For 9 months, I've been dating someone who I feel pretty sure is undiagnosed ASD. I hate arm chair diagnosis, but there are a lot of signs pointing to it (I won't bore you with the huge list). I coincidentally happened to know a lot about autism spectrum/AS because my brother is an aspie (He and my guy are really different people, although both are sweet and brilliant).My guy is 30 and has not had a serious relationship since his high school girlfriend (they were together a year in high school, were long distance for 2 and then broke up). He is sweet, incredibly intelligent, has a good job and lots of friends (most of them he's known since middle school, or shares a specific interest with).It was not immediately apparent to me that something was different, although our early dating was sometimes a strange experience for me.For example, as I became more interested in him I gave definite signs that I was very attracted to him. But he couldn't tell, to the point that he tried to break it off with me because he thought I didn't like him that much!Early on, when I was still dating other people (because he wasn't texting or calling that much, and things didn't seem that serious), he invited me to go the beach for a week with his friends. At that point, I felt like we barely knew each other well enough for a week trip together, and politely declined. Then shortly after, he wanted to introduce me to his parents, even though things didn't seem to be progressing emotionally and I had not yet had sex with him or seen his apartment.I could give you a lot of examples like this. After each, I broached my confusion about his intentions, based on his behavior, and he reiterated that he really likes me and wants to be with me. I could tell he was sincere.Now, our communication problems and his apparent hot/cold behavior are driving me crazy. And hurting my feelings, because when I try to understand his behavior in the context of an NT relationship, the only conclusion I can draw is that he doesn't care about me that much and that I'm being used because he's lonely and wants sex.He forgets to text me for days (although he'll answer when I initiate), rarely makes plans, responds poorly when I gently ask him what he wants or would like or if I try to talk about feelings (he admits that he's always been bad at talking about feelings, but says "men are bad at feelings"), never talks like we have a future (even the near future, like this weekend!), isn't romantic at all (even though he loves to cuddle with me, hold my hand, smell my hair, tell me how soft my skin is, stuff like that). Usually these are signs that men aren't that into you, but he says it's not true, that he is, and I believe him (maybe I'm an idiot).One time we were fooling around and he asked me if I wanted him to take my clothes off. I told him (very coyly and seductively, while still kissing and touching him) "Not quite yet," and he took that to mean I didn't want to have sex and rolled over! Then he was bewildered and felt attacked when I told him that it hurt my feelings.We often misunderstand each other about less loaded things than sex, and when I try to clarify and understand better, he gets really frustrated with me and comes off as condescending and a little bit mean, even though I don't think he means to.He is genuinely bewildered when I bring this stuff up, and denies that he is doing it. Then, he turns my concerns around on me, and accuses me of doing these things to him. It is making me feel crazy!Based on what he's told me, he's had these kinds of problems in relationships before. Early in our relationship, he told me that he hated texting, because he and his ex always had miscommunications, and she would get upset with him. But he thinks she was just "crazy pants." (This should have been a red flag for me, probably.)A mutual friend of ours, who works with him and has known him for several years, tells me that they have miscommunications at work all the time, and that she thinks his understanding is "narrow" and that he interprets everything through his logic or lens and makes little room for anything else.I love this guy. He is a genuinely great person, which makes all of this more perplexing.I am willing to be understanding about his quirky ways of showing me that he cares about me. I am willing to be understanding about his need for alone time and his difficulty with initiating contact or making plans. But when I asked him if these things are hard for him or if we need to do some things differently, he denies everything. He initiates contact all the time!! Why don't I ever text him first?!! (I texted him first every day for the past two weeks.)His lack of self-awareness is making it really difficult for us to talk about things or make changes to the way we interact with each other that make us both feel good.I'm feeling really crazy - he is making me feel like my perspective doesn't make sense, because he keeps telling me my perspective on everything is -objectively- wrong and that he is -not- engaging in behaviors that he is in fact engaging in (not just that my interpretations of his behavior are wrong, which I'm totally open to...I think he thinks differently about things than I do, although it's not a bad thing and I have reassured him over and over that I don't think there's anything wrong with either one of us, just that we think differently and that his way of thinking is as "normal" as mine). I'm sure he feels crazy, too, which is why he's so hurt and defensive whenever I try to talk about it.Anyway, this is super long, but does anybody else have experiences with a partner who denies that they have any part in your relationship problems at all? What can I do differently to get us past this? via /r/AspiePartners
