Empty Thought

Hello anonymous people. I am creating this blog as a way to keep my empty thoughts as rest. I am sure at one point or another you have had a moment of self doubt and hatred and guess what ... your not the only one. Shocking right. So here I am anonymously exposing those thoughts to the world in hopes that I can help someone who feels the same way.

[emptythoughts9]

Sometimes I want to die. Not really. I just want to kill the part of me that’s so sad. The part that screams silently when I am in bed at night. The part that feels like it has the weight of the would on its shoulders. The part that stops me from looking in the mirror. The part that pushes silent drops from my eyes. I want that girl to die. The one that wants to run away from everything. The one that wants to sink into her bed and disappear. The one who stays up at night dreaming about lost loves. I want her to disappear into nothing. I want to die.

[emptythoughts9]

alone.

I am so lonely. all these people and I am so alone.

[emptythoughts9]

I hope...

I hope someday someone sees me, the real me and they are not disgusted. I am defiantly selfish, focused on my looks, am blunt, and eccentric. I am dramatic, I have a flare for adventure and never stop talking. But i also care for ever person I invest time into so much so it almost hurts. I will listen to every word you think and say, I want to listen to every thought you have even if you think its foolish. I want you to rant to me about your day or get fired up about your passions! I want to experience life with you, laugh till our sides hurt and smily till our cheeks burn. most of all I want to not be forgotten or dismissed. Why am I never someones first choice? why am I an after thought? Does my bad outweigh my good? when will my heart stop hurting? when do I change enough that it won't matter anymore?

I don't want to be alone anymore, I so hope to one day be loved in the way I have so recklessly loved others. 

[emptythoughts9]

New Year, same me?

Jan 2nd, 2019. 

So here is the deal since I last spoke. School is painstakingly awful, I spend so many hours studying just to pull average or below marks. I no longer have a friend group since my former best friend and I stopped being friends. They said (the group) they wouldn't pick sides but she was defiantly more of the people person. I guess that brings me to friends or the lack of. Since I have been low key ghosted by the group, I have recently had a tough time finding new friends. That being said I am still hurt by the fact that I invested my time and feelings into people who couldn't care less for me. Furthermore, I have all the debt from student loans. So ... not so peachy. On top of the subpar marks and fake friends, the men in my life have this great pattern of using and leaving me. Like my god!!! The most recent thing to happen was a beautiful boy and I started seeing one another and he had just recently separated from his ex, well guess who started seeing his ex again, even though I told him if he wasn't serious to not waste my time because I am will to be genuine. ya well he used me as a place holder. I just love caring for others only to be rejected. Since I have such good taste in men it only gets better. The guy that I was so content with and thought I had a future with but left me because he “didn't know” come back and wants a relationship. I tired but after he hurt me the first time I couldn't get my feelings to go back I kept thinking “he left so easily the first time he can do it a second time”, so I had to end that. I so badly wanted it to work, I wanted to be content again, but the feelings were not there anymore and then I just started enjoying the attention because at least someone noticed me. I didn't want to lead him on (exactly what men do to me). Then there is the guy who I go to school with who’s “super interested” in me but can't make time for me. Or the sweet country boy who would rather be with the boys but is “looking for something serious”. like obviously not! you just want me as a bed warmer but for some stupid reason I find him wildly attractive. So here I am chasing men who don't want me, with no friends to talk too, and no motivation for school. If this is what the new year looks like I am so screwed. I also need to find an elective. which I have yet to do... or else I lose my loans.

Why do I have no motivation? why am I falling apart? 

I am tired of being used and not valued and I am tired of being alone, I am so lonely. What do I do?

[depression-healthy-carrier]

I feel so damn empty and out of place and I hate that the only thing i have at night to comfort me is my loneliness and the only thing I feel surrounding me is darkness. I hate it all

[emptythoughts9]

I wonder if I will ever meet someone who thinks of me when I am not there

[emptythoughts9]

It really sucks when you are told by someone you care about that all your worst insecurities are true

emptythoughts9

[emptythoughts9]

My inside voice

Sometimes I feel like my internal voice is screaming. It’s screaming to be heard or seen. It’s so loud that when I am alone it all I hear, it drowns out the pleasant sounds of the world. Dulls the noise we call life. On the outside I am smiling. I am composed, no one knows that I am about to step off a ledge and plunge into an abyss.

My outside voice it bright and happy. It is calm and collected. It is the seal on a letter that will keep it closed until one day it is ripped open. I hope to never see it opened.

Both voices hear each other, they battle in a constant fight for the right to control the content falling from my lips. Yet I am biased towards my outside voice. It’s the voice I use to welcome others. I know it’s not always my true voice but it is the one that keeps people around. Yet...

My inside voice is so alone and so desperate to be heard. Why can’t my inside voice be a honey warm welcome instead of the scraping of a chalkboard. I promised if you listen close enough and long enough you can hear it’s melody. It’s a sweet soft melody of a lonely heart waiting to share it’s song.

I am waiting for a day when my voices can mix and be shared with another person for who they are.

[purplebuddhaquotes]

“It’s easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding, we grow.”

— Doe Zantamata

[kushandwizdom]

“There is a difference between someone telling they love you and them actually loving you”

— Milk and Honey, Rupi Kaur

[dudleey0410-blog]

I want to be with you. Its as simple and as complicated at that.

Dudleey0410 (via dudleey0410)

[emptythoughts9]

I keep looking... for the one that will never come.

I keep looking at my phone for your text. You hurt me and when I was honest with my words you left. I know my words hurt you, you didn't like hearing what I had to say. I was mad at you, I was annoyed, I was tired, and I just so desperately wanted to tell you all my secrets. I really liked you, I loved how wild you where, how the world was your party and wanted to make sure everyone was invited. How much you cared about your job and the people in it, how the person the world saw wasn't the same person I saw. 

But you wouldn't open up to me, I so desperately wanted to hear your secrets, it didn't even have to be secrets, I just wanted to know about your day. Where you okay? How was school going? What was the newest song on your playlist? But life is fast paced and we are both working in careers that leave little to no time for personal interactions. 

I was told you slept with a girl you knew a long time ago, you also texted me that you really wanted to see me. But you where also having dinner with the girl from work, but you told me how much you missed holding me. We where never together so I could never be mad but then life happened...  I was in a downward spiral. I wanted to tell you I was falling, I wanted to cuddle up in your arms while listening to your dumb jokes and smelling you aftershave. But I was taught men don't like women who are not what the world see. So, I fell silently and when I hit the ground I quietly picked myself up and started making my way back up to the top of the cliff i had fallen from. 

You left me for a long time when I was falling and during that time I met others who softened my fall. I got to know theses other people and you started to show up less and less in my thoughts. Then when I finally made it to the ledge that I had fallen from, you where no longer in my thoughts. I was holding the hand of a lovely man who wanted to hear my secrets, who asked me if I was okay, how school was going and what the newest song on my playlist was. He had softened my fall. 

Then I looked at my phone. There was the message I had been waiting for, hoping for and had forgotten I even wanted. I looked up and the lovely man that had been holding my hand was gone and I took a step back and fell off the cliff a second time. 

This time I didn't meet other people who softened the blow, this time my back hit the ground hard and the air left my lungs. 

Four days, thats how long it took me to sit up from where I had fallen. You wouldn't think that at the bottom of a dark cliff there would be service. It did. You messaged me everyday wondering why I hadn't answered. 

You hurt me when you kissed those other girls, you hurt me when you ignored me for days and weeks only passing through my life when it was convenient for you. 

Some how you where able to make me feel like I was everything and nothing all at once, and that hurt me the most.

 So when I finally answered you on the fourth day after the sun was hidden well behind the cliff, my words where not as kind as they could have been. 

My body still ached from my fall and my heart still hurt from the return of forgotten memories. Only after my unkind word where spoken did you tell me how you fell. 

How you still didn't know about your appeal, how your friend tried to committing suicide, how you where struggling with classes and how you where just trying to not lose yourself. 

You apologized to me and you left. 

Why didn't you tell me before? I wanted to know, I wanted to help soften your fall. I just remember falling and seeing you smile, and seeing you throw the parties you invited the world too. I gave you every opportunity to tell me so why didn't you tell me! Why did wait till I hurt you, I didn't want to hurt you.

 I just wanted to feel better. I wanted to cuddle up in your arms while listen to your dumb jokes and smelling your aftershave. So you said sorry and you left. I didn't know what to do.

What should I have done? what did you want me to say?

I would say anything, anything to soften your fall but instead I said goodbye. 

Now everything seems so circumstantial. I realize I am still sitting at the bottom of the cliff and I can't remember how I got back to the top. I realize that with my word I had unintentionally tied a rock to your ankle so you would fall faster. I realized now that I don't have service anymore.

I keep looking at my phone for your text... the one that will never come.

[sky-wanderlust]

[sseoulful]

Daydreaming about alternative lives to escape my own has become a coping mechanism which I have internalised so much that it happens unconsciously throughout the day. I’ll be always daydreaming in the back of my head no matter what I do

[help-n-quotes]

Love breaks my bones and I laugh.

Charles Bukowski (via help-n-quotes)

[mydruggedthoughts]

if you’ve ever laid in bed and cried so hard to the point where you had to cover your mouth so you didn’t make any noise, i’m so sorry

[aquariusgod]

What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.

What happens when you kill yourself is the world you lived in shatters.Your mother, father and siblings will forever have memories burned into their retinas about every fight they had with you and everytime they hurt you, they’ll regret everyone and will hold them like weights upon their heart. They will desperately hope to apologize to you, but the closest they’ll get is above your gravestone and that is not as fulfilling as they lead you to believe.Your outer family will remember the times you laughed and will be the first to say “But they were so happy!” Many people will say this, it doesn’t matter if you were or not.A lot of people say you’ll never be forgotten, some will say they have. That’s the difference between those who cared and those who only minded.Everyone you’ve met will remember the times you’ve smiled and the times you’ve cried. Your favorite color is now as important as ever - but sadly some will never understand what it was.Your words will be held like gold, your revenge and sadness will be like tall tales told.You’re missing out on a whole life.The people who enjoyed you won’t get out of bed for days, they’ll want to join you in the yellow-gold hazes of Heaven or the darkness that is the Abyss, depending on what you believe in, as well as them.Your more religious friends and family members will fret about your access to Heaven. Those who conclude they’ll never see you again will hold a weight that is heavier than many others. They’ll remember a lot, but as the memories fade away, it’ll be like you killed yourself all over again.You’ll become an event to some people’s lives. “Oh, wasn’t that around the time they..?” and a curt “Yes.” will pop out of the mouth of someone nearby. Not hearing the words didn’t make a difference, despite many believing so.You’ll become nothing, and everything. Many say the most important are those who’ve died as it’s a pivotal moment in people’s lives, as the death of the loved one is so heart wrenching alone, but when their murderer is their own hand, their own head, they feel the need to blame themselves. Your body will become little more than stone and decay, something nobody visits except once a year, often on the anniversary. Not because they want to, but because of the business you made for therapists, they’ve been told to let go. That was the first step, a step many didn’t take.Your family would have a room in their home where you stayed. They’ll refuse to move a single thing, let alone houses. They’ll walk in and cry because they’ll remember the time when you were 5 and you read THEM a story for the first time, because you finally learned how to read and wanted to show off to them.Your brother or sister would walk in and tear up and remember what it feels like to hold you, and to see your smile. Your room will go from a dirty one to a sad one, and the depression den you may have made will only sink in worse, the walls will practically be painted blue with tears.You would be missed, but you also wouldn’t. Some people don’t care, some people will fake it. Others will face (unhealthy) realizations. Taking your life hurts. You, your family, your friends.Your own hand is more dangerous than any other death, as it means that the regret is extreme, and often people like to follow in the footsteps of those who have proceeded them and they’ve done wrong to.