Seeking, Expecting, Wanting Nothing

There's no tomorrow. No eventually. No time for later. There's only right now.

[entropyseeker]

There was a ledge and when she looked around, she found no reason to stay.

[entropyseeker]

Is this it? Forever? Nothing feels worth the pain of being alive. I don't want to do this anymore.

[entropyseeker]

I am not this strong.

[entropyseeker]

I want to go home.

But there will be no one waiting when I do.

[entropyseeker]

Why do I always hope that everyone else will turn around? One foot out the door, but one look back and a swivel realizing the mistake. Why am I the starry-eyed optimist, trying to grab at the same people who don't choose to reach for me. My extended hand coming up empty. Wondering why I'm never enough, never worth the extra mile, not the "one and only" and no one else is conceivable. I feel so stupid. So delusional.

I'm exhausted. Beyond the scale of tired. And hating having to save myself every time. None of it feels worth it. Worth this.

Hey Kace, it's time to come back from space.

[remanence-of-love]

[espadaclover]

[kasaruna]

[najd-social-club]

[entropyseeker]

I think I'm constantly scared. Of being replaced, of how things change, and how people stay the same. That people come and go and you're forced to stand there with their impressions on your soul and nothing more. That I'll look around and wonder why it was never me who was worth trying for, fighting for, sticking around for. I'll look back and find I'm the only one who clings so tightly to memories. So much so that I forgot to focus on the present. Every new moment already fleeting as I miss what I already have until it's gone. Just another one to file away and look back upon. I think I keep stepping forward because I have to, because what else is there?

I think I'm scared because nothing stays the same. Because everything good only lasts for so long, always fleeting. Because your good things move on to find better things. But what stays is that feeling of being abandoned. Of being lost. Of being hurt, unheard, forgotten, and confused.

I think I'm scared because I keep coming back to the same thoughts. That I'm tired and uninspired. And tomorrow sounds like more of the same so why step forward?

[lonelywoodland]

Dallas Clayton

[entropyseeker]

Call me Atlas

Because I will carry worlds

Here on my shoulders

Yours and mine and theirs

Seen in the tension in the space between

Twisting and knotting

The smile, well placed

No burden I won't take

I'll put it all away

The fears that claw at me

The sadness that gnaws at me

The doubt that weights at me

Push it all down

To listen to your story

Carry your world

Call me Icarus

My desire to feel light

Feel warmth

Feel something

Will lead me plunging

I will melt and burn

Beneath my pride

My expectations

My lack of direction

Grow wings in that space between

The wind on my face

The world beneath

Yet, I'll still be lost

And I won't even cry

For what once was

Too lost in the sky

Then drowning in the sea

Call me Was

Because I don't know who I am

Who I want to be

What story to tell

When people ask me

Call me tired

Call me uninspired

Then forget my name

Because it never memorable anyway

-//a writer and a fighter//

[your-lesbian-friend]

me: I’m not gonna let it affect me

also me: *thinks about it constantly*

[entropyseeker]

I don't want you to go. We have such little time together. I'll only be able to hold on to so many memories and even they will one day slip through and disappear. So linger at my doorway. Glance backwards and hesitate. Give me a reason to call you back. Forget a book that you're enthralled with on my couch. Use that as an excuse to walk back in to my life. As if you never left.

-/a writer and a fighter/

[thoughtkick]

“Apply for that job. Date that person. Buy that plane ticket. Move to that city. Do all the things that scare you, because they’re worth it.”

— Unknown (via quotefeeling)

[remanence-of-love]

[purplebuddhaproject]

“Look around you. Appreciate what you have. Nothing will be the same in a year.”

— (via purplebuddhaquotes)