love and other drugs
i know that i don’t post regularly. actually, nowadays i post rarely. tumblr isn’t a place i go very often, because life is now a place i don’t need an escape from. however, sometimes, life gets a little rough and the days a little tough, and i need to put my feelings down somewhere. i hope that you will forgive me for dumping them here.
in september, i started my second year, my third semester, of uni. i had signed up to be an extended guide for this years new students, and was, alongside two of my friends, assigned a smaller group of 30 people. we would be their guides, help them through the first little while of uni, and answer any and all questions they may have had. amongst these 30 people were 3 guys that i quickly befriend. thomas, thomas, and aaron.
- just fyi, these are fake names. even though, im fairly certain that this post will never come to their attention, i dont want to feature their real names. two of them do share the same name, so i made their fake names the same as well. whatever. back to the story. -
so, thomas, thomas, and aaron quickly became “my boys”. All three of them are roughly 6 months older than me, but they were my little boys, because they were all a year below me. we talked a lot and they all asked me to consider placing them in the same study group (since that was my responsibility, as their “guide”) and so i did. they all loved me, because i helped them and i gave them the study group of their dreams. and, in turn, they gave me drinks, shots, compliments their attention, and their respect. and one of them gave me a little more than that.
at parties, aaron gave me his entire attention for the whole of the evening, he payed me compliment after compliment, and he wasn't shy about telling me that i was hot, i was amazing, or how much he liked making me blush. he was an annoying shit, more charming than anyone i had ever met, more charismatic and fun, and someone who regularly made my heart flutter. he made me smile, made me laugh, made me happy. genuinely.
we have kissed. once. very drunkenly. and i cant really find out how to do again. i cant find the courage to kiss him again. cant find the courage to tell him how happy he makes me. that he is the first person who has, by a romantic connection, made me feel this happy, since i was 14. i dont know how to tell him that. so i haven't, yet. but things have really progressed and i can feel him getting closer. he has started calling me cute pet names and is now refusing when i offer to pay for his drinks. he's more than compliant to buy mine, however. he regularly asks me to go out when he needs a cig, even though he knows i dont smoke anymore. we do that alone, and if we dont then we leave before the others, or stay after they have gone. we are often either alone or somehow secluded, from the crowd, in each others company.
2 fridays ago, on the 17th of november, we hung out most of the evening. by 8 PM, he told me he had to leave, because he was going to a birthday party. i asked him to stay, just an hour longer, and he told me that he had already stayed an hour and a half longer and that he couldn't “stay any longer, babe.” we hugged goodbye, looked each other in the eye for a second or two too long, and separated. an hour later, i was speaking to one of the two thomas, who was completely drunk. he was talking about aaron and how he was kinda worried about him. and before i had even noticed what was happening, those 3 words that i never wanted to hear, tumbled out of his careless mouth.
“he’s on coke.”
my best friend knows aaron. she used to see his best friend and the relationship didn’t end well. she met aaron twice, drunk, and made assumptions about him based on his best friend and her bitter relationship with him. she told me he did coke. that he was a player. that he didn’t care about anything. i never wanted to believe her, so i didn’t. but, in the case of drugs, i was wrong. and now, im at a point where i dont know what to do.
im completely miserable and heartbroken. here’s a boy, who makes me happy and whole, and so confused about myself. and he’s out doing fucking drugs. and i haven't seen him since that night, since november 17th, and it’s been killing me. i saw him today, briefly, before he left. his friends told me he had suffered a concussion last friday, because he had been too drunk and had ran, headfirst, into a door. when i questioned them further, i was shown videos and photos of him doing stupid shit, and i, jokingly, asked them what kind of drugs he was on. they both turned completely silent, awkwardly laughing, and denying it. i know if they didn’t know he was on it, they would have laughed alongside me and joked that he may had been tripping on some shit. while i fake laughed, i wept inside.
people don’t know how happy he makes me. which is why it’s so annoying when they tell me to let it go and move on. because i don’t want to leave a boy behind who has made me feel somewhat whole again. so, i don’t really know what to do. what to think. how to react. he means so much already, but i’m not going to enter a relationship with a drug addict. he needs to be clean before i am willing to give my entire heart to him.
i am not going to be his savior.
he will not be my charity case.
neither of us deserve that.
so now, here i am. a mess. confused and heartbroken, hoping that this story will turn out happy. that we will find our way to each other. that i will find him and he will find me and we will find happiness, within each other.
i’ll let you know what i find. if someone did stay up until this point, thank you. i can’t tell you how much it means.
- em ❤
