enbythoughts

the non-binary pal everyone's always talking about

[enbythoughts]

First Post

Hiya, Tumblr! It's nice to meet you. I thought I'd make an introductory post.

I'm El, and I'm a non-binary (trans spectrum), panromantic asexual college student. I'm studying journalism, French, and creative writing — with hopes of being a screenwriter/director. Yeah, I should be in film classes. But oh well.

Anyway, lately, I've been wanting a place to express my queer identity freely online. I can't do that on other platforms without being scrutinized by family members. So, I'm here!

A few of my favorite things...

Music: Anything 90s grunge (Dinosaur Jr., Soundgarden, Meat Puppets), but I also adore good 70s like David Bowie or Queen. As far as modern goes, I love AWOLNATION, Moses Sumney, Sir Chloe, Cigarettes for Breakfast... I go all over the place, I guess, cause of the genres there. Alt-rock, R&B/soul, indie punk, and shoegaze. Uhh, yeah.

Food and Drink: Lately I've been ordering an iced mocha with coconut milk at my local coffee shop. But I love me some mugwort tea (I'm a pagan/druid) or spicy ginger beer. Not old enough to drink yet.

Hobbies: Jeez, I have a lot! But I'd say the big ones are playing guitar and singing, writing, watching films, and reading. Plus maybe experimenting with fashion.

Books and Movies: Looking for Alaska, Toward Amnesia, and A Series of Unfortunate Events are the ones that really impacted me. As far as films, I'd say Through a Glass Darkly, Brick, Donnie Darko, Yes Man, and The Hateful Eight are some of my favorites... but it's really hard for me to pinpoint those. I'll post a lot more about movies on here later.

Alright, well that's all I'm gonna say for now. Lemme know if you have questions — I set my blog to accept requests and stuff. If you're reading this far, thanks, and I hope you know that you are radiant today.

-El

p.s. if you want to support me financially, my links are :

PayPal: @ rachelellynn

Venmo: @ ellynnmayo

Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/rachelellynnm

[enbythoughts]

I was eleven years old when lorde's first album came out. now I'm 19, and this song reminds me of how I've come to a new chapter in my life. I hope you all like the new theme. I think it's much more abstract and colorful! 💛🧡💛🧡💛🧡💛 https://www.instagram.com/p/CQg754onO3E/?utm_medium=tumblr

[enbythoughts]

new aesthetic I found! swipe to see a failed board 😫 https://www.instagram.com/p/CQjqquBH_QM/?utm_medium=tumblr

[enbythoughts]

I finally watched #gameofthrones and let's just say, I have a crush on a certain dragon queen. https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ34n4onG5S/?utm_medium=tumblr

[enbythoughts]

I've been feeling cozy vibes lately. We had a drought for a bit, and then several days of rain. I love nothing more than sipping coffee with a friend and reading books together while we watch the rain. I made a playlist for you all to share the vibes with me. 💛 https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ1aMh_HZFG/?utm_medium=tumblr

[neil-gaiman]

who even are you. like what did you write

I have no idea. Let me see if anyone else in this ask place knows.

[str0kethebigtree-deactivated202]

he was in arthur.

[telebisou]

you're thinking of Jill Eikenberry; I think this guy was an astronaut of some kind

[asingerofdreams]

that's Neil Armstrong, I thought this guy was in How I Met Your Mother

[neil-gaiman]

That's Neil Patrick Harris. I think this might have been the playwright who wrote The Odd Couple.

[merinnan]

That’s Neil Simon. I think this is the musician who wrote Sweet Caroline.

[hils79]

That’s Neil Diamond. I think this is an astrophysicist

[oneiriad]

That’s Neil deGrasse Tyson. I think this is a river in Egypt.

[omgpurplefattie]

That's the Nile; I think this is the Irish guy who made the movies "The Crying Game" and "Interview with the Vampire".

[marlynnofmany]

No no, that was Neil Jordan. This has got to be the first person to walk on the moon.

[areallysmallfannypack]

No, that’s Neil Armstrong. This is one of those things you hit with hammers.

[enbythoughts]

No, that's a Nail. We're talking about that stage of grief where you refuse to believe something happened.

[enbythoughts]

my purpose

I've just had an interaction with someone in a Discord server that reminded me of my purpose, at least as far as work goes. I was able to guide someone in the right direction about their identity journey, and they said, "it feels really nice to be understood." And it made me cry. Because I remember saying those words to someone else.

As a writer, I've made it my mission statement to create media by and for queer people. Why? So those folks in can see their own community represented in film and any other writing I might put out on a larger scale.

When I think about this as my purpose, I have never felt more power in my fingertips. I know that if I want to make real change, I have to keep this in mind. I have to write for the scared young kid I was before I even knew what queer meant. Before I saw it represented.

I'm sorry to say that my first exposure to the community was through Shane Dawson's videos. And his old stuff, too. Like garbage stuff. (I've since unsubscribed and cancelled etc.) But I was young and impressionable, and I had media to show me that the way I felt about girls wasn't abnormal or wrong.

And then Tyler Oakley, and then Hannah Hart, and all these MUAs. I slowly discovered that there were a LOT of queer people EVERYWHERE. I knew I was a writer before I realized I was queer, but I made the connection between the two in high school.

I started to include queer folks in all my writing. Everything. My first screenplay has a lesbian couple. My current one does too. And a new idea I have is about a non-binary person trying to help their lover overcome dysphoria. I have so much fucking power.

I hope someday, someone sees my work and sees themselves in it. Validated. And I hope it makes them a little bit less afraid to be themselves.

[enbythoughts]

Some shit I would say if I were a character in a movie

"Calm down, dickweed. Here, have a cup of chamomile tea while I read you Hamlet. Yeah, I know Hamlet was a crybaby cad. You guys would have a lot in common."

"We're going to Seattle. Why? Because I said so, Martha. Also because I have an old lesbian lover in Bainbridge. Pretty sure she hates me."

"I think I'd be a very handsome man. But like, without all the gross man stuff. I hate men. Ew."

*Arguing with someone* "Yes, yes, you're right and I'm wrong and WHO GIVES A FUCK, you divorced your husband because he was a drunk. We've all got our faults."

"I'll help you dye your hair, sweetie, but we're not using that garbage you bought from Wally World. I'm taking you to Sally's. We're not three year olds, we have standards."

"You're watching CRIMINAL MINDS? Turn that shit off before I commit a crime against you for your terrible taste in TV."

"I don't need luck. I have childhood trauma to motivate me."

[enbythoughts]

Queer We Are: Queer People in Media Series #3

Wow, you guys really like this series! So I'm going to surprise you today (I hope so) with someone y'all have probably never heard of, at least not in this way. Today I'm gonna talk about Bonnie & Clyde, specifically Bonnie.

AND I KNOW YOU'RE WONDERING, El, what the fuck? Bonnie & Clyde are straight? Yeah. I know. But guess what? I think Bonnie is asexual. Yup.

For folks who've never seen the movie, Bonnie meets Clyde, a bad boy robber. They join together along with some friends and rob some places. The ending is, well, predictable as far as crime films go.

But anyway (Jesus this post is all over the place), Bonnie and Clyde are truly passionate lovers. There's so much adrenaline between them. Clyde is a hot daredevil with a gun, and Bonnie is a seemingly soft but tough-as-nails, uncompromising gal.

One thing leads to another, and the two are in bed, about to do the do. Only Bonnie turns away and says she just can't. When I first watched this film, my ears perked up at this part. Because I've been there before as a fellow ace. I've been madly in love with someone, and then they ask for sex, and I can't explain it other than that "I can't."

This is touched on quite a few times in the show. And as Clyde continues to ask, he's frustrated by her lack of desire. It makes him sad, it makes her sad, and he starts to blame himself. There's hatred between the two because she can't give him what he physically needs to feel loved.

If you've ever been an ace in a relationship with a non-ace, you recognize this dilemma. And in the NOVEL, it was CLYDE who was written as averse to sex because of past trauma (I won't mention it here because it's triggering but you can look it up).

When I saw Bonnie & Clyde, I was so surprised to see asexual representation from a film in the 60's. Especially not from a film like this.

I can understand why Clyde would be portrayed as the one with desire — certainly, his character in the novel makes men appear sensitive and susceptible to weakness, something the patriarchy doesn't like. And a man who doesn't want sex? That's UNHEARD OF in film. I wish they'd made it true to the novel, but still, I'm glad it was included at all.

I hope you'll go and watch this now, keeping Bonnie's asexuality in mind.

[enbythoughts]

If a movie is "going slow," it's a bad movie.

Now, I don't usually believe in value judgments like good and bad. But with this one, I won't budge. If you're in the screenwriting business, then you've likely heard of Robert McKee. Good ole Bob. (I don't think his book Story has all the right ideas — in fact it's kind of sexist.)

But he says that movies have one medium, and it's the same medium of any art: movies manipulate time. Yes, if you are a filmmaker, you are a timelord. (The Whovians are rejoicing.)

No, but I'm serious. A good movie makes you forget you're watching a movie. Why is The Irishman three and a half hours and people fucking love it? Because Martin Scorsese understands how to manipulate time. He understands that films require a certain flow, in lockstep with (or just a pace ahead of) the audience's intrigue.

So if you're watching a movie and saying to yourself, "This is dragging on," the filmmaker has not done their job. They have failed you. They have made a terrible movie because they forgot that time is their medium.

[simplysolo]

i have been writing this damn screenplay for the past eight months and i feel like i have gotten NOWHERE

[enbythoughts]

Okay but this is a great chance for me to talk writing strategy. I've kept a nightly writing hour habit for years now and I think I have a pretty good handle on the so-called "writer's block."

First, let me ask you one simple question. Do you consider writing to be work? Or fun? Because if writing is leisure for you, then the following tips will not apply. But if you consider your writing your job (or hope it becomes one), then you need to treat it like it's your job. Other jobs give you a boss and a timesheet. This one gives you a blank page and an idea if you're lucky. Being a writer is hard and you have to remind yourself of that.

Writer's block shouldn't be a thing. If you're smart about it, writing is following a map. I like to say that outlines are necessary, but that may not be the case for you. But let me point out that if you don't think you can outline your story, you probably don't know your story well enough. YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUSH KNOWING YOUR STORY. If it takes a year, it takes a year. Shelf it if you have to, but don't try to write something you don't understand. You want to be able to answer any question your audience asks, yes?

Be methodical and disciplined. It's okay. I did say not to rush it, but also know when to give your writing a firm hand. There's this mindset about writing that it's an ethereal process with no rules, but it's the only art that seems to have that mindset. Think about it. Famous painters would go out and paint every day from dawn to dusk. Dancers have rehearsals. Musicians too. Why should writing be different?

Have a ritual. I have a specific playlist, and I have to write at a desk, only at night. But that's up to you to decide. I believe it's Aaron Sorkin who takes a shower every time he gets stuck in his script. (About 30 showers a day. Jeez, his water bill must be monstrous.) You can be eccentric: writing is like that. We're already insane for wanting to be writers.

Remember that we're SCREENWRITERS. So your screenplays should have visions and sounds included. Speak your dialog aloud. Be your characters. You have to be half mad to write a movie because it's the only way you'll be able to hear it out loud. Talk to yourself in different voices. At location, if possible. Remember that the goal is for it to be filmed, so always keep that at the forefront of your mind.

That's all for now, but I'll be sure to make more posts about this in the future.

[enbythoughts]

I'm starting to think I like it here, this blank space. I'm glad my aunt let me stay here and watch my cousins. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel present, or if I'm just supposed to be in the clouds like this all the time. The only time I feel grounded is when I'm writing, and that's not even tangible. Maybe I don't want tangible because there's a possibility I can break whatever I touch. Yeah.

I like the Alexa in the kitchen. I know that's weird, because it's just a dumb circle robot, but it helps me decide what music to listen to while I'm cooking or doing dishes (I like cooking and doing dishes, apparently). I don't even know what I want to listen to until it comes out of my mouth. Today it was Aretha Franklin. Yesterday it was the Stooges and Sebadoh.

I like this world where I don't have to make any decisions. But it's only temporary, at least until mid July. I might go visit a friend in Texas, which would be cool. My friends' worlds interest me. What made you, you? I'm sure I'll never find the answer to that question, but at least investigating people's hometowns is a good place to start, anyway. And meeting their friends.

I think I'd like to watch more old movies - as many as I can - before the summer's over. I really should be writing more than I am, but I feel weird, because I'm living in someone else's house. They have an expectation of me that I'll be there at the right times to follow their routine. I came up with some lie about having an online college church group so I wouldn't have to go to Sunday service with them. I'm such a fraud with my family. Will that ever end? Probably not. Will I ever feel safe enough to drive? Probably not. I wonder if there are meds to help with that. Weed clearly doesn't fix my anxiety the way it does with other people. That sucks. The only thing that stops my brain from doing the brain thing is alcohol, and you can't drink and drive. You shouldn't, anyway.

Freshman year was so fucking awesome and I feel like none of it happened. I can never enjoy a good thing. I've hated myself since I was old enough to have thoughts about myself. Probably sixth grade. I didn't realize just how much I hated myself until a few days ago, when Facebook shared some memories from 6 years ago. I was thirteen and miserable. Was it my parents' fault? Mine? God's? I don't think I get answers to those questions either. I ask a lot of questions no one can answer.

But I do know that I used to blame all my pain on other people, and now I blame most of it on myself, at least inwardly. That doesn't make me feel better, but it doesn't make me feel worse, either.

Applied to go to London for school. London sounds cool. Maybe my life will just be travelling and never putting down roots. I think I like that idea, you know, because I've never called one single place my home. The Garden Boy (that's a book I self published, under Rachel Ellynn M. on Amazon), that shit was never about me in the first place. It was me wanting to paint a picture of how I thought I should heal.

You don't heal from relationship trauma. You just don't. I was destined to be my own sort of nomad, I guess. Meet all kinds of people and get molded like play dough. Only to get smushed back into my container. My shell.

[enbythoughts]

LONDON STUDY ABROAD FUNDRAISER

Ellynn's London Study Abroad, organized by Rachel Mayo

My name is Ellynn Mayo, and I will be a sophomore at the University of Kansas for the 2[phone… Rachel Mayo needs your support for Ellynn's L

I am trying to go to London for school! Please reblog/check out my story to help me get exposure for the fundraiser. Thank you!

[enbythoughts]

Father of gay rights, Frank Kameny. Father of the movement, Harry Hay. Father of pride, Craig Rodwell. Mother of Stonewall, Storme Delarverie.

Thank you for adding. I welcome all discourse, folks. Part of why it's so hard to advocate for queer history and representation is because we were never taught this shit in school. And some of us (me included) have a hard time re-learning history because we don't even know where to look or what we were told wrong. It's worth finding out and I am grateful for everyone who wants to help that cause along.

[enbythoughts]

stop buying pride themed things from companies that do nothing for lgbtq+ rights or representation

[enbythoughts]

Pride 2021 - A Massive PSA Post

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. I'm El, a 19 y/o panromantic asexual enby. And if you're a teen/kid looking for guidance as you wrestle for identity, don't ever hesitate to ask me for help.

I've grown up with the beginnings of social media, and I know how hard it can be to decipher what the internet says about your identity, your sexuality, your interests... But I want you to know that wherever you're at, you're valid. And if you need an older sibling-type to lean on for support, I'm offering you my shoulder.

Pride month can be really hard. Especially if you're excluded for being BIPOC, or an immigrant meeting parental expectations, or someone with extremely religious/homophobic parents. I've been there. And I understand the frustration of wanting to come out because it's Pride, but not wanting to compromise your safety.

Hear me: You do not need to come out if you don't feel safe. PLEASE DON'T COME OUT IF YOU DON'T FEEL SAFE. People are gonna flood your social media feed with all sorts of stuff about pride, and that's awesome! You can be proud and still maintain your safety.

Also, if someone doesn't want to come out, DO NOT OUT THEM. Just because you've been out does not mean they have to be. Frankly, the whole "coming out" concept really bothers me because no one is born straight/cis by default, but that's how our society is currently built. Please be safe.

And full disclosure: I'm white. And white people tend to forget that the founders of gay rights - the mothers of the movement - were Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson. Two trans women of color.

*ADDENDUM: A massive oversight (proving me right about white people being ignorant) was brought to my attention. May I also add Bayard Rustin and Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon and Storme DeLarverie and Barbara Gittings. I owe them my life.*

Despite that, BIPOC LGBTQ+ are always excluded from pride, pushed to the sidelines, mocked, slandered, and otherwise denied authenticity. STOP THIS NOW. Give credit where credit is due and make space for the folks who gave us rights in the first place.

If you're attending a pride event, please either get vaccinated or wear a mask and practice safe COVID-19 protocols. Or a combination of the two. I understand that mask mandates have been lifted, but that will only be safe if people get the vaccine. I'm vaccinated. Please do your part and do not spread the virus to your Queer siblings while you celebrate.

Please let me know if you need anything or if you want questions answered. Much love to you all and happy Pride.

[fuckyeahasexual]

P.S.A.

Been receiving some static for trying to make a point about ace awareness, and I felt compelled to share. Even if you guys don’t want to post it, I just felt the need to share with at least one other person who understands. Thanks for reading, I dig the page. <3 

I’m asexual. Not ashamed of it, but I am done with people trying to tell me that I’m “confused” or I “just haven’t been with the right person” and I am disgusted by people who think it’s “all made up” or that asexuals are making it up for some sort of attention or resources.

Full disclosure, I am not a virgin [since everyone wants to push the subject when it comes up], and I personally don’t make a habit of questioning LGBT friends’ personal lifestyles. I’m not gonna ask my trans or nonbinary friends if they’re “just going through a phase”, or tell my gay or lesbian friends that “they just haven’t been with the right partner yet”. I’m not one of those people who accuses others of being LGBT because it’s “the flavor of the week” or some kinda fascist crap like that. Also, I am genuinely sick and tired of making female or gay friends who literally start shamelessly flirting with me to the point where neither of us are comfortable around one another anymore. Believe me, I am NOT your effing “dream guy”.

We exist, we are valid, and we have the right to be treated the same as everybody else. If you have a problem with that, DNI.

[enbythoughts]

PLEASE stop doing this to the ace community. We're perfectly happy with our identities and we don't need anyone's permission to live the way we were meant to live.