smashed your lips against his, trying to muffle some of the lewd praises he was drawing out of you. The kiss was nothing more than a mix of tongues and teeth as the fire in your belly burned brighter and brighter, your pussy oozing slick that only added to his shameless grinding. A strangled cry was swallowed by Joel as he picked up the pace, beginning to rut against you like an animal. He was so close to the place you really wanted him. One little slip and he would be pushing inside, forcing you to stretch around him so that he could bottom out all in one go.

The rest of the world fell away, all you could focus on was Joel’s cock in between your folds. You wanted him to slip inside, to numb your mind with his girthy cock, to slam into you like a madman until you started speaking in tongues, but he had other ideas. Instead of tearing you apart like you wanted, he continued to tease, building the both of you up without ever once pressing into your entrance. What made it worse was that you knew he wanted to, you felt it in the way his cock jumped with every glide, angrily begging him to let go of all his reservations and fuck the shit out of you. But for whatever reason, he wouldn’t take that final step.

“C-Cock, I want, I need - shit - Need your cock please! F-Fuck, please fuck me Joel. I need it, need you inside,” you stammered as you pulled away from the kiss.

Joel’s hand reached up to grasp the hands at the base of your skull, wrenching your head back so hard that you hissed. He smiled as he felt you wiggle against him, pussy throbbing from the sting.

“You’ve already got it baby,” he pointed out, brows pinching together as you whined at him in response.

“No, no, no, no,” you sobbed, all higher thinking gone in the wind, “Inside pleeeease, f-fuck.”

Joel’s hand wrenched your head even further backwards, drawing a heartbreaking wail from you. The blurriness in your eyes dissipated as you blinked away tears and suddenly, he was all you could see. He looked absolutely wrecked with the highs of his cheekbones reddened, his lips swollen, and his eyes heavy on yours.

“Listen to me,” Joel commanded, his clipped tone breaking through the fog in your brain instantly, “I ain’t gonna fuck ya out in the woods like you’re some kind of hook up. You deserve better than that baby, do you understand me?”

Fresh tears dotted your waterline but you blinked them away, needing to see the awe inspiring devotion that was embedded in every inch of Joel’s face. All of the air in your lungs wooshed out of you, the excited little flip that your tummy gave only adding to the urgency building up inside of you. His nose bumped against yours again, the gentle kiss he gave you in sharp contrast to the depraved way his hips rutted against yours underneath the surface of the water.

“Do. You. Under. Stand. Me?,” he grunted, driving his point home with five mind breaking strokes.

“Y-Yes Joel,” you whimpered, quick to answer so that you didn’t get another set of teeth marks dug into your other breast, “I-I understand - fuck, please just let me cum. I wanna cum baby, please. I can’t - shit!”

“Good fucking girl, of course you can cum. Want to feel her gush baby,” he ordered, a shit eating grin on his face as leaned in and sank his teeth into the sensitive patch of skin beneath your jaw.

A garbled shout broke free, echoing in the open air and undoubtedly scaring off any birds within a thirty mile radius. The pain of the bite sent sparks of pain/pleasure dancing down your spine, igniting the powder keg that had you shaking against him as the pressure in your abdomen exploded. One particularly sharp thrust and you were flying, crying out for Joel as your pussy clenched around nothing. He groaned but kept up his pace, pistoning away as you lost your vision and dissolved into a puddle of pleasure induced tears.

“That’s it, such a good girl for me, so pretty and sweet. Aw, that poor pussy needed that didn’t she? I bet she’s been crying for me,” Joel cooed, starting to pant as his own release neared.

His cock twitched hard, knocking him off of his rhythm for a few strokes as he continued to wring as much pleasure from your still spasming core as he could. He was struggling to hold on, selflessly keeping his own release at bay to see yours through, but you were too greedy to wait. Before the last bit of your orgasm had petered off you were gripping his hair again, tilting his head so that you could tease him with a line of open mouthed kisses and sharp nips to his neck. Joel wheezed, muttering angry sounding compliments under his breath as he got even closer.

“Mmmm, want you to cum Joel,” you whined, leaving him another love bite that would undoubtedly bruise, “Please? I’ve been so good for you and I wanna feel it. Don’t you want to cum for me baby?”

He groaned, “God fucking dammit baby, yes. M’gonna give it to ya, take it, take it, take it - fuuuuck.”

Joel let out a muffled groan that sounded vaguely like your name as he exploded, his cum warming your folds momentarily before it was washed away beneath the water. He kept going for as long as he could, prolonging both of your releases until it became too much for him. When his hips finally slowed to a halt , you sighed, reveling in the feeling of his warm breath washing over your face. As you came down from your high, Joel’s lips found every angry bruise he had left on your neck and chest, brushing over them with a quiet reverence that was hard to pass off as casual. The attention to the marks he had made was gentle, with each kiss like a wordless thanks and a promise of more to come.

You let out a contented sigh, wrapping your arms around Joel’s neck and burrowing your face into the crook of his neck so that you could breathe him in. It wasn’t fair how good he always smelled, so clean and spicy, with just a hint of something natural that was all him. It was enough to make you dizzy. You were so entirely addicted to Joel that the feeling of him readjusting his hold on you made you whimper and wrap yourself around him like a python, terrified that he might let go. He had peeled back the steel wall you had built up around yourself, leaving you much too vulnerable to be left alone anytime soon.

“Shhh, none of that honey. I’m just getting ya out of the water before you freeze to death. Relax, I ain’t gonna ya let go,” he assured you, his mustache tickling the shell of your ear as he started towards the shore.

“M’too heavy,” you mumbled sleepily.

Not that your protest mattered. With how hard you had just came, your legs were pretty much just for show. You didn’t even want to think of how pathetic any attempt at walking would be.

Joel snorted, “And yet here I am, carrying ya just fine baby. Just let me take care of ya for a sec, then you can go back to being tough m’kay?”

“Fine,” you sighed, much too tired to argue with him.

All of the fight in you had drifted away, soothed by the feeling of Joel’s cock sliding against you until you burst. With a full belly, a temporarily satisfied pussy, and only a few hours of sleep under your belt, you slumped into him, sighing as your body relaxed fully for the first time in weeks. He let you do it, pressing a small kiss to the side of your head as you allowed his rhythmic movements to lull you into a state somewhere between awake and asleep. You barely noticed when he pulled you both from the water, only coming to when a smattering of kisses was suddenly being laid all over your face.

“Mmm?,” you hummed, blinking up at him with a lazy smile on your face.

The blanket was beneath you, the soft fabric protecting you from the dry dirt below. Joel’s body was draped over yours, the warmth of it scaring away the chill that threatened to take hold with each gust of wind. You clung to him, caressing his toned arms before smoothing them down the contours of his back. His muscles flexed underneath your palms, tensing and untensing as he dropped down onto his elbows to get a little closer.

“God, you’re so fucking beautiful,” he mused, eyes bright as he cupped the side of your face.

You nuzzled his palm, pressing a kiss to it that softened all of Joel’s features. He melted under the simple action, his brows pinched together as he leaned down to capture your lips in a kiss. It was different from the kisses the two of you had shared just moments before, more tender and affectionate, but no less incredible. There was no urgency to it anymore, just the tender need to explore each other as the afternoon began to fade into evening. At one point Joel tried to pull away to say something but you swiftly drew him back in, smiling into it like a lovestruck teen. Nevertheless, it was you that eventually pulled away, utterly heartbroken that you had to take time to breathe.

“Joel,” you sighed.

What you felt was big, but you were unsure how to articulate it without scaring him away.

“I know darling, I know,” Joel answered quietly as his big hands worshiped every inch of bare skin exposed.

The air between the two of you was electric, forcing you together like magnets. His weight overtop of you was heavy but you didn’t mind. It grounded you, he grounded you in a way that nobody ever had. Joel didn’t push you to be anything except yourself, nor did he hold back his own yearning for the sake of some sort of tough guy act. Why would he? He wasn’t insecure in his masculinity, his strength was clear in everything he did, along with his kindness.

The two of you stayed like that for some time, melded together as the dampness on your bodies slowly evaporated. You wanted to remain in the woods with Joel forever, using him like a weighted blanket as his lips continued to map out every inch of your skin. Nevertheless, as the sun began to tease the tops of the trees, signaling its intentions to set for the night, it became painstakingly clear that your time with him was running out.

Joel helped you up when it was time to go, handing you the rumpled dress with a sheepish look on his face. You rolled your eyes and took it from him, amused at how easily it was to make him squirm. Not that you were any different, as you soon found yourself sneaking peeks while he pulled his own clothes back on. He moved to pack up the bag after that, making sure to take all the garbage before closing it up, but you had bigger fish to fry.

The panties you had worn were gone, the red fabric seemingly nowhere to be found despite the fact that you knew exactly where you had dropped them. You surveyed the area, looking in the bushes, in the reeds, in the hibiscus plants that grew near the edge of the swimming hole, but nothing came of it. With a frustrated sigh, you threw your hands up in the air and cursed, convinced that they had somehow been blown into the rushing waters.

“What’s wrong baby?,” Joel called out, slinging the bag over his shoulder as you turned towards him.

“I can’t find my stupid panties anywhere,” you sighed.

“Oh um,” he blushed, reaching into his back pocket to produce the tiny red panties you had worn with him in mind, “Here ya go, sorry ‘bout that.”

You balked, eyes bulging from their sockets as you saw Joel’s hand holding out the dainty fabric. There was only one reason he would have taken them for and the thought of it made you weak, especially when you remembered that you already had a pair left hanging to dry in his bathroom from the night before. You imagined him sprawled out on his bed after you left, lazily tugging on his cock with one hand while the other shoved your used panties into his face. It was an absolutely depraved thought and you were suddenly compelled to make it a reality.

“No, keep them for now. Just give me my other pair back so I can wash them. That way you can get them all nice and dirty for me again,” you replied, leaving him with a wink before slinking towards the trail.

“Gonna give me a damn heart attack baby,” you heard him say under his breath, followed by a curse and a set of heavy footsteps stumbling after you.

Joel caught up to you easily, remaining close so that he could try to hold back as many branches as he could. The walk back was easier than the way in, with the two of you maneuvering around the overgrown parts with more ease than before. It was crazy how much one orgasm could change things, as the two of you practically floated back to the truck with sluggish limbs and happy smiles. He kissed you again after he helped you into the truck, leaving you breathless before he carefully shut the passenger’s side door and raced over to the driver’s seat.

The second Joel was in the truck, you slid across the bench again, greedily melding yourself against his side. He lifted his arm, a blissed out look on his face as he nuzzled the top of your head and veered back onto the dirt road. With the dying sun in the rearview mirror, along with a sappy old love song crackling through the ancient radio, you felt balanced. As you listened to Joel mumble along, you closed your eyes, allowing his soft voice to lead you into a dreamless sleep.

- Joel -

Joel wasn’t sure what to do. There you were, curled into his side like a kitten as you slept and yet, he knew that couldn’t stay parked in your driveway all night. He had work the next morning and so did you, plus he had two kids that he had to make sure were safe in their beds for the night. But how could Joel wake you? How could he watch you walk into your own home, leaving him behind on the porch as you had the previous night? He couldn’t but he had to, so he sighed and softly shook your shoulders.

“Time to wake up sweetheart, we’re home,” he said softly, chuckling at the noise of protest you let out as you roused.

The way you looked up at him, rubbing the sleep from your eyes with a cute little frown on your face, would have knocked Joel over if he had been standing. An indecent proposal was on the tip of his lips, threatening to tumble out and ruin everything, but he kept it in. Just because you had been gracious enough to let him see and touch you, like a goddess granting her humble servant a glimpse at her divine nature for pleasing her, didn’t mean that you wanted him dragging you into his bed. He needed to be realistic, it was a Sunday and you were likely just as exhausted as him.

“Mmm, I don’t want you to go,” you mumbled, voice muffled as you squeezed him tight.

Joel chuckled, “And I don’t wanna leave ya honey, but we’ve both got work in the morning.”

A petulant sight came from you as you sat up, regarding him with a wary eyes.

“So why don’t you stay?,” you proposed.

He blinked, surprised that it had been you and not him that had broken first.

“Well I uh -”

“Shit, forget it. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot Joel, I just haven’t been sleeping well lately and I thought that maybe if you - mmfph.”

Joel cut you off, crashing his mouth into yours to halt your nervous babbling. Of course he wanted to stay the night with you. The thought of wrapping himself around you, of gluing himself to you as you both dreamt, was too good to pass up but he had other responsibilities. However, that didn’t mean that a compromise couldn’t be made. He pulled away once he felt you relax a bit, chuckling as your lips tried to chase his.

“Stay at my house tonight instead,” Joel said, the question more of a statement than anything else.

You scoffed, “What’s wrong with mine?”

“Nothing baby, but I’ve gotta make sure the girls are in. They’re pretty self sufficient these days but they’re still kids, can’t just let ‘em roam the streets ya know?,” he joked.

Although the sneaking out hadn’t started yet, with how often Ellie disappeared to go hang out with her girlfriend, or how social Sarah was, Joel knew that the day was coming. It was a natural phenomenon, something every kid did when they were learning to stand apart from their parents but until that day, he would continue with the nightly bed checks he had been doing since they were babies.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to intrude if you’ve gotta get them ready for bed or something,” you said.

“Honey, they’re both fourteen years old. I’m pretty sure they can figure out how to tuck themselves in these days, I just gotta make sure they’re home safe. I won’t um,” Joel stopped, cheeks turning blotchy and red as he added, “I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t check on ‘em.”

“Joel Miller, the big softie,” you teased affectionately, nodding at him as you fumbled for the door, “C’mon then handsome, take me home. I’m fucking exhausted.”

Joel smiled and hopped out of the truck, deciding to leave the rest of the picnic stuff in the truck for the night. He helped you out, grabbing your hand as he led you towards the door. Too excited to take the length of his legs into account, Joel dragged you across the street, pulse quickening as he caught the dopey look on your face as you stumbled along. He ushered you into the house, thankful that the girls were nowhere to be seen so far. The last thing he needed was for them to point out all of the hickeys he had mindlessly left over your neck and chest, or the ones you had so kindly bestowed upon him.

“I feel like we’re teens sneaking in after curfew,” you whispered as the two of you quietly climbed the stairs, careful not to wake the girls.

“Better be quiet then, wouldn’t want ya to get grounded,” Joel teased, chuckling at your muted groan over his corny joke.

“Ridiculous,” you mumbled, though you never once moved to let go of his hand.

Somehow Joel managed to get you into his room without alerting either of his nosy teens, which he thanked every single higher being for. After shutting the door, he led you to the bathroom first, giving you a spare toothbrush and a quick kiss on the cheek before he left to get you something comfy to wear for bed. He settled on one of his softer T-shirts and a pair of boxers he had gotten as a gag gift, the flaming on the hearts on them much too bold for him to ever wear himself.

Joel left the change of clothes on the bed, his steps lively as he slipped back out into the hall. He checked on Sarah first, knowing that she was the most likely of the two to be asleep before eleven p.m. A curled up ball stuck out from under her sheets, with nothing but her silk bonnet peeking out as she mumbled in her sleep. He smiled, carefully easing her door shut before he tiptoed down the hall to check on his other daughter.

The television in Ellie’s room was still on, playing one of the many science fiction series she was addicted to at a volume that was, quite frankly, disturbing. Meanwhile the kid herself was gone to the world, conked out with her face buried into her pillow. Joel chuckled and eased himself into the room, finding her remote so that he could shut off the horrendous alien induced violence that Ellie was so blissfully snoozing to. He left the remote on top of her television, giving her one last look before he shut the door and ventured down the hall.

With both the girls accounted for, Joel’s thoughts shifted back to you. His heart fluttered as he headed towards his room, a giddiness taking hold that shocked him. You made him so delightfully stupid, so blindly enraptured that he was surprised the two of you had gotten anything done that day at all. Still, nothing could have prepared him with the sight of you when Joel walked in. You were wearing his shirt, laying in his bed as you turned over to greet him with a sleepy smile. He almost fell to his knees.

“Took ya long enough,” you croaked, eyelids already fluttering as you graciously fought against sleep for him.

“M’sorry honey, I just -”

“Shhh, nothing to be sorry for. Just come to bed baby, I miss you,” you yawned, gesturing to the empty space beside you.

Joel swallowed hard, the term of endearment not lost on him as he allowed himself to be pulled in by something inside of him that screamed at him to make you his. Baby. You had called him baby again. If that wasn’t enough to get him to join you, nothing was. He ditched his shirt and pants without another word, sliding into the cool sheets with a small groan as all of the strain of the day melted away.

Joel didn’t waste any time after he slipped into the sheets and scooched over to your side, pressing himself into you. You reached back after a moment, grabbing his arm so you could wrap it around yourself. He grinned and snuggled a bit closer, allowing himself to hold you in his arms like he wanted to, like you were already his.

“Good night Joel,” you mumbled, pressing a sweet kiss on his arm before you laid your head back against the pillow.

“G’night darling, sleep well,” he sighed, answering your kiss with a peck on the shoulder.

Not that you heard him, you were already fast asleep before Joel had even finished talking. He smiled, sighing as he trapped you against him. It had been some time since he had a woman sleep in his bed. Most of his hook ups since the girls were born had been quick and dirty meetups outside of the home, each of them leaving the other side of his bed cold for yet another night, but you were different.

If Joel had it his way, you would be a permanent fixture in his bedroom, sharing warmth and synchronizing your breaths to his as the night passed. He imagined what the mornings might be like; if you would be an early riser like him or if he would have to come find you after his morning coffee. Would you giggle as he laid sweet kisses all over your face, greeting him with one of the most precious smiles he had ever seen? Or would you groan and bury your head under the pillow, grumbling curses until he brought your attention to the ridiculously sugary coffee he had placed on your bedside table? Your bedside table.

Joel groaned, trying not to get ahead of himself despite the excitement that threatened to take hold of the more rational parts of his mind, but it was nearly impossible. He had been alone, in one way another, for the past thirty four years. Of course he had his girls, he had Tommy, but it wasn’t the same. With them he had to be strong - a father, an older brother - someone who they could depend on to carry all of their burdens. They couldn’t fill that secret part of him that longed to be soft, to be broken from time to time without judgement, to hold and be held like he was the fragile one when he needed it.

With you, Joel saw the first opportunity for someone to actually know him in that way. Which was why as the night went on, he found himself wide awake, too excited to let himself fall into the peaceful sleep he ached to join you in. Nevertheless as he watched the sun begin to peak through the trees in the backyard, signaling the new day to come, he allowed himself to truly enjoy the last few seconds before the alarm clock would go off, already dreading the thought of letting you go.

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