☆

my safe space (you're also safe here)

[enjolrasrevolution]

made an acc specifically for palestine go fund mes, in case you wanna help @palestinegfm

[enjolrasrevolution]

oh i know i'm in hyperaware mode bc i

overanalyze face expression & gesture

automatically trying to read between the lines (this is AUTOMATIC i do this unconsciously)

seeing myself through 3rd person perspective

trying to socialize more just to prove people i can be social (not genuine)

worrying about passed conversations

i wish i have a name to this. like this usually happens every 3 months and when i don't i just feel carefree and worry less and chill (i do nothing on the list). the past 6 months i've been in the "carefree" mode and i can feel myself shifting since a week ago

[enjolrasrevolution]

only a few months until everyone leaves this classroom to go to the next grade. i went here again after a week of examination which took another classroom in another building and i passed one of the classes with “thank you class” in the whiteboard. all of the moments and friends i made in this class might gonna turn to memories. there must be one or two friends who we used to be so close but because we part we will be distant. maybe we would smile at each other only when we were passing by. i remember praying to God to let me go through this year because school had been a hell for me, not realizing God had given me everything i wanted; good friends, class and everything i didn’t have when i was in the previous grade. it is true when people said that regrets come at last. i’m gonna miss them.

[enjolrasrevolution]

only a few months until everyone leaves this classroom to go to the next grade. i went here again after a week of examination which took another classroom in another building and i passed one of the classes with “thank you class” in the whiteboard. all of the moments and friends i made in this class might gonna turn to memories. there must be one or two friends who we used to be so close but because we part we will be distant. maybe we would smile at each other only when we were passing by. i remember praying to God to let me go through this year because school had been a hell for me, not realizing God had given me everything i wanted; good friends, class and everything i didn’t have when i was in the previous grade. it is true when people said that regrets come at last. i’m gonna miss them.

[enjolrasrevolution]

when i'm sad the thoughts just getting louder. i wanna be in a band, i wanna perform. i've always been really shy and introverted but i knew since i was young i like performing, i like being the center of attention sometimes. i used to dance and i liked it when people see me dance, i don't do physical live performance but this desire i channel them through online streaming where i sing and play guitar and sometimes i'd be practicing and people still stayed and listen. i have a full time job that requires all of my energy but i'm thinking about having a "second life" after work where i'd do gigs and stuff and i get to sing and play guitar in front of people and make my own music etc. to have that space where i can fully be myself at the right place and right time. i want to have more than this.. i've got multiple people telling me let's make a band but they never meant it meanwhile i always take it serious. i really want to be in a band, my guitar playing is great and people keep telling me that, i can sing too and i always got compliment. meanwhile i see people on the internet saying they have a band and they can't even play any instruments. why? i wanna perform... i want my life to be more than this, more than me being a Teacher. im a fucking musician too. when i taught my students about their dreams and ask them theirs, i told them mine is becoming a musician. at that point i never really think about it and i'm content with what i have but i guess i can't lie to myself. i want to be on stage and performing for people, i wanna have audiences, i dont give a fuck about being famous thats not important at all, just want to have people listening physically and getting to perform physically... under the lights, in the middle of the crowd, you know? i'd be going home from work and that's a crucial time where these thoughts would come attack me if i don't try to be gentle with myself. i'm anxious as fuck but i want that adrenaline of being on stage. and i guess im really longing for a place where i can totally be myself, as messy as i want, as honest as i can.. ive always known this is more than just me whining about wanting to be in a band

[enjolrasrevolution]

PAYBACK IS SO GOOD OMG GOODBYEEEEE

[greenteadumplings]

Niran: I performed a soul binding ritual without even asking him. Henceforth our fate itself will be intertwined. Our peace and happiness, pleasures and sorrows our life forces everything is connected. Our souls themselves became one! What if he is mad at me? What if he's not ok with it? What if-

Pete: Yo soulmate bring that huge fortune of yours here

[enjolrasrevolution]

if tickets to heaven dropped when i was still in junior school it'd trigger the shit out of my religious trauma

[heavensghost]

Words by Mary Oliver engraved in rock

[embersinthefirelight]

May your life spirit drift away

and be lost for all eternity, Niran

Wu Ep. 6

[enjolrasrevolution]

didn't expect wu to be this good

[enjolrasrevolution]

PAYBACK IS SO GOOD i have no doubts if sammon is in it AND we have boss and fuaiz?? and the mc looks like a mix of taeyong and yuta i'm sold

[enjolrasrevolution]

shit payback is gonna be good ig

[enjolrasrevolution]

oh ur so gonna be fed up with me. im an avoidant whose full of burden like fuck everyone leave me alone

[enjolrasrevolution]

PRABOWO ANJING

[enjolrasrevolution]

list of things i've done in my healing process (from anxiety and avoidance)

met up with a new friend (an old crush)

met up with an online friend (whom i've been friends with for 4 years)

learning skateboard (and will be meeting with my online skateboard friend)

stream on twitch (showing my face on the internet? thats a big deal)

write on ao3 (i used to be a GREAT writer and years after i cannot even write anything but now i want to try)

not wearing any makeup and let my acne prone skin breathe

[enjolrasrevolution]

i have to be honest about the number 6. i've been dealing with severe acne for 11 years (although they don't always flare up consistenly, but on and off, and most of the time it's because of dermatologist help) and the mental exhaustion is no fucking joke. for me my worst point was avoiding anyone and rejecting invitations because i don't wanna go out with my face. its the frustration because youve done everything right (diet, sleep, etc etc) but nothing works, meanwhile a lot of people can just do whatever and they won't even get a bump on their face. i stopped going to the doctor because of the cost and how they always grew back when you stop the meds. i was a die-hard anticapitalist i can bear the acne and the stares and peoples comments as long as i dont go to that doctor anymore. i fucking hate beauty standards (i still do) but i cant not care about it. i decided to go back to the doctor because i literally just cannot anymore. constantly worrying about how my face would look in front of the camera, what people see when theyre talking to me, the dread when im about to pass a mirror, the anxiety of wearing a facemask. its just unfair, people say its like your skin is bullying you and i didnt think of it this way, but like "my skin is rebelling against the beauty standards, just like me whos a rebel!!" and that quite brought a smile onto my face but i literally feel like being bullied now. i tried cerave moisturizer just ONCE and the next day i got 5 cystic acnes on my chin, 2 on each side of my philtrum its a fucking joke. another reason why i hesitate to go to the derma is bc of how uncomfy the creams felt on my face (dry, STINGS like hell, peeling off but they ALWYAS work at the end).

i just want people who have clear skin or need not to do so much shit for their skin to actually take a moment to be grateful and pray to god (if u a believer) or if not idk. do shit in honor of your privilege ig. fucks sake

[enjolrasrevolution]

list of things i've done in my healing process (from anxiety and avoidance)

met up with a new friend (an old crush)

met up with an online friend (whom i've been friends with for 4 years)

learning skateboard (and will be meeting with my online skateboard friend)

stream on twitch (showing my face on the internet? thats a big deal)

write on ao3 (i used to be a GREAT writer and years after i cannot even write anything but now i want to try)

not wearing any makeup and let my acne prone skin breathe